RUSSIAN FEDERATION

MINISTRY OF EDUCATION AND SCIENCE

federal state budgetary educational institution higher professional education

"TYUMEN STATE UNIVERSITY"

INSTITUTE OF PSYCHOLOGY AND PEDAGOGY

DEPARTMENT OF AGE AND PEDAGOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY

Test

in the discipline "Social psychology"

LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IN YOUTH

Artist: Alexey Vlasov

Scientific adviser: V.A. Maslyakova,

Tyumen, 2014

Introduction

1.1The psychology of love in adolescence

2Love in adolescence

3The experience of love in adolescence

2.1 Building friendships between boys and girls

2 Psychological help in overcoming the negative experiences of adolescence

Conclusion

Bibliography

Introduction

Relevance of the topic. If the changes in children's self-awareness for the most part look smooth and gradual, then adolescence and youth have long been considered the era of a leap, "second birth", the emergence of a new quality, and, first of all, the discovery of one's own "I". Significant changes are observed in the style of communication and interpersonal relationships among boys and girls. Comparison of psychological intimacy, depth and reciprocity of interpersonal relations between boys and girls (three styles of communication are distinguished - intimate relations, stereotyped relations and a state of isolation) with their identity statuses showed that the greatest intimacy is characteristic of individuals at the stage of "mature identity", while those who also have a "diffuse identity", as a rule, do not go beyond stereotyped contacts. Depending on the identity of the young man, they differ significantly in their relationships with friends and loved ones. In general, one of the new formations of adolescence in communication with peers is the development and differentiation of feelings of friendship and love. The way they are objectively formed, and how they are experienced subjectively - this is an indicator of age development.

Target control work: study and analysis literary sources on the psychological nature of friendship and love in adolescence.

friendship love youthful psychological

1 Psychology of love in adolescence

Love in adolescence - a youthful dream of love expresses, first of all, the need for emotional contact, understanding, emotional closeness; erotic motives in it are almost not expressed or not realized. The need for self-disclosure and intimate human intimacy and sensual-erotic desires very often do not coincide and can be directed to different partners. In the figurative expression of one scholar, the boy does not love the woman to whom he is attracted, and he is not attracted to the woman he loves.

The ratio of friendship and love is a difficult problem in youth. On the one hand, these relationships seem to be more or less alternative. The appearance of a beloved girl reduces the emotional intensity of same-sex friendship, a friend becomes more of a good comrade. On the other hand, love involves a greater degree of intimacy than friendship, it kind of includes friendship.

2Love in adolescence

The youthful dream of love expresses, first of all, the need for emotional contact, understanding, and intimacy; erotic motives in it are almost not expressed or not realized. The need for self-disclosure and intimate human intimacy and sensual-erotic desires very often do not coincide and can be directed to different partners. In the figurative expression of one scholar, the boy does not love the woman to whom he is attracted, and he is not attracted to the woman he loves. The ratio of friendship and love is a difficult problem in youth. On the one hand, these relationships seem to be more or less alternative. The appearance of a beloved girl reduces the emotional intensity of same-sex friendship, a friend becomes more of a good comrade. On the other hand, love involves a greater degree of intimacy than friendship, it kind of includes friendship.

It can be difficult for a young man to reconcile his awakening sensuality with the norms of his moral code. Along with boys who exaggerate the physical aspects of sexuality, there are also those who do their best to isolate themselves, to hide from them. Asceticism, an emphatically contemptuous and hostile attitude towards any sensuality, can serve as psychological protection for them. The ideal of such a young man is not just the ability to control his feelings, but also their complete suppression.

Another typical protective installation- "intellectualism": if the "ascetic" wants to get rid of sensuality, since it is "dirty", then the "intellectual" finds it "uninteresting". The demands of moral purity and self-discipline are positive in themselves. But their hypertrophy entails artificial self-isolation from others, arrogance, intolerance, which are based on fear of life.

For high school students, their own experiences at first are sometimes more important than the object of affection. Hence the constant looking back at the opinions of peers of one's own sex, imitation, boasting of real, and more often imaginary "victories", etc. Falling in love at this age resembles epidemics: as soon as one couple appears in the class, everyone falls in love, and everything is calm in the next class. Objects of hobbies also often have a group character, since communication with a popular girl (or boy) in the class significantly increases one's own prestige among peers.

The relationship between boys and girls confronts them with many moral problems. High school students are in dire need of the help of their elders, primarily parents and teachers. But at the same time, young people want - and have every right to do so - to protect their intimate world from unceremonious invasion and peeping. V. A. Sukhomlinsky quite rightly demanded "to expel immodest and unnecessary talk about the love of pupils from the school."

3 Experiencing love in adolescence

Love is a more complex phenomenon than attachment, and therefore more difficult to define and study. People crave love, live for it, die for it. When people are asked why they are friends with someone, they readily justify their answer. Young people show the same tendencies in relation to their loved ones, explaining that they are full of virtues. Older people note that they love, rather "in spite of" than for something. They recognize themselves as the source of love, not their partner. The situation becomes even more obvious if love is unrequited. For a boy or girl, love is, most often, an unfamiliar feeling.

They don't know yet how she comes and how she leaves. The appearance of the object of love is a highly significant event in life young man, causing a "storm" of emotions, intense experiences. "Adolescence is characterized by a new type of communication, the subject of which is the young person himself as the subject of the relationship. The biggest discoveries in such relationships are made about yourself."

Often, a youthful dream of love expresses, first of all, a thirst for emotional contact, understanding, and spiritual intimacy. The need for self-disclosure and intimate human intimacy and sensual-erotic desires very often do not coincide and can be directed to different objects. At first, psychological intimacy is more easily achieved with a person of the same sex, with whom a teenager is connected by a wide range of common significant experiences, including erotic ones.

The most developed, based on empirical data modern classification(according to K. Hendrik and S. Hendrik) distinguishes six styles of love:

) eros - passionate, exclusive love-hobby, striving for complete physical possession;

) ludus - hedonistic love-game, which does not differ in depth of feeling and relatively easily admits the possibility of betrayal;

) storge - calm, warm and reliable love-friendship;

) pragma - rational, combining ludus and storge, easily amenable to conscious control love by calculation;

) mania - irrational love-obsession, for which uncertainty and dependence on the object of attraction are typical;

) agape - selfless love-self-giving, the synthesis of eros and storge.

Love-passion is emotional, exciting, intense. E. Hatfield defines it as "a state of irresistible desire to connect with a loved one." If the feeling is mutual, the boy and girl are overwhelmed with love and experience joy, if not, it devastates and leads to a state of despair.

Like other forms of emotional excitement, passionate love is a mixture of elation and despondency, joyful awe and dreary dejection. Love-passion is a state of powerful attraction to union with another person. Passionate lovers are completely immersed in each other, ecstatic when they achieve the love of their partner, and inconsolable when it is lost. But unlike boys, girls are more likely to focus on the intimate trust of a relationship and the need to take care of their partner. Guys are more interested in the game and physical side of their relationship.

The expectation of love and its experience in boys and girls is inevitably associated with sexual behavior, which, in turn, is determined in them both by the speed of puberty and social factors.

An important role in love relationships is played by ideas about how a loved one should be, which serve as a standard of choice and a criterion for its evaluation. In social psychology, there are three hypotheses about this:

) The ideal image of a loved one precedes the image of a real object, prompting a person to look for someone who would best match this image. For young people this perfect image vague and contains many unrealistic details;

) Unconscious idealization of the object of love, to which desirable features are attributed, regardless of what it really is;

) The properties of a real object of love determine the ideal of a lover.

“In all likelihood, all three hypotheses have well-known grounds. In some cases, the “object” of love is chosen in accordance with the previously established image, in others, idealization takes place, in the third, the ideal is formed or transformed depending on the properties of the real object. But what is the ratio of these moments and how they are combined in different people and in different circumstances - science cannot say.

1 Building friendships between boys and girls

Friendship is the most important type of emotional attachment and interpersonal relationships of adolescence. Very often one can hear the opinion that under the influence of the increased mobility of society, the acceleration of the rhythm of life and the expansion of the circle of communication, friendly relations modern youth become more superficial and extensive, that friendship is supplanted by broad friendly relations based on a common interest, and so on.

At all times, friendship has always been considered the highest moral value. The psychological patterns of youthful friendship, whether it be its ideal or real properties, are remarkably stable and manifest themselves in a wide variety of social and cultural environments. Another thing is that the friendship of different people is never the same sex and individual typological variations. Youthful friendships are semi-functional in nature. This explains the diversity of its forms: from simple joint pastime to the deepest confession and self-disclosure. But unlike group relations, which are based on some Team work Friendship is primarily an emotional attachment. The psychological value of youthful friendship lies in the fact that it is both a school of self-disclosure and a school of understanding of another person.

Friendship occupies an exclusive, privileged place among youthful attachments. "To the question: "Does true friendship often occur among your peers?" From 45 to 72% of high school students answered that it is rare, and the proportion of optimistic answers is decreasing. This indicates, first of all, an increase in the level of requirements for friendship about the complication of its criteria. Psychological intimacy with friends, the measure of understanding attributed to them and their own frankness in youth is maximum and far exceeds all other relationships. From a friend, the young man expects not only assessments close to his own self-esteem, but also exceeding it. In reality, everything happens in exactly the same way. indirect confirmation of the idea that one of the main unconscious functions of youthful friendship is the maintenance of self-respect of the individual. Youthful friendship is also unique in terms of age. As the first self-chosen deep individual attachment, it not only anticipates it, but partly includes it.

However, in the friendship of young men, the contradictions of this age are clearly manifested. The well-known uncertainty and instability of ideas about one's own "I" give rise to a desire to test oneself by playing some unusual roles. The young man suffers from the fact that he does not have enough means and opportunities to express his inner world.

Needing strong emotional attachments, young people sometimes do not notice the real properties of their object. For all their exclusivity, friendly relations in such cases are usually short-lived. Youth is emotional; high school students are violently carried away by new people, ideas, deeds. Adolescent and youthful egocentrism narrows opportunities interpersonal communication, gives rise to a kind of pseudo-intimacy, when, with external proximity, friends do not actually hear each other.

The psychology of youthful friendship is closely related to personality traits. Communicative properties are very stable. The individual typological features of friendship, manifested, in particular, in the degree of its depth and exclusivity, have been poorly studied. "Temperament seems to be an important factor; impulsive people open up to others more easily, and this causes a reciprocal emotional response, facilitating the establishment of friendly contact. There are people who have little need for psychological friendship at all. This is not only the result of selfishness or emotional poverty, but also hypertrophy of the achievement motive: a person who is completely absorbed in objective activity pays less attention to his own experiences and the people around him. One of the most common problems of adolescence is shyness, but a favorable climate in the team and intimate friendships help boys and girls overcome shyness and in this sense are of great psychotherapeutic value.

Summarizing all the above in this chapter, we can draw the following brief conclusions:

love in adolescence is one of the most important events of this age. The memory of him is preserved, as a rule, for life, thanks to vivid and unfamiliar experiences;

adolescence is characterized by a new type of communication, the subject of which is the young person himself as the subject of relations. Therefore, both in love and in friendship, the self-consciousness of the young man develops, his life plans take shape;

the youthful dream of love expresses a thirst for emotional contact, understanding, and spiritual intimacy. The need for self-disclosure and intimate human intimacy and sensual-erotic desires very often do not coincide and can be directed to different objects;

in adolescence, a moral and psychological readiness for family life;

friendship is the most important type of emotional attachment and interpersonal relationships of adolescence;

one of the main unconscious functions of youthful friendship is the maintenance of self-respect of the individual;

Youthful friendship helps to develop the personality and individuality of a young man.

2.2 Psychological help in overcoming negative experiences of adolescence

Boys and girls who seek help from a peer relationship counselor or psychotherapist are in a state of anxiety and fear. If from the very beginning the client treats the consultant with trust, then in the process of counseling he will become more courageous to share his feelings, thoughts, fears, which are not so easy to discuss with a stranger. The consultant should not evaluate, but listen, hear and understand. Teenagers and young men often hear from relatives: "Your problems are far-fetched, don't fool me." Meanwhile, we are talking very often not about objectively existing difficulties, but about feelings about significant relationships, their violation or the inability to build them;

Sincerity is one of the most important conditions for counseling young men. According to K. Rogers, congruence means that "in interpersonal relationships, the consultant expresses his feelings at ease and in his own way... Congruence is the conscious or unconscious opposite of showing a facade... It is known that the manifestation of the self is not considered in psychotherapy perfect style. The therapist does not need to demonstrate the highest degree of integration at every step. It is enough to be yourself during the psychotherapeutic contact."

empathy is a sine qua non counseling. The manifestation of empathy in communication means that the consultant sensitively and accurately responds to the experience of the client, as if it were his own experience. It implies the ability to "get used" to the subjective world of the client and understand the meaning of various events in this world.

One of the frequently encountered requests is worries about breaking up with a loved one. In adolescence, relationships are characterized by transience and instability, so breaks are frequent and painful. Oddly enough, but the experience of loss is akin to the experience of death. loved one as he leaves inner peace client, ceases to serve as a source of motives, and, consequently, generates a similar dynamics of experiences. R. Kociunas notes: "A break is the death of a relationship, causing the most diverse, but almost always painful feelings." In such cases, the consultant needs to keep in mind that before building a new relationship with a former lover, the young man, one way or another, is likely to do what Z. Freud called "the work of grief." It goes through several more or less pronounced stages:

) Stage of denial. Initially, the reality of what happened is denied. Usually a person spends a lot of time, energy and feelings on close relationships, so it is difficult to immediately come to terms with a breakup. The mental pain of the young man is so great that it may seem that life is over. At this stage, the situation of rupture is perceived with pronounced protection, through the rationalization mechanism, marital relations are devalued: "Nothing like that happened", "Finally he (she) got rid of me";

) The stage of anger. At this stage from heartache defended by anger towards a partner. Adolescents and young men are able to "gather" a team of sympathizers who, out of friendly feelings towards the "abandoned", can also express hostile feelings towards the initiator of the break;

)Negotiation stage. The third stage is the most difficult. Attempts are being made to restore relationships and many manipulations are used towards each other, including sexual relations, threatened pregnancy or pregnancy.

) Stage of depression. Depressed mood occurs when denial, aggressiveness and negotiations do not bring any results. A person feels like a failure, the level of self-esteem drops sharply, which often does not allow him to do some business in order to at least be distracted.

) Stage of adaptation. When the counselor meets with a client with such a problem during one of the above stages, the goal is to help the client "move" into the adjustment stage.

The range of problems that arise after a breakup is quite wide - from low self-esteem and depression, to the inability to start a new relationship. A significant role is played by the difficult experience of loneliness and the inability to control the situation. Because love relationship in adolescence, in most cases, unfold in front of their peers, suffering is even more aggravated. The main thing in such counseling is help in building a positive "I"-concept, overcoming unproductive experiences.

3 Diagnostics of the regulation of experiences in adolescence

The emotional factor in adolescence and youth is of particular importance. The level of emotional development is largely determined by the ability to master one's experiences and emotional reactions. Evaluation of the emotional maturity of a young man cannot be carried out without taking into account the formation of the mechanisms of regulation of experiences and the level of their development.

Any relationship, including friendship and love, requires a young person to overcome direct emotional reactions both from the communication partner and his own, that is, they require a certain flexibility of emotional response and experience. Specifically adolescent and youthful age-related tasks associated with gaining independence, independence, self-affirmation cannot be solved without the development of the ability to regulate experiences. Loss of emotional control leads to the formation psychological dependence young person from the situation and limits the repertoire of his coping behavior.

Adolescence is sensitive in terms of emotional development. During this period, a radical restructuring of the emotional sphere takes place, which is due to the internal logic mental development and is associated with the formation of thinking. It affects almost all areas of a teenager's relationship with others and leads to the formation of qualitatively new experiences, with new adaptive capabilities.

It can be difficult for adolescents and young men to articulate their emotional problems, many of them are not aware of them, and diagnostic tools in this area are clearly not enough. The method of diagnosing the regulatory processes of experiences significantly expands the possibilities psychological impact in psychocorrectional and advisory work.

In the work of Turevskaya T.A. defense mechanisms are understood as intrapsychic phenomena that implement specific functions in relation to experiences. She identifies three types of such defense mechanisms:

protective mechanisms that implement the functions of responding to experiences;

defense mechanisms that weaken or reduce experiences;

defense mechanisms aimed at transforming experiences.

This distinction between defense mechanisms is based on the identification of their various effects in relation to experience. In adolescence and youthful periods, there is a change in the intellectual processes that mediate experiences, the structure of experiences changes qualitatively. This suggests that the mechanisms of their regulation should also change in this period. Therefore, when designing a diagnostic technique, Turevskaya T.A. focused on the possibility of reflecting with its help the defense mechanisms themselves, how much of the process of transforming experiences through these mechanisms.

The study of the mechanisms of regulation of experiences is carried out on the model of a stimulus situation that affects the significant problems of a teenager, a young man, and in which there is an emotional conflict.

These instructions set a certain type of change in emotional response to the removal or weakening of the negative tone of experiences; or to change the sign of emotional arousal. The subject's task is to organize or transform the stimulus situation in order to change its emotional meaning.

Turevskoy T.A. systematization of protective mechanisms was carried out:

) Defense mechanisms that implement the function of reacting to experiences.

When responding to one or another of his emotional states, the subject must take into account the meaning that his emotional reaction will have for another and, accordingly, possible responses. Hence the problem arises - when and how to express emotions. In this regard, there are both social rules and specific ways of responding, which not only implement the function of detente emotional tension, but also regulates social interaction, or rather, involves mastering the emotional reactions of a communication partner. Three categories of response processes have been identified.

) direct forms of response;

) hidden;

) transforming.

In general, the results pilot study shows-that cultural forms responses are characterized by the use of auxiliary means that are aimed at regulating social interaction in the process of communication. These forms of discharging affect on the principle of feedback can change the subject's own emotional state.

) Defense mechanisms that implement the function of weakening experiences. Defense mechanisms of this type are directly aimed at the regulation of one's own emotional state and consist in the transformation of the cognitive basis of experiences, assuming the creation of auxiliary stimuli for the regulation of experiences. They are not homogeneous in terms of the mechanism of their action on experience. There are two classes of defense mechanisms - suppression and intellectualization. In the case of suppression, this is repression, denial, falsification, perceptual defense. Intellectualization includes devaluation, deactualization, rationalization.

) Defense mechanisms that implement the function of transforming experiences. Transformation means such a transformation of the cognitive structure of experiences, which leads to a change in their sign. Transformation processes can be viewed on the model of humor.

Humor, as a form of behavior, has a complex mediated structure, characteristic of higher mental processes. In general, the older a person is, the more likely he is to reduce his experiences with the help of humor. No wonder the ability to "humor" is not manifested in children, it has rude "unfunny" forms in adolescents, and only in adolescence acquire adult features. Thus, emotional development in adolescence is associated with progressive intellectualization of emotions. In the process of development, the role of intellectual functions in the regulation and response of experiences increases, and the intellectual processes involved in their internal restructuring become more complex. By adolescence, dissociation is found in emotional adaptation various parties or links of the emotional process. There is a separation of experience from the immediate stimulus situation or event, that is, what is perceived does not coincide with what is experienced. The content of experiences is determined not by the stimulus event itself, but by the result of its generalization. The above technique can be used to diagnose the formation of protective mechanisms that regulate experiences. For practical purposes, when diagnosing the protective mechanisms of a personality, it is important to determine three indicators: - the formation of the functions of regulating experiences (specific forms of response, reduction or weakening of experiences, as well as transformation); - the leading type (function) of the regulation of experiences; - degree of maturity of protective mechanisms.

Summarizing all of the above, we can draw the following brief conclusions: - boys and girls can be provided with advice on significant relationships, in particular friendships and love;

The most important conditions for the effectiveness of advisory assistance are the sincerity and empathy of the consultant, trusting relationship with the client;

Frequent emotional difficulties are caused by a break with a loved one, and the "work of grief" associated with this;

Any relationship, including friendship and love, requires a young person to overcome direct emotional reactions both from the side of the communication partner and their own, that is, they require a certain flexibility of emotional response and experience;

It is possible to diagnose the formation of emotional regulation associated with the work of protective mechanisms that allow reducing, transforming or eliminating negative emotional reactions about a specific significant event;

The degree of maturity of defense mechanisms can be identified by the method of T.A. Turevskaya.

Conclusion

The following conclusions can be drawn from the examination:

firstly, the emotional experiences of relationships in adolescence have a bright emotional coloring and are rarely forgotten in adulthood - love and friendship at this age leave an indelible impression;

secondly, a youthful dream of love expresses a thirst for emotional contact, spiritual intimacy, for the first time there is a need for self-disclosure, sensual-erotic desires;

thirdly, the experiences of boys and girls are so deep that sometimes special counseling assistance is needed for negative experiences about significant relationships, in particular friendships and love.

Bibliography

1.Abramova G.S. Developmental psychology. - M., 1999.

2. Bayard Robert T., Bayard Jean. Your restless teenager [Electronic resource]. URL: www.kaysen.net (accessed 01.12.2013).

Reader / comp. Frolov Yu.I. - M., 1997.

Kon I.S. Psychology of early youth. - M., 1989;

Psychology of a teenager. Reader / Comp. Frolov Yu.I. - M., 1997.

Mudrik L.V. Modern high school student. Reader by developmental psychology/ Ed. DI. Feldstein, - M., 1996.

Practical psychodiagnostics / ed. D.Ya. Raygorodsky. - Samara, 1998.

Turevskaya T.A. Diagnosis of the mechanisms and functions of the regulation of experiences in adolescence. Diagnosis and correction of violations of social adaptation of adolescents / Ed. S.A. Belicheva. - M., 1994.

Love in adolescence [Electronic resource] URL: (accessed 01.12.2013).

The problem of love and friendship in adolescence [Electronic resource] URL: http://wiki.uspi.ru/index.php/The problem_of_love_and_friendship_in_adolescence_age/ (accessed 01.12.2013).

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Teenagers, by virtue of their maximalism, tend to call everything love. But love is a mature feeling based on realistic expectations for the other person. It is generally not typical for teenagers.

Marina Slinkova

Family psychologist, leading trainings for teenagers and their parents

What scares parents

Love is a strong, vivid feeling that can completely take over a person. Yesterday your child could study, had some goals, hobbies. And now he closes himself in a room, endlessly talking and texting with someone, spending more time outside the house or lying on the couch and not reacting to anything ...

Love is a selfish feeling. Emotions that boil in a teenager are much more important to him than the object of sympathy itself. In just a month, several lovers can change - and each time it will be considered that this is serious and for a long time. The mood of your boy or girl during the period of falling in love can be compared to a roller coaster. A difficult time for parents: they simply stop being heard. In addition, for the first time in your life, you understand that your child, apart from you, can be completely happy. Or (in the case of unrequited love) absolutely unhappy, despite all your care. Not everyone is easy to accept.

All you can do for him is to be there and emotionally endure his experiences without devaluing them. Well, by chance, regardless of his specific passion, to throw information for thought.

Love or friendship

It happens that a child has a long-standing “paired” relationship, and he calls them “just friendship”. And it happens the other way around: all communication comes down to tracking an object on social networks or sitting at the same desk, but your teenager talks about “his girlfriend” or “his boyfriend.” Not like you, it’s hard for him to sort out his own experiences. Let's approach the question purely formally. Friendship and love - what do they have in common?

emotional attraction. We are pleased to be in one space, to see another, to appreciate the time spent together - whether it be a friend or a lover.

Confidence. Sharing your dreams, thoughts, plans, counting on a reciprocal revelation is natural both with friends and with your loved one.

Respect. Friendship and love suggests that relationships are built on mutual respect.

Support. We count on it and expect from friends and loving people. And they are ready to provide it.

How is love different from friendship? It would seem that the answer is simple - sex. In fact, there is both "sex for friendship" and chaste love - we'll talk about this later. Deeper, psychological plots allow you to distinguish a friend from “my girlfriend”:

Common goals. Friends share their plans, but lovers certainly build them together and include each other in them.

time and attention. The desire to be together every free minute and give attention to each other, this will never be met even in the strongest friendship.

positive illusions. Falling in love, we cease to perceive our chosen one in reality, his negative qualities seem to disappear. If someone talks about the shortcomings of the chosen one, then it is unbearable for a lover to hear.

This is important to discuss with your children.

Same sex

If you suddenly find your teenager kissing in the stairwell, you may be in a panic: what's next? Most likely nothing.

If we are talking about teenagers 11-14 years old, then sex at this age is a rare occurrence. The first ejaculation in boys normally occurs at 12-13 years, menarche in girls - at 11-12 years. That is, purely physically before they are not capable of sex and are not interested in it. Which, of course, does not exclude some behavioral features.

We have already said that teenage girls are afraid of the changes taking place in their own body. But at the same time, they seek to announce these changes - this is expressed in attacks on boys, awkward, inept, sometimes frighteningly obsessive coquetry. Boys, while still children without signs of puberty, stick to girls themselves, trying to touch, letting go of various jokes, or deliberately build very distant (strictly educational or emphatically friendly) relationships. At 11-12 years of age, the mismatch in communication between girls and boys reaches its maximum.

But at the age of 13-14, both begin to make efforts to build relationships with the opposite sex. In a couple, a teenager learns to communicate correctly: not only talk about himself, but also be interested in a partner, give him the opportunity to talk about himself; seek balance and not overload with your life's difficulties; talk about your feelings, and not just about events and incidents; do not lash out with kisses, but smoothly move from conversation to kisses.

At the age of 14-17, adolescents already have the necessary theoretical knowledge, natural curiosity and the need to establish themselves in the role of adults. In addition, young men have a strong sexual desire, and girls have a desire to make sure of their feminine attractiveness and strength. And the combination of these factors, even without falling in love, can move them to sexual debut. You may not approve of this. But pretending it doesn't exist is stupid. That's why with teenagers talk about sex and contraception even before puberty.

Stages of libido

Both parents and adolescents need to understand that all of the listed age stages correspond to the stages of libido formation: romantic, erotic and sexual. Each is important in its own way.

romantic accompanied by surprisingly bright, sharp, incomparable feelings. Young men in their fantasies perform feats in order to attract the attention of their beloved, and even better - they save her and thereby conquer. Girls in dreams draw themselves as desirable, tender, reverent, and their hero as disinterested, caring and patient. All this raises attraction to the height of True Love.

Erotic the stage of libido formation is marked by an increasing craving for physical rapprochement: gentle touches, kisses, hugs. This phase in young men is quickly replaced by the need for direct sexual contact, but it is important because it teaches you to notice the partner's sensual response to caresses. For girls, the awakening of a sensual response is very important: their emotions prevail over the processes of arousal, they are able to “love without sex” for quite a long time.

Sexy- the final stage in the formation of libido. If the previous stages have not been passed, then in adulthood there may be difficulties in sexual and partnership relations due to the lack of self-regulation skills, the experience of observing the partner's sensual response - there is no combination of physical intimacy with psychological.

What should parents do

The first love of a child is perhaps one of the most difficult stages in your relationship. On the one hand, you are well aware that a teenager in a normal situation is not inclined to listen to parental notations, and even an attempt to devalue the feelings or “denigrate the image” of a lover will completely undermine your relationship. On the other hand, you want to protect yourself from danger ... What to do?

Set boundaries. Mutual respect for boundaries is the basis of human relations. There are no borders - there will be no security and development. First of all, it is necessary to stipulate the time of returning home. For a teenager, the feeling of control and guardianship is not only practical, but also psychological: he feels the stability of his life, he feels the strength of his parental position. If there are consequences for violation, then they must occur. Yes, he protests, resists, threatens not to go to school- keep firmness and calmness (even visible), do not shout.

The very restrictions that you create for him will help him evade dubious actions, blaming everything on you: there is an agreement with the ancestors to come no later than 22.00, not to drink alcohol and drugs.

And over time, you will have to discuss whether it is possible to leave the girl (boy) for the night, whether it is possible for them to leave for a camp site for two days. In order to gain more freedom, a teenager must win the trust of his parents, that is, fulfill their requirements and his own promises. The expansion of freedom comes as a result of your trust in him - and this connection must be voiced, emphasized.

First love always comes unexpectedly, especially for the parents of a teenager. Inspired by a strong feeling, especially if it is mutual, the children completely surrender to him. Forget about friends, school, household chores. Parents are at a loss, they do not know how to behave so as not to cause aggression, a protest in their beloved child. The advice of psychologists will help to understand this difficult question, warn against errors.

At what age do teenagers first fall in love?

The feeling of falling in love for the first time overtakes teenagers at the age of 12-16. The relationship between boys and girls is changing due to the increase in hormonal levels, there is a sense of adulthood. Girls experience the first feelings of affection earlier than boys. This is due to the fact that the representatives of the stronger sex physically and psychologically mature later. For this reason, the object of girlish love is more often not peers, but high school students.

Features of teenage love

A 13-16-year-old child idealizes his lover. He constantly experiences a feeling of admiration, pleasure from communicating with him. Teenage love doesn't look like serious love at all adult feeling, it has its own characteristics:

• At 11-12 years old, love on the part of boys manifests itself in the form of rude antics, pulling pigtails, petty fights with a lover. Girls, on the other hand, react to attention with complaints and whining, pretending that they really do not like it. As teenagers grow older, they learn to express their feelings in a different way than adults.
• A teenager idealizes the object of his love. Relationships are looked at through pink. It brings a lot of pain when parting.
• First love is rarely mutual. It is important for children to feel the support of loved ones at this moment.
• Children in love, if the feelings are mutual, dream of the future, even of creating a family. These are not fantasies, but their real conviction. Don't disappoint them right away.
• Adults ridicule love as a betrayal, mockery and misunderstanding. Such behavior of parents can lead to a break in communication with the child.
• Children do not equate love and sexual relations. At the age of 11-14, teenagers rarely think about physical intimacy. The first feelings lead to intimacy closer to 15-16 years.
• When teenagers break up, a child abandoned by a lover has a feeling that the world has collapsed. This is the real tragedy. At this moment, it is important to be there, to become a friend to your son or daughter.
• Teenagers who are in love are more likely to hide their feelings from their parents. They find it easier to discuss experiences with peers.
• According to psychologists, teenagers under 15-16 years old in 90% of cases love not a relationship partner, but their new emotions and experiences. And they need this experience for later life.

It is interesting!According to statistics, approximately 13% of marriages are between people who fell in love with each other during adolescence (up to 16 years). 57% of them are not destroyed until the end of the life of the spouses. At the same time, 56-64% of husbands and wives admit that they are still in love with their soulmate after 10-20 years of marriage.

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Common Parenting Mistakes

Parents are not ready for the new state of their beloved child, who yesterday thought only about cartoons and games with friends in the yard, and today declares his love. They don't know how to behave, so they make a lot of mistakes.

1. They do not take a teenager's first love seriously, they consider him too small for feelings. This offends the lover very much, the atmosphere inside the family is heating up, the child withdraws into himself, stops sharing experiences with his parents.
2. They do not approve of the choice of son or daughter. condemned in every possible way appearance, character, behavior of a girlfriend or friend of your child. For a teenager, his second half is ideal, so he cannot understand his parents.
3. Detract from the importance of first love. “Is this love?! Walk for a week together and scatter! Small yet! Such words hurt the teenager for the living, it seems to him that the first feeling comes forever. Ridicule can affect future interpersonal relationships, adult sexual life.
4. They are forbidden to meet. Parents worry about abandoned school, the absence of a child at home, constant phone calls or communication through social networks at night. As a result, they impose a ban on meeting with a lover. This leads to conflict between the child and adults. Children begin to play spies, they like the role of Romeo and Juliet. The more restrictions, the more stronger desire resist them.

The main task of parents is to help a teenager in love survive this important life stage. The advice of psychologists will help maintain trust between you and peace in the family:

The first love among teenagers is distinguished by sincerity, strength. The kids are head over heels in it. It is very difficult for parents to delicately control the behavior of the child, but you need to make every effort to do this. Your support and understanding will definitely be appreciated later.

Attention! The use of any medicines and dietary supplements, as well as the use of any medical methods, is possible only with the permission of a doctor.