Psychologist's advice: how to cope with resentment?

As we said earlier, resentment is a heavy, destructive feeling that keeps us in the past, deprives us of strength and the opportunity to rejoice and live on. If we want to live and be happy, then it is important to let go of this unproductive feeling and get rid of resentment. But how to bring this to life if something hot and sticky is spilling inside and it seems that everything inside will collapse from powerlessness? Let us, after all, try to cope with the resentment, and our attempts will certainly bear fruit.

Create a list of alternative explanations for why the breakup occurred.

If you had a breakup in the past, and a man or woman simply disappeared, do not try to correlate all their actions and actions solely with your personality, try to find alternative options, this helps a lot.

If you are tormented by the thought: “He left because I’m bad and not pretty enough,” “She left me because I’m not good enough,” then think about creating a list of alternative thoughts.

They could be, for example, like this:

She had not completed her previous relationship, so she was not ready for a new one.

In past relationships, he experienced mental trauma and is afraid of getting closer to a woman, content with only superficial contacts.

She feels that we look at things differently family life, and therefore does not see the future of our relations.

His relationship style is to charm women. This is his way of increasing self-esteem; he is not ready for a mature relationship.

After reading all the options, it becomes easier, because the area of ​​responsibility for failure, it turns out, does not lie entirely with you. You need to accept that some events in life do not depend on you. The people who experience separation the hardest are those who want to control everything and everyone, no matter if it’s a man or a woman. Then breakups become even more painful, especially for narcissistic individuals. They are more worried and offended not because of the loss of the relationship, but because they were treated unfairly. The main message of such a person is: “They don’t do that to someone like me.” This belief literally paralyzes the narcissist and causes him to have very negative and aggressive emotions. He is inclined to hatch plans for revenge and often behaves with hidden hostility with subsequent partners; he may subsequently break up spontaneously in order to prevent the other from breaking off the relationship with the first. Thus, he will try to avoid feeling abandoned.

Exercise "Film exposure"

One simple exercise helps to effectively get rid of resentment. Make a list of facts and qualities that you noticed in your partners, but tried to push out of your attention. These should be exactly the moments that you didn’t really like about them. Look carefully at these qualities and do not try to find excuses for them or push them out of your sight.

Exercise "Responding to Negative Emotions"

All our feelings live in our body; they penetrate our muscles like a dense frame. In order to free yourself from them, it is advisable to react to these emotions, to bring them out of the frozen state. The less we experience externally, the more our muscles store unexpressed negative feelings. In earlier times, people were much more free to express their feelings, be it anger or rage, fear or shame. Today we are forced to hide our feelings, especially if they are perceived by society as “negative”. But this happens only on a superficial level, and all our experience is internal. We hide all our conflicts and emotional traumas in our body.

Focus on your body. Try to relax, lie down, close your eyes and listen to your body. Find something more than just a feeling, something inside that prevents you from living freely. Breathe evenly and calmly, feel the pauses between inhalation and exhalation, try to imagine in the form of an image your feeling of resentment, which is rooted and hiding somewhere in the body.

It can look completely different. Try to make friends with this image, ask why it is there, ask to let you go, and let it go yourself. Take paper, colored pencils or paints to draw with your fingers, try to express your feeling on paper. This is an amazing art therapy technique that allows us to bring out from within our personality what is often hidden. You can draw the feeling more than once, you can redraw and add more bright colors this insult. When you feel that you have managed and expressed yourself fully, then tear up your drawings and burn them. This will help you get rid of the resentment, it will begin to gradually go away.

This is a question most of us regularly ask. From early childhood we were taught that it is wrong to offend people around us. But for some reason they rarely talked about the fact that being offended yourself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. Whether you remember grievances or not is your business, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.

Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?

By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quickly outgoing person. Despite this, some time ago I could scroll in my head for a very long time about thoughts about unfair treatment of me. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.

If you think about it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? Why? and for what? He didn’t treat us the way we expected him to. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of another person’s ugly act ultimately lead to inadequate, low self-esteem.

As a result, it leads to disruptions in the functioning of our nervous system, anger and decreased self-esteem. Well, then, usually, the well-known sores begin, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments... In general, everything that ingrained grievances towards other people lead to.

How to stop being offended and get rid of resentment?

By by and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong towards you, for acting somehow unfairly. In fact, this point of view is a losing one from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe” you something. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, resentment sets in.

And of course, most often we don’t think about why a person treated us the way he did. You are hurt, you are slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions cloud the mind. All this is a rather convenient position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes people treat us unkindly, and yes, sometimes those closest to us do the same. It is bad news.

But there are also good ones. Don't forget that you have in your arsenal different variants perception of the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person, if your offender is simply a bad person.

Unfortunately, for many the most convenient option It turns out to blame others for unfair treatment, changing one environment for another. This is everyone’s right, and I don’t think that it is easy to encourage an adult with such a pattern of behavior that has been established throughout his life to think that he himself is to blame for his disappointments.

But returning to the question: “ how to stop being offended?”, let us remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of ourselves, loved ones, because our long-term grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and, ultimately, to loneliness. Therefore, right now, once again scrolling through your head all those who did not treat you the way you wanted, tell yourself: “Yes, this happened. And yes, it was unpleasant for me.” Now dive in for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes, tell yourself: “That’s it, enough insults!”

After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go from life, and your present is now only in your wonderful hands, from the very beginning, from a clean slate! Therefore, away with resentment and “resentment” and forward to your beautiful life, filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂

How to learn not to be offended by people?

Finally, I would like to give a few simple, but effective recommendations, about how to be less offended.

• Remember: being offended is not constructive. Offended man often turns into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
• Play sports and drive healthy image life: in a fairly quick time, in this way you will significantly strengthen nervous system, which will smooth out such negative traits such as irritability, resentment, uncertainty, and so on.
• Be realistic. Don't live in a world of illusions and high expectations. Often resentment begins when life abruptly brings you back to earth.

I hope these simple tips will help you overcome your resentment and move on with your life. life path in harmony with yourself and with others. All the best! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂

The content of the article:

Touchiness is a negative emotion (selfishness, arrogance) that has become a stable character trait. It manifests itself as resentment, as a result of which a person considers himself offended. On this basis, he may develop a feeling of envy and revenge. It is characteristic to a greater extent of infantile individuals, who often see a catch in communication, an infringement of their rights and freedoms, even in a situation that seems conflict-free at first glance.

Description and mechanism of development of touchiness

Before we talk about resentment, let's understand what resentment is. It is inherent in absolutely all people, it has a range of shades. It manifests itself as grief, a reaction to trouble, insult, humiliation or persecution. But for some, it’s a slap in the soul, which can develop into blood feud.

Let's say the behavior loved one not at all what I would like to see. This causes a feeling of annoyance - a lot of resentment towards him. Another option: you always treated your friend well, supported him in difficult times and did not consider this a cost of communication. And now you are in trouble, and he is on the sidelines. It is bitter to be disappointed in people, to lose faith in them, but, unfortunately, sometimes this happens in our lives.

About the roots of this unpleasant feeling. If resentment gnaws at the soul constantly and gives no peace, it becomes a character trait. Far from the best, which can be characterized as touchiness. Often a touchy person is vindictive because of the seemingly simplest everyday little things. Let's say a person had a fight, his anger is hidden and does not go away, he still dreams of taking revenge on his offender.

Touchiness as a character trait can be traced back to childhood. This has logical explanation. A little person (boy or girl) is defenseless, so his offense is a kind of defense mechanism. By screaming, crying, and stamping his feet, the baby often forces attention to himself and gets his way. Often a child deliberately manipulates this behavior in the confidence that it will force him to be taken into account.

And if parents indulge their child just to avoid his hysteria, over time he will grow into an “emotional” scoundrel. A selfish person who will build his adult life only on confrontation with others. A little something went wrong, and he already has a grudge: towards his loved ones, friends - towards the whole White light. This is typical for both men and women. There is no big difference here, although women's touchiness has some of its own characteristics.

And this is no longer a defensive childish reaction, but a pathological character trait. In contrast to ordinary resentment, which can be a response to, say, unfulfilled expectations. For example, they look at their neighbor as a good friend, but he turns out to be a boor and a scoundrel. And disappointment sets in. However, time passes, the grief is forgotten. Life goes on.

In psychology there is such a thing as mental resentment. This is when a person is constantly offended by everyone. No matter what anyone tells him, he is all wrong. This is already a pathology mental development in need of psychological correction.

It is important to know! Touchiness is an unpleasant character trait that grows out of childhood grievances. For some people, it may become dominant in life, which is evidence of a mental disorder.

Who is susceptible to touchiness?

Both men and women are susceptible to touchiness. As a result of research, psychologists have concluded that people with a developed right hemisphere of the brain (responsible for intuition, emotional condition) are more touchy. But those who are used to thinking logically (left hemisphere) are not so angry.

Different types characters are also susceptible to such negative emotions in different ways. The people who are most indignant are melancholic people who have been experiencing their psychological trauma for a long time. And it can be inflicted by choleric people - explosive, often unbridled individuals in the manifestation of their feelings. Due to their tough character, resentment often develops into revenge. Phlegmatic and sanguine people are the least touchy; they are more resistant to various kinds troubles and strive not to offend anyone themselves.

Whatever the type of character, a person must be able to restrain his emotions. You shouldn’t throw them out on other people, but you shouldn’t keep them to yourself either. You must always behave calmly. This will save you from many troubles in life.

The main causes of touchiness

The reasons for touchiness lie in the mental makeup of the individual. For example, the husband got into stressful situation because of a quarrel with his wife or vice versa - she quarreled with her husband. If one of them has touchiness as a character trait, such a situation can ruin the relationship for a long time, even leading to divorce. And only a psychologist can help here.

The causes of resentment are different, including specific situation They can also manifest themselves in different ways, although in most cases a certain pattern can be traced. Let's take a closer look at all these factors:

• Infantilism. An adult resembles a child in his behavior. He is still offended just as he was in childhood, and cannot “stop” in any way. The reason for this behavior may be weakness of will. When it is easiest to hide behind resentment your inability or unwillingness to do what is required. He hides his weakness under the guise of resentment, saying, “Nobody understands me, everyone around me is bad.”
• . Another person deliberately seems offended; for example, he frowns, is reluctant to talk, and with his whole appearance shows that he has been unfairly offended. This is actually a childish trick to achieve a favorable attitude towards oneself. It is often used by the female sex, hoping to “pout” to attract male attention.
• Vindictiveness. It develops when they cannot or do not want to forgive. Resentment blurs the eyes, grows until the “end of the world”, except for it, nothing is visible. Such anger often has a social background. All southern peoples are very touchy due to their Old Testament traditions. For them, touchiness has become a national character trait and manifests itself as bloody revenge.
• Unfulfilled hopes. Touchiness here can be momentary in nature, but it can also be “global,” that is, long-lasting. For example, a child was offended because dad promised to buy a smartphone, but gave him a cheap mobile phone. This is a simple grievance, and may soon be forgotten. But if a girl married a man on whom she had high hopes, but it turned out that she married “a goat who only drinks,” this is already a big insult and trauma associated with her inflated expectations.
• Stressful situation. When a person is in a difficult situation, let’s say depression sets in due to a quarrel with his wife (husband). Resentment and anger are not the best advisor here; this can lead to serious consequences in a relationship. A serious illness or physical disability or injury can also cause resentment. Such people feel that they are not given due attention. Sometimes envy of healthy people can become such a “touchy” factor.
• Betrayal of a loved one. Let’s say I believed him, but he didn’t help in a difficult situation. I didn’t borrow money when I asked him, although I could have easily.
• Suspiciousness. A suspicious person is touchy. He always doubts everything, and therefore does not trust anyone. When he is reproached for this, he can be offended for a long time.
• Introvert. When a person is immersed in his inner world, he can carry his touchiness within himself for years, mentally playing out how he will be able to take revenge on his offender.
• Pride. Always the companion of touchiness. Arrogant man cannot even admit the thought that someone could say bad things about him. And if this happens, he gets offended.

It is important to know! All people are offended, but not all take their offense to anger and hatred, which often lead to criminal offenses.

Signs of touchiness in a person

One of the main signs of touchiness should be considered anger. Characterized by varying degrees of manifestation - indignation, irritation, indignation, anger, rage. But this does not always happen. It all depends on the type of personality, and therefore all manifestations of touchiness have certain personal characteristics.

These include:

1. Change in complexion. From an insult, a melancholic person may turn pale and outwardly react weakly, but deep in the soul the insult blooms magnificently. The choleric person will blush and react violently: screaming, waving his fists, swearing, that is, he becomes aggressive. Someone is very worried, his hands are shaking, while others are as quiet as water. For some, blood pressure rises and spasms in the throat begin.
2. Intonation changes. A person can scream, swear (choleric) or swallow the insult in silence, that is, withdraw into himself (melancholic).
3. Vindictiveness. Often, touchiness turns into feelings such as anger and revenge, when resentment lurks deep in the soul and seeks its way out in the decision to take revenge on the offender at all costs.
4. Insidiousness. Touchiness can be hidden under the guise of goodwill, but in fact a person harbors evil thoughts towards the one who offended.
5. Irritation. Spills out on others. A touchy person blames everyone for his inconsistencies, because everyone is to blame for him - relatives, friends (if he has not lost them yet) and acquaintances.
6. Closedness. Often such people retreat into their resentment and become sullen towards others.
7. Disease. Chronic illness, injury or injury can cause increased resentment. It’s hard for a person, he understands his condition, he envies healthy people, and therefore he is offended by the whole world.
8. Striving for glory. If a person is vain, he is offended by everyone who did not appreciate him.
9. Arrogance, pride. People who consider themselves superior to others are easily offended by those who do not.

It is important to know! If a person is fixated on his touchiness, this is already a reason to turn to a psychologist to get rid of his addiction.

How to get rid of resentment

Touchiness does not make a person beautiful. Such people are often prone to outbursts of rage, which can lead to the sad end of themselves or those towards whom the unbridled anger is directed. You need to be able to cope with your resentment on your own and know how to control it. If this happens, we can say about such a person that he is quite mature, the level of his psychological preparation is quite high. He solves his problems successfully.

Independent actions to combat resentment

Here are some tips on how to deal with resentment yourself:

• Learn to shift your attention. If you are offended, there is no need to blame others for everything. Just think, if this happens, it means that I myself am to blame for something. Maybe the reason lies in me. Don't get angry and try to figure everything out. Logic and intelligence will help you find the right solution. You will maintain your calm and not enter into a completely unnecessary conflict.
• Don't get into a fight. After listening to the attacks, do not get excited, but try to cool down the ardor of those who are attacking you, saying, for example, that such words are unpleasant to hear. Such a phrase, spoken calmly and kindly, will help settle a quarrel. Of course, if the person who started it feels remorse. In any case, pride, when there is no desire to listen to your opponent, but wants to send him to hell, is not the best adviser in a flared up resentment.
• Know how to speak tactfully. Without rudeness or swearing. Even if a person is wrong, you should not tell him this rough form or with a feeling of, say, such joy, like, I knew that it would be completely different, but you didn’t listen. Only a sense of tact will help defeat ill will and nip a quarrel in the bud.
• Don't take even mean jokes with offense. Know how to approach everything with a certain amount of humor. The offender will understand that you will not be “caught” and will leave you behind.

It is important to know! Touchiness is not the best adviser. Only the ability to carry on a conversation will help you forget about her.

Psychological methods of dealing with resentment

Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to cope with their irritation towards other people. In this case, a psychologist will tell you how to get rid of touchiness. He will teach you how to deal with your problem. There are many different psychological techniques; which one to follow depends on the specialist.

Gestalt therapy techniques are well suited. They focus on adjusting emotions, which Gestal therapists believe underlie human behavior. If you understand the cause of negative feelings, you can get rid of them, then your behavior will change. And this is already the key to victory over touchiness.

The technique of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is popular, although it does not have official status. Perceptions, beliefs and behavior determine our lives, if you change them, you can get rid of psychological trauma. For example, on a piece of paper you should write down the name of your offender and everything you have against him. Then burn this piece of paper. All your grievances will disappear along with the ashes. You can write him a letter on the computer without being embarrassed about your emotions. But you don’t need to beat and burn a smart car. This certainly won't make it any easier.

Another way: beat a pillow with your hands, or, if possible, a punching bag, and take out all your rage on them. This will give vent to all the resentment and anger. In Japan, some offices have installed a stuffed boss, and every clerk can beat him until exhaustion. This is how he gives vent to his aggression, because it is known that no one likes bosses. This one is pure psychological method It is not accidental, it has been established that after such a release of “steam”, labor productivity increases significantly.

Another effective way How to get rid of touchiness is to start a “Journal of Resentment.” Draw it into four columns and write down your feelings in detail in each:

• "Resentment". In what situation did she appear?
• "Expectations". What was expected, say, from a partner, and what actually happened.
• "Analysis". Why expectations turned out to be wrong, who is to blame for this, you or your partner.
• "Conclusions". Based on the analysis, determine what the right thing to do is to change the situation for the better.

It is important to know! Resentment as a mental disorder is completely curable. You just have to really want it.

Medical solution to the problem of touchiness

When touchiness controls the life of an individual and fills his entire essence, this is already a pathology. Such a person is dangerous to others. Resentment speaks in him, it develops into rage and the desire to take revenge at all costs, which becomes manic. This may end in suicide or murder of one's alleged offender.

Such people are isolated from society, placed in psychiatric hospital, where they can stay for a long time, sometimes even for life. They are prescribed psychotropic and sedative drugs to bring down manic psychosis and put things in order and calm the nervous system.

How to get rid of touchiness - watch the video:

Resentment is far from the best human feeling; it is unpleasant and causes a lot of trouble. If a person knows how to control his emotions, troubles do not knock him out of his usual rhythm of life. Self-control helps to “resolve” problems and helps you always remain calm and balanced in any situation. Everyone respects such a person. If touchiness causes serious concern, you need to get rid of it yourself or with the help of a psychologist. Even extremely emotional people can do this.

Life without negative emotions is much brighter - “Beautiful and Successful” is sure, who today will tell you why resentment towards a man is harmful and how to get rid of it. We women can be offended by a boyfriend or husband for various reasons, and they can be quite serious.

But let's talk about those frequent situations when we bet own principles above common sense and slowly but surely we push our loved one away from us.

Increased sensitivity (this is exactly the character trait that is formed similar situations) extremely negatively affects relationships, gives rise to new quarrels, the desire to offend in return, to take revenge.

Large or small, but long and carefully accumulated grievances over several years, like a vile worm, “undermine” relationships and corrode trust.

This affects everything from the level of sincerity to sex, and over time can destroy the relationships between the closest people!

Today it is proven by scientists that resentment is the “leader” among negative emotions. In medical reference books, it’s time to create a section “offenses against men and women Health“, because, first of all, this feeling is associated with diseases of the female genital area. It is also believed that this feeling “accumulates” in the hips and chest.

As you can see, there are more than enough reasons to get rid of it.

Shall we get started?

I'm offended!

Reasons for resentment modern woman a lot :) My husband didn’t praise me well enough new hairstyle(too much - a friend’s hairstyle), refuses to walk the dog, or hasn’t been able to nail a shelf in the bathroom for a whole year. There are also bad moods, stress and hormones.

One harsh word - and now a whirlwind of emotions picked you up and sent you crying into the bathroom. The women's site is sure that you should not allow resentment towards the man you love to control your life and relationships.

Wrong tactics during resentment:

• silence
• ignoring
• sex manipulation

It is worth getting rid of resentment completely. To get rid of means to forgive, and not just “push” the feeling into the depths of the subconscious, from where it will guide your mood.

How to cope with a grudge against a man - act with lightning speed:

1. As soon as you felt this sharp prick, immediately calmly tell the man what exactly, what words or tone caused negative emotion. Wait for him to turn on psychic abilities, you can forever :) Discuss the situation openly, and resentment will not have a chance to ruin your life.
2. Are you offended? Think objectively about whether you are trying to attract the missing attention. In this case, your feelings have a different name (,). Here you need to think not about how to let go of a grudge against a man, but to solve other problems.
3. If your relationship has been going on for a long time, and your husband stubbornly refuses to agree with you, do not let resentment arise. This different points vision, and a compromise between close people is always possible.

It is important to realize the situation and understand what kind of emotions are born in you. Spare your time and energy. You could very well spend it with benefit and pleasure, together with your beloved man.

Instead of being offended and sad, do something you love or something that will bring balance, for example, SPA treatments :)

A woman’s resentment towards a man is a lack of confidence

Psychologists are sure that men are most often offended women who are not confident in themselves, their appearance, their strengths and abilities. The intensity and frequency of insults directly depends on your internal state and level of self-esteem.

Therefore, first of all, you need to solve your own problems. Experts like to illustrate this situation with the following phrase: “admit that you were not offended, but you were offended.”

An old grudge against a man: what to do?

Much more harm is caused not by small, quickly forgotten grievances, but by those that weigh heavily on the chest for years. In this case, you will have to work a little more.

Take a piece of paper and write down the situation or words that you were offended by, and then the emotions that you experienced. Break down your resentment into separate, understandable sensations (except for resentment).

Next, ask yourself, could the man have acted differently or chosen different words? If yes, then think about why he did what he did. Perhaps he also experienced unpleasant sensations at this moment (he received a scolding from his boss, his favorite football team lost, he had a headache). But! Don’t justify the man, but forgive him – more on that below.

How to get rid of a grudge against a man: forgive and let go

Your work with a specific grievance must end forgiveness of a man. You do this for yourself, and not for him - you get rid of the black, unpleasant, destructive feeling. After talking through the situation and parsing your feelings into components, imagine an image of forgiveness: luxury flower, blossoming inside you, a clear sky from which the storm clouds are leaving, a crying child who begins to smile.

You can come up with your own, the brightest one, with which you associate peace. Having honestly done such work, you will achieve it.

Please note that if an offense against a man occurs in similar situations that are often repeated, then you should contact a specialist. Don't be offended, and your life will be much healthier and happier!