I participated several times in various programs - television and radio, in which the question of raising children was raised. And in one case, the question proposed for discussion sounded quite fundamental: to beat or not to beat if the child does not obey.

I decided to consult with my dad ( Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko, who raised 12 children), and he told me: “Keep in mind that beating in itself did not teach anyone anything, children need to be loved.”

I remember that my confessor, Father Vladimir Vorobyov, has repeatedly said and continues to say that if a parent in the “process of education” loses self-control, allows himself to shout at the children, and even more so, to beat them, then the effect of this will be, and not immediately noticeable . But this effect will be the opposite of parental expectations.

The child will begin to be afraid, will begin to try to avoid parental anger, and, having neither physical nor moral strength, to resist the authority of an adult, will take advantage of what is available to him - will begin to deceive.

And on the contrary, if raising children is based on love, if children feel this love, then the reluctance to upset a loving person will be so great that the adult will not need to scream or lose his temper.

This is the main one general principle, without which, it seems to me, it is generally useless to talk about education.

As for specific cases of disobedience, everything here works depending on the specific situation.

Here I am sitting, talking on a mobile phone, and my eldest, 15-year-old son brought me a landline phone and said: “They are asking for you.” It is clear that I will be strict: I assume that at the age of 15 a child is able to understand that if an adult is talking on the phone, then there is no need to disturb him by asking him to talk on another phone at the same time. He is also able to answer that dad is currently talking on his cell phone and offer to call back later.

But here’s another situation, this time with a baby: the child puts his fingers into the socket. It is clear that you should not lecture him at this time, watching as he gets an electric shock. It’s enough to hit him on the hand, and he will understand better than any words or notations at this age that you can’t do that.

This, by the way, does not fall into the “beat” category. You just need to act quickly and clearly in this emergency situation. Just if for a child such parental behavior is extraordinary and not usual, he will understand that he has done something out of the ordinary.

Calm, just calm

As I already said, the most important thing for parents is to maintain inner peace. This is what my parents taught me as a child by example and what I still cannot truly achieve.

You can’t attack a child shouting: “Don’t you dare do that again!” - he won’t hear anything except our aggression.

Love, as a certain basis, consistency of requirements, inflexibility in their fulfillment are the basic principles of education.

And also respect. My parents always treated their children with great respect and great trust. In a large family, as a rule, it is difficult to live closely, with personal physical space, and the more valuable, it seems to me, is respect for internal personal space, for freedom.

Most of all, as a child and teenager, I valued the trust that I enjoyed with my parents. I was not an exemplary child in my behavior, but fearing the loss of parental trust and the internal freedom given to me, I managed not to commit any irreversible actions.

But the merit in this is not mine, but of the confessor and parents, who knew how not to interfere, to leave freedom of choice where it was useful, that is, in most cases, and to say a tough, definite “no” where it needed to be done.

Not having the meek character of my father, the humility of my confessor, being an explosive, proud and harsh person, I try to minimize my managerial and commanding participation in the lives of children.

But in this sense, the Lord saves me by the fact that all these shortcomings of mine are compensated by the merits of my wife, who knows how to be soft, calm, patient with all these children: with five schoolchildren, one older preschooler, three babies, including a baby.

She knows how to deal with everyone, meet, conduct, do homework correctly, send them to help in the kitchen, take one to class, meet another, be a dispatcher, educator, after-school group teacher, teacher, help repeat again, go over again the material that they didn't understand.

But, nevertheless, I try to adhere to the principle of respect with children, inner freedom. This is especially important when the child reaches adolescence and pre-teenage. I see how important it is for a child that I trust him, consider him responsible, and he tries, like I once did, to justify this trust.

Holidays are the hardest

The school year is a difficult time, but the most difficult time for a large family is the holiday period. Having gathered together in a fairly limited space, children turn into some kind of grenade that can explode at any moment. Because energetic individuals are suddenly left without some such life-defining activity: without going to school, music and sports classes.

So children, especially if there are a lot of them, need to be occupied both during the holidays and during the school year. So that this children's energy goes away usefully and in the right direction.

So that children absorb and master the information, abilities, skills that are necessary at this particular age. So that later, when they take the first step into adulthood, they graduate from school and receive higher education or choose a different path for themselves, they would have the most important baggage. Not just erudition, which is not bad, but the ability to work, the understanding that in life the most important thing is often the concept of “should” and not “want”.

From a very early age, a child must be taught that there are not only “I want”, but also “I must” and “I cannot.”

If a small child tells me demandingly, for example: “I want a car!”, I explain that I don’t understand the word “I want”, but I understand “Can I please?”

While the child is small, all his hooting, his first words, the way he whimpered and everyone rushed to him - this causes tenderness. But it’s one thing to carry a baby in your arms, another thing to carry a grown-up child - then you’ll break your back.

So in raising children, some sobriety is important: what is allowed to a “hooking” baby is no longer allowed to an older child who walks, talks, and is responsible for himself within certain limits.

Here you can explain to him and demand something. For example: “You can’t talk like that, and I won’t listen to you until you speak normally. Walk out the door, when you calm down, then come back.” That is, an appeal to a certain limited choice: either you stay here and we communicate calmly, or you scream, but behind the door. When you get tired, come back.

Clarity and limited space

Clarity of requirements is important for children - my dad talks to me about this all the time. We need to convey to the child that there are things that cannot be done, this is unacceptable in our family, because this is a tradition and the norm of life, this is part of our worldview. Therefore, this is possible, but this is not.

Father Vladimir Vorobyov has said more than once that a child is designed in such a way that he cannot live in some open space, his space must be limited. And it is limited from the moment of birth - to diapers, then to a crib, a stroller, a playpen, an apartment. Then - the yard, but only next to my mother, grandmother, brothers, sisters.

Then he grows up, starts going to school, his space is limited to school, post-school education, and again, to home. The same restrictions are needed in behavior.

It is impossible to raise a child only by appealing to his prudence. For example, put a box of chocolates in front of him and say: “You only need to eat one candy, then everything will be fine. If you eat a lot of sweets, you’ll ruin your teeth and get a stomach ache.” He will sincerely say: “I know that this is impossible, I understand why it is bad.” Then we will leave, leaving him alone with this temptation, and he, due to his childhood, will not be able to overcome it. We will be to blame for this, not the child.

Yes, you need to respect the child’s personality, but you cannot build one-level relationships, because an adult and a child are still at different levels - knowledge, experience. No adequate parent will leave a child in permissiveness: they will take the knife out of the child’s hands and make sure that he does not gouge out his eye with scissors...

But attempts to build an equal relationship with a child in a bad sense, it seems to me, cripple him. They must be equal precisely in respect of human dignity. But they cannot be equal between parent and infant, because this means either assuming that the infant can be responsible for himself in the same way as an adult, or reducing himself to the level of an infant. But in both cases we are talking about an inadequate attitude to the situation.

Brothers and sisters

In my parents’ family, my father, among other things, regulated the relationships between the children by firmly following the rule - “the whip comes first to the informer.” Snitching was not encouraged. First of all, he scolded those who tell lies and completely weaned us off this.

Even in my parents’ family, and now in my family, we adhere to the principle that in a dispute between elders and younger ones, the elders should still give in.

It is clear that within certain limits. If a younger child tries to take away an older girl's porcelain doll, then it is clear that a beautiful porcelain doll should not be given to a small child to play with. He will split it.

You can't take elders' notebooks. But here the elders need to maintain order, especially in a large family. If he threw it in the wrong place school notebook, the kid found it and tore it, then the elder is to blame - he didn’t keep track of his thing.

Prepared by Oksana Golovko

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

Not long ago, there was a loud knock on the door of my apartment, and I hurried to open the door. Tamara stood on the threshold: “Listen, let’s go to my place, please. Pavel took Vera to the maternity hospital, and my Vasily stayed there with the boys. One. A man he is a man. And Anechka is cutting her teeth, and Akimka fell yesterday and got a bump on his forehead. Let's go, shall we? Spend the night with me? I called all “our people” (i.e., community members), asked for prayers, and also called the priest. Yes, I’m still so worried about something!..”

An hour later, we were sitting in Verochka’s cozy apartment, drinking tea with fresh pies (Verochka the busybody somehow managed to cook herself off in the morning, and then it was just time to give birth) and talking quietly, so as not to wake up the sleeping twins. The lamp glowed quietly home iconostasis, the sleeping children snored peacefully. And Tamara, after our joint prayer, was not so alarmed. God is merciful, He will help Verochka, and the Most Holy Theotokos Intercessor will intercede for her. Everything will be fine. You just need to be a little patient and wait. For all of us. And grandmothers, and grandfathers, and Pavel, and, of course, Verochka. Nothing, God will manage.

The conversation flowed like a small stream, unhurried and thorough. Tamara recalled her life, and I listened with interest. Such good people, kind, warm-hearted, everything is peaceful with them, and the children turned out to be good. How did they do this?

“Yes, I already told you, you probably remember,” Tamara looked somewhere into the distance, as if peering into her past, “my grandmother was one of the noblewomen.” One of those, you know, in those bonnets and plaids, a little prim, but very sensitive and kind. Believer. And our apartment was like a museum: antique paintings, books, porcelain, table silver (some of it was handed over to the needs of the front during the war), a chiming floor clock, candlesticks, napkins, linen tablecloths... The treatment is like this... Just like in the old days, almost “ sir” and “madam”.

And Grandma Lizaveta’s entire room was covered in icons—old ones, dark ones, and as a young girl I was a little afraid of them. And then my grandmother showed me how bright the faces are, what kind eyes the saints have, and told me about them. There was even a hint of warmth from the icons, and I stopped being afraid. Grandma was cunning. She told everyone that icons, the Bible, the Psalter, and the prayer book are “historical value,” and she herself, of course, prayed. She taught me. My sisters, brothers. Mom, somehow she’s not very fond of religion, but she didn’t particularly resist. Grandmother baptized us all, and I remember that we even went with her to distant lands to take communion somewhere. My Vasily and I got married, she had just died. Even before the wedding she blessed us with an icon. Vasya then grimaced so much, wrinkled his face so much, but it didn’t matter, he endured it. It’s a pity, my grandmother’s apartment was robbed, almost everything was taken away. And that icon, see it there? The Mother of God of Kazan, I blessed Vera and Pasha with her, so she alone survived, because in my house it was like a grandmother’s blessing.

Well, Vasya and I met, and I went to see my grandmother. So, yes, and so, I say. There's only one guy here, I don't know, I'm scared. And the grandmother says: “Don’t be afraid, baby, pray more often, God willing, and you’ll understand everything yourself.” I’ll pray too.” I was already in college, in my fourth year. She was such a quiet person... Well, of course, no one guessed that she believed in God. If I had to say something - in the sense of whether I believe in God, I would say: “I haven’t thought about that.” And really, why think about it? And so everything is clear. It’s clear to me, but to those who are interested, it’s theirs.

I can’t even imagine how grandma ran our household in such a way that all fasts were observed, unobtrusively, calmly. Father and mother did not resist; they were both of the old school, professors. My father, a doctor, said that he prayed when difficult cases happened. My mother, a teacher, also turned to God from time to time. They died, however, early. The damned war has knocked me down. They were taken out of Leningrad in the first winter and had time to starve. Kingdom of Heaven, both asked to have a funeral service for them when they die, and to bury them in a Christian manner.

They died one after another, died quietly, calmly. They were good. People loved them. In the house there were always either my father’s former patients or my mother’s students—everyone had a good time with us, I also had a constant rotation of my friends and girlfriends...

Vasya and I met, met, and got married. I have a good one, thank God. He doesn’t drink and hasn’t been drinking, calm, reasonable, golden hands, kind. They began to live. He was also baptized, but did not believe. Or rather, he definitely never thought about faith. But I didn’t start making trouble with him and proving that God exists and it’s a sin for those baptized not to believe in Him. I didn’t pray in front of him, so as not to embarrass her again. She fasted unnoticed. If he accidentally saw me being baptized, he would begin to make fun of me in a kind way: “You are my Christian, a martyr to a barbarian husband.” I'm silent. And I always liked vegetables more than meat. Then, you know, he worked as a senior foreman at a construction site, and they had a terrible accident there. A tower crane fell. My Vasya stood a meter from this place. And - what a miracle! A pit was dug nearby, it was raining, and water filled the pit to the very brim. It looked like a good swimming pool. And when the crane tilted, the crane operator was thrown out of the cab (and the boom was raised above a five-story building) - and straight into this pool. There wasn’t even a scratch on it, he was just scared. And after this incident my Vasily stuttered for a whole month. And then he says: “Well, mother, it seems that through your prayers we survived.” Then I asked him: “Make an ark for your grandmother’s icon.” I did it, and the kivot turned out so beautiful - like made of lace! I already hung the lamp myself.

They started talking to him. He seems to both believe and not believe. He doubts it. And I told him then, well, your mind doesn’t believe, it doubts, but your soul is a faster. She won’t accept meat from you, you know it. He thought and thought and agreed with me. Thank God, He heard my prayers for my husband. Little by little, Vasya learned to pray, and we went with him to receive communion. It became completely good.

Only we didn’t have children yet. We've lived for five years already. Both are healthy, everything should work out for us, but it doesn’t. I myself am a gynecologist, I didn’t even know what to think. And then Vasya invited me to go to his homeland, to the Urals, to his sister. We went and got married there in their village church. What year was it? Eightieth. And when we arrived home from vacation, I realized that I was pregnant. Vasily was so happy, he dreamed of a son. And Verochka was born. It was hard to be born. I was told later, three or four days after giving birth, that I would not be able to have any more children.

There was another woman in the room with me. She gave birth to a son and decided to leave him, to abandon the child. God will be her judge. The boy was so strong, healthy, and handsome. And the woman doesn’t seem to be bad, someone deceived her, she had nowhere to go, no one to go to, probably. And then I decided to take this boy and raise him as my own son: there would be no more children of my own. They quickly did the necessary paperwork (I myself worked in this hospital), and I came home with two children. My Vasily, as luck would have it, was on a business trip then. I returned home a week after we were discharged. And here are both son and daughter.

The whole day Vasily did not leave the crib with the babies, he was so happy - he caught them with every breath. And in the evening, when they began to bathe the children, I told him that the boy was a stranger. The husband became embarrassed; he now did not know how to treat someone else’s child. Then I told him: “There are no other people’s children, we are people. And our children are human children. This means that they are all ours. And all your confusion is from the mind. After all, if I had not told you that the boy was not ours, then you would have loved him as if he were your own. And if she said that the girl is not ours, then you would doubt your feelings for her. And you don’t listen to your mind, but to your soul and heart. You are so good and kind to me. Look, what a nice little boy, how could I allow him to go to an orphanage? And if you don’t want him, then let’s take him away before neither we nor he get used to it. Let him live in an orphanage.” How Vasya grabbed and pressed the boy to himself! “I won’t give it back,” he says, “nothing else!” This is my son! Heir!" This is how Tikhon was “born” among us.

And we have never regretted it. Such children grew up well - God grant everyone such obedient children.

Tisha is serving now, he wants to stay in the army, his fiancée, such a calm girl, comes to us often, talks about Tikhon’s letters, so we all wait for him together. They met at the parish, began dating, and then came the army. Ksenia is studying, already in her third year, and will be a philologist, God willing. Tisha often writes letters and never forgets. He regrets that he didn’t take care of his nephews. And when Verochka was told that she would have twins again, she decided: if there were boys, she would name one Tikhon in honor of her brother. And Pasha doesn’t mind. And if they are girls, then one will be named Elizaveta, like her great-grandmother, because Pasha’s great-grandmother is also Elizaveta. That’s how we lived to see our grandchildren with my Vasya.

How did you live? Yes, in different ways. When it was hard, when it was easier. God did not abandon us with His mercy. I always told my children that God loves us, even if we have difficulties, that’s why they seem so small and insignificant, because we are Orthodox, God is with us, the Holy Cross is with us, and we ourselves have and love each other each other. And thank God.

PRESCHOOL GIRLS

So the four of us began to live. It must be said that all our relatives took Tikhon’s appearance in our family quite calmly, as a matter of course. Vasya’s father had already died, and his mother came to us to help with the children. My mother and father then began to get sick, but they also tried to ease our troubles to the best of their ability. On family council we decided that until the children “go up”, I will not return to work. Both husband and mother-in-law unanimously declared that they did not want their children to go to kindergarten. I myself, as a doctor, knew: while the children in the kindergarten get used to each other, everyone will get sick, and it is very difficult for the child’s psyche to get used to such a drastic change in the environment. Conflicts and breakdowns begin.

My husband got a dacha plot outside the city from the company, brought a construction trailer there, dug a well, built “conveniences,” and since then, every summer the children and I spent in nature, on our vegetables, fruits, berries, in the sun, by the lake. The children grew up strong and healthy, all summer they ran barefoot on the grass and sand, swam in the lake, sunbathed, and drank goat's milk. At the same time, my mother-in-law and I taught them to work. My husband made them shovels, rakes, watering cans - all the gardening tools. Tikhon made a small saw, bought a hammer, and constantly took it to help with something “like a man.” Vasily worked all week in the city and lived in our city apartment, and came to us on weekends. How the boys were waiting for him! On Sundays we went to a nearby village for mass in the local church... Those were such rosy and joyful years!

Soon Vasya and I decided to join a housing cooperative so that there would be housing for the children when they grow up. It was difficult, of course. Only one husband worked. But my mother-in-law and I made good provisions for the winter from our plot, and the family ate quite tolerably and did not go hungry. Yes, I got ahead of myself.

When the boys were very tiny, we baptized them. Vasily built a small iconostasis in a child’s crib, somehow screwing and hanging the icons so that the images were always before the children’s eyes. This was probably the first time, after my husband’s, my mother-in-law’s and my faces, that my son and daughter could see. And here’s what’s surprising: the children hardly cried at night, and when they weren’t sleeping, they looked at the icons for a long time. They grew up so quietly and imperceptibly that I didn’t even have time to come to my senses, and they already had teeth, were already walking, already dancing and singing. My Vasya is such a craftsman! We didn’t have a lot of money, so he himself made a double stroller out of two old single-seat strollers and covered it with something very elegant and beautiful. When we were walking, everyone asked us whether this stroller was Finnish or Polish, and they were very surprised to hear that the stroller was “domestic made.”

My mother-in-law and I turned all our old clothes into clothes for children, from shirts and dresses to jackets and coats. They knitted hats, socks, sweaters and pants. They did not hesitate to accept as gifts from friends those children's things from which their children grew up. Well, there were enough toys. So it’s a sin to complain, thank God - He didn’t forget about us.

I want to say that with two children it is probably easier than with one. They grew up and began to play with each other, and my mother-in-law and I could film everyday life, taking turns looking after the kids. Vasily’s mother is a restless person. Seeing that my husband and I believed in God (which did not contradict her nature and beliefs), somehow through friends I found a temple that had never been closed. This church was very close to our home, and at that difficult time (the last surge of persecution of the Russian Church), with God’s help we were able to attend services and give communion to children. We arrived at the beginning of the service and stayed in the church for a long time, since my Vasily would certainly find something in the church that required his intervention: either the stove was not heating well, or the porch was lopsided, or the roof was leaking somewhere. Until he figures it out and fixes the problem, we won’t go home.

And I must say that the children behaved calmly in church, did not cry or scream. Even when they grew up, the church still seemed to fascinate them. They stand there - not moving, not even blinking, looking with all their eyes at the royal doors. If they get tired of standing, they will simply sit right at our feet on the floor.

But now they have already started walking. Vasya took care of both children with pleasure, and the children loved him madly. But it is understandable that soon the “men” rallied into their group, and we women were left with pleasant communication with each other. This was not a confrontation by any means. Vasya just started teaching Tikhon, taking him with him to the stadium, fishing, or fixing his motorcycle. Then they’ll start making something useful for the house: river stools, refinishing the sofa, painting flower pots, but there’s always a lot of work around the house. Of course, Tikhon was more of a hindrance than a help, but his father never got annoyed with him, and you know, he praised him. And we, like women, are busy at home, fiddling around, waiting for men to come home from work. We have all sorts of conversations, and Verochka is definitely with us. They were affectionate with Tisha, simple-minded. They loved fairy tales, asked them to sing songs and read books. They sit and listen, hiding like sparrows.

By the age of five, Verochka could wipe the dust, wash unbreakable dishes (of course, she had to wash them sometimes), put the plates on the table, lay out the spoons, and so she conscientiously tried to do everything. He sweeps the crumbs off the table so neatly, into the palm of his hand. She helped with the washing, rinsed small things - hers and Tishina’s handkerchiefs and socks.

Watered the flowers. She “sewed” her dolls (she cuts holes in the flap - and the robe is ready), and I helped her. I never removed a girl from work, even if the work was difficult or difficult. I found something simpler for her that she was able to do. And Vera always expected that she and I would do something useful.

Verochka grew up, she and I were like the closest friends. Did we talk to her about God? Of course, they talked, and talked constantly. I sang psalms to her, and Vera really liked the 33rd Psalm and “On the Rivers of Babylon,” she sang along with me. I told my daughter that God is our Father, our parent, and even more than just a parent, because parents themselves do not create their children. And the Lord, He Himself sculpted Adam and Eve with His most pure fingers. Here's how.

I remember once my daughter asked me: “Why is there only one God at home, and another God in the church?” I found out that she meant icons. The icons are different, with different letters. Then I put a vase on the table and asked him and Tisha to draw it. And then they compared them together: the brush strokes in the drawings turned out different. So are icons. The Lord is one and the same, but He appears differently to everyone, depending on how they are able to perceive Him.

Verochka was a very sensitive girl. When we read the Bible or the Gospel, she could cry over the death of Abel, over how Abraham carried Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him. And there is no need to talk about the torment of the Savior on the Cross. I was sincerely happy when the events from Holy Scripture talked about a happy ending. I always tried to calm her tears, saying that the Lord loves a person so much that he would never do anything bad to him, everything would certainly be resolved successfully.

If my daughter and I did any housework, then my mother-in-law and I sometimes did not forget to say that certain of our actions resembled what the biblical or evangelical women did. We prepare food, as Rebekah prepared food for Jacob, and we sweep, like the same woman who is looking for the lost coin. And they always found some kind of “drachma”: either a beautiful button that had rolled under the sofa, or a toy behind the closet, or something else. The girl (like her brother) was accustomed to the fact that any and every action of hers can and should be correlated with God, with the Holy Scriptures.

Verochka and I have always been together. I was very afraid that we would spoil Vera, she is the only one we have (our own), long-awaited. And I was afraid for Tikhon, so as not to spoil him. So they tried to raise her (and Tisha too) smoothly, without unreasonable changes, so that there wouldn’t be: all the gingerbread, gingerbread, and then suddenly a whip, just because I’m tired or my father has a headache. They weren’t punished or scolded, and we ourselves never swore or shouted at each other. Instead of punishments and curses, they tried to explain to children that this or that action was undesirable for one reason or another, that it was a sin. They said that unseemly deeds and disobedience, neglect of neighbors and self-will are sinful deeds.

And the guys got used to the fact that it’s customary for us to take care of each other, they got used to the fact that everyone in the family is closely interconnected. And one of the main responsibilities of family people is to help their neighbor not to sin, and not to seduce their loved one in any way. We often allow ourselves to be indifferent towards children or parents. And this often seduces a loved one. “For example, I won’t cook dinner, I’ll want to finish reading an interesting book. And dad will come home from work hungry and be angry with me - that’s a sin. Or you and Tisha will run away, get wild, make noise, get spoiled, and it will be difficult for you to obey me, dad or grandma. We, in turn, will become irritated with you - that’s sin again. Of course, I really want to run and play, but any fun should have a reasonable limit: so that it’s interesting for you, and it’s not too expensive for us.” And the children, seeing our care for each other, tried to do the same.

Father will come home from work, barely standing on his feet from fatigue, and here Tikhon is already with a small bench for his father to sit down and take off his shoes. Vasily washes his face, and Verochka stands and holds a towel at the ready. While we are preparing the table, Vasya will lie down to rest, and the guys will sit down next to him and stroke his hair, stroke him... They regret it. And they take care of each other: Verochka will always make sure that all Tisha’s buttons are sewn and fastened, that his handkerchief is always with him, as if she were the eldest. And Tikhon made sure that their shoes were in order and that friends would not offend Verochka.

It must be said that Verochka grew up as a very sociable girl. On walks, when the time came, she became friends with many girls, and soon the visits began. Her friends came to us, and she herself often went to visit them at home. The visits were not always successful. Sometimes he will come, sit down, and frown. I'm starting to figure out what's going on. And it turns out that the mothers of girlfriends buy their daughters a lot of sweets, dolls, let them paint their nails and put on high-heeled shoes.

We also had treats at home, but in reasonable quantities, and mostly homemade, I even learned to make candy myself. There were also toys, and also enough. I didn’t paint my nails, I didn’t wear high heels. We talked for a long time with our daughter. I explained to her that everything needs a reasonable limit. Are store-bought chocolates tastier than our homemade toffees and toffees? So what if the wrappers on store-bought sweets are bright, because the main thing is not the form, but the content. Why would a little girl paint her nails and wear heels? Why does a person need so many unnecessary things? After all, he will not be able to sit on two chairs at the same time, eat with two spoons at once, put on two dresses, or play with two dolls.

By that time, the children knew what sin was, and they knew that to sin is to harm yourself and upset God. They also knew that the Lord loves us very much and is merciful to us immeasurably. Here only our dad works, and we don’t need anything, none of us is seriously ill, we have a roof over our heads, bread on the table and pies in the oven. And our holidays are pure, church holidays, and our everyday life is joyful. Every morning brings us joy because we woke up alive and healthy, we have everything, in peace and harmony, and for this we need to thank God. The Lord gave us love for each other, and we must try to preserve this. We have the most important and most necessary things: God and love. And to complain that someone lives richer than us and therefore seems to be better is sinful. Happiness does not lie in wealth. The happiness of living with God and in God is much more important than rags, dolls and candy.

Sometimes Verochka came home in tears because one of the girls told her, they say, our place is uninteresting and boring. Our books are old, we don’t turn on the TV (and back then there wasn’t much to watch), we don’t have a tape recorder, we don’t have a VCR. Mom and Dad are “unfashionable.” I consoled her as best I could. It showed how interesting we really live, how much we know and can do: how many books we have in our house (the boys and I “published some of the books ourselves”), what beautiful things we knit. What kind of filmstrips we watch (at that time children were still interested in filmstrips, today all this has been supplanted by the TV or VCR) - a whole cinema at home, a whole action: arrange the chairs, pull up the screen, select the filmstrip, distribute who reads the text and who turns the handle. What a puppet show we have, what performances we put on! We sew dolls with our own hands and invent fairy tales.

And what a wonderful garden we have and what wonderful flowers Verochka grows there, and what juicy and large radishes she grows! Are we really bored?! What nonsense. And the fact that dad and I are not painted and dressed up, so what of it? Does this make dad and I worse, do we love our children less? Do clothes make a person? And why are our dresses any worse than the dresses of Verochka’s friends’ mothers? Look: what my grandmother and I sew is not sold in any store, there is no other dress like it. So it’s not yet clear who is actually “more fashionable.” The daughter quickly consoled herself. However, I was reluctant to be friends with those girls who were bored with us.

My daughter asked me why in the families of her friends there are no icons, almost no one prays or fasts. What could I answer? She said that everything is God’s will. This means that the time has not come for these people to believe; they are not ready to accept the Lord. Well, it doesn’t matter, the Lord will still reach their hearts, and they will certainly let Him into their souls. Such people cannot be condemned, just like others. She advised Verochka that if she was so concerned about her friends’ unbelief, let her pray for their admonition, but do not force her friends to believe, and do not argue about their unbelief, do not exalt themselves with their faith. Yes, it is impossible for a child of five or six years old to maintain attention on anything specific for a long time. But Verochka is not alone - she has me, her dad, her grandmother. When I, my husband, or my grandmother came to the children before bed, we always prayed short prayers with the children, in which we certainly asked: “Forgive us, Lord! And save us. And have mercy on dad, mom, and grandma Dusya. And Nastya, and Ira, and Deniska and Katyushka, and their dads and moms.” It was so amusing to watch how the guys diligently crossed themselves and very seriously repeated their “litany” every evening. And in the morning the “litany” was repeated in a different version: “Hello, God, good morning to You! Thank you, we slept well. God, help us get through the day, don’t sin today, obey everything. Save dad and mom. And Nastya, and Ira, and Deniska and Katyushka, and their dads and moms. And give them understanding, O Lord! And please forgive us!”

It was more difficult to teach children not to be tempted by other people's things. No, they didn't steal. But sometimes they couldn’t resist and exchanged their toys with children from wealthier families. But we also coped with this temptation. It also happened that our children, for no apparent reason, began to be jealous of each other. Then the mother-in-law intervened. She brought the guys together, took each one by the hand and said: “How many fingers do you have!” As many as ten of each! Let's inject one that you don't mind. There are so many of them.” The boys pulled their hands away in fear. And the grandmother explained that for parents, every child is like a finger on their hand. I feel sorry for any of them. The kids quieted down.

When Vera and Tikhon asked us where children lie, Vasily and I said that God sends children to people. And then the mother gives birth to a child, or even two, and sometimes more. The father is also necessary and important for this process; without him it is impossible to give birth to children. Vasya and I told our kids that the Lord blessed us with children only when dad and I got married. We did not focus the children's attention on the floor area. The realization that they are different passed calmly and naturally. And neither Vera nor Tikhon had the desire to be curious about each other’s anatomical differences. Both Vera and Tisha knew that she was a girl and he was a boy. They are designed differently. Verochka is like mom, and Tikhon is like dad. Brother and sister knew that over time they would become parents themselves, which is why they are different from each other.

One day there was a fight in the yard between Tisha and the boy from the next door. It was summer, and our guys walked around in summer suits: short shirts and shorts. And so the young hooligan decided to laugh at Vera, he ran up and pulled off her shorts along with her panties. The girl burst into tears loudly. Tikhon immediately abandoned his game and stood up for his sister. He was a big boy, and, of course, the offender got into trouble thoroughly.

In the evening, “guests” came to us. The parents of the little boy came to us to sort things out. They called our Tishenka to account. He did not deny that he had gotten into a fight, but he did not regret it at all and did not want to apologize in any way. He also did not talk about the reasons for the fight. Vera was also silent, she was ashamed that she had been subjected to such abuse of herself. And when we began to insist on an apology, Tikhon replied that let Ruslan take off his sister Natasha’s panties, and not dare to approach Verochka. We stopped insisting on an apology, and the parents of the “injured” party were forced to retreat in shame.

Vasily and I often talked with our children when they came and asked us why we need ears, eyes, why people grow hair on their heads, etc. I, as a doctor, explained to them the purpose of certain organs. She told me that God created man this way, and that everything in man is necessary and useful. God gives people a healthy body, and it must be taken care of. She told the children that they were baptized, believers, and therefore the Lord expects that their children will come into the world strong and healthy and will be able to work for the glory of God. Therefore, you need to try and protect your health: do not bite your nails, wash your hands, ears, neck, brush your teeth. Don’t indulge in bad habits: you can’t smoke or drink wine, you can’t touch pills without asking, you can’t take bottles from the refrigerator and cabinets without asking and try their contents - this can be harmful to your health. It is unwise to play with fire, and there is too much to list. But the children listened to us and always came running and asked what they could and couldn’t do, and tried to follow our advice.

I told the guys that, unfortunately, not all the people around us are healthy. But these are the consequences of the Fall. She said that the Lord allows bodily illnesses in order to save the human soul. After all, with a sick body, a person has no time for entertainment and relaxation. When a person becomes seriously ill, he is forced to limit his passions, forced to think about why it happened that he no longer has health. And if an accident occurs and a person loses his health through no fault of his own, then God’s mercy should be seen here too. After all, who knows, if this disaster had not happened, something so terrible would have happened that the person could have died forever. My father and I taught our children patience. They talked about demons, about their intrigues, about the temptations that the devil sends to a person, trying to destroy him. That is why it is so important to learn to endure and not complain. And then, seeing your long-suffering, the demon will retreat, and the Lord will hasten to your aid.

My parents died around this time. Verochka and Tikhon loved them very much, so the first contact with death was painful for the guys. For a long time, the children could not understand that grandparents would never rise from their graves again, would not come to visit us, would not hug and caress their beloved grandchildren. The guys cried and didn’t want to come to terms with it. Then Vasily and I explained to the children that God arranged everything wisely and lovingly. When Adam and Eve did not keep God's commandments in paradise, they should have died. But the Lord took pity on man and, out of His love for mankind, did not allow people to perish. Since then, the body of all people dies, but the soul is alive, and always remains alive (with the exception of when it subjugates its soul to mortal sins).

And in fact, there is no death, our Lord Jesus Christ defeated death by His Death on the Cross and His Resurrection. So the grandparents did not die - their souls simply flew away from the body and ascended to the heavenly abodes. Now they look at us from heaven and rejoice that we pray for them. Yes, and grandparents themselves can pray to the holy saints for us. Analogies were given with the death and Resurrection of the Savior. The children realized that they, too, were mortal, and they, of course, were a little scared. But we talked with them about soul and body for a long time, were patient and in the end managed to calm the kids down.

So we made it to school. By the age of seven, my children could read, count, draw well, were sensible and knew a lot of words, and spoke competently. And most importantly, they perceived the beginning of their teaching as the beginning of a new obedience. They were focused and serious. And of course, they were desperate cowards, but they were brave.

By that time, our trips to church had become different. The children still loved going to church. But now Vera began to help the grandmothers and mothers look after the candlesticks, and Tikhon and Vasily carried out minor repair work, if any. The children looked forward to every service, and our parishioners fell in love with the children. And soon they had to start confessing. My father and I prepared the children for a new step in their spiritual life.

The father talked to Tikhon, and I talked to the daughter; however, everything depended on the situation. I explained to the girl what? for her, as for a future woman, it can be sinful and what you should pay attention to: you cannot devote too much time to physical beauty, it is bad and sinful to strive to win the attention of boys.

It is unacceptable to be carried away by cosmetics, to be rude, and indifferent to the weaknesses of other people.

Before each confession, the girl began to come to me and ask for advice: what she did wrong, when she allowed herself to sin, whether this or that thought was harmless. At first I was even wary of such seriousness, because she was still just a child, whether she would grow up to be a fanatic, irreconcilable, merciless, ignorant of brotherly Christian love.

But Verochka had already encountered the “external environment”, with courtyard customs and “unspoken street” orders, and wondered: why does it happen that some girls live cheerfully, carefree, they are not burdened with anything at home, but they are constantly bored? And this boredom forces you to do unsightly things, because risk, prohibition and even disobedience bring variety and excite the blood. Girls are rude, gossip, constantly weave intrigues, create groups, and these groups are at enmity with each other. My girl didn't want to communicate at that level. She had two or three good friends, who, although they were non-believers, did not like courtyard intrigues either.

Interestingly, none of the boys offended Vera and her friends, and not because Tikhon kept a vigilant eye on the offenders, preventing fights. The yard groups respected these girls, they were a kind of taboo for other children: these girls are non-conflict, decent, harmless, they do not offend or humiliate anyone, touching or offending them is even somehow blasphemous or something.

Some funny incidents from the lives of our guys are associated with the beginning of confession. One day Vera was upset about something on Saturday evening. When I tried to find out the cause of the disorder, my daughter admitted: she was afraid of confession, because the priest might scold her. I hastened to console the girl and said that the priest, on the contrary, would praise Vera. The girl was amazed: “Will she praise you for your sins?” I laughed: “Not for sins, silly, but for sincere repentance.” But she immediately warned her daughter: in pursuit of her father’s praise, she should not rush into sin in order to repent later. And in general, you don’t need to wait for anyone’s praise, you need to try not to sin not for praise, but for the sake of God, honoring His love for us, His terrible death for us. One must not sin for the sake of love for God, so as not to be ashamed before Him.

What was Verochka like then? Yes, like all girls of her age: she loved to play pranks, and laugh, and how she danced! But on top of everything else, she was, as Vasya used to say, “economic and homely.” She loved to help me and my grandmother, took on any work with pleasure and never argued with me if I asked her for something. You could safely trust her with money if she went to the store. And there was no need to be afraid that she would spend money to buy ice cream or other treats. Verochka took care of her grandmother if she suddenly fell ill. The only thing we protected my grandmother from was many hours of reading aloud, which was tiring for a sick person. Vera collected a pile of books, newspapers, magazines, and did her best to “entertain” the old woman, who was afraid to cool her granddaughter’s ardor and did not stop her even when listening to the reading became unbearable. I had to watch this closely.

Brother and sister grew up as spontaneous children, loved to play, constantly inventing something, building “headquarters” and huts.

My Vasily himself, like a child, fussed with them all the time, and he will get even more dirty than they are. The whole family went to the cinema to watch good films, and in winter we went sledding down the hills. Then they enrolled Vera in a music school in violin class. And Tikhon began to go to the swimming pool. Of course, both Vasya and I were tired, he was at work, I was at home, but we could not leave the children without our attention and without our participation. There was no such thing as letting them out into the yard - and thank God, I sighed calmly. No, we’ll first do something in the house together that’s supposed to be done (it’s faster together), and then we’ll go for a walk or start games at home. But the main thing was not work, but communication. There's so much you can't talk about when you're busy doing something together! And most importantly, the children did not refuse to work. And they did not try to escape and hide from our attention.

And so their first “First of September” came. For the first time, schoolchildren were allowed to wear loose, non-uniform clothing. My mother-in-law and I sewed the boys: we sewed Tikhon some beautiful trousers, jeans, and a jacket with appliqués. And for Verochka they also made modest, but also beautiful sundresses, skirts, blouses, and a jacket. They imposed blouses and hats. They went to school so dressed up! Verochka is wearing a suit with a fluffy long skirt, and Tikhon, like a London dandy, is in a three-piece suit. They walked and held hands; in each pencil case, in a separate pocket, there was an icon “Increasing the Mind” hidden. We blessed the children with the icon of Baba Lisa, read “To the King of Heaven,” and they stepped into a new life for them. And together with them, we, their parents, stepped into this new life.

SCHOOLGIRL

Of course, before school, we adults were no less worried than our children. It’s not for nothing that they say: “Small children don’t let you sleep, big kids don’t let you sleep on your own.” Tisha and I had them at home. Yes, we made friends with many guys, but the main things were home and family. And here - a whole day with twenty or thirty different unfamiliar children from different families. And it was such a time, you remember, restless, stupid... Such confusion in the country! There is nothing, all former ideas, ideals, idols have been trampled upon, people have gone mad. We’re okay, it was easier for us, the Lord didn’t leave us. And how the others had to... God forbid! And this is where our children had to deal with everything. How Vasily and I were worried!

The school our children went to resembled a torn up beehive in its internal mood. This “wind of change” alarmed the high school students, and they are the ones who set the general tone among the students. “Informals” appeared, some “punks”, “metalheads”, our guys came home as if from a zoo: “Mom! Dad! We saw this today!”

Nevertheless, in elementary school everything went more or less smoothly, because we were still small. We studied conscientiously and tried hard. They asked my father and me: “Should we say that we are Christians?” But then the time came for their confession to begin, and my father and I advised the children to ask the priest for advice. Our father said that Christianity is not a banner that needs to be carried as a slogan at a demonstration. There is no need to shout about this at every corner. You just need to live according to the commandments and try not to sin. And if anyone asks, then don’t lie and don’t hide regardless of their faces, but answer directly: “Yes, we are believing Orthodox Christians.”

And now their first test came. In fifth grade, children reached “pioneer” age. They studied well, and they were supposed to be accepted as pioneers on Red Square, in front of the Mausoleum. We somehow managed to “get out” and did not enter into the “Octobers.” But no one remembered this, and the children were purely formally assigned to some kind of “October stars”. They stayed at the meetings, but if they were assigned to do something “in the October way,” the guys would certainly ask my father and me for advice on what to do. And Vasily and I decided: if the deed is good, then let them do it not for the sake of October, but for the sake of Christ, with prayer, for the glory of God.

My boys were solemnly informed that on such and such a day they would be accepted as pioneers - they were given “such an honor.” The children were confused. There were a lot of “honoured” guys, and, of course, our guys would not be able to go into open confrontation. They knew that pioneering and the Komsomol were atheism, and did not want to become apostates. Tikhon and Verochka came home upset and embarrassed.

However, God’s mercy is truly limitless! While we were at home deciding what to do with the “pioneerism” that had fallen on our heads, my father returned from work. He said that he was offered a last-minute ticket to a children's sanatorium, but for some reason he doubted whether to take it or not, because our children were practically healthy. He doubted that perhaps there were children who really needed sanatorium treatment, but nevertheless asked the trade union committee to hold the voucher “just in case” if there were no volunteers. He wanted to consult with me and the children. And this is exactly what “pioneering” is all about. So the trip came in handy. And we, without hesitation, went on a voucher to the sanatorium. It was ninety-first, a memorable year. Thus, God allowed us to get rid of “pioneering” once and for all.

In elementary school, our children were “helped” to discover that they were not siblings. Vasily and I did not make much of a secret about this, but we also did not advertise the extent of our actual relationship with Tikhon. My husband and I decided in advance that the Lord would help and we would be able to find words so that the boy would not become angry and disappointed. The Lord helped.

One day Tikhon came home from school before Vera in order to “seriously talk” with us. He asked directly: “Are you not my real mother and father?” – there was anxiety in the boy’s eyes. Vasily answered the question with a question: “What do you think?” Tikhon replied that he considered himself our own son, but Kirill said that he was adopted. And then I entered the men’s conversation: “Tishenka, I fed you with my milk from the first day of your birth, dad and I bathed and swaddled you, taught you to walk and talk, and you were always proud that God gave you caring and loving parents . So what's the deal?" The boy thought about something for a long time, and then said: “Indeed, there is some kind of temptation. You are my mother, you fed me and saved me from loneliness, you gave me love and affection. You are my dad, you rocked me in your arms and taught me to endure pain, taught me to be a man. I am your own foundling, God sent you to me. And I love you so much! Even stronger than before.” Then we all cried with happiness together... Verochka also found out that she and Tikhon were not related. But she took it so indifferently: “Who said? Kirill? What a fool, is Tisha not your own? My dearest and most beloved elder brother (Tikhon was actually two hours older than Vera).” And so the genealogical research ended.

But “pioneering”, talking about kinship, is an external difficulty. My children and I faced difficulties of a different nature: passion for worldly pleasures. My husband and I did not prepare our children to become monks (but taught them proper humility), did not keep them under a tight rein, but our children tried to adhere to Christian principles in everyday life and behavior: they did not call their friends names, did not tease, did not invent nicknames, conflicted, did not lie. Vasily suggested that the children follow the “golden rule”: do not rush to get irritated, wait a little. Even if you really want to respond with causticity to causticity, with an offensive word for an offensive word, it is better to wait a little and remain silent, mentally making the sign of the cross. And then see if there is still evil left in the soul. If irritation does not subside, then continue to mentally cross yourself. The Lord will certainly come to the rescue. The “Golden Rule” helped the children a lot. School teachers have always been surprised at how, amid the general growing aggression and permissiveness, Tikhon and Verochka retain their inner dignity? The Lord helped.

“Tamara, you talk about everything so simply,” I carefully interrupted my friend’s memories, “as if there weren’t any special difficulties.” In general, of course, it wasn’t. Your children did not become hooligans and robbers, but life is all about little things. And a bunch of little things can change your whole life. These little things are so imperceptible, so small, but so insidious... What did you, as a mother, as a believing mother, have to prevent, what were you able to avoid, how did you manage to cope?

– God helped, the Church, our father, the community. Everything around us, in our lives, began to change so quickly. After all, already in ninety-two – ninety-three, at the very “peak” of my daughter’s growth, the Church moved to a legal position. The Orthodox faith helped. And the difficulties... Well, for example, these are: Barbie, hobbies, passion for fashionable singers and popular music, diets, outfits, cosmetics, following generally accepted hobbies, looseness, alcohol, slang, smoking and, of course, the rampant age-related falling in love. If you want, let's do it in order.

BARBIE

Verochka, of course, like every girl, had dolls. These were the usual dolls for that time, plastic Katya, Natasha and Dasha. Their father made furniture for them, there was even an armchair and sofas, a wardrobe with hangers for dresses. There were doll dishes, a variety of cups and spoons, frying pans and pots, cutlery and tea sets. And it must be said that Verochka always played with her dolls with great enthusiasm. She could spend hours washing, swaddling, dressing, and “feeding” them. My daughter and I sewed doll outfits; my grandmother and I always knitted clothes for Verochka’s dolls from leftover yarn. Numerous boxes were filled with doll “rags”. Things were constantly washed by Verochka, ironed, and some dishes were brought closer to real size, and I did not forbid Verochka to cook real soup and fry real scrambled eggs for a doll’s dinner. He and Tikhon always ate this lunch with great appetite. Vera played with dolls for a long time, and her dear friends also played with dolls for a long time.

The most popular games were played in puppet games real life: here Nyura was “born” (who has been “living” for a long time in a doll family, and was not just bought) Vera is caring for her newborn daughter and constantly comes to me for advice: how to swaddle a child, now she is “crying” - what can she do? It depends on how many times you feed. Nyura “grew” not by days, but by hours, by minutes. By the end of the hour of play, Nyura had already been admonished before school, talked about her unfaithful friends, explained why it was wrong for a girl to be dirty, why it was wrong for a girl to be rude, and how sinful it was not to listen to her elders.

But Barbie came to us from abroad. And one day Vera very carefully asked to buy her this same Barbie for her next birthday. My father and I were faced with a difficult task. It would seem such a trifle, a girl’s doll, one of many, what’s there to think about? However, Vasily and I were repulsed by something about this imported beauty, and it wasn’t even about the money. And one evening, after Verochka’s request, after putting the children to bed, Vasya and I were talking in our room. Gradually, he and I figured out why we didn’t want our girl to play with Barbie.

Here is our girl tinkering with her Mashas and Klashes. She is their “mother”, they are her “children”. Verochka identifies herself with her mother and tries to behave like mothers, caring, caring, and raising. She learns to live, learns to be a housewife, a mother, and when Tikhon was included in the game and Verochka assigned him the role of a father, then she also played a wife. In the good sense of the word: attentive, sensitive - in a word, our real home relationships were reproduced in this game. Even if modern psychologists say that sexless “Soviet” dolls completely killed the future woman in a girl, this is not so! Chastity has never harmed anyone, Vasily and I, as believers, knew this. Our sexless Masha and Dasha were good chaste toys, which cannot be said about Barbie.

It wasn't out of sanctimonious reasons that my husband and I didn't want to buy Barbie. Our Verochka knew that she would grow up, change, become like her sixteen-year-old cousin Evgenia, she would have everything exactly the same as me and like any other adult woman. But now... Who will our girl Barbie identify with? With your daughter? But Barbie is such an “adult” doll, everything about her is like that of her aunts. She is not described in children's ideas about possible maternal feelings for her. She herself “may” be a “mother” for our Verochka. Most likely, Barbie will not become Vera’s “daughter” - it will be Vera who will try to become Barbie. The game will take on a completely different character.

Can you swaddle Barbie? Will you take me to play in the sandbox? No, of course not. Vera will take Barbie to dances and balls, Barbie will go to restaurants and cafes, look for adult relationships, and flirt. And the worst thing is that a certain and not at all blissful shift will occur in Verochka’s consciousness: a woman will cease to be a wife and mother and will become a hunter of men, for their attention, spending her time idly and thoughtlessly. Yes, sometimes girls like to play at all sorts of “princesses” and “queens”, dress up in ball gowns, and wait for princes. But they understand perfectly well that this is a fairy tale, a dream, a dream; in real life there are no good fairies and sorceresses. Such games of “Cinderella” and “Snow White” are a kind of relaxation, a pleasant variety in children’s everyday life, a break from “home”, “shop”, “hospital”. And such seemingly adult games, it seems to me, are not dangerous. Barbie is another matter.

The child's psyche is so plastic! It will only take about five or less years, and our girl will cry with burning tears because her face and figure do not correspond to Barbin’s. “Beauty” Barbie will become ingrained in the girl’s consciousness, and she, willingly or unwillingly, will strive to be like this doll. Barbie is indeed a very adult toy. However, how can we justify to our daughter our refusal to buy her a fashionable and popular toy all over the world?

And so Verochka once again asked my father and me with hope whether she should expect a new doll for her birthday. Her eyes sparkled, her breathing was interrupted - how she wanted to have Barbie, how she managed to dream about the doll!

And then I took my daughter to the doll corner, we sat down, took a doll each and, dressing them up for the next “walk,” we slowly talked. I praised the girl for the fact that all her “children” were clean and well-groomed, and I was glad at how well my daughter knew how to “keep house.” She told her daughter that her dolls really look like children: small, helpless, stupid. She asked if it was difficult for Verochka to cope with her “babies”.

The daughter quickly joined the game and answered: “What are you talking about, mom! They are so obedient, understanding, I don’t have any trouble with them! Here is Taisiya, for example...” And a long, animated story began about the “tricks” of the dolls. I listened carefully to my daughter’s chirping, from time to time clarifying something or being surprised by something. And then she asked: “You see how different your children’s characters are. What do you think Barbie will be like?” The daughter fell silent and thought. Time passed, the pause dragged on, but there was still no answer. In the end, Verochka answered somewhat upset and confused that she didn’t know what Barbie would be like.

I, of course, took advantage of my daughter’s confusion. I told her that Barbie is so old that all doll games are not for her. “School”, “shop” will not suit Barbie, and the girl’s favorite game of “house” is also not very suitable for Barbie. She is different. Barbie is not a child. She will need other games. For example, “to a disco”, “to a restaurant” or something similar. Barbie is, of course, suitable for playing “Cinderella” or “Snow White”. But this game will be like a fairy tale within a fairy tale. Barbie is so content, happy and carefree that it is very difficult to imagine her with rags, a mop, at the stove, like the fairy-tale orphan Cinderella or the busy Snow White Barbie is not even like a mother, because she is a lazy person.

“And then, look,” I suggested to my daughter, “after all, Barbie will be embarrassed to undress and change clothes. She is without clothes - like a naked woman, everything about her is like a living woman. What if Tikhon sees? You are already big and you must understand that some things are ungodly. Imagine that Tikhon had, say, a male doll, some kind of soldier, and he, this toy, would have the same “details” as a real boy or man. Do you think this is normal?” Verochka lowered her eyes and shook her head negatively. “You see, it turns out there are toys that are not entirely useful. No one sells children toy guns with real bullets or sharpened sabers, because they can cause harm to health or even life itself. But this is a physical illness. What about the soul? The soul is more important. And the seemingly harmless beauty Barbie is a harmful toy. She teaches the girl to be just like herself; shameless, shameless, lazy.

Yes, there is nothing shameful about the human body. But this does not mean that it is good to walk without clothes. After all, out of our brotherly love, we should not act in such a way that our brother stumbles, so that our loved one is offended because of us. And that’s why we cover our nakedness, because not everyone is able to perceive the human body in purity of thoughts. But Barbie, on the contrary, for some reason undresses and appears in her natural, undisguised form. Is this good?

You know, once in a store I accidentally heard two mothers complaining that their sons were secretly looking at their sisters’ Barbies, giggling, began to spy on their sisters, and treated them with vulgar interest. Previously, they treated their sisters as children treated children, but now they treated their sisters like men treated women. These little children suddenly discovered in themselves and in their sisters that they were different. And this difference is shameful in their minds, dirty, sinful.

And, besides, playing “Barbie” violates God’s command for a woman to be a helper to her husband, to remain chaste, to take care of her neighbors, children, parents, and her husband. After all, the beauty of even a toy Barbie is a troublesome and difficult task. To look like this, you need to forget about everything and focus only on yourself, your appearance. What about your loved ones? Let them live as they want, it’s their problem – so what? Do you still want this doll?

Besides, remember, we once already said that there are such pictures and photographs of women (and men) that it is sinful to look at and produce, since they arouse sinful thoughts? But Barbie is essentially a sinful statue. And you will have to say in confession every time that you looked at a thing that prompted sinful thoughts and touched it.”

I can’t say that Vera gave up her thoughts about Barbie instantly and without regret. This is understandable, because almost all the girls in the yard have already begged their dads and moms to buy them Barbies and only bothered with them. But my relatives and I pooled together to buy Vera a large baby doll made of soft plastic; he was almost like a real baby. And it must be said that the new Danilka forever supplanted Barbie and even became the object of the burning envy of Barbie’s courtyard owners.

Our father fully supported my husband’s and my decision not to buy a Barbie for the girl and agreed with our arguments against this toy, giving us very useful advice on how and what to tell our daughter.

CARDS, STICKERS, FASHION

Verochka grew up, she had already entered that time when just a little more - and she was already a girl, a difficult age. Perestroika. The body already somehow declares itself, but the consciousness is completely childish. This is where the somersaults begin.

Suddenly, family immunity against general trends weakens, children become susceptible to all sorts of teenage “epidemics” of collecting, fanaticism, and rag-picking. Even the slightest hint of the frivolity and spiritual emptiness of a new hobby causes a storm of protests and fierce opposition to parental advice. For Verochka and me, everything went a little smoother, almost painlessly, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

One day I noticed my daughter had a new box. I never “searched” her desk or searched through her briefcases or pockets. But Verochka was so fussy with her secret that soon everyone paid attention to the behavior of her daughter, granddaughter, and sister. The treasured box was quickly hidden if someone entered Vera’s room, the girl constantly hid and re-hidden her “treasure”. Tikhon snorted angrily. Vasily could barely contain his irritation; my tongue was itching with the desire to ask my daughter about the subject of her such ardent care. But we endured. And soon the opportunity arose to find out what the ill-fated box was hiding in its depths.

One day this box fell out of my daughter’s briefcase, and all its contents scattered on the floor. Luckily, there was only one at home. Vera rushed to pick up colorful pieces of paper from the floor. They turned out to be stickers, inserts from packages of chewing gum. I began to help my daughter pick out colored pieces of paper. We started talking. And it turned out that Vera literally searches for and picks up the inserts thrown by someone from the ground, since we tried not to buy chewing gum, and if we did, it was very rare: they did more harm than good.

Vera searched the bushes and sidewalks. Like a beggar, like a sick woman. She understood that she was acting stupidly and abnormally, but it clung to her like some kind of infection. The girls, her friends, spent hours looking at their treasures (inserts), the collecting of which became a real boom of the season, they exchanged them, quarreled, and were jealous of each other. In a word, ordinary pieces of paper became the subject of all their aspirations. Vera said that it is customary for girls in her class to collect things: calendars, postcards, candy wrappers, soda caps, bottle labels - in general, all sorts of tinsel. My daughter was blushing and crying, she was at a crossroads. On the one hand, she understood that she was behaving stupidly and unworthily, but she so wanted to have friends among her classmates and a common topic for communication with them. She hid and hid her box out of reasonable fear that at home they would not understand her or would scold her.

But I didn’t scold the girl. I felt so sorry for the silly girl, and I felt how important it was for her to communicate with her friends now, and at the same time, she really needed us all, she needed our understanding. Soon our men were supposed to return home, so my daughter and I went for a walk to the park and took the ill-fated box. I asked Verochka to show me the pictures, and I myself watched to see if she was really interested in collecting inserts, or if it was just a “tribute” to a general hobby. My daughter handed me the inserts, and did it so quickly, accompanying the display with a minimum of comments: “This is Roxy, Coxy, Popeye (something like that), this is Tom, Jerry, Barbie...” that her behavior directly spoke of real indifference to the pictures , the pictures were not dear to her.

We talked for a long time with my daughter that memorable evening. The conversation touched on many things: absurd passion, stupid imitation, hypocrisy, double life. I did not scold Vera; I still remember how I myself, in every conceivable and inconceivable way, obtained photographs of popular film artists, whose passion was considered fashionable during my youth. Yes, many of my peers remember the craze for one of the actors, singers, and poets. And I, wanting to keep up with my friends, literally became “obsessed” with the desire to have postcards, newspaper and magazine clippings. Thank God, my grandmother was alive, she held me back and sobered me up then. My grandmother explained to me how destructive it can be for human soul commitment to something earthly, transitory, untrue.

It would be fine if Verochka admired actual historical and cultural values, which, however, is also permissible within reasonable limits. But this is the stupidest adherence to collecting.. What to do? At what level do you communicate with your friends?

And then I offered my daughter a different way out: not to sink to the level of her friends, but to try to raise them to a higher level. And here the temple helped us a lot. A young nun came to our parish to pray. Under her command there were several orphan girls. Sister Annushka patiently taught her troubled charges silk embroidery, gold embroidery, and beadwork. After the Sunday liturgy, Verochka and I had a long conversation with our priest. And the priest advised Vera: shouldn’t she also learn to weave various beautiful little things from beads. Verochka was delighted with the offer and soon began attending classes with her sister Anna. By the way, she found real friends there, and Vera is close to them even now. My classmates (although not all) soon also wanted to learn how to weave bracelets, pendants, and panels from beads. The girls began to come to our house, sat for hours and weaved, weaved, weaved... And in the next conversation with me, my daughter was glad that chewing gum labels were no longer of such great interest as before. And we threw away the box – the keeper of Vera’s “treasures” – on that same memorable evening.

"FIRM"

Our children had all the things they needed, and there was no shortage of clothes. We bought some things in stores and markets, and continued to sew others ourselves. My mother-in-law and I sewed well, we selected modern patterns for patterns, and the children’s clothes were not “old-fashioned.” Our guys dressed with taste, closer to classic or sports style, but modestly. Not faded, not gray, but not shouting about itself with provocative outfits.

But then one day my daughter came home from school, “pouting like a mouse on a rump.” She went to her room, and you could hear her shedding tears there. I did not stop her from crying and, hearing that the sobs had subsided, asked permission to enter. She carefully began to find out what was the matter, what had happened. Verochka said that for several months now there has been a general boasting of “branded” things at school. There are girls whom everyone respects only because their clothes were bought in expensive stores, their things were produced by well-known companies. If someone doesn’t have the “right” tag on something, then all interest in such a girl disappears, they make fun of her, and even despise her. Whether the item is thrice original and impeccably sewn, but without a tag, without trademark The company was not “worth” a penny. However, like the owner of such a thing.

If someone came to class wearing something new, then at the very first break, the “victim” of fashion was invited to the toilet room, and the new thing was felt, examined, almost tried out - they found out whether it was a fake or a “brand”. And now, several times now, my girl has become the object of such research. Yes, both Vera and her friends liked the clothes, but there was no sacramental label on them: “It’s as if it’s my fault that I’m not dressed like a “brand.” And Christina actually said today that all the chic of our “homemade products” only screams about our poverty. Can you imagine, mommy, I was so upset for us, for you, for me, for grandma Dusya and dad, and even for Tisha! I don't know how to behave. After all, my things are no worse, and sometimes much better, than “branded” ones, but they despise me for this... It hurts so much!” – Tears were ready to flow from Verochka’s eyes again.

We again talked for a long time with our daughter. And she suggested that she should not pay attention to the harassment of the newly minted fashionistas. However, she understood perfectly well that it was not easy to be absolutely indifferent to their stupid and truly painful attacks; not every adult is sometimes able to adequately resist offenders of this kind. It wasn’t that my girl suffered from the lack of “branded” things - she simply asked me for advice on how to behave, what to respond, and was looking for reassurance.

Then I told my girl that at all times, clothes and things were considered the most expensive and highly valued in the entire world of fashion. self made, often made in a single copy. That in fact, foreign suppliers of fashion products are simply taking advantage of the situation in our country, which has not yet recovered from economic turmoil. After all, even what is sold in expensive stores costs practically nothing in the country of origin - it is imported stamping, local “consumer goods”. Truly expensive things cost so much money that only the wealthiest people in the world are able to buy them. And these expensive things are hand-sewn, in a single copy. “If you don’t believe me, then let’s go to Arbat and ask the price of hand-knitted tablecloths, napkins, dresses - you’ll see and be surprised how expensive it is and how in demand it is among visiting tourists. But your girls really don’t understand anything about worthwhile things - they, like magpies, are greedy for everything that rustles and shines.”

“I’m telling you this so that you have something to fend off the attacks of your friends. And for yourself, I believe, there is no need to explain that things exist for man, and not man for things. Living based on things and fashion is mentally harmful and sinful, stupid and empty. You have something to cover your nakedness, and your clothes are not “the latest,” although they are not “branded.” All your dresses and suits are clean, neat, they are tailored to fit your figure and height (you must admit that it is not at all easy for my grandmother and me to constantly invent something, because you and your brother are growing up quickly), the fabrics are good, beautiful, your clothes suit you . And the most important thing is that you do not depend on your things. You are a kind and good girl, both in dress and in a skirt and blouse. And the pursuit of a company is a big stumbling block. Our soul is always naked before God if it has not acquired for itself the clothes of purity, chastity, humility, and virtue. When should you care about your soul and virtues if you constantly only think about things and strive to keep up with worldly hobbies? Do you remember how we pray in the morning: “...suddenly the Judge will come and expose every deed?” – that’s how I ended my monologue.

I also suggested that my daughter take up cutting and sewing and design her own clothes. The girl happily agreed. She had helped me and my mother-in-law with sewing before: she traced patterns with chalk, carefully cut out parts from fabric, and ironed seams. Soon she was trying on the first sewn with my own hands skirt and was so proud of the results of her labor. The skirt really turned out beautiful, Verochka sewed it carefully and carefully, not a thread stuck out anywhere.

The daughter somehow perked up. She soon told me (of course, “in great confidence” - how girls love these secrets!) that she answered the idle Christina: “I am not a clothes hanger or a mannequin. They are nobody and nothing without clothes. I’m a human being, and even if I’m dressed up in a sack, there will be people who won’t care what I’m wearing; they’ll be interested and pleased to communicate and be friends with me. What will happen to you if you suddenly lose the opportunity to wear clothes from expensive stores?” The only thing I always strongly advised my daughter was not to be arrogant in front of her friends and not to consider ourselves higher and better than them because we are involved in Christ and have the opportunity to be saved. This is not our virtue, this is God's mercy towards us.

However, the conversation about fashion was not the last in my life with my daughter. When she began to grow up and for the first time felt like not a little girl, but a young girl, when her body began to rebuild and function like a woman’s, conversations about fashion and clothing were again discussed by us several times. Thank God that my Verochka could always rely on my understanding and advice; she saw in me an adult, kind friend, an older sister who would never offend or betray, who would be able to console and help. Verochka often whispered in her prayers: “Thank you, Christ our God, for a mother who understands me!” The daughter was surprised that in the families of her friends there was confrontation between daughter and mother, and was perplexed: why quarrel, after all, they are mother and daughter.

So during that difficult time for Vera, one day she came to me and carefully asked if she could have her next skirt made shortened. How short? It turned out that it was very short, barely covering the natural bulges below the back. The daughter immediately began to explain that now “it’s so fashionable, everyone wears it like that,” that they “even tease her as a nun.” I was, of course, outraged by all these arguments in favor of the mini. But I contained my indignation. We calmly and methodically went through all of our daughter’s outfits. The hems of her dresses did not drag on the ground; the length of her skirts was either knee-length, or slightly above the knees, or slightly below. But the daughter frowned with displeasure, looking at her skirts and dresses.

I brought her scissors and offered to cut as much as she saw fit, and I myself left the room. Vera was embarrassed; she most likely assumed my participation in this matter. But I showed her with my appearance that I did not intend to participate in a kind of striptease. Vera came and asked if I would help her. I refused. And she explained the reason for her refusal.

I reminded my daughter how I sewed carnival costumes for her: “Do you remember,” I said to Verochka, “what costumes you had for the New Year? Do you remember when you were Pea and jumped merrily in your green barrel dress? Do you remember, just a year ago you were the Swan Princess and walked majestically, dressed in foam made of white lace and muslin? Do you remember how I sewed you a Little Robber costume from the fairy tale about the Snow Queen, and you bullied everyone, misbehaved and joked? Why am I reminding you of this right now? Yes, because human clothing is often called a suit. Whatever a person puts on himself is how he behaves. It’s not for nothing that evening dresses for theaters, work clothes, dressing gowns, and business suits were invented. It is indecent, for example, to go to work in an evening dress, or to the theater in jeans. And it’s not just a matter of taste or bad taste. A person behaves depending on what he is wearing.

Yes, of course, they see you off “based on your mind,” but you meet them “based on your clothes.” Clothing says a lot:

About, for example, how internally a person is neat, collected, chaste, and, finally, well-mannered. The internal state of the soul dictates a person’s external behavior. For example, Sister Anna, even if she were not a nun (she had not yet taken monastic vows), even if she found herself in the world, would never wear miniskirts and a low neckline. It's ungodly, it's tempting. This is shameless and lascivious at last.

It's a different matter when there is absolutely nothing else to wear - unfortunately, this happens. But to voluntarily agree and strive to expose oneself... To agree and desire to look like girls of a well-known “profession”... Is it conceivable? How can you not understand that in the minds of people for centuries, ideas about the modesty and modesty of women have been laid and formed. A woman who deliberately exposes her body will never be perceived by a man (or any other woman) as modest and chaste. She puts her body on display for everyone to see and is not shy about it. This means that the internal level of her modesty has been lowered, she can allow herself any other liberties. You can fall into pieces, proving that you are “not like that” - no one will believe you.

Your pious behavior short skirt and bare chests and shoulders will look like breaking, stuffing one’s worth, like coquetry, like a silent call to achieve your favor (you know what it is) at any cost. Do you want it? Do you really want it?

You have already become so big, already a girl. The boys are probably already staring at you. Soon the notes will fly: “Verochka, I like you so much, let’s meet!” Where is the confidence that the boy will like your kind heart, bright head, your soul? How will you figure out if he was flattered by your long, slender bare legs? After all, he is also growing up, becoming an adult man, he is encountering new feelings about himself for the first time. And it is difficult for him, just like you, to figure out what is more in his feelings - carnal desires or spiritual disposition. You stupid girls, you chase frank frankness, and then you suffer and sing tearful songs about the “insidious traitor.” It's their own fault. You have shown your legs so far, and some have shown them even higher, and some have even undressed. Do you think boys just want to see you half naked? Why don’t you take care of yourself or others?

We constantly read the Gospel, and I am surprised at you: every Sunday you come to confession and begin Communion, you are a believer (at least that’s what you say), but how did you manage to forget what you read repeatedly in the Gospel, temptations must come, but woe to the man through whom temptation comes.

Painted nails, loose hair, bright makeup, and revealing clothes are not harmless. Remember the movie we watched before Christmas about the Lord? Do you remember Mary Magdalene? How and why was she different from other Jewish women? Do you remember her coloring, bright clothes, bare head and loose hair, bracelets and monista, before she met the Lord? Do you remember the outfit of dancing Salome? It was immediately clear that these women were seductresses, harlots. At all times, if a woman dressed up like this, it immediately became clear to everyone who she was and what she did.

Yes, of course, now the time is different, life is different. How is she different? Yes, another one is godless. In the West there is Protestantism, they don’t confess or take communion there. We have the consequences of atheism and atheism. So should we really follow this? And if you are afraid of being considered ugly because you don’t wear miniskirts, don’t paint your nails and don’t let your hair down, then believe me, there will be someone who will accept and love you just like that, for your inner beauty and modesty. And such relationships will be sincere and lasting. That’s how it is with your dad and me, and thank God we met your dad.” The daughter drawled: “So that’s dad...” And I suggested: “He’ll come in the evening, you ask him about everything yourself, he’ll be happy to tell you.”

“Do you think that in my time all the girls almost wore a burqa? Not at all. There were all sorts of girls, and they were just like your friends now. But then it was considered a real revolution. And I also wanted to be “advanced.” But my grandmother, God rest upon her, once told me that a girl’s body should only be revealed to her husband. She told me about “old” relationships, about long dresses, about hats, about carefully tidied up hair. About the trepidation with which the husband treated his wife because she was all a mystery to him, the height of chastity. Agree, how chaste, reasonable and at the same time romantic.

They tease nuns - rejoice. Do you remember? “...Blessed are you, when they revile you and destroy you and do evil to you for My name’s sake, rejoice and be glad, for your reward is many in heaven.” And remember, “What good is it to a man if he gains the world, but loses his soul.” Yes, our father once told you that Christianity is not a slogan, they don’t shout about it on street corners. They profess Christianity. By your behavior, your attitude towards the world and towards people. With your love for God. Wouldn’t it turn out like in the Gospel parable: “Get away from Me, I don’t know you”? And if our community members also see you in a miniskirt, how you will seduce them! They will say that you are a hypocrite: in church you are a modest woman, on the street you are a libertine. Is it good? After all, everything can be endured, for a believer there are no things that are too much for a believer, the Lord willing, you can cope with this temptation too.

“Let's better not cry or get upset. Let’s see what we can come up with that’s new and beautiful from what already exists, add something, tailor it somehow, you and I, thank God, are such craftsmen and inventors!”

In the evening, Vera asked her father how and where we met, and what attracted him to me. Vasily, smiling quietly, replied that we met in the library (which was true). He looked at me for a long time, not daring to come up and meet me. My husband said that I struck him with my modesty and shyness. “Mom was so small, fragile, with a braid, a meek smile... As if from the last century - she was so unusual, out of this world or something; There were no other girls like her. I so wanted to protect her, protect her, take care of her like a rare flower. Here I am..."

Verochka thought for a long time, and then regretted that there were probably no more guys like our dad left now. But I objected to her, saying that the Lord, of course, had saved at least one good young man for her, she just needed to wait, pray and behave prudently and piously.

Time has passed, but my Verochka dresses with great taste, she sews everything for herself, both modestly and beautifully, and to suit the person. And Pavel fell in love with her for her modesty. God gave everything.

TEENAGER

The children grew up somehow suddenly. First, Tikhon “stretched out”: he was always larger than his sister. And then, in one summer, Verochka turned from a child with soft childish features into an awkward and angular, slightly “prickly” teenage girl. I want to say that we have always received great help and support from the hands of our pastor, our community members - God bless them all. There were always people who were not indifferent to our lives, one of the parishioners always found kind words for me and the children, everyone took part in raising our children, my children always had someone to look up to. There were always examples to demonstrate to the children that it is possible to live piously even in our difficult times, and it is not as difficult as it seems.

My husband and I know for sure that if we had not churched our children from a very early age, if there had been no Church in our lives, then all the ups and downs of adolescence would have gone unnoticed to us. If we allowed our children to come to Christ when they were bigger and more mature, and not from birth, then even in this case it would be impossible to avoid psychological and spiritual “withdrawal.”

When children appeared in our family, my husband and I decided: we need to try to live in such a way that our personal parental example does not run counter to the truths that we will try to instill in our children. We will have to teach children the fear of God and God's love. And for this we need to remain in God and the Church ourselves. And the Lord helped us out of His great love for mankind.

My husband and I always spent a lot of time with our children, were participants and inspirers of their games and fun. And children often preferred the company of Vasily and me to that of their peers. The children always looked forward to the weekend and were happy about any family activities - be it a trip to the forest to pick mushrooms and berries, work at their summer cottage, renovations, or Saturday general cleaning of the apartment. Our children were not gloomy, their friends loved them and very often came to visit us for a cup of tea. Our home was always open to our friends and neighbors, and we never quarreled with anyone. Our children loved evening tea at the family table and leisurely conversations. We could discuss for a long time what we saw, heard or read. True, over time, the son began to gravitate more towards his father, and Verochka, naturally, towards me. The children really liked to “keep it secret” with us, and my father and I were extremely frank and invariably honest with them. Therefore, all our conversations about our future youth were not artificially cultivated or feignedly serious. All conversations and revelations about the difficulties of adolescence proceeded peacefully and naturally both for us and for our children.

I told her about the upcoming cyclical changes in my daughter’s body in advance, without waiting for the moment when it would become a fait accompli. It must be said that Vera experienced a kind of shock from my story about some of the physiological features of her body growing up. She could not even imagine that she would change not only externally, but also internally, and how much she would change! I carefully explained to my daughter that this happens to all healthy girls, and this is evidence that her body is becoming capable of conceiving and giving birth to children. Such a restructuring in the body is a complex and sometimes painful process, not only physically, but also psychologically. She talked about the need for careful personal hygiene, about some important little things that every girl should know (for example, that you need to keep your personal calendar to know if everything is okay with your health). And by the time Vera first felt like a girl, she was prepared.

Nevertheless, the daughter experienced her growing up somewhat painfully. She admitted to me that for some reason she was ashamed of herself, she felt that she was unclean and it seemed to her that everyone around her felt it. I hastened to reassure Vera, reminding her of my previous story about psychological difficulties on such days. None of those around, of course, feel anything. And the feeling of one’s own uncleanness is the legacy of Eve’s fall. I advised my daughter to read prayers against defilement on such days, and I must say that this helped her a lot. Soon she felt completely normal.

We have dealt with one “grief”, but now another is on the doorstep – acne. You couldn’t even call them pimples – just a reddish rash. But all her friends were so fussy about their skin, they made such a fuss about these same acne that my Vera became worried. One day my daughter told me that one of her close friends started a real war with her father at home because she inherited his complexion and his numerous freckles. A friend was sobbing and throwing hysterics at her parents, throwing fashion magazines with photographs of sleek fashion models in their faces and screaming through her tears: “They have skin, and you? What could you give me? Ugly and defective people should be prohibited from having children!” And the parents were so confused by their daughter’s aggression that they couldn’t find an answer to the boorish behavior, they even felt guilty. Verochka lamented: “Lord, is this really possible?!” After all, they gave her life, and Julia…”

But soon I noticed that my daughter was closely examining her face in the mirror and was dissatisfied with what she was looking at. I certainly couldn’t help but wonder about the reason for her displeasure. It was leather. Dry here, oily there, black dots there, red dots here, an abscess somewhere, a speck somewhere.

We sat down to talk. “What to do,” I told my daughter, “you need to accept everything as it is and not make a tragedy out of changes in your appearance. Yes, it’s really not very pleasant. But everything can be fixed; you shouldn’t focus only on appearance. Not only is your body growing, but your soul is also maturing. You need to listen as carefully as possible to the movements of the soul, otherwise it will be a disaster. At such times, many children turn away from Christ, look for “friends in misfortune,” and put together companies where they engage in outright sinfulness. And they also boast of their swagger and recklessness. But by the grace of God you are a Christian. And you need to remember that growing pains are a seeming difficulty, cutting teeth also hurts, and then nothing. All people grew up, all grew up, all faced what you are facing now. The Lord will help you. Don’t give up prayer and the Church, and you won’t despair; you’ll take everything for granted. Don't let despondency and despair take over your soul. Indeed, in fact, a great sacrament is happening: the girl becomes a woman, and therefore a future mother, wife. How wonderful, how amazing! Just yesterday - a nasty caterpillar, and today - a wonderful butterfly. Yesterday - an ugly duckling, and today - a swan. And such a dispensation is the wisdom of God. Our Lord also grew up, was also a teenager. He endured everything himself. And the Mother of God and all the saints. After all, you can’t help but grow, you can’t help but remain a child all your life - this will already be a pathology. Your “grief” with pimples can be helped. Let's switch to plant-based and fermented milk foods, buy vitamins, and I'll make you good lotions from natural ingredients. Come on, let’s start running with you and Tikhon in the morning, let’s go to the steam room regularly.”

I really wanted my daughter not to feel alone at such a difficult time. It must be said that our measures had a good result: healthy food, physical activity, hygiene procedures minimized pimples and sweating, and my children endured the very peak of “troubles” less painfully than their peers.

At the end of the seventh grade, the Lord gave our children the opportunity to study in an Orthodox gymnasium. And somewhere from the fifth grade, our children attended Sunday school classes. But it was still difficult for them: one way of life was accepted in the family, but in a secular school and in the yard the children were forced to follow a completely different one. The guys were “divided”; they had no peace and quiet in their souls, and this worried my husband and me very much. When we had the opportunity to enroll the children in an Orthodox gymnasium, everyone was happy: the children were also tired of the hustle and bustle of a secular school. The temptations decreased, but it was not possible to completely escape them.

“MY LIGHT, MIRROR, SAY...”

Of course, it is very unusual to see yourself differently from what you are used to seeing for twelve or thirteen years in a row. Before, Vera didn’t think about whether she was pretty or not. Now, as a teenager, she was clearly interested in her appearance. And it must be said that the daughter was not always satisfied with herself. Vera didn’t like either her face or her figure: “There’s Katya from the parallel class, she’s a beauty, but I’m just some kind of horror story. My face really won't make me want to drink water. Mom, what should we do?” – the girl almost cried.

I began to ask my daughter why she considers herself worse than Katya? After all, such an opinion is biased. There are people who do not consider Katya a beauty: “Your attitude towards yourself, towards your appearance is a temptation. It is the evil one who is trying to drag you onto the crooked path of worldly passions. You listen to him and begin to become more sophisticated, looking for ways to correct the situation. What for? God gave you exactly this appearance, which means He considered it saving for you. And you need to accept your appearance with gratitude, isn’t it the most important thing. Both beautiful and ugly, well-groomed and unkempt - in the afterlife, all flesh is the same. And what difference does it make to the Judge whether a person was beautiful in appearance during life or not. You can’t take your body with you, and a person won’t be judged by his appearance. “Unflattering” - that’s how it will be. Beauty is a testimony to God; we must honor the Creator, not the creature. Otherwise – paganism, apostasy,” I tried to speak in a non-edifying tone, I didn’t want my daughter to feel irritated by my conversations.

“Look,” I told Vera, “you have a clear look, an open, sincere smile, a calm face, you are young and fresh, you have a good and healthy build - I’m telling you this as a doctor. Why anger God and murmur at Him for allegedly not giving you something? You have a sharp and inquisitive mind, a sensitive heart, a kind soul, and this is the most important thing. Those people who have a kind soul are always very beautiful with some kind of unworldly beauty. Look at sister Anna or our mother Annushka - all in black, a headscarf right up to her eyebrows, not an ounce of makeup. Our mother is such a modest person! Can you really say that they are ugly? You see how the Lord prospers in His children. Look at the faces of the saints in the images - that’s where the beauty is! Even unbelievers are unable to deny this.

Don’t turn away from God, and He will reward you with everything, don’t doubt it. You are the daughter of our Heavenly Father, walk through life with the memory of this, and then everything will work out for you.”

Gradually, Verochka began to take her appearance calmly; she was not a burning beauty, but she was not ugly either. Correct facial features, careful personal hygiene, neatness in clothes and hairstyle made my daughter very attractive. Every mother (deep down) wants to see her daughter pretty. I didn’t tell her this, but I didn’t keep silent about the fact that she looked good, thank God. And I always told our girl one more thing: if someone tells you that you are pretty, then don’t be proud and don’t be arrogant. If someone says otherwise, then don’t cry or be upset. How many people - so many opinions. “Do not trust in princes, in the sons of men, for there is no salvation in them...” We must try not to please people, but to be sweet to God. Don’t worry about transient, corruptible physical beauty, but about imperishable, eternal beauty. By this you will be saved, and your life will turn out happily, God will manage everything, just don’t make a mistake yourself.

ICONS

The children settled in quickly at the gymnasium, and they felt good there: they didn’t have to change much about themselves. Our children always loved going to church and always looked forward to the upcoming service and revered the priesthood. Verochka dreamed of waiting for the day when she would start learning choir singing, and Tikhon and his father helped repair the temple. My daughter and I came to church in addition to services: we helped clean up, sorted out worn-out items brought in (humanitarian aid), and visited elderly and sick parishioners.

I remember how Vera once developed a kind of church “fashionism”: she tried to have as many different headscarves as possible. For every holiday, for every liturgy there is a different scarf. I have already accumulated about twenty of them, no less. But I don’t have the strength to stop, as soon as I see a tent with scarves, my eyes light up with fire, she teases me: “Mommy, buy me a scarf for the Annunciation (for Lent, for a holiday, for communion).” I barely convinced my daughter that three or four scarves would actually be enough for her, why so many? Reluctantly, the daughter gave away her “dowry” to the parish grandmothers.

At Sunday school and at the gymnasium, my daughter had her own intimate friends. But Vera was a very sociable girl and did not stop relationships with her friends in the yard and former classmates. I didn’t want to get proud, I didn’t want to offend the girls with my neglect of them, and my daughter found something interesting about them. However, contacts with non-believing children also had their pitfalls. One such riff turned out to be pop music.

Vera studied at a music school and was a violinist. Additionally, she mastered the piano and could even accompany herself if she sang. My daughter loved romances, ballads, songs of bards, Russian folk songs “from the hinterlands,” and tried to compose music herself. A little later, my daughter learned to play the six-string guitar, and her friends, when they came to visit us, often asked her to sing something.

But it didn't end with singing songs. Soon Vera’s friends began to come to our house with some newspapers and magazines. The girls were talking animatedly in their room, cutting and gluing something, and were somehow unnaturally excited. Soon, tape recordings of the songs that were constantly pouring out of the speakers on the street began to be heard from the “girls’ half.” I waited for some time to see what would follow after all this. And now my wait is over.

Vera decided to be frank with me. She invited me into the room and from somewhere under the mattress she took out a plump notebook. The girls, with their common efforts and diligence, pasted all the clippings from newspapers and magazines into this notebook and collected all possible information about popular musicians, athletes, and artists. What is this all for? It turned out that almost all of her friends are fans of various people from the artistic or sports bohemia. It’s like the “adoration” of Smolenskaya women, “this is how it’s supposed to be, this is how it should be,” whether you like it or not.

Of course, I was surprised by Verochka’s passion. And this is what we did with it: we sat down and counted all the pictures in the notebook. There were about three hundred pieces. We divided the number of pictures among all the girls participating in the cult of adoration. There were eighty pictures for each. And after that, my daughter and I counted the icons in her room. It turned out fifteen. Then I told my daughter how much time she and her friends spend with this notebook: two and a half hours almost every day. For the evening performance prayer rule(in the mornings the girl prayed according to the rule of the saint (Seraphim of Sarov) and her daughter’s reading of spiritual literature takes about an hour and a half a day. Vera prayed willingly, not under compulsion, prayer simply entered her life so much that if she happened to get sick and not pray , then as soon as she felt better, she immediately took up her prayer book.

This is how we ended up with that notebook. I didn’t have to indulge in long-winded explanations, I didn’t have to explain to my daughter all the absurdity and harmfulness of this activity, she understood everything herself. The only thing she asked me was: what should I do with my friends now? After all, they are already accustomed to the fact that she is engaged in “adoration” with them, but in fact – idolatry. I advised my daughter to first give the notebook to one of her friends and not take part in the “adoration,” citing temporary employment. And then, if girls start talking about idols, offer them a more interesting activity, a more interesting conversation, a more interesting book.

I agreed with my daughter that the Lord really does give some people special talents; a charming voice, the ability to compose music, poetry, and paint pictures. But Satan again does not sleep. He leads people away from worshiping God and towards idolatry. They begin to admire not the Creator who created such a talented person, but the person himself. His tastes, passions, personal life. Further more. Imitation of a person begins, and the imitator ends up living not his own life, but someone else’s. The life of another person who is as mortal as his admirer. But they don’t even remember about God. My daughter agreed with me, and the notebook disappeared from our house, my girl stopped collecting information about the “stars”.

But their music remained. Vera listened to these songs and even sang along enthusiastically. And then I “shook her”. I asked her to explain to me, narrow-minded and slow-witted, what was so special about these very songs, how did they win a place in my daughter’s soul? At first Vera shrugged her shoulders. And then she said hesitantly that these songs are “about life,” they say, “the whole truth.”

Then I calmly told my daughter my view of what was happening. “Imagine,” I told Vera, “that these very “life-true” songs were sung from the stage by some old man or woman, and not by young singers. I'm afraid that these songs would never have become as popular as they are now. And do you know why? Willingly or unwittingly, every young person listening to the songs of the “stars” thinks to himself: “He (or she) was able to achieve the fact that millions of people look at him and admire him. But not me. He is the lucky one and I am the unlucky one.” And envy, and the thirst for vanity, the thirst for sin - everything is in this. Young “stars” of pop and show business are truly “celestials” in the minds of their listeners and spectators.

And when these singers begin to sing songs “for life,” then millions of admirers suddenly discover: “Bah! It is said that “Olympians” feel exactly the same as us mere mortals!” That's what's happening. Fans and admirers experience euphoria from their participation in the life of a “star”, they are in awe because their “gods” deigned to descend to earth. And their songs (often completely mediocre and stupid) are listened to precisely because of this. They do not worship creativity (since, as such, there is no creativity. So, a set of hackneyed phrases and simple sounds), but they continue to worship the “creator”. Understand?

Look how many songs have been written about love. But the love songs of yesteryear evoke skeptical smiles among today's youth. Why? Yes, because the performers of the songs of my youth have aged, they are unknown to today’s guys, and so the songs of previous years are “not quoted.” And again, now many modern singers “give an old song a new life,” that is, they re-sing songs of past years. And the song sounds again. This is the pattern. Again disguised idolatry.

Yes, try to look at this “creativity” with sober eyes. Are eternal values ​​being sung? Not at all! They sing about some anomalies, short bursts of passion, momentary desires. What are the singers and singers wearing? The more shameless, the worse, the better and preferable. And fans begin to follow their idols: they acquire the same things as theirs, adopt their manners and habits. And then - vodka, drugs, fornication. And the fans, seeing how “chic” the “stars” live (and no stones fall on their heads), do the same. But don't delude yourself. The stones do not fall for the time being. The Lord is patient. But how long can you test God's patience?

I understand that you really want to have friends, you want to communicate with peers. But we must remember that many of them are non-believers. You need to make some adjustments in your communication with them. You see, no one condemns an unbeliever, no one can be forced to love God, faith is trust, not coercion. Many people are simply comfortable not believing in God: it’s easier to sin. After all, if people lived righteously, then God would not interfere with them, right? The bot and you are faced with a choice: where to go? Along a wide path, strewn and lined with luxury and pleasures, towards the night. Or you will go along a narrow, unbeaten path towards an eternal day and true love. Now you may decide that I am raising you, trying to impose my own conservative way of thinking. No, I'm just trying to sober you up. Did your father and I lie to you? No. But look: if not for our faith in Christ, if not for the Church, would we have coped with such a difficult life, would we have been able to maintain warm family relationships? How many of your friends' parents are divorced? How many parents are exhausted from working two or three jobs, but still live on the brink of poverty? Dad and I are sure that our well-being is God’s mercy towards us, great sinners.

You are already such an adult, you will soon have a lover, you will want to start a family. You probably want your marriage to last a lifetime and have good children, right? But passions are so insidious. They sneak in unnoticed, take up residence in the soul and sit, waiting: “Yeah, I sinned a little - and that’s okay. This means that you can sacrifice something somewhere. God will forgive". He will forgive you when you repent. Only they are not in a hurry to repent, they are in a hurry to enjoy. Your harmless, empty songs, they say, I’ll listen to them a little and that’s all. - It’s not true! Then you will want something else, small, empty. And accumulate a whole heap of small and trivial sins, equal in “weight” to a huge mountain.

And you will find a guy for yourself, one who, just like you, will not care whether he allows sins or not. So the sandbag will fill up and drag you into the abyss.” Vera listened to me in silence. Afterwards, for several days in a row, from her room I heard snippets of popular songs among her and the clicks of the switch on the tape recorder. Then the daughter came and said: “You know, mom, you’re right.” I listened to something here - such vulgarity, downright squalor. Some Chukchi motives: I’m driving, I look at what’s below, I sing about it. Nothing. Thanks, mom!" My daughter snuggled comfortably against my side: what about my girlfriends?

“You decide for yourself somehow. The main thing is not to educate them or edify them. Either find neutral topics for communication, or try to “raise” them somehow. You are like magpies now: you got together and “tra-ta-ta, tra-ta-ta,” if only you had someone to talk to. And as you grow up, you will begin to discuss more serious problems, truly vital and important ones. And how these problems will be solved by you and your friends, at what level - that’s what you need to think about. And here's another thing. You need to consult with your father, he will certainly tell you the right way out.”

The girl confessed for a long time at the next service, and left the church calm and enlightened. And soon she composed her first spiritual song, dedicated it to Saint Roman the Sweet Singer. Since then, she has already composed many spiritual songs, we often sing them on holidays with our family, now Vera sings lullabies she herself composed to her babies. But she doesn’t like to talk about her work: she’s afraid of becoming arrogant.

“...LOVE AND HUNGER RULE THE WORLD”

Verochka grew up, gradually turning from an angular teenager into a slender girl. She was completely physically formed and rounded. She should have already turned fifteen years old. By that time, we had already experienced the boom of “Valentines”, the fashion for falling in love, all sorts of tricks in an attempt to embellish own body(attempts to have many holes in the ears for the same number of earrings, an attempt to get a tattoo, a craving for jewelry), experienced an acute desire to lose weight, take up body shaping.

My God, how difficult it is for girls to get used to their new selves, how the evil one seduces them with their own body! How many means have been invented for this! How difficult it is for a non-church person to cope with all temptations and temptations. Even for our girl, who grew up in the church, it was not easy not to stumble, and I can’t hide how Verochka’s life would have turned out if not for the Church.

“Valentines” coincided in time with the general craze of falling in love. The girls were in a hurry to live and wanted to feel like adults. Tikhon and Vera had friends of the opposite sex, for whom our children had friendly, platonic feelings. But here's what's strange: the boys behaved much more modestly than the girls. The girls, Vera’s friends, tried with all their might to have a boyfriend and tried in every possible way to convince themselves that they were in love with someone.

The “chosen ones” were constantly given some kind of gifts: either a case for a lighter (the girls were not at all embarrassed that teenage boys smoke), or a cover for a notebook, or a pie, they would bake and impose themselves with their “crush”, and the guys would turn red and pale, they are rude. They don’t know how to cope with the onslaught of girl “love”. The girls behaved desperately immodestly: they flirted, “made eyes”, cast promising hot glances at the guys, and simpered. A big role in all this was played by television series with their predatory morality, and the yellow press with constant publications of answers to twelve-year-old girls about how to behave with the boy they liked. We didn’t watch TV series as a matter of principle, and there was no question of buying such magazines. But we didn’t live under a hood. If my daughter herself did not watch TV series or read magazines, then other girls indulged in this kind of entertainment. And they, of course, could not shut their mouths.

And then I notice that my Verochka began to preen herself especially carefully when getting ready for a walk in the yard. And then “Valentines” appeared in the house. I noticed these carefully drawn hearts lying on the telephone table, while Vera was talking on the phone with a friend, arranging an upcoming meeting. A little earlier, I allowed my daughter to go for a walk, but the appearance of the “Valentine” alerted me. I had to ask my daughter to give up the walk and help me with some household chores. The girl was a little upset by the failed meeting, but nevertheless stayed.

When we were alone, I inquired about the “Valentine” I had seen by chance. The girl told me the story of the appearance of these messages, told me about Valentine's Day. I asked again: “So are you in love?” The daughter was embarrassed and nodded uncertainly. She expected me to start scolding her, saying that it was too early for her to fall in love, but I behaved differently. “So why were you silent,” I was delighted, “this is so great! So you’ve grown up and already fallen in love! Who is this lucky guy, who is my future son-in-law, do I know him? Does he love you?” Verochka became even more confused: “What are you talking about, mom, what kind of son-in-law is that?” Just a boy from the eleventh “B”, from our former school with Tisha. I don't know whether he loves me or not. It’s just that all our girls “run after him”, he’s so cute! But he doesn’t meet anyone, doesn’t pay attention to anyone. They say he has a girl in another area.” I listened to my daughter and said in bewilderment: “So you prepared him a Valentine’s card?” The daughter answered: “Well, yes, him, who else? I already knitted a scarf and gave it to him, embroidered handkerchiefs and also gave it to him, but he doesn’t know who these gifts are from. But I have almost no chance. Sveta gave him an organizer, Christina gave him headphones for the player, and Natasha, who actually saved up money for six months and gave him a pager. How can I compete with them with my scarves and handkerchiefs?! So I decided to send him a “Valentine” card,” my daughter was fiercely gnawing on a cabbage stalk.

Then I thought out loud: “Verochka, I don’t understand anything. Are you offering yourself to him? Or are you buying it? What kind of auction is this? You, like everyone else, “run” after this boy, lure him, humiliate yourself, but don’t see your future husband in him? What nonsense, what obscenity! What is this all for?"

Vera lowered her head and was about to cry: “Mom, all the girls already have boyfriends, they go on dates, I’m the only one, I don’t know who.

It turns out worse than everyone else. Maybe Denis will pay attention to me, and everyone will understand that someone needs me too.”

I hugged the girl to me: “You are my stupid, dear girl! Well, how can you say that no one needs you? And me, and dad, and grandmother, and Tikhon? We all love you so much! And our community, our priest, and finally the Lord Himself? Everyone loves you! And so unselfishly and selflessly that you don’t need to beg our love. And even if you ask us to stop loving you, even if (God forbid!) you do something terrible, we will not be able to do it. We love you not for gifts, not for beauty, not for talents - we love you only for what you are, we love all of you: sick, healthy, thin, fat, laughing, crying, ruff, flexible. And you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and your principles in order to preserve and win our love. You were not born yet, but we were waiting for you and loved you.

What are you planning with this Denis? Is this really love? You're a girl. So why are you fighting and fighting for the attention of a boy who doesn't care about you? You become indifferent to yourself. Where is your modesty, where is your innocence, because you are behaving unworthily. You cannot beg for love, you cannot force a person to love. Even if Denis turns his attention to you, you will not be of any value to him. You are one of the many who sought his attention. That's one thing. Now imagine: how tired he is of you! How he despises you and how funny you are to him! What kind of relationship could you have after all this? Yes, he would humiliate you, because he knows: there are so many people who want and crave his attention, even besides you. And the worst thing is: you offer yourself to him. But what about the Christian martyr girls? They went to death, just not to be desecrated, and did not consider themselves unnecessary to anyone. God needed them – that’s the most important thing.

What are you trying to achieve in representing Denis? Friendship? So no one and nothing prevents you from communicating and making friends just like that. This means he may think you want something else. Guess for yourself - what. Do you realize that you are acting like a harlot? Do you understand that you encourage the boy to think badly of you, encourage him to sin, seduce him? And this is what you call falling in love?

My sunshine, my girl, you are so smart! Imagine if our Tikhon was harassed like that by girls. What would you think of them? What will Tikhon think of you if he finds out about your harassment, because he is so proud of you. After all, for him you are “the purest example of pure charm.” What will dad say, because for him you are so modest and innocent. How will you look our7father in the eyes? How will you confess? And these “Valentines” are Catholic, and this holiday of a different faith is also Catholic. How come you didn’t think, didn’t judge?” And Verochka was already crying with all her might and repentance.

I continued: “My baby, I don’t judge or scold you. I show you what you really look like, what you achieve due to your inexperience and inexperience, following only the general trend. I love you no less because of this, no need to cry. I really want you to be able to save yourself, I want you not to hurt your soul, so that you can save yourself for real happiness. So that she can fulfill God’s purpose for a woman. Believe me, when true love comes to you, when you grow a little and mature, it will be unpleasant for you to remember your current behavior. And also think about what you would do if your daughter behaved this way? Wouldn't you try to stop her? It turns out that you know you are wrong, but turn a blind eye to it. I understand that you are almost grown up and, like any other girl of your age, you are waiting for love and dreaming about it. But you can’t artificially bring love closer, you can’t arouse it in yourself, you can’t acquire it, because there’s nowhere to get it from yet. She is still on the way to you, waiting for you to be ready to worthily accept her as God’s great gift. Let’s dry your tears, the worst hasn’t happened yet, and, thank God, the rest can be fixed.”

And I also told my daughter how in former times girls who had reached a certain age prayed to God to give them a pious groom, how mothers and fathers asked the Lord for the same. And they begged! And what strong families there were, how highly a girl’s chastity was revered and how carefully a girl’s honor was guarded. Even after the engagement they spoke about love carefully, rarely and reverently, they were afraid to give the evil one a reason for seduction. And this is not hypocrisy - this is Christian brotherly love, this is avoidance of fornication, this is the desire not to sin. And they knew how to value love.

And now it is customary to call love open, shameless passion and lustful fornication. All you can hear all around is: love, love, love. But this is empty hot air. “Love,” says the letter of the Apostle Paul, “is patient, is kind, love is not jealous, love is not arrogant, is not arrogant, does not act disorderly, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not count evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, covers everything, believes everything, hopes for her, endures everything...” And when all this is fulfilled in your feeling, then this is true love.

“Love” is dealt with. But the girls’ desire to attract the boys’ attention was literally in the air. Vera asked permission to pierce her ears and get “a tiny tattoo, somewhere in an inconspicuous place,” again guided by the considerations that “that’s what all the girls wear now.”

And then for the first time I waved my hand at her and said with annoyance: “You know what? Do whatever you want. If you want, shave your head, if you want, put a ring in your nose, wear earrings. If you want, get all tattooed. Why are you asking permission? After all, this your body, your soul and your life. You don’t care that we don’t act like everyone else, you don’t care that it’s ungodly, you “want”, so do it, why the delay? “Everything” is much more important to you, so go for it. Start smoking and drinking wine, because everyone is doing it now.” Vera began to fuss: “Mom, don’t be angry, I’m just being torn apart, I understand that this is not good, but something is poking around in me, sharpening me, teasing me. I, like a mentally ill person, go around saying to myself: “This is stupid, this is ugly, this is sinful, not Christian.” And some mischievous little voice answers: “What nonsense, “not Christian.” Christianity is not in the body or in clothes, but in the soul. Tattoos are not made on the soul, and holes for earrings are not pierced in the soul.” My head is spinning! No, what are you saying, I certainly won’t smoke or drink wine: it’s sinful, no doubt about it.”

“Yeah, so it’s sinful to smoke and drink, but dressing up like those who drink and smoke isn’t sinful?” I advised my daughter to quickly confess and tell her priest about her internal dialogue. He will help: he will give advice, he will pray for your admonition, he will serve a prayer service to the Guardian Angel, you will pray, and lo and behold, the evil one will retreat from you. “Don’t envy those girls who strive to embellish their bodies. Why is all this? In fact, we are not savages and we are not prisoners to paint ourselves and hang ourselves with trinkets.”

And I also told my daughter how we recently baptized a girl her age. When the girl was left in just a skirt and a T-shirt and approached the font, it turned out that on her forearm there was a huge tattoo in the form of a snake entwining a rose. No one began to say anything to her, but she was so embarrassed and blushed, she tried so hard to cover the tattoo with her palm, but it just wouldn’t fit under her palm. She ruined the whole holiday for herself: as soon as she was baptized, she quickly got dressed and ran out of the temple. And all because of some stupid and embarrassing picture on the body.

Then the daughter decided that she urgently needed to lose weight - they said she was overweight for her height, which, of course, was not true. Vera was built in proportion, there was no excess fat anywhere. But it turned out (from the daughter’s words) that some of the sizes didn’t fit something. Verochka is a conscientious and responsible girl. And she took the “business of losing weight” seriously. She came to me with a centimeter, a notebook and a pen. My daughter asked me to measure the main dimensions of her figure, told me her height and weight, calculated something and was not very pleased with the result of the study. Someone somewhere calculated that as she grows, she needs to weigh three kilograms less. This excess weight “rested” on the stomach and hips - so my daughter assured me. She asked me “as a doctor” to create a diet for her.

Well. I brought cookbooks. Vera and I sat down and calculated how many calories my daughter consumes throughout the day. It turned out that our food is not so high in calories. We get even less calories than recommended in all medical reference books. We didn’t starve - everyone in the family just loved vegetables and fish, and preference was given to these products. If you reduce the number of calories consumed, then Verochka’s entire daily diet will fit into one plate and will consist of cabbage with vegetable oil. No other way. Verochka thought: “So I’ll be hungry like a wolf all the time. I will endure, endure, and then as soon as we know that I will really get better soon. And if I do go on a hunger strike, I’ll get sick. No, mom. Let's see: maybe we should do some shaping? Well, where they make figures for girls, it’s a sport,” my daughter explained to me. I suggested another way: “Let’s strip down to our underwear and see. Well? Where is your extra stuff? There is nothing superfluous, you see for yourself. And your weight may not be within the normal range because your bones are heavy or your muscles are strong, and not at all because of fat. And then, are they going to push you onto the scale? If it’s a little harder, then execution? What's the matter?"

My daughter was delighted: “No, mom, honestly everything is fine? Don’t I need to lose weight?” - “Verochka, obese people can be seen from afar, you can always determine for whom losing weight is necessary and important for health, and for whom losing weight is only harmful. In addition, dieting can cause serious harm to health. You are growing now, your body needs protein, fats, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals. If it is unreasonable to limit anything, the body will be deprived of the necessary building material and pathology may develop, even incurable fatal diseases. And you have a completely normal and proportionate figure, believe me as a doctor. And there’s absolutely no need for you to lose weight.”

A little later, I told Vera that all beauty standards are conventions. Today thin girls are in fashion, tomorrow - plump, the day after tomorrow - something else. “You see that again the only concern is about the body and fashion. What kind of soul is in fashion now? That's just it, no one cares. Let’s not talk about diet any more until it becomes necessary for health.” And “losing weight” passed like an obsession, and thank God. But the dancing “came”.

“TODAY IS GIRLS’ PARTY, TODAY THERE WILL BE DANCING”

There was a dance floor next to the house, and starting in early spring, loud music and the singing of tipsy people were constantly heard from there. Sometimes the police came there with flashing lights and broke up fights. The dance floor was a “headache” for the entire area. Over time, it was fenced with tall painted shields, hung with garlands of multi-colored light bulbs, and a cafe and bar were built in the courtyard. But still, subjects scurried and sat around the site, inspiring neither trust nor approval. The girls from our yard wanted to get behind the mysterious fence and were afraid of this place.

One day Verochka had the following conversation over evening tea; “Mom, tell me, when you were young, did you like to go to dances?” I began to tell my daughter about my youth: “You know, daughter, something pulled me to dance (or someone pulled me). I wanted to have fun: youth is so energetic and inquisitive. But with my mind I understood that dancing was not for me. And do you know why? Until I knew my dad, I didn’t want to be an object of desire. It was somehow disgusting to even imagine how strangers were looking at me, as if they were asking the price of me or something. It was impossible to walk alone. It's unreliable with girl friends. Some of them already had their own boyfriends, and they had no time for me. Or the girls went to dances to get a boyfriend, to meet someone. And again they have no time for me. So I was afraid to go to the dance.

And, besides, once I saw these obscene and enticing movements, everything became completely disgusting. It was already when I got your dad, he and I could waltz through the evening park without anyone seeing us, and sing along to ourselves. But they didn’t even go to the dance floors together. Of course, we wanted to move; we were bursting with energy. So my dad and I went to the skating rink for skiing, and in the summer we went to the beach for a swim and organized cycling races. I consulted with my grandmother, and she agreed that the dances of today’s youth are not the same as the pious balls of old. And my grandmother also taught me how to distinguish joy from fun. Youth is a bright time, your whole life is ahead, the whole world seems to be thrown under your feet. You can do everything, you can do everything, you can handle everything. It's joyful. You look at the world smiling, you are happy about everything, and everyone around you is happy too. This internal state is joy. But when a person begins to depend on external circumstances and seek entertainment for himself, this is already fun. And it is sometimes indomitable; people are ready for any madness, just to dispel their inner boredom and tickle their nerves. And the desire for constant fun is dangerous. In youth, mood swings often occur: sometimes laughter breaks out, sometimes tearfulness overcomes. But, as my grandmother said, in order to gain peace in the soul, we, believers, have a powerful and universal weapon - prayer. It will bring peace, and after this joy in the Lord will come to the soul. So going to the dance floor is a way to replace true joy with empty fun.

I even started reading about the history of dance. And I read that people in Rus' have always loved to dance. But there were “girl” dances, dances for married women, dances for men and for young grooms. Girls' dance was always smooth and modest; married women could afford something more energetic, but under the supervision of their husbands, in their presence at the general festivities. And if the husband didn’t go to the dance, then the wife stayed at home. There were dances for engaged couples and married couples. The grooms and older men were having fun with daring dances. But brides never indulged in a dashing, reckless dance - it was sinful. That’s how wisely our ancestors lived, how they lived fearing God.

Now everything is mixed up. As you look at our dances: a gathering of Salomes and Herods. Why do they go to dances now? “Shake your bones, stretch your bodies,” that’s what it’s called in youth slang. And this is very accurately noted. After all, they deliberately dance openly, as if they were boasting: “But this is how I can, and I’m not ashamed, I can’t do that yet.” There is the art of dance: ballet, ballroom dance. But this is a different matter, it is like creativity, like art, like painting or music. Why are you asking"?

Verochka drawled vaguely: “I was thinking of asking you and dad for permission to go to the disco with the girls. We would take Tikhon with us. Would you go, huh, Tish?” Tikhon shook his head negatively: “No, Verun, I won’t go. Well, judge for yourself, what didn’t I see there? Girls who are drunk, high on smoke and half naked? What a “tempting” sight! Repent later... No, I don’t want to. I don't feel comfortable, you know? As soon as I think that our mother is “twitching” and jumping around like that, dad or you, it even becomes wild. No I do not want to. Your parents will let you go, so go yourself if you decide. I don't like girls like that who go to discos. And I don't like discos. That’s the kind of bear I am.” And the husband suggested: “Besides pounding water for the mortar, let me go with you.” It seems to be for security. And you, if you want, can dance. I’ll stand aside and won’t interfere.” Vera thought and agreed.

And so on Friday evening Vasily, Vera and her friends went “outside the fence.” I lit a lamp at home and began to pray, I was restless. But very little time passed, and our doorbell rang. We all at once (me, Tikhon and my mother-in-law) rushed to open it. The whole company of “dancers” literally burst into the door. Their faces were frightened.

Vasily, smiling mysteriously, silently gave the girls the opportunity to speak. And they vying with each other began to post: “Mommy! Dad stood aside and took a glass of juice from the bar, but the bartender was so dissatisfied that father didn’t buy any alcohol. Well, dad is drinking juice, and we are standing not far away, watching. Some are drunk, some are high on drugs, the music is so loud that you can’t hear anything, there is smoke, everyone is smoking! We didn’t even stand there for five minutes, and we didn’t feel like dancing. And then some guy comes up to us, squirms all over and begins to offer us to “work extra for tights,” for twenty dollars an hour, they say, “clients” are decent people, they won’t offend. As we heard, we quickly went to dad and ran home. That's how we danced! What if they went alone?! Horror, horror!” – the girls rolled their eyes and grabbed their cheeks with their hands. And the mother-in-law quietly added: “Truly hell on earth, these discos of yours. Sodom and Gomorrah, Lord, forgive.”

This incident sank into the soul of Vera and her friends so much that they, being already quite adults with fiancés, did not go to discos even with their boyfriends. My husband and I deeply believe that it was my fervent maternal prayer while the girls were “behind the fence” that saved, protected and brought admonition to the girls. And thank God that He heard the prayers of His sinful and unworthy servant. Thank God that Verochka was used to consulting with us and her friends had no reason not to trust us. This is how the Lord ruled - both simply and wisely.

“...IT’S TIME, SHE FALLED IN LOVE”

Verochka knew firsthand that love exists in the world. The girl knew that my dad and I loved each other and valued our family. I remember how, when I was just a child, Verochka often said: “How does this happen, Mommy? Our house is more comfortable than Diana’s (her friend), our food is the most delicious, and even the tea is the most delicious. And how do you do it all? You will have time everywhere, you will caress everyone and you will never get angry or scold anyone. And dad too...” I answered my daughter that all this happens and exists because we love each other. Our children are accustomed to the fact that everyone in our family thinks first of all about how to make the life of the rest of the family happy. We tried to be friendly, tried to please each other with care and attention. My father often brought home little things useful for the house (cutting boards, hot mats, dough spatulas) made with his own hands, which I was always happy about and did not hide my joy. I also often prepared surprises for my husband: I’ll cook my favorite dish, sew a shirt, knit a vest. And children were constantly invited to participate in such events. There were so many reasons for joy! And the guys knew: it will not be difficult for a loving heart to constantly take care of the welfare of those loved ones.

It so happened that the children understood: love contains everything and creates everything. We often had conversations with the children about God’s love for creation: the Lord’s love is sacrificial, and therefore, for the sake of saving man from eternal death, Christ endured the suffering of the cross and rose from the dead, “trampling down death by death.” God's love contains the whole world. So we, Christians, must be imitators of Christ and love our neighbor more than ourselves. And even more: we must love our enemies.

No matter how difficult it may seem, it is possible with God’s help. Love is a great creative feeling, a huge grateful and gracious work, love is nurtured and matured most of all in the family. The family is a school of love (at least for the laity).

We told our children that there is no such thing as unhappy love. There is unrequited love, but this is not a reason for suffering. A believer must learn to thank God for the fact that his beloved does not feel reciprocal feelings.

Conversations about love arose from time to time: if suddenly the children were present at the wedding, they saw the wedding. As I grew older, conversations about love began to arise based on the literature I read. Verochka and Tikhon unanimously declared that Katerina from “The Thunderstorm” is not at all a heroine and not “a ray of light in a dark kingdom,” my children did not like Katerina. They also didn’t like Natasha Rostova, “She’s kind of stupid.” A dummy, a worthless anemone. Poor Prince Andrei! God forbid anyone to experience this!” Yes, there were many such examples, and very often our small dining room in the evenings turned into a real list - there were heated debates about love. And the whole family unanimously participated in the discussion of a common topic.

But the children have grown up completely. They were sixteen years old. The guys were very nice: calm, balanced, reasonable, with a healthy sense of humor. Both were physically developed. Tikhon was a tall young man, and swimming had a beneficial effect on his build. Verochka was so tiny and fragile, just like a stem, like a flower on a long stem. My husband and I waited with anxiety and excitement for our children to suddenly understand: there is a person in the world “with whom it’s so cool to remain silent about anything.”

Around this time, Tikhon met Ksenia in the parish. Suddenly we noticed that the boy began to take special care of himself while getting ready for service. He himself carefully ironed and put his things in order, and was noticeably worried. The subject of the unrest was revealed to anyone, even a not too close look. The young people liked each other, and Vasily and I approved of our son’s choice. Ksenia was a sweet, modest girl, she was friends with our Verochka. Vasya chose the moment for a cautious conversation with Tikhon. What they talked about there - only God knows. But I am sure that Vasily taught his son to treat his beloved with care. In general, there were no particular difficulties with Tikhon. At first they were just friends with Ksenia. This friendship revealed to them that they were in love. Now Ksyusha is waiting for Tisha from the army, then a wedding, God willing. Of course, such mutual affection did not go unnoticed in the parish. Tikhon confessed many times and tried to suppress any sinful thoughts directed towards Ksenia. And the priest never refused the boy good advice and support. It's not an easy thing - love. The son understood that he was growing and changing, but he valued his feeling so much that he did not want to weaken his power over the growing organism even in his sleep. I was even afraid for him: exhausting cross-country runs in the evenings, long training sessions. When I complained about this, Tikhon, blushing, said embarrassedly: “Mom, you understand, I run around, swim, and sleep “without my hind legs,” I don’t even have dreams. And from idleness one dreams of all sorts of nonsense. Don't want!" With Tikhon everything turned out to be more or less simple. I can’t say the same about my daughter.

Verochka grew up as a romantic, sentimental, sensitive girl. She loved music, poetry, painting. And her first love was not entirely simple. One day the whole family watched a film in the cinema - a classic of Soviet cinema. We all loved this movie and could watch it many times. But after that memorable viewing, Verochka became somewhat thoughtful. Then the real film mania began. However, a certain pattern soon emerged: Vera stubbornly watched films with the participation of the same artist, about my age. But I was in no hurry to draw conclusions, I was afraid to frighten my daughter, to frighten her with inappropriate interference, I was afraid that Vera would withdraw. What if I’m wrong and nothing really happens to Vera? But no, something did happen to Vera. She fell in love.

Joyful and exciting experiences were replaced by despair. If at first my daughter fluttered around the apartment, humming something and her eyes shone with unearthly joy, then soon she began to think again and became absent-minded. And then I heard Vera crying in her room. Her eyes were always, as they say, “on the wet side.” The daughter became somehow especially vulnerable, she was all a wound. Whatever you say, there are already tears, quiet, bitter. Even if you just hold the girl close and caress her. And then I realized: the time to talk has come, we can’t put it off any longer.

The Lord Himself helped to find the right moment for a frank conversation. I entered my daughter’s room for some small change and found her crying while looking at a photograph of her favorite (her favorite) artist. I carefully asked if anyone had offended her? No, no one offended her. Then what's the matter? Verochka cried silently. She could not speak from tears. And I decided to start the conversation myself. I hugged my daughter, pressed her to me, began kissing the top of her head, stroking her trembling shoulders, I really felt very sorry for her. Soon the crying began to subside. And I asked: “Do you love this person?” The daughter nodded desperately. She, apparently, was waiting for me to start dissuading her, telling her to “throw this stupidity out of her head, this is not love, it seems so, etc.” But I knew that it would not be so easy to implement such a proposal. “How good! How wonderful, you finally know what love is!” – I told my daughter. She answered me through sobs: “What’s good here? After all, he doesn’t even know about me, doesn’t know that I love him so much. It hurts so much, mommy. Maybe I should write him a letter?” I asked: “And what will you write to him? They say, you don’t know me, but I love you... You are so good, so wonderful, I’ve watched all your films... You can, of course, write like that. Just think about it, is it possible that your hot message will go straight to the trash bin unread? Maybe they bring him three bags of such letters every day and he, like any other person, simply wants not to receive such letters anymore? If you love him, then you should be concerned about the peace of your loved one. And he will receive your letter and gets angry: “groupies again.” Yes, you cannot offend with love. But you can get bored. Like the same “Demyanov’s ear”. No, daughter, you came up with a bad idea with the letter.”

Vera again suggested: “Well, maybe find out where he works and meet him and tell him. Or get acquainted, communicate, talk..."

And I thought out loud: “Yes, this is an option. But you know, this is what I’m afraid of: what if you’re not the only one waiting for him? You come with the hope of personal communication, and there is a crowd of girls or women in love, thirsting for his attention, and imagine: each of them thinks that she loves more than anyone and that she is the one worthy of the love of her lover, that she is the one who can make him happy. Here he comes out of the door, and a crowd of distraught women rushes at him. And so every day for many years in a row. And in this crowd you are with your sincere and pure feeling. Only he doesn’t know about it, for him you are one of the crowd depriving him of the much-desired peace after a hard day. A meeting is an option, but I don’t know if it’s a good option? How do you think?" The daughter bit her lips: “Mommy, what should I do? Why am I so unhappy? I’ve been suffering all my life now...”

I again hastened to console the upset girl: “What should I do? In my opinion, nothing needs to be done. After all, no one is stopping you from loving him. So love, rejoice in your feeling, thank God for giving you the joy of loving.” Verochka raised her wet eyes at me: “What’s there to be happy about? After all, he will never know about my love...” - “It’s good that he won’t know. And don't look at me like I'm a fanatic. Think about it, if this person is the same age as me or my dad, then he probably has a family and children. What if he responds to your love? What will happen? There will be a reason for fornication. Or fornication itself. You're not sure if he's a believer, are you? And then you will find yourself the destroyer of someone else's marriage. That's one thing. And the other thing, you know, I don’t mean your lover specifically. It may, of course, turn out that he is a highly moral and highly moral person, perhaps he is very sensitive and wise. Maybe he would have had good consoling words for you and you would not have felt disadvantaged, offended or ridiculed. But believe me, not everyone can stand the test of fame. Many stumble over their own popularity and, unnoticed by themselves, turn into narcissistic egoists who are indifferent to the feelings of others. It often happens that popular artists consider almost everything possible for themselves. And what is considered a sin for us is a familiar and completely normal activity for them. What a disappointment you would have experienced then! No, daughter, the Lord acted very wisely with you: you love, you are saved from unfaithful hobbies by unfaithful people. And at the same time, by forced separation, you are saved from temptations: what if an adult man, spoiled by female attention, will not be able to cope with temptation and will take advantage of your inexperience. You yourself have no idea how attractive your youth and inexperience are. And how difficult it is not to succumb to the tricks of the evil one, who seduces people with lustful thoughts.

So try not to anger God with your complaints. Better yet, let's try to figure out why you consider yourself unhappy? After all, you love. This is such happiness! You suffer because you cannot give happiness to your loved one. But then what do you consider happiness for him? Care, attention, care for him? But such things have not only a material expression, but also a spiritual one. You can take care of more than just cooking dinner or washing your socks. Prayer is also a concern, and perhaps much more significant than ordinary everyday care. And no one will forbid you to pray. So pray for him. May the Lord, through your prayers, grant this person health, send guardian angels, assist him in all his works and good undertakings, may the Lord, in His great mercy, protect him from evil and untruth. Try it, and you will feel how pain and melancholy will disappear from your soul and joy, peace and tranquility will return.”

By the end of the conversation, Verochka was no longer so sad. Hope appeared in her eyes. She asked me: does she need confession? I advised my daughter to confess her despondency, despair, murmuring and inability to thank God for all His mercy towards her, inability to appreciate love.

But I cannot say that Verochka’s love passed quickly, I cannot say that her suffering ended in an instant. Her feeling was strong and long enough. For about two years my daughter loved this man. She somehow went deep into herself, girlish fun and entertainment of her peers did not interest her. Vera found something else to do: she and I began going to my hospital (by that time I had returned to work), to the department of abandoned children. Vera devoted all her free time to the unfortunate “cuckoo babies”; she brought home heaps of diapers, vests and washed, ironed, and darned. Her soul somehow opened up to meet those who were initially deprived of love. We continued to be frank with our daughter, she said that there are moments when “melancholy rises to the very throat, the whole world seems disliked and hateful,” but now she knows: it is the demons that confuse her, casting sadness and despondency. Now she knows the right remedy for this obsession - prayer. “You will pray, mommy, read an akathist to the Sweetest Jesus, to the Most Holy Theotokos, and all the troubles, and all the sadness - so small, so stupid. After all, I love, I don’t kill, I don’t go crazy and I don’t decide in my madness to take my life “out of unhappy love.” I’ll remember the guys, I’ll be happy for Tisha and Ksenia, there are so many things left undone... And the strength comes from somewhere. And also, you know, when I pray in the morning, I always thank him for being in the world. And I thank the Lord. And then everything is completely different. So good, so bright, as if I was born again and saw or remembered everything for the first time.”

At this time, the daughter prepared especially carefully for confession and confessed often, often trying to receive communion. Our father was careful with Verochka, constantly consoled her and encouraged her, always found a kind word and a reason for praise to support her. By that time, Vera began to sing in the choir. The Lord gave her good hearing and a soulful voice. The sister regent patiently taught my daughter the intricacies of choir singing. Vera graduated from school without “C” grades and entered a music school in the choral singing department. And there is Pavel. But that's a completely different story.

This is how Vera and I had a complicated first love. But God preserved: my girl did not get angry, she did not despair, she did not go astray. This love brought her even closer to the Church. True, one incident happened: Vera admitted in a private conversation to the priest that it would probably be better for her to go to a monastery. And the priest asked her: “What, Verochka, “there is no happiness in life,” right? And who will bear your children for you? Who will marry your husband? When you are forty years old, you will not get married, you will not have children, then perhaps you should think about whether the Lord has prepared for you the outfit of Christ’s bride? In the meantime, don't despair. After all, people go to a monastery by calling, because they love God. Why are you going there? Because they don’t love you, “out of grief.” Why can’t you stand it? Come on, don't be stupid. God will give you happiness, “don’t be afraid, just believe.” Understood?" And Verochka remained in the world. And he doesn’t regret it at all.

I know that such a “trouble” as love for artists and singers is not such a rare thing. How much suffering and disappointment, how much useless war between children and parents. And it seems that there is no way out. There is an exit. And if children suddenly happen to fall seriously and for a long time in love with “stars,” then this feeling of your child must be respected. No one is to blame for what happened like this. You need to teach your child: “...cast your sorrow on the Lord and He will nourish you.”

CAPTIVITY OF DESIRE

My daughter and I first had a conversation about relationships between adult men and women around the same time I was telling her about the upcoming cyclical changes in her body. I then told my daughter that soon she would be able to conceive and bear children. And my daughter “reasonably” noted that “children, mom, don’t come out of thin air.” Of course, not out of thin air. From Vera’s words, I concluded: the topic of marital relations had already been discussed among her friends. But Vera seemed to expect the conversation to continue on such a topic. Yes, I myself did not want adult relationships to become revelations for my daughter that came from someone else’s lips. I wanted to prepare the girl for the fact that close relationships between a man and a woman are not mere pleasure - these relationships have a hidden spiritual meaning. A woman’s honor is like a fragile flower that we must try to protect from the corrupting influence of carnal passions.

The conversation with my daughter was long and detailed. We touched on all the issues that interested her. To begin with, we returned to the fact that the Lord Himself, with His most pure fingers, sculpted man. Everything in a person is necessary, useful, and, of course, pure, since it was created by the Lord in purity of thoughts. It could not have been otherwise, since the Lord is Most Pure, but sin has so distorted human nature that now mankind is inclined to sin. And often a person is seduced by his own body. For example, out of the need to nourish oneself, it is very easy to slip into gluttony. An ordinary organ is the tongue, it produces speech, but how much it can sin! A person sees and looks with his eyes, but his eyes also tempt him to theft, envy, and finally fornication. But this is why man is given the ability to think, so that he hears the voice of conscience and does not act sinfully. Many sinful acts began to be persecuted at the state level: theft, murder, robbery, corruption of children, violence. But there are sins that a person, having forgotten about God, ceased to consider a sin. Such sins include carnal relations between a man and a woman outside of marriage.

I told my daughter that her growing up is responsible not only in relation to her health. Growing up is fraught with inability to cope with passions, and teenagers often find themselves unable to tame the violence of their growing hormonal system. At all times, people grew and matured. But our ancestors humbled the flesh of their growing sons and daughters by trying to load them with physical work. So that there is no time and energy left for other entertainment. And besides, Christianity played a leading role in the lives of our ancestors. According to the principles of Christian morality, the very thoughts of fornication are considered unacceptable.

And now everything has changed. Man forgot about afterlife, and therefore many actions ceased to be considered a sin. This happened, for example, with girlish innocence. Modern boys and girls consider virginity as something that prevents them from fully enjoying an idle life, and without regret (for the most part) part with their innocence. Moreover, many young men and women cannot wait for the time when they will finally be able to do it. Teenagers are caught in the nets that dirty dealers set for them: shameless magazines, shameless photographs, songs with a “double bottom”, fashion for seductive clothes, bright, provocative cosmetics.

“But you, like every Christian believer, should know that such behavior is unacceptable for any person, and especially for a Christian,” I told Vera. And she added: “An Orthodox girl should not enter into intimate relationships before marriage, even with her future husband. This is a violation of God's commandment, this is fornication. But a fornicator, as you know, will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Moreover, an Orthodox girl should not behave in such a way that the men around her are seduced by her. Demons do not sleep. And your chastity should not be violated by a single thought of carnal sin. And don’t be afraid to be considered outdated. Your chastity will be appreciated by your spouse; chastity is one of the most highly respected virtues.” –

And Vera asked: “What, you can’t use cosmetics either?” I answered: “Actually speaking, cosmetics as a skin care product, as a means of maintaining health, are a useful thing. But this does not apply to decorative cosmetics. As a rule, our women do not know how to use it. They paint their face so much that you can’t even see your face. What for? It’s especially wild to look at young girls using cosmetics excessively. And the skin also grows and also changes. All processes are very active and difficult for the body.

And especially sensitive facial skin is poisoned with all sorts of cream-powders, they seal the pores, preventing the skin from breathing normally and losing dead cells. Frightening pimples and ulcers begin to appear, they are fought even harder, and all in the same ways, that is, with the help of decorative cosmetics. The result is disastrous.

The girl must be cleanly washed. Her youth and freshness are the best outfit. And decorative cosmetics somehow attract the attention of the opposite sex. Is a young, inexperienced girl able to resist the pressure of some men? Sometimes not. Well, you can’t blame men for this either. If I had behaved more modestly, nothing bad would have happened. And then, look at the icons. And imagine St. Sophia with makeup or St. Catherine with lipstick. Is it really blasphemous? You see, these holy women are amazingly beautiful even without makeup. If you lead a healthy lifestyle, if you don’t overload yourself with food and excessive drinking, if you observe moderation in everything, then you won’t have to use decorative cosmetics. Everything will be fresh and natural.”

A little later, two years later, Vera came to me for more advice. “Mom, just don’t scold me. I don't want to ask for myself. Here you are a gynecologist. And I have one friend, it’s a secret who. Anyway, she has a boyfriend and they are going to get married. She asked me to find out from you how to use it,” the daughter blurted out this tirade in one breath and froze, waiting for an answer. I answered: “The best way to protect yourself is not to have close relationships.” “You see, mom, they love each other so much that this has already happened. But it’s too early to talk about children before the wedding, you know?” “Vera, do you really justify premarital relations? What kind of love is this if young people commit fornication? No, don’t think that I’m judging the guys, but I won’t help them, forgive me. I don't know what you'll say to your friend. But if she is really dear to you, then you will find words that will help her end the premarital relationship. Verochka, just remember, I told you: before, even a kiss was an insult to a girl’s honor. A young man who encroached on a girl’s honor had to marry her without delay. The one who deprived a girl of her innocence was obliged to marry her almost the next day. If you take one sin on your soul, do not allow another sin.

What will happen to your friend? Where is the guarantee that they will get married? Let something unexpected happen and they will separate. And the person who really sincerely loves your friend will receive this “reward”. You know, I had a classmate at the institute. She considered herself ugly and therefore did not refuse the guy who was persistent in his courtship. No arguments had any effect on her; she tried to “catch her happiness” in this way. But they used it like a thing and abandoned it. So she lived to be over thirty years old. She hasn't had a man since those long ago. And then she met a man who loved her, deeply, sincerely. And she married him. The man did not reproach her for not being innocent. But how she cried one day when we met! How she regretted that she hastened to part with her honor, which she could have preserved without much effort. She could not save herself for her husband, whom she also sincerely loved, she could not save herself for the one who gave her the happiness of being loved and the happiness of becoming a mother. They are married and happy, but she still cannot forgive herself for her previous behavior.”

At that time, Vera was just experiencing her first love, and I was going to take her to the department of abandoned children. And so we came to the hospital. Verochka was shocked by what she saw. I accompanied my story with comments: “The mother of this girl is your unmarried peer. This boy’s mother doesn’t know exactly who his father is; he was conceived while drunk, which is why they abandoned him. This boy has no arms, a fifteen-year-old teenage girl tried to get rid of him. Here is a blind girl, they poisoned her with pills, they tried to kill her even before birth. And all these children are left here because they are the fruit of extramarital “love”. But these are living children, some of them may be adopted.

But every day our surgical gynecology carries out buckets of bloody “abortion material” - children ruined in the womb. And more and more often, girls who are barely fifteen or sixteen years old are turning to us with a request to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. And how many of our surgeons “sew up” those who terminated their pregnancy outside the walls of a medical institution?! And how many women and girls die during this procedure, because it is carried out “blindly”. And how many women then remain childless? What about the surge in sexually transmitted diseases? This, my girl, is “love.” You asked: how to protect yourself? Only chastity. Nothing more reliable than this has been invented and cannot be invented. Remember this and tell your friend.” It must be said that this “cold shower” finally sobered Vera. She never again said that if you love, then “you can.” She became convinced that if you really love, then “you can’t.” Love is responsibility for your loved one, not the pursuit of pleasure.

BRIDE

Verochka was already in her second year of music school when Pavel appeared in her life. He was the brother of her classmate and every evening he came to the school to meet his sister and walk her home. Pavel himself was eight years older than Vera and her sister; by that time he had graduated from college and was working as a programmer. Pavel was a calm and very balanced young man. It so happened that first Pavel and Katya accompanied Vera home and only then went to their home. The young people talked about a lot, and soon Vera felt that Pavel was not indifferent to her and she was also not indifferent to him. Vera was scared. She told me: “Mom, I’m so embarrassed! After all, just recently I said and felt that I loved another person. And now I look forward to every evening with joy and impatience, because Paul will come. Mom, am I not a harlot? Am I not a traitor? After all, I betrayed my first love, fell out of love...” I hastened to console my daughter: “You see, Verochka, your first love, despite the fact that it was pure and beautiful, was still doomed to fade away. This is like a test of your feelings, your heart and mind. The Lord was testing you to see if you were ready for a serious relationship, whether you were responsible for yourself and your loved one, whether you would be able to save yourself from stupid actions. Your first love was quite a serious feeling. But you begged God, He preserved you and gave you the opportunity to experience a feeling that you can carry throughout your whole life. You are not a traitor. But don’t rush to conclusions now. You shouldn’t “wind up” yourself, you shouldn’t rush towards the desired happiness, to feel what it means to be loved. You need to restrain yourself, not let your dreams and fantasies run wild. And don’t forget to pray, may the Lord reveal to you whether this is your betrothed.”

Soon Vera shared another piece of news with me. Paul, it turned out, was potentially a believer. He was not baptized, but, as a physicist and mathematician (very talented), he understood perfectly well that all talk and theories about evolution were nonsense and lies. A mind that arose by chance cannot be so majestic and powerful. Man cannot be a play of nature; the physical processes to which our world is subject cannot flow from the world itself. According to Paul, our entire world is evidence of someone’s infinitely intelligent vision, the fruit of someone’s grandiose labor. It did not occur to Paul to connect his premonition of the imminent Truth with God. He kept thinking that our “civilization” was brought from somewhere from outer space by aliens. Faith confused Paul; she once told him that machines, mechanisms and writing can be “attributed” to aliens (if a person does not believe in God). But civilization is a social phenomenon. And Paul is amazed by the universal laws. Can aliens create the entire Universe? Paul was amazed: “It’s true. I didn't think of something. Who did all this then?” Vera replied: “Of course, God.” Paul began to object: “Why God?” Vera was not at a loss: “Why not? Is it because you don’t know anything about Him?” Pavel thought about it. And then he asked to go to church. His requests became more and more persistent, and when Vera brought a young man to our house to introduce him to us, his first request was: “Tamara Evgenievna, Vasily Pavlovich, please influence Vera, she does not take me to church.” Vera replied that she wanted to see if Paul’s desire was not a whim and a fleeting desire. After several conversations with our priest, Pavel was baptized. He sincerely believed and tried to take communion as often as possible. Verochka was happy for him, and we shared our daughter’s joy.

We all really liked Pavel. He was so easy to communicate with, and very soon he and Vasily could not live a day without each other. Pavel tried to help Vasily in everything, because Tikhon had already left to serve in the army. Together with her husband, they made something, hammered, soldered, twisted. And in the evening, Pavel invariably asked Vasily, me and my mother-in-law for permission to take a walk with Vera for an hour and a half. He was punctual and was never late from his walk. He was attentive to us, and his mother-in-law was completely fascinated by him. Pasha did not have a grandmother, and he treated Vera’s grandmother with tenderness.

Verochka blossomed. She never tired of thanking God for His good care of her, for the fact that she had met such a wonderful young man. Pavel treated Vera very carefully; he did not allow himself to encroach on her honor. I tried not to offend her with either an overt touch, an ambiguous word, or a careless glance. Verochka even joked joyfully: “Oh, mom, just like in the ditty: “My little one is like a calf, if only he could chew brooms: he walked me home, he couldn’t kiss me.” So good! I don’t think at all that Pavel is trying to get his own pleasure from communicating with me. He's not like that. He takes such good care of me! God bless!" And I had no doubt that Vera does not give her chosen one reasons for lust. And Verochka constantly monitored the purity of her thoughts, she often confessed and talked with the priest.

The children, having dated for a year, came to us for a blessing for marriage. Vasily and I were already thinking about this, because everything was going that way. And we decided that if the children decide to get married, we will not interfere with them and dissuade Vera - they say, it’s too early for you to get married, you’re only nineteen years old, they say, finish school, and then get married. God willing, our girl will be able to do everything: she can handle the housework, please her husband, and her studies will never leave her. Therefore, when Pavel and Vera fell to their knees in front of us and bowed their heads, asking for a blessing, the grandmother, shedding tears of joy, brought out the Kazan Icon, and we blessed the children. They decided to get married after Lent, on Krasnaya Gorka. Father blessed them and approved probation, chosen by the children themselves: then the Assumption Fast had just passed and it was necessary to wait six months or a little more to get to Krasnaya Gorka.

The guys spent their time before the wedding modestly. Nothing changed in their relationship: they did not lock themselves in their room, did not seek privacy or become somewhat closer. They were so afraid to offend the Lord, who gave them happiness, with excessive freedom. mutual love, they were afraid to offend each other, that I was even worried: were they too zealous, were they too strict? But no, they took care of each other, remaining sensitive and attentive, without pretense. All the struggle and all the severity remained within them; they each looked after themselves, and not each other. Vera sewed her wedding dress herself: she chose a good style, together we chose the fabric, very modest and simple. The highlight of Verochka’s dress was the hand-embroidered white satin stitch. And Vera’s veil was patiently crocheted by her mother-in-law (Verina’s grandmother). We tried to dissuade her from this time-consuming and painstaking task, but the grandmother was adamant, she was determined to please her beloved “granddaughter Pashenka.”

So they got married. The wedding was modest - only relatives and closest friends. After the wedding, the children went on a short pilgrimage to holy places. I wasn’t worried about my daughter’s ability to cope with everyday life. Thank God, Verochka knew how to do everything for me: clean up the house, do the laundry, cook, sew, knit, and manage money wisely. She was an affectionate girl, non-conflict, patient. And most importantly, she did not shy away from any kind of work and knew for sure: husband and wife were given by God to each other not for joy and amusement, husband and wife are each other’s helpers on the path to the Kingdom of God. In a family, you must first of all think and care about the welfare of your neighbors.

After the wedding, Pavel and Vera moved to live in a cooperative apartment that Vasily and I had once built. Soon the Lord blessed them with children. Verochka keeps joking: “And who do we all have twins and twins like? No other way than in Tikhon.” Her and Pasha’s children are growing up healthy and calm. The children have been baptized and are regularly brought to communion. Vera and Pavel live amicably - as they say, soul to soul. And thank God. If it weren’t for Him, if it weren’t for His mercy towards us, I don’t know how our children would grow up, what kind of old age would await us. After all, what a troubled time has come! Even worse than before. Old ideas have been forgotten, new ones have not yet taken hold, and what is happening around is scary to think about. For my non-believing classmates and classmates, the grown-up children brought a lot of tears: someone got involved with the mafia and disappeared in pursuit of money, someone learned to drink, and there are even more terrible cases. In a word, the longer I live, the more clearly I understand: “Without God, there is no way.” That’s what Grandma Lisa used to say, and now I teach that to my grandchildren. What else can I say? And there is nothing more to say. Now I pray to God that He will not abandon with His mercy all those who helped us, prayed for us, rejoiced and grieved with us.

INSTEAD OF AN AFTERWORD

Verochka gave birth to twins again. This time there were two girls, they were named Evdokia and Elizaveta - in honor of their great-grandmothers.

Is it difficult to raise children nowadays? Of course it's difficult. However, it was never easy with children. Children are our conscience, our reflection, our past, looking at us from our future. What they are now is what we once were within ourselves. We are horrified when we look at the morals of today's teenagers and young people. But we are able to fix everything. The doors of the temples are open, the Lord is waiting for us, mothers, with our children, He has extended His good embrace to us, and we need to hurry. And there is no need to be afraid. It's never too late to come to God. But this, without a doubt, needs to be done as early as possible. Remember, dear sisters and mothers, as the Lord said: “Be of good cheer, daughter!” And there are many who dare, many who never tire of knocking, and the door is opened for them. Their girls are still very small, but for some reason it is believed that these are the girls who will be able to give birth and raise a generation of people who will become proud not only of their parents, but will also serve their Fatherland for the benefit and work for the glory of the Church.

“Let the children come to Me.” Let me in, bring me, come. The Lord loves and waits for us all.

In the St. Petersburg studio of the SOYUZ TV channel, the dean of the Faculty of Psychology of the Russian Orthodox University and the clergyman of the Church of Cosmas and Damian in Shubin (Moscow), priest Peter Kolomeytsev, answered questions from viewers.

– Christ is Risen, dear brothers and sisters, dear TV viewers. The topic of our program today: “Orthodox education of a teenager.”

Our guest is Father Peter Kolomeytsev, a Christian psychologist in the field of special psychology, dean of the psychological faculty of the Moscow Orthodox Institute named after the Apostle John the Theologian, confessor of rehabilitation centers for seriously ill children and orphans, cleric of the Church of Saints Cosmas and Damian in Moscow.

Father Peter, thank you that, despite a very busy day, you were able to come to us in the evening. Bless our conversation.

- Christ is Risen!

– Our topic is devoted to the Orthodox education of a teenager, that is, the period when the child is no longer small, has graduated primary school, he is rather closer to high school students. When raising a child of this age, parents face a number of problems. While preparing for today's program, I read a forum where parents write about these problems, and I got the feeling that the main problem of an Orthodox family with a teenager is that the child no longer wants to go to church. In your opinion, is reluctance to go to church really a problem, and the biggest one?

– In general, there are actually more problems. This is only an external expression of the problem. There is a famous saying that every person has three stages in life. One - when he believed in Father Frost, another - when he did not believe in him, and the third - when he himself became Father Frost.

In fact, a teenager inevitably partes with his childhood faith, with the form in which it was clothed, with those ideas, but his adult faith has not yet been formed. Archpriest Vasily Zenkovsky writes that there is even a period of “spontaneous teenage atheism.” And this must be treated very carefully, because it is impossible to return the child back to the mother’s womb, it is impossible to return it to childhood, we must work with changes in his ideas about the world. These ideas must somehow change, and faith must deepen.

In the class where my daughter studied and where I taught the Law of God, there was such a case. One boy said: “I don’t believe in God,” and the school was Orthodox-oriented. And I asked him:

- Which one?

- What do you mean which one?

– What is He, Your God, in Whom you do not believe?

And the boy began to tell that this god is such and such. To which I replied:

- Well, you and I are like-minded people. “I don’t believe in such a god either,” and extended his hand.

He says:

– What god do you believe in?

– This is what we will do in class and try to talk about what God really is like.

First of all, this very important restructuring is taking place. Secondly, the child begins to gradually develop his independence, because adolescence is a very important period, a period of a kind of second birth. When a child comes out of the mother’s womb, the umbilical cord comes off, he is still emotionally and mentally very attached to his parents, he almost shouts: “Mom!” It is clear that he cannot live long in this state, otherwise he will not become an independent person, he will not create his own family.

And so this separation from parents occurs, and new relationships with parents are formed, relationships that are already based on respect, on recognition of the authority of parents, on a sense of the value of what they transmit, that is, involvement in some roots, history, clan. It is very important. Because sometimes parents try to somehow return the child to the mother’s womb. This is impossible. We must understand that the child must be given reasons for authority, it must be earned, it must be told how he is connected through his parents with the clan, tribe, Fatherland, etc. That is, a completely different unity is being formed. And parents sometimes think: why, before the child shouted “mom, dad,” but now he doesn’t, which means he has stopped loving. No, we should be glad that another, more conscious period in his life is coming.

As for spontaneous atheism, as the same Archpriest Vasily Zenkovsky says, it is very important that parents not so much preach and talk about faith as testify with their lives. It is very important how exactly this faith is translated into their lives: how they live, act, think in accordance with their faith. There are indeed very serious questions here. Because children, especially teenagers, are very sensitive to falsehood. And if parents say one thing and do something completely different, if faith for them turns out to be something external, a façade, then this is the worst thing they can demonstrate to their child. Because a teenager must understand that faith is what is the core, the support in his life.

– Before the program, a question came from one of the priests, to whom the teenager told in confession that he felt: in church his parents pray, are baptized, take communion, but at home, where other Orthodox Christians do not see them, they behave completely differently. He feels this contradiction and is horrified by what is happening. Can you give some advice to Father?

– We must speak seriously here. Firstly, you should not say: “Yes, your parents are Pharisees” or, conversely: “No, you don’t understand anything, you’re slandering them.” Answers like these won't help.

You can say this: “It’s good for you: you live in an environment where faith is not prohibited, churches are open, where you won’t be kicked out of work for professing your faith, where you won’t be expelled from the institute, where you won’t be imprisoned for religious activity. Therefore, conditions have now been created where faith is not shared with your life. But there was another time in which your parents lived and were raised, when open confession of one’s faith could cost many people their careers, etc.

Therefore, the habit has subconsciously taken hold that there are very small spaces where you can show your faith. And, most likely, the parents were raised at that time, and we can say that they still do not have enough strength to remain in this state all the time. For them, coming to church is a holiday where they can not worry, show their faith and feel simple and free. But at work and even in everyday life this is not yet the case. And in this sense it’s easier for you: you live in a different time.”

“It turns out that he needs to find the strength to continue to love his parents and, as in the Old Testament story of Noah, to cover for his parent.

– It is clear that we treat our parents without criticism, like the weather, that is, we try to understand them. And first of all, we must understand that our parents grew up in a different time. I remember that my mother was very worried that I was fasting, that at the institute they would see that I was fasting. Now she freely goes to church, and she doesn’t have such thoughts, but then, as she says, she trembled every day: what would happen, and if they expelled from the institute, etc. Because she was accustomed to, let’s say, secrecy and believed that I neglected secrecy and often opened up and spoke freely. And she was afraid: you’ll come to an agreement somewhere.

– Looking through social networks and what teenagers are talking about, I got the impression that now are times when it is not very fashionable for a teenager, high school student or first-year student to be Orthodox among their peers. If you are an Orthodox Christian and go to church, you may even be ridiculed. In a sense, times are repeating themselves. How can a young person maintain faith in an environment that has a negative attitude towards it?

– By the way, this test of public opinion in an era when nothing is prohibited can be even more difficult. Because in times of persecution, people might not share your views, but they respected them. Let's say, a person with religious views - a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim - aroused respect because this person went against society, against the system. In this sense, he even received internal respect, which could well be perceived as support for such a position.

Of course, the most serious test of faith comes in an era when everything is permitted. And we see that many do not pass this test of freedom. They cannot stand it in Europe either, in those countries where faith has never been prohibited and there has never been persecution for faith. The former socialist countries of Eastern (or Central) Europe and the former Soviet Union are also coming to this conclusion. This is the time when faith directly encounters the spirit of this age. That is, this is a test that goes against the atheism and anticlericalism that the enemy of the human race sows.

Of course, other mechanisms are at work there as well. Any person who opposes himself to the Church most often does this because he does not want to work on himself, on changing himself: to repent, to fast, he does not want any spiritual work. And the best excuse is the same as Satan’s: everyone is like that, people are doing nonsense. It’s not me who is bad in anything, it’s not me who needs to repent and improve, no, everything is fine with me: everyone lives like that, and I live like that. People just do stupid things, and I find it funny that they do it. This is what Christ meant when he said, “You will be persecuted.” Because if everyone lives like this, and suddenly there is one righteous person who doesn’t live like that, he will already irritate everyone. What about everything if one is no longer there? And the irritation will be very strong. Therefore, Christ says that he brought love, but he also did not bring peace, but, it turns out, a sword that divides even relatives. Precisely because sin will never agree that holiness is the norm.

Therefore, we need to tell the teenager that to be yourself, to be different from everyone else, this also requires courage. And that this may be no less serious confession. When everyone's attitude is negative, without judging others, nevertheless maintain your own. And here you must not doubt, but still believe and trust, trust yourself and the voice that is within you. And following everyone’s lead and being like everyone else doesn’t require much courage, this is just the simplest path. Therefore, we must prepare for the fact that it is difficult, difficult, condemned, and someone may even turn away. At the same time, do not fall into condemnation of other people, any demonstration of your faith, proud opposition of yourself. That is, this path is not easy and very subtle.

– Is a person responsible for turning someone away from the Church and God through his behavior?

“The Lord said that whoever seduces one of these little ones would better have a millstone hung around his neck and drowned.” After all, this is treacherous - it breaks the faith of other people. When people tempt others with their behavior, especially if they belong to the Church and especially if they belong to the clergy, then the condemnation because of your ugly actions passes on to the entire Church. The Apostle Paul once said that for him, sacrifice to idols is nothing, because an idol is nothing. And yet he said that it would be better to never eat any meat at all, just so as not to tempt someone. This is so important and serious. And, of course, all churchgoers and especially clergy especially feel this attentive, close gaze and condemnation.

But those who want to find fault, want to condemn, will continue to condemn, you won’t please them here. And if we are talking about a person who is just looking for his path, then, of course, it is very important that there be sincerity. So that a person can see that Christians not only can make mistakes, but that they can repent, ask for forgiveness, that they can worry about the fact that something doesn’t work out for them, and that this is the normal way of a Christian - to get up and fall, fall and get up.

– If a young man understands that in the Church, in the temple, the priest does not behave as he expected, how can he overcome this temptation?

– I really liked how one priest answered, to whom residents from a neighboring village came:

“Why did you come to me to baptize your child? You have your own temple, your own priest.” - “Well, father, you know about this temple and this priest what everyone knows about him?” - “What are you up to? How many sins does he forgive you for, why can’t you pray for him? Come to him and take his blessing to gather in church every week in the evening and pray with the akathist “Inexhaustible Chalice” for his health.”

Then I asked how the story ended. People went and took the priest’s blessing. At first he simply gave them the key, they came and read the akathist. Then he began to come in and watch them read the akathist about him. And then he was sincerely grateful to them for begging him off.

In this case, people felt that the priest was responsible for them, but they never prayed for him. Have you at least once remembered your, one might say, spiritual mentor during morning or evening prayer? Not even once. It was they who abandoned him to his fate. So this is a real case.

– By the way, it allows us to look at some of our problems from a different angle. The transfer time flies by, more than half of our conversation has already passed. Can you ask for an educational program for parents whose child is already a teenager, a future student, and tell them what they shouldn’t do? Let's say five things that should not be done with a teenager if we want to preserve his mental health.

– Firstly, you cannot disrespect a teenager, show disrespect, neglect, or arrogance towards him: who are you? yes you are nobody. It is impossible not to listen to his opinion, not to respect him, not to try to somehow come to an agreement. You cannot lead an ambiguous life, that is, say one thing, but in reality broadcast another - this is truly disorienting. You can't humiliate.

It seems to me that it is very important not to identify a teenager with the bad situations in which he finds himself. That is, you cannot label him: you are a bad person, you are a scoundrel, you do bad things. And, for example, say this: you are doing bad things, you have not yet been able to overcome some things, but you will overcome it. You cannot undermine a teenager’s faith in his original righteousness, because he is created in the image and likeness of God, and assume that everyone is intended by God to be good, and he is intended to be bad.

You can’t undermine your faith in God’s love when your parents constantly say: God will punish you, etc. God loves you: He was crucified for you, He gave his life for you - this is the most important thing. And most of all, God wants your happiness, wants you to be saved, so that you realize the gifts that He gave you, so that bad things don’t happen to you. I think this is the most important thing.

– If, nevertheless, situations occur when contact with a daughter or son is disrupted, who, for example, went to study in another city and behaves there completely differently from how he was raised all these years. How can parents find strength?

Remember that sometimes a person has his own special path. One mother prayed for thirty years for her son, who led a sinful life and had extramarital affairs. In the end, she somehow begged him off. He wrote the book “Confessions”, he became a saint - this is St. Augustine. And she was canonized because she never stopped praying for him. Her example is also very illustrative.

The most important thing is for the child to know that in any situation, no matter what happens to him, parental love and God’s love are irrevocable, they are with him. And even when he finds himself in a completely bad situation, his parents still stay with him and continue to love him. And God continues to love him. And yet they believe in him.

– You need to believe in your child to the last.

– And also to love, and to love without conditions. And then it happens: I love you if you do this, but if that, then I don’t love you. There is such a very strange question: “Why should I love you?” They love so much for no reason, but they love in spite of everything. Why does the Lord love us? Yes, it seems like there’s nothing special about it. But He loves.

– People are also concerned about the issue of punishment: what other measures of influence could there be, besides talking?

– It’s interesting that the word “punishment” itself means “teaching.” At the beginning of the school year, we pray “for the good discipline of the youths.” It’s not about them being punished well, but about them learning good things. That is, punishment is, first of all, teaching. Therefore, it seems to me that there should be some kind of conclusion in the punishment - how to avoid ending up in such a situation, how to get out of it with dignity. This is the first.

Secondly, it seems to me that the main thing is not punishment, but help. The situation is ugly, but parents are still ready to help the child and untangle even the complex, tangled knots of life.

– It turns out that punishments in the Soviet understanding of the word – a belt, a corner – are unacceptable?

– There was an absolutely wonderful man, whom his parents raised very strictly: they put him under icons in a corner on peas, and used methods of physical influence on him. The man grew up to be a very good man indeed, an exceptionally intelligent and highly moral person. Yes, he knew the entire Book of Hours by heart and could read the Six Psalms in the temple without a book. He had a very good attitude towards faith, but he chose a distant path for himself and did not even take communion on his deathbed. This is Anton Pavlovich Chekhov.

Although, when we read his stories, for example the story “Student”, we see what a deep attitude he has towards faith. He renovated the church on his estate at his own expense. He still had some kind of internal relationship with God, but his external churchliness was poisoned by the upbringing he received in childhood. For him it was one big trauma.

– How can a parent understand that he is not educating, but traumatizing a child?

“I remember once a priest, who had many children, shouted something very loudly at one of his children, and his mother shouted to him from the kitchen: “Father of the name, your children will be atheists!”

And it somehow made him think.

How does the Lord act in the Gospel? Does He stamp His feet, does He throw a stone at the sinner who was brought to Him? We see that the Lord is extremely delicate, He is very careful. Of course, he shouts at the Pharisees, at the money changers in the temple. It happens that He raises His voice against those who consider themselves as servants of the temple, but turn it into a den of robbers.

The Lord says: “Woe to you, Pharisees,” but “woe to you, sinners, woe to you, fornicators,” etc. never speaks. He says that he came not to the righteous, but to sinners, like a doctor to the sick.

– That is, parents should always hope for the mercy of God, that the Lord will not abandon a person in the matter of growing up?

– Yes, and always feel that you can either help, or, conversely, hinder, turn away.

– A question from an adult woman, whose son, unfortunately, died from drug addiction, and she feels guilty before her already deceased son, that she could not protect him, save him. What should parents do?

– Of course, it must be said that sometimes responsibility presupposes not only our desire for good, but also some knowledge. Today Christian psychology gives us a lot, including in working with addictions and in many other situations. The Nikeya publishing house publishes wonderful books, for example, “The Soul of Your Teenager”, “Independence” - about how to live free from addiction, and many other valuable books that give us knowledge on how to work with this or that illness and how not to make certain mistakes, that is, where all this comes from.

Therefore, it seems to me that responsibility also implies some kind of competence. We are not saying that a person who knows nothing about faith will go and become a catechist, but we believe that first he must learn something, take some courses and then become a catechist. And these issues are vitally important, and here, more than anywhere else, it is important to be competent.

– If on issues of addiction, then Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko published very good books: “Return to Life” and “When There is Too Much Love.” Book by Pyotr Dmitrievsky “The Path to Independence.” The book “There is a Way Out,” dedicated to complex problem when a child may become confused about their gender identity. There are many good books. It seems to me that the Nikeya publishing house selects authors very well, and these books really address the most pressing issues.

In general, I must say, it’s very difficult with books on psychology. This is such an avalanche that if you go to a bookstore, there will be simply an abyss of books on psychology, an abyss of psychological schools, directions, even those that confront each other. So, of course, my head is spinning. But it seems to me that in this sense, Christian psychologists successfully combine both faith and a certain, unblurred moral position and, in addition, combine this with a scientific view and everything positive that scientific psychology has accumulated.

– That is, we can tell the audience that the general direction is to search for your books and books from the Nikeya publishing house, which raise various complex issues and are written by Orthodox psychologists. This is important because broadcast time is limited, and when the topic is interesting, people continue to be interested and ask questions.

And specific questions. What to do if parents feel that their child is addicted to the computer?

– This is a serious problem and, I must say, largely underestimated. There is footage of a child who was deprived of a computer. His eyes are just burning, his hands are shaking, there is a complete feeling that he is a drug addict during withdrawal, that is, this is really a very strong addiction. The father of one girl, so that she could prepare for the Unified State Exam and admission to a university, took the system unit and monitor from the room, after some time he heard her scream, she stood on the railing of the balcony and said that she was counting to five. If the system unit and monitor are not returned to her, she will jump down from the tenth floor.

That is, this dependence turns out to be so strong that it is very difficult to get rid of it. And here, firstly, we must prevent the formation of this dependence, and if it has already been formed, then, as we always do when working with dependencies, we must replace it with something positive. You can’t just take it away and that’s it. The seven worst demons come to a clean, swept place. It is necessary to give a strategy in life that would supplant this dependence and somehow help a person stay afloat.

It is clear that it cannot be brought to a state where the child completely loses contact with his parents. He should feel respect for himself as an individual, love for himself as a person and a willingness to help him, that in any case he does not remain alone, and his parents are people who are for him in any situation. Then there will be no desire to completely go into this virtual world. Because computer addiction is such a complex enemy: here you create your own, parallel life, and your own, parallel, communication, in general, as it were, everything that is your own. It turns out that a person simply does not need the real world. And for this we need to help him cope with the problems that exist in this real world. Help you find helpful friends in this real world, so as not to go into the virtual world.

– This is universal advice not only for preventing computer addiction, but in general for raising a happy child.

Unfortunately, we have just over a minute left. Perhaps during these Easter days you will give a short message to parents?

– The best parting word, which John the Theologian always repeated: love one another. You really must love and respect your children very much. If there is love, then everything else will work out. Because in matters of love there is no law, no rules. And the fact that we do this and that means that we love. We love, which means we will do everything else right. Therefore, I want to thank all TV viewers and congratulate them on these Easter days. Christ is Risen!

- He is truly risen! Father Peter, thank you for the conversation. And a final point for our TV viewers: if you are interested in the topic of teenage education, look for books by Father Pyotr Kolomeitsev, books from the Nikeya publishing house, where you can read about how to establish relationships with your children.

Presenter Anton Pepelyaev

Typically, transitional (or teenage) age refers to the period of a person’s life from 14 to 18 years. It is understood that during these years there is a certain transition from childhood, with its complete dependence on adults, to independent life. It is no coincidence that this age is called “difficult”: the search for oneself, the formation of character often exposes and sharpens weak sides still a fragile personality. Today we will talk about mental problems problems that teenagers may experience and how to avoid these problems.

Thorns of growing up

Many people ask: is it possible to ignore the rapid neurohormonal changes in a young body, the volcanic force of which transforms a boy into a muscular man, and an angular, restless girl into a thoughtful girl?

For Orthodox people the answer to this question is obvious. Biological changes, no matter how intense they occur, cannot in themselves make a person good or evil, moral or immoral, saint or sinner. Man is not so much flesh as soul and spirit. A teenager can take the path of sin when he either does not know the true God or turns away from Him. A lot depends on the examples (often, unfortunately, negative) that a teenager observes in the “adult” life of his parents and others.

Today, many parents profess the so-called “humanism without God.” And their educational tactics can be compared to a castle on the sand, because, in this case, they simply neglect the spiritual foundation. The wind blew and the castle fell apart... Children hear prohibitions and admonitions, but they don’t fully understand why they can’t cheat or take someone else’s, why they need to obey their parents - after all, they are simply not told about God and sin. In school, army, lyceum or institute, such humanism remains even less. “Conscience without God is horror,” wrote Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky. Indeed, a soul that is not purified by repentance becomes a bad adviser. It's dangerous to believe her. The conclusion is this: raising children in the spirit of true piety is impossible without faith, without the Lord Jesus Christ. It is only through the grace of God that a person’s soul is cleansed, enlightened and admonished.

There have been many changes in the life of our society in recent years. Of course, many of them are positive. But, unfortunately, we have to admit a very terrible reality. No one will be surprised today by the fact that schoolchildren have sexual intercourse, and every tenth abortion is performed by a teenage girl. Sexually transmitted diseases in teenagers, child prostitution - alas, sad signs of our time. There are two million street children in the country. Drug addiction is gaining momentum among young people—about seventy thousand young people in Russia die from drugs every year. Tens of thousands of teenagers under 14 years of age in Moscow alone suffer from beer alcoholism. 47% of young men are unfit for military service due to mental pathology. More than 70% of children need medical and psychological correction. 20% of all suicides are committed by children and adolescents. Teenagers have appeared - serial killers. Forensic psychiatry has practically never known such cases before; one can assume what a monstrous level of aggression in society they reflect.

Smoking is incense to demons

So how to deal with these terrible manifestations of “independence” of yesterday’s obedient sons and daughters? I’ll probably start with the most common vice among teenagers - smoking, the dangers of which are unknown only to the blind and deaf-mute. As a doctor, I will just remind you that tobacco smoke contains about thirty substances harmful to health: nicotine alkaloid, carcinogens (substances that cause cancer), such as benzopyrene and its derivatives. Therefore, among smokers there are especially many patients with bronchopulmonary diseases, and the number of people suffering from lung cancer, perhaps the most dangerous consequence of smoking, is growing.

In Moscow, according to the study, the age of initiation of smoking has dropped to 10 years for boys and 12 years for girls. It must be said that nicotine has a particularly harmful effect on the child’s body. Among other things, a teenager develops a complex of neuropsychic abnormalities, attention, memory, sleep suffer, mood swings, nicotine syndrome develops - this is the same addiction as from alcohol or drugs, slightly less destructive to health.

According to the International Classification of Diseases, which came into force in 1999, tobacco dependence is officially recognized as a disease. I would add - sinful, since smoking is self-indulgence, a form of self-pleasure. It is rightly said that smoking is incense for demons.

So how can you protect your teenager from nicotine addiction? First of all, through the personal example of parents and loved ones. No one should smoke in the house, not even guests. Secondly, the child must know about all the harmful consequences of smoking; in this case, it is better to scare him. And of course, if a teenager goes to church and receives communion, he must be fully aware of the sinfulness of smoking and be sure to tell the priest even that he has just tried to inhale cigarette smoke. If you have not caught your child smoking, but only suspect that he smokes, do not attack him, but sympathize with some smoking acquaintance for his lack of willpower.

Take care of honor from a young age

Many parents are rightly concerned about the introduction of sex education programs in schools. The so-called “family planning centers” distribute relevant magazines and illustrated books everywhere. Various obscenities flow from television screens into children's souls. I am deeply convinced that this whole artificially brought to life problem is a demonic trick. Someone decided that children at all costs should be introduced to the physiology of sexual relations as early as possible. I emphasize precisely with physiology. We are not talking about raising a boy to be a reliable father, husband, and protector, or a girl to be a caring mother and a faithful wife.

It seems that children have never been born in Rus' before. Was this very physiology taught in institutes for noble maidens or in the rural outback? And families were, as a rule, strong, with many children. This topic has always been covered with a veil of chastity, or, if you like, understatement.

Perhaps someone will accuse me of being archaic. But those who fix their eyes on Sodom and Gomorrah are archaic. The customers of this project have a clear goal - to corrupt young people and reduce the birth rate. The entire program of sex “education” is aimed at corrupting children, losing their chastity and purity. And this program has nothing to do with Christian morality. The basis of the knowledge offered is education on contraception, “safe sex” and so on. This program only encourages young people to commit prodigal sins.

It is known that prodigal sins are mortal, since they destroy both the soul and body of the person committing them and deprive a person of the grace of God. Having lost grace, a fornicator, as a rule, is also deprived of spiritual peace. Fornicators are very neurotic, they have an almost constant feeling of anxiety. This is partly why they are always in search of new adventures and pleasures. Fornication deprives a person of the opportunity to truly love. As a rule, people who sin fornication cannot create a strong family or raise morally healthy children.

And today girls are even beginning to experience a “complex” about the fact that at the age of 14-15 they are “still virgins.” It is imperative to talk with your growing daughters about this topic, especially if they have “advanced” friends, or, even worse, girlfriends. Teach them not to give in to anyone's pressure. After all, just as darkness does not coexist with light, so for a fornicator or harlot virginity is a kind of reproach, disturbing their conscience. Therefore, it would be better for them not to hear anything about him and measure everyone by their own yardstick. Don’t get tired of repeating that marriage was created by God, the family was conceived by the Lord as a small Church. Tell us about holy wives, about how in former times pious Christian girls prayed to the Lord, the Most Holy Theotokos for the gift of a groom, took care of themselves for their future husband and adorned themselves with modesty, chastity, humility - this is how they prepared their dowry. Shyness, the ability to abstain from fulfilling one’s carnal desires, the existence of marriage, and other institutions of religion are not just abstract concepts, but what distinguishes a person from an animal. In the old days they said: “Humility is a girl’s necklace.” And the families were, unlike today’s, strong.

It would also be a good idea to tell teenagers about sexually transmitted diseases. In addition to AIDS, there are more than 20 infections, many of which leave a mark on the human body for life, even after long and often expensive treatment; and no matter what the advertising brochures say, there is not a single guaranteed method of protection against them.

It is also worth telling that, having only once had an abortion, a girl risks becoming infertile for the rest of her life and forever depriving herself of the joy of motherhood. Not to mention that abortion, no matter how long it takes, is real murder.

Gambler's syndrome

In the modern psychiatric classification, a new nosological (painful) form is designated - “gambler syndrome”. It develops in those addicted to gambling (roulette, casinos, slot machines, computer games). A stable attachment to any gambling game makes this game the main business of life. In addition to the social consequences (children stop attending school or college, doing homework, all interests are reduced only to playing), mental restlessness (excitability, aggressiveness, despondency, insomnia) is clearly visible. In fact, this is a typical passion. And this passion is primarily of a spiritual nature; mental disorders, in this case, are only a consequence of sin. In the most advanced cases, doctors recommend hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital in order to protect the person from the object of his passion.

Specific help for someone addicted to a particular gambling game can be as follows:

• Convince him to admit to himself that he is a gambling addict and decide not to gamble at all.
• Explain that this is a sinful passion, and overcoming it requires not only personal determination, but also the help of God.
• Limit (if possible and, preferably, by mutual agreement) the amount of cash pocket money.
• Make sure that the gambling addict does not come into contact with the object of his passion (slot machine, cards, roulette, computer). If necessary, accompany him to the place of study; change your usual route if there are gambling establishments on your route.
• Organize your daily routine so that there is no “extra” time left.
• Load it up physically (jogging, gymnastics, swimming) or try to switch it to learning a foreign language, reading, traveling, useful communication.

If necessary, consult a psychologist (you may need treatment from a psychotherapist or psychiatrist). Thus, in Moscow, help is provided to gambling addicts at the Counseling Center of St. righteous John Kronstadt.

I had to help people who had already admitted to themselves their own powerlessness against this misfortune and had firmly decided not to play. However, we can talk about sustainable remission or healing no earlier than a year after the last “gambling intoxication”.

“Everyone says you can’t drink, but I say I will!”

These are the words of a popular song today, which is in constant rotation on youth radio stations. And, unfortunately, this is exactly the attitude that many teenagers have towards alcohol today. The fact that alcohol is extremely dangerous for their health only encourages its consumption. But drinking alcohol disrupts the maturation processes of neurons (nerve cells). Hence, a teenager’s intelligence, memory, thinking, behavior may suffer, and a whole “bouquet” of diseases may develop.

As observations show, the path to drunkenness begins from an early age. The assimilation of alcoholic rituals occurs long before the first acquaintance with alcohol. Little children sitting behind festive table, “play at being adults,” pouring fruit juice into glasses, and then, with a grimace on their faces, drink “children’s wine” to the approving roar of parents and guests. There is no doubt that already at this time the idea of ​​alcohol as a universal companion of adult life begins to form in the child’s mind. Experts say that by the age of 11-12, adolescents form quite stable stereotypes of attitudes towards drunkenness. Therefore, I advise parents: do not drink in front of your children! Don't sip beer while walking with a small child, then, perhaps, when he grows up, he won't reach for a bottle while walking with his peers.

Often, spoiled by the “efforts” of parents and grandparents, a child over time transforms into a pretentious personality who absolutely demands that all his needs be met. If this does not happen, then disappointment, anger, a feeling of annoyance arise... and the desire to “get lost in wine.” So be more sensitive to your child, do not go too far with the educational stick. Remember that after a “difficult age” a new, adult life will begin for a teenager, and what it will be like depends largely on you, the parents.

Beware of drug addiction!

We have to admit with horror that among young people drugs are becoming something of a “good form”. Accepting them means being adult, independent, modern. Many secondary and higher educational institutions should be quarantined, and a notice should be posted at the entrance: CAUTION, DRUG ADDITION!

This is a terrible problem, and it is spreading very rapidly in Russia. Here are just a few figures indicating the scale and depth of drug damage to our society: 2% of the country's population have a persistent drug addiction; Over the past 10 years, drug addiction among children and adolescents has increased 10-fold, and today there are more than half a million child drug addicts. Let me add to this that one drug addict “infects” (attracts to drugs) up to sixty people. This is due to the distribution and resale of drugs. The addict does this mainly so that he can consistently have money for daily portions of the “potion.”

I will also say that nowhere in the world can drug addiction be treated practically (the cure rate is no more than 2-3%). The fact is that this disease is rather not physical, but spiritual. And the treatment process is not so much the use of medications as re-education, self-overcoming, long-term and painstaking rehabilitation.

According to the World Health Organization, “drug addiction is a state of recurrent or chronic intoxication, harmful to the individual and society, caused by the use of a drug (natural or synthetic origin).” The conditions under which a person should be considered a drug addict are as follows: an irresistible attraction to the drug, increasing tolerance (increasing dose), mental and physical dependence on drugs. The problem of drug addiction is multifaceted. It is moral, medical, social, and legal.

Addiction to drugs can be considered complete after 2-3 months of use. Often a person becomes a slave to the drug after the first injection. I will also point out that, on average, from the start of using drugs, such as heroin, a drug addict lives 7-8 years, sometimes 10-12, and then dies, but this is rather not life, but endless torment.

Physical and mental dependence develops on drugs. The first is determined by the fact that the drug creeps into the deep mechanisms of metabolism and biochemical processes occurring in the body, which require a regular dose of the drug. Every 10-12 hours, the addict experiences an irresistible desire to take his dose, which up to a certain point increases and increases.

If the drug is not used for some reason, the addict suffers greatly and suffers. He develops cold sweat, nausea and vomiting, aching joints, weakness, abdominal pain, trembling throughout the body. Depression, internal tension, and anxiety are common accompaniments of withdrawal.

Mental dependence is an even more severe manifestation of drug addiction. A drug addict, as narcologists figuratively describe this state, experiences a feeling of “love” for drugs: he, just like a lover, always thinks about the object of his desires, constantly expects to meet him and strives for him, rejoices if this meeting is here. is about to take place, gets sad and nervous if it is postponed; ready to do anything to be around drugs all the time. The personality of a drug addict undergoes total changes.

Signs that indicate drug use by a teenager can be roughly classified into several groups:

• Physiological signs: pale skin; dilated or constricted pupils; red or cloudy eyes; slow, incoherent speech; loss of appetite, weight loss, or excessive eating; chronic cough; poor coordination of movements (staggering or stumbling).
• Behavioral signs: causeless agitation or lethargy; growing indifference to everything; leaving home; absenteeism from school for unknown reasons; deterioration of memory and attention; insomnia; frequent and unreasonable changes in mood; decline in school performance; constant requests for money; loss of valuables, books, clothes, jewelry from the house; frequent phone calls; deceit; untidiness of appearance.
• Obvious signs: marks from injections; papers and banknotes, rolled into tubes; small sharpened spoons; capsules, vials, cans; packs of sleeping pills or sedatives.

If you find out that your child has started using drugs, do not show aggression, let him know that he is dear to you and you want to help him. In this case, it is difficult to overestimate the participation of relatives and friends in ridding the sufferer of drug addiction. This includes prayer for him, moral support, love and mercy for him. We need to find the good, the good in a person’s soul and develop it. It is important that the person being healed does not withdraw into himself, that he feels warmth, care and interest in his fate on the part of relatives and friends. Often, a relapse into drug addiction is provoked by “friends and comrades” using a syringe. It would be better to part with this environment immediately. I know that this is not easy to do, but it is necessary. Especially at first, you need to be with your child more often, to literally protect him.

Experienced doctors or psychologists, medications and psychotherapeutic techniques (exclusively morally acceptable! God protect you from turning to occult healers and all kinds of coders for “help”) - all this is just a help, often necessary and effective. But not more.

Drug addiction is a disease based on the conscious sin of using drugs. And the Lord forgives the sins of those who sincerely repent. Sins are healed in a spiritual hospital - in the Church of Christ, in the holy Sacrament of Confession, when the soul exposes itself before the Cross and the Gospel. There is no other way of healing. In the prayer that the priest says before each confession, we hear that we have come to the hospital and will not leave unhealed.

Deep repentance for the sins committed, a prayer to the All-Merciful Physician of our souls and bodies and His Most Pure Mother, the holy saints of God, is the first step towards healing. This is the case if the drug addict is baptized and if in his heart there is a spark of faith in Christ, hope in the mercy of the Lord. And if this is not the case, then this is a goal towards which, again with God’s help, we must strive.

Traps of false messiahs

I’ll tell you about one more danger that awaits young people - sects that have multiplied today like mushrooms after rain. Scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Moonies, Hare Krishnas - it's not worth listing them all. Of course, an adult churchgoer will immediately understand that they are slipping him a “fake” when inviting him to a service in a movie theater. But a teenager who is not particularly versed in matters of faith and is looking for friends can easily fall for the bait of “fishers of men.” Knowing what psychological techniques used by members of sectarian associations, parents will be able to protect their children. I will give just a few:

• The leaders of any sect exercise strict control over each of its members (his social connections, environment). Gradually, a person is “squeezed out” from his usual environment and isolated from people who do not belong to the sect (relatives, friends, colleagues).
• During meetings and joint prayers, spiritual leaders use certain psycho-influences that change the state of consciousness of people like a hypnotic trance. There is also a powerful effect on the human subconscious. For these purposes, neurolinguistic programming is used, for example. That is, the individual is manipulated, and the effects of psychotechniques are passed off as a “descent of grace.”
• Almost every sect has its own specific language and terms. Such language makes it difficult to communicate with adherents of the sect and makes them immune to attempts to persuade with ordinary words.
• The principle of “doctrine above personality” is being introduced. That is, it is not encouraged and even prohibited to analyze personal experience. The main thing is to firmly and unshakably believe in what is the dogma of the sect.
• “Our own are friends, strangers are enemies.” The meaning of this thesis, I think, is clear.

There are many other tricks and all sorts of mechanisms for “zombifying” a person that keep a person in a sect. Often there are material “ties”: for example, some money was borrowed from a sect and there is no way to repay the debt.

Russian Orthodox Church realizes the depth of the problem of sectarian dominance. In many dioceses there are rehabilitation centers for victims of non-traditional religions, in which experienced spiritual mentors try to restore peace and tranquility in the souls of deceived and disoriented people who have become disillusioned with their recent idols and have asked for help.

Finally

Sometimes you hear parents say: “When our children grow up, then they will figure out whether there is a God or not. And now there is nothing to tell them about Him.” I would like to answer such parents: “Let’s not teach the child to wash their hands before eating or to say hello to adults. But he will grow up and figure it out on his own. Let him drink, smoke, don’t come home for days... Let the children decide for themselves. No need now. We have freedom. We have a democracy."

This is precisely the main task of education: we need to talk to children about God from an early age - this is the key to their mental health and future happy life. After all, only through the concepts of sin, repentance and atonement is it possible to rationally overcome all kinds of bad habits and unhealthy inclinations.

I would especially like to address mothers: pray for your children! The Lord will definitely hear the mother’s prayer. And at least once a day, repeat after the Monk Ambrose of Optina: “Lord, You alone weigh everything, you can do everything and want to save everyone and come to the mind of Truth. Enlighten my children (names) with the knowledge of Thy truth and Thy Holy will and strengthen them to walk according to Thy commandments and have mercy on me, a sinner. Amen".

Our children grow, develop, and at a certain point, parents are faced with the question of how they should be raised, what they should pay attention to first. In our article we will discuss the issue of proper upbringing of girls. A detailed description of the features of their development at different ages will help you find useful and relevant information specifically for your case.

Many psychologists, teachers and parents distinguish two lines in the upbringing of a little lady - general and special.

The issue of raising children is very difficult and worries parents no less than the issue of their health. In particular, it is extremely important to find the right approach for happy parents of princesses. In this article we will understand everything in order.

To begin with, let us clarify that many psychologists, teachers and parents distinguish two lines in the upbringing of a little lady - general and special. The general line implies that parents should not discriminate whether they are raising a boy or a girl: there are certain things and rules that are common to all, such as raising a fully developed and healthy child, curious and thinking.

Well, the second direction is that special knowledge and recommendations that should be taken into account when raising a girl as a future wife, mother and woman.

Where to begin

For many decades and even centuries, parents have been asking the same question - when and where to start raising a child. Our great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, who lived in families with a large number of children, began raising them from the cradle.

So what steps should you take first, at a time when the baby is not yet able to distinguish between what is good and what is bad? Until recently, most families used a rather harsh method of raising a child. It was considered impermissible to indulge the baby’s whims; by not responding to screams or crying, the parents assumed that they were preparing the little person for the upcoming difficulties of life.

For modern parents, this method is largely unacceptable. Moms and dads try to provide the baby with a pleasant atmosphere as much as possible. environment. Excessive gentleness and humanity can lead to the other extreme, and cause no less harm to the baby than excessive severity.

You need to start raising a little lady first of all by realizing what you dream of seeing her in the future. Familiarize yourself with popular specialized literature on this issue, as well as resort to the experience of outstanding teachers.

What to pay special attention to

Comparing girls and boys, it can be noted that the former usually have a softer, more flexible and calm character. Special attention One should pay attention to the fact that girls, along with their friendliness, can be more suggestible and easily succumb to bad influence. Errors or gaps in upbringing, parents ignoring or not noticing obvious problems can lead to negative consequences.

In any case, the behavior of mom and dad should be based on three basic principles - love, patience and respect for boundaries.

Secrets of education

Girls are characterized by high emotional sensitivity, this is natural and normal. The main task of parents is to help the child correctly experience the surging emotions, without judging or shouting.

• Teach your daughter to name her emotions.
• Accept the child’s right to feel any emotion, even if it is not pleasant to you, do not judge.
• Sometimes leave your daughter alone, give her time to experience emotions on her own. As a rule, leaving the child alone helps her calm down faster and return to normal.
• Allow the girl more often to do as she wants, naturally within the permitted limits.
• Also name your feelings, since children do not always understand adults' emotions.
• Constantly tell your child how much you love him. There are never too many of these words.

The main secret and key to every child, first of all, of course, is understanding, love and respect for his feelings.

How to raise a girl from birth to 3 years old

Parents are greatly mistaken if they believe that until the age of 3 there is no need to raise a girl and develop various qualities of the child. Of course, freedom is necessary, but within reason. It is important to understand that it is at this age that the basics of the world around us are learned; this experience should be as positive as possible.

The main task of parents is to help the child correctly experience the surging emotions, without judging or shouting.

What to pay attention to

Until the age of three, a girl should grow up in a caring, loving and affectionate atmosphere. What to pay attention to and how to raise a girl from birth? Help your child acquire basic practical skills in everyday life and unobtrusively correct behavior.

Taking the first steps, speaking, behaving correctly at the table and washing and dressing independently - all these simple procedures a child should independently master by the age of 3, while feeling the support of his parents.

Raising a girl from 3 to 5 years old

After passing the three-year mark, the girl’s behavior begins to change dramatically, becoming more interesting and unpredictable. At this age, they are already successfully learning how to manipulate adults to achieve their little goals.

Great trust and mutual understanding should be the basis of your family

The following dogmas will help young parents find the answer to the question of how to properly raise a girl:

1. Teach your baby to take care of her appearance, not only compliments, but also instilling taste should begin from an early age.
2. You are guaranteed not to spoil the child with love and tenderness.
3. Teach your daughter to take responsibility for her actions.
4. Raise a housewife and assistant in household chores, organize the process so that the child is interested in helping you.

Remember: trust and mutual understanding should be the basis of your family.

Peculiarities

If you begin to notice that communication with your child is becoming too firm and your daughter is showing protest, then remember yourself at her age. This way you may better understand your child's wants and needs. Don’t forget that you are raising a future successful woman, and the foundations of her behavior are being laid right now.

Subtleties of raising a junior schoolgirl

Girls of primary school age especially need encouragement and approval from their parents. The question of how to raise a 9-year-old girl is not so difficult, because it is at this age that girls are as friendly as possible and tend to show particular patience and accuracy.

Each family has its own personal secrets of successful parenting.

• Support your daughter in her endeavors, do not skimp on praise.
• Gently monitor and be interested in your school friends.
• Support and show interest in the first romantic experience, this will strengthen your child's trust in you.
• It is imperative to ensure that the girl is involved in sports and not to forget about her healthy development.

At this age, parents can strengthen their friendships and trust as much as possible, and lay the foundation for the upcoming difficult transitional age.

Peculiarities

Each child is special and unique; for each age, of course, there are general recommendations, but parents should be as sensitive as possible to their child. Following general rules useful, but it is equally important to take a special approach. Each family has its own personal secrets of successful upbringing; don’t be afraid to create your own unique atmosphere.

How to raise a teenage girl

A book may not be enough to cover this point in the article. We offer parents general recommendations on how to raise a teenage girl:

1. Effective prevention of the appearance of complexes is the correct approach to caring for your appearance.
2. Organization of interesting and productive leisure time.
3. Authority and friendship with parents.
4. Teach your daughter to adequately evaluate herself without underestimating her self-esteem and to rejoice in her uniqueness.

Find your child's strength, talent, or distinct ability.

Try to guide your child in the right direction without moralizing, while maintaining parental authority.

Raising troubled teenage girls

Having touched on such a burning topic for many families as raising difficult teenage girls, we offer a number of tips that can significantly facilitate this process for parents:

• Do not abuse prohibitions and punishments.
• Motivate and enhance the cognitive process.
• Talk and pay more attention to your child.
• Introduce changes to your daughter’s routine in a comprehensive manner, taking into account the child’s wishes.
• Listen to the signals that your daughter unconsciously gives, notice the slightest changes in behavior.
• Find your child's strength, talent or distinct ability. Encouraging her in this direction will instill confidence in herself.

There is a lot of important and useful information on the topic of raising a 13-year-old girl; parents need to select the recommendations that are most suitable for their individual case and follow them. You can also contact a specialist who specializes in this issue and can effectively help.

The first thing you should pay attention to is creating a harmonious and loving atmosphere in the family. Sex education for teenage girls should be aimed not only at explaining physical processes, but also at developing the girl’s character.

The formation in a young girl of high moral principles in sexual matters is the key to her happy and, very importantly, healthy future - this is main task and parental responsibility.

Raising a 14-year-old teenage girl must necessarily address the issue of early sexual activity and an adequate explanation of why it is harmful and dangerous. Everyone knows that sexual development in girls begins earlier than in boys. Parents should carefully prepare for the upcoming conversation and provide their child with psychological support.