Everyone wants to be happy, but, alas, not everyone knows how. So it turns out that, according to statistics, unhappy people are like fleas on a mongrel. It seems like you are trying to do something, somehow move around, but still you don’t feel satisfaction, because life is more cunning, it not only always takes its toll, but, unfortunately, steals ours. This is a dogma that needs to be accepted, and it’s not what makes you unhappy, it’s completely different things that are to blame.
1. Your mind rules the roost.
Everything you think and imagine is not reality, it is exclusively a product of yours. Simply put, it is reality for yourself, but not for others.
Your thoughts, behavior, and responses are the product of all the information imprinted and programmed into your mind from the moment of conception.
Our brain is inherently an amazing data-collecting and processing machine. Life is a deeply subjective thing, and therefore it seems to some like a hopeless gray hell, and to others it seems like an interesting thing. “On paper” everything may look good, but what good is it if in fact you are shy, unsure of yourself, and full of complexes frightened child.
Many “programs” by which we live and create our everyday life become unsuitable for normal existence and inevitably become outdated. And until the mind is taken under control, until it works the way you need, there is no need to talk about any happiness.
Our mind is equipped with a reticular activating system that filters out information that is not supported by our current beliefs, allowing only ossified information that is not always true but consistent with beliefs. A kind of internal censorship, like in a totalitarian state. Down with dissent, only ideas that correspond to the spirit of the regime!
If you consider yourself weak and shy, then your brain will kindly provide you with evidence of your own worthlessness.
There are many ways in which you can monitor and manage our internal system, which will support and not limit us. In fact, the recipe is simple: rabid optimism, irrepressible faith in the good and significant enrichment of one’s knowledge - all this will lead to dramatic changes.
2. You constantly compare yourself to someone else.
Do you constantly compare yourself to others? Are you convinced that you will never become as good as the conventional Erokhin, who has achieved everything, and who is always held up as an example? I wouldn’t want to offend anyone, but just because you’re not a muscular, tanned, six-foot tall alpha male with beautiful nails and a good position in a good office doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.
Competing with the rest of the world is an extremely tedious and pointless task, which only geniuses are capable of. Moreover, it is one of the most destructive things you can think of. You can’t win everyone, and you can’t become more ideal than 7 billion people.
Be grateful to fate and your parents that right now you can find joy in the little things. If it doesn’t work out, then you urgently need to acquire such a wonderful skill. Surround yourself with people who will support you, friends, not competitors, individuals who may be better and more positive than you, but you won’t have to compete with them for your place in the sun.
If the successes of your friends serve as a kind of challenge for you, and you are trying to compete with the planet in everything, then it means that you take yourself too, too seriously. Ask yourself what are you really afraid of losing, why do you need these things that you strive for so much? Can't answer? Are empty excuses popping into your head about how you will become happier and more successful? No, you won't. Even if the next morning you turn into, you will not become happier. You're not as bad as you think. Well, if you don’t believe us, trust the psychologists, they have definitely revealed that people who look like 9 out of 10 on the impeccability scale and dream of achieving the maximum mark, in the pursuit of perfection, stop noticing positive changes and enjoying anything. And even if they achieve it, they feel empty - there is no longer a goal.
3. You're chasing a dream that will only give you short-term satisfaction.
Advertising and modern consumer society persistently tell us that if we get what we want, then we can finally achieve happiness and satisfaction. So, this statement is real nonsense. The feeling of novelty, as well as the feeling of satisfaction, are the most ephemeral in the universe.
Research has shown that major personal events (both positive and negative, such as winning the lottery or a serious injury) create only temporary changes in happiness, and after a short time everything returns to normal. Even when you achieve the girl of your dreams, after a month all the delight is replaced by the despondency of living together.
Therefore, you don’t need to look for happiness in the global, you need to look for happiness in the simple, trivial, in a volume of Blok at hand, and dumplings in a frying pan. Happy people can do more positive things by creating happiness around them.
People living on perfectionistic-consumer autopilot are convinced that if they don't find ideal partner, ideal job, or do not earn the ideal amount of money (about 20 billion), then they will never be able to be happy. At the same time, truly happy people understand that by having an interest in life, maintaining a positive attitude, and getting a thrill from simple little things, they get all the same emotions.
A black woman from Mali is happy about the rain and food, an Albanian immigrant is happy about work, and you start whining because you don’t like your apartment, car, salary and saleswoman in the store.
When you make life a pursuit of satisfaction, you miss out on all the attractions in life - the only things that can bring happiness and joy. This does not mean that you need to renounce your goal, just don’t make this goal the main measure of your mood and satisfaction.
4. You see yourself as a victim of circumstances.
home distinguishing feature The difference between humans and other creatures is the ability to find someone to blame for their failures. But if you are not afraid and take full account of all the circumstances that have happened to you, then you can see how much will change in life.
In the end, it makes no sense to place the blame on someone else. What are you hoping for? That someone admits his guilt and, in order to justify himself, will do everything so that you forgive him? Of course not, this is simply an excuse for your own helplessness, which is a consequence of your wretchedness, sluggishness and indifference.
The only problem is that it is much easier to live by presenting yourself as a victim of circumstances. The victim is never satisfied because satisfaction is not part of his personality. Complaining, gossiping, blaming others for your shortcomings - this is healthy, as much as you want.
You need to take responsibility for your life, realize that no one can ever influence the state of your affairs until you yourself give the go-ahead.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Life is a journey of ups and downs, trials and uprisings. Some especially happy people had to take a sip of something that is hard to imagine. But they are okay - they live and enjoy life.
5. You're just a pathetic person.
Let's face it, you're just pathetic. If you constantly complain, are never satisfied with anything, and simultaneously burden others with your whining and complaints, then it is obvious that you are a spineless rag. So shut up and get motivated. Nothing will change until you try to change something.
It is quite easy to explain why this happens to people: numerous traumas, resentments and disappointments, coupled with the brain characteristics described above. There is exactly one recipe for this - all kinds of films and books that change worldviews. The main thing is to admit to yourself your own disgustingness, and start working, engage in discipline and self-development.
6. Happiness is a process, not a goal.
As long as you see happiness as the goal of your life, it will invariably elude you. Happiness is not an end point to be achieved, in fact, happiness is not a “thing” at all. Happiness is a way of being.
This is a way to enjoy every minute, appreciate what you have, and not be jealous. Happy man understands that life is too short not to enjoy every minute of it.
Many people say: “I want to be happy. But I don’t know what it takes.” This is because happiness is a practice.
Balance your mind and body with the help of the image that gives you the highest pleasure, there are no dogmas here, you don’t need to eat right, do exercises and the like, this will only ruin everything. This way you will not be able to know yourself at a deep level, however, do not delve too deeply into the jungle of knowledge, this way you can be touched by your mind and become a famous philosopher.
And if you don't know what's for you comfortable conditions, what lifestyle suits you - then experiment, shake up your routine. Life is one endless tasting of everything in the world, you need to try everything.
, Comments to the entry Dissatisfaction with oneself disabled
Self-dissatisfaction is a painful and constant property of some people. What are the causes of self-dissatisfaction and how to get rid of it?
Hello!!!
I am 34 years old. Please help me understand myself. I worry about a lot about me, but especially the fact that I am very insecure, I always think that I am worse than others, inferior to others. By nature I seem to be soft, but I can be very demanding, purposeful, when necessary I show willpower, I can be persistent.
It seems to me that I’m too serious, always demanding something or maybe dissatisfied with myself first of all, tense all the time, always thinking about something, how to do this and that. It seems to me that I don’t know how to love!!! I can’t enjoy life.
And I also have a problem with my daughter. She is 5 years old, so I don’t know how to communicate with her. I don't know what to talk to her about. It seems like I’m trying to keep asking how things are going in kindergarten, but she doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to tell me, or I’ve lost intimacy with her. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate with a child, just communicate, but we play with her, frolic, fool around, joke and that’s it. and how to communicate, I always criticize her. Sorry it's confusing.
What's wrong with me, I have constant dissatisfaction yourself, or there really is a problem psychological nature?!
Best regards, Asel
Hello Asel.
It seems that self-criticism and dissatisfaction with yourself is your problem of a psychological nature. Typically, this property occurs if one of the parents constantly criticizes or even kindly draws attention to shortcomings and the need to correct them.
Over time, when a person grows up, he develops the habit of constantly observing himself and looking for flaws in everything, because this is not as unpleasant as constantly feeling someone else's dissatisfaction with himself. I would like to look for shortcomings in myself in advance before someone else discovers them.
If you constantly look for shortcomings in yourself, then, of course, you will seem worse than others, because it is usually not obvious from other people that they are constantly observing themselves or criticizing themselves. But this does not mean at all that they are better. This means that they do not have the habit of focusing on their shortcomings.
You write about your daughter and that you don’t know how to communicate with her. It seems that you have some theoretical ideas about what communication with a child is. Maybe you yourself are thinking about some kind of standard that you just can’t reach, or maybe someone even now often tells you: “You don’t know how to communicate with a child at all!”
In fact, when you play with her, you are communicating with her in a language that a child can understand. The child does not need to be asked how his day was in kindergarten; he needs the parent to play with him and spend a lot of time together.
When you criticize her, most likely, you are simply using the same technique as your parents: you are trying to educate and improve her, but otherwise you simply don’t know what to answer her. But there is no big trick in what to answer a child. You can rephrase it last words or name the feelings that you guess in her story.
For example, if she tells you about a fight with a friend, don't give her advice or tell her what she was wrong about, but say something like: “Oh, so she told you such and such?” or “You must be angry?” The child needs confirmation that the parent listens to him and understands his feelings, nothing more. If you can’t keep up a conversation like that, then read books on this topic, for example, Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish “How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk.” This is just a skill, if you practice, you will master it and communicate well with your daughter.
As for general stress, you need to gradually get rid of the very habit of constantly monitoring yourself. First, you can come up with answers to self-criticism, for example, when you think: “I behaved incorrectly now,” you can answer yourself: “I am an adult and behave as I want.”
You might also want to think about why being constantly dissatisfied with yourself is important to you right now. Do you think that if you are unhappy with yourself, you will become better and better? If so, it's worth considering how much you've actually improved over the past few years thanks to self-dissatisfaction and whether it's actually helping you. You may have other beliefs, thanks to which part of you does not want to stop criticizing yourself, and you need to find them and refute them, then they will stop guiding you.
Which must be fought sparing no effort and resources. This is quite a variant of the norm. Only a little less bright than we would like. A little more nervous. It’s not that I’m not happy with something specific, but somehow I’m just periodically sad for an unknown reason. Something inside is itching, aching and asking for something unknown.
Where does this constant dissatisfaction with life and dissatisfaction with oneself come from? Most likely, somewhere we are preventing ourselves from enjoying life, cutting off the oxygen to our own song. And the subconscious signals us about this. So far it is quiet and faintly visible. But if you ignore it, it can, of course, make more noise. Let's deal with him while the case is not yet started
Dissatisfaction is a sure sign that it's time to change something.
Gerard Butler
Why do I feel like this...?
Which particular object and in which particular place prevents a person from relaxing and enjoying life to the fullest depends on the specific case. Let's try to find out.1. You are missing something
How many needs can a person have? The classic of psychology Abraham Maslow once identified five groups: physiological, need for safety, social, need for respect and self-expression. When some are successfully completed, others make themselves known. Perhaps the mind is quite satisfied with prosperity and professional demand, but the soul asks for? Or Creative skills do not want to stand idle and require implementation?Listen more closely to your desires. You can even remember childhood fantasies. What might you be sorely missing right now from the point of view of that thoughtful girl? Maybe you desperately dreamed: “When I grow up, no one will limit me anymore - I can go to Africa to look at live wild giraffes!”, but you never realized this great idea?
2. You “need it more than anyone else”
Your requirements for yourself and for life are significantly inflated, and with the implementation of each point they are inflated higher and higher. You, like that famous cartoon character, will always and in any conditions “not be enough!” Any imperfection sincerely upsets you, and again and again you strive to storm the peaks - and try to drag your neighbors along with you.Psychologists call this phenomenon a beautiful word" " and they warn in unison that he is capable of ruining life thoroughly if he is not tamed. After all, perfection is truly not observed in nature. And if you sacrifice all human joys and weaknesses to this mythical deity, then you will not achieve your goal (after all, it will forever remain somewhere at the zenith), and you will forget how to enjoy life. Well, you also torment your neighbors with eternal nagging. Until this happens, it is necessary to instill a realistic approach, forgive the tautology, to reality!
3. Comparisons haunt you.
Why, in the era of victorious socialism, did a person who rarely saw smoked sausage feel calmer than now a person who rarely sees crabs? Well, back then there were few people to envy in this sense! Relatives and neighbors stood in approximately the same clothes and stood in the same lines. Now the division has become much deeper and more obvious. And not only directly by the number of banknotes per kilogram of live weight. Here is a former employee who founded his own production center, and his satisfied face smiles from banners advertising the lifestyle of the especially powerful and influential. The ex-boyfriend was offered some kind of lucrative contract, and he is now chilling in warm California. And a former classmate has become a star and is a member of some kind of club for the especially privileged. And there are more and more such lucky people around. Surely someone will get something nice that we are deprived of!When to an individual it is “quite good”, and to those around you it is “quite good”, you inevitably underestimate the value of what you have. Even if you learned in childhood that envy is bad, and you don’t allow corresponding thoughts, it doesn’t matter when you observe someone’s successes, you feel somehow uneasy - embarrassed for your modest achievements.
No, no need to push the discomfort deeper! You can “openly” think about how many accompanying difficulties (from the long working hours of a producer to the eternal publicity of an actress) this is “very good” for them. And give yourself every right to calm down and live your own way.
4. You are “responsible for everyone”
This “syndrome” haunts teachers and sometimes politicians more often than others. And in general, representatives of professions associated with responsibility for other people. From time to time it begins to seem that you are thereby entrusted with almost a huge responsibility for the happiness and well-being of all mankind. Everything is fine with you, you were able to sort out your problems, but... How can you allow yourself to be happy when someone else is dissatisfied and unsettled? “Nothing will work out there without me!” With this approach, even if you do everything in your power, there will still definitely be a reason for despondency. After all, someone will certainly remain unhappy. Unhappy. Despite any help.
However, this also happens for those whose activities are not related to social work. When the elongated, sad faces of those deprived by fate slowly gather around a successful person. Or it just seems that way to the person. And reflection begins: “I feel good, but my sister is depressed!”, “How can I be happy when my aunt is constantly sick?”
And so - you can do everything! Did you console your sister, did you run to the pharmacy for your aunt? What happens next is a matter of their desire and attitude. Firstly, you are not a wizard, and secondly, even wizards in fairy tales could not make everyone automatically happy - there were always some restrictions. As for professional responsibility for careless students or stubborn patients, it is useful to often remember the wise formula with them: “Do what you must - and come what may.”
5. You “don’t like anything at all”
I hope, of course, that this is not about you at all. But it also happens: no matter what happens, a person does not like it. The dissatisfaction is general, global and insurmountable. Pessimist complex. If something is wrong (even in small things), he immediately blossoms: “I knew it!” If something turns out just right, he shrugs: “It’s an accident! And there’s probably something wrong here...”A noted pessimist always firmly remembers one of the consequences of Murphy's Law: “When things are going well, you may not notice something.” But he doesn’t always remember that these laws are jokes. Trying to really please such a person with anything is an extremely difficult, thankless task... and even dangerous. He may see something completely bad in this desire.
How do such comrades even manage to live and get by - and make any profit whatsoever? Differently. Some stubbornly hold on to their peculiarity, since it gives, strange as it may sound, a certain uncertainty: after all, there is really nowhere to fall from the very bottom rung. Some people feel that they won’t get far with this approach, but they can’t help themselves - and compensate for their eternal dissatisfaction with patience and a sense of humor. But the bravest ones still decide to try “in a good way” - and, although not particularly believing, they still go for a consultation with soul specialists. It’s good if these specialists do not belong to the type described above!
The main thing is calm
Okay, you’ve made a “diagnosis” for yourself. We determined that everything is actually in order, that the harmony of the world knows no boundaries, and only we set them for ourselves. It’s already clearer, it’s already easier. How can you finally stop worrying all the time and finally allow yourself to relax internally? What should I prescribe for myself as a “second aid”?
- Love. A strong and vivid feeling is the best cure for the doubtful “maybe there’s something wrong with me after all?” and unconstructive “I want something, I don’t know what...”. Especially mutual.
- Art. It is not for nothing that it is prescribed. It is excellent therapy, and not in the sense that it consoles, demonstrating something beautiful and pleasant, but in the sense that it allows you to look at everything, including yourself with your “cockroaches,” from the other side. Often from a bird's eye view.
- Sport. You know, sometimes it's incomprehensible internal discomfort- only because with a sedentary lifestyle there is no place for the excess accumulated static electricity do, and the stagnant body asks for movement, air and useful loads - and the sour tension is relieved as if by hand! The main thing is that you like it.
- "Non-business" matters. It can be very difficult for a workaholic fixated on achievements to realize that something useless can be useful. What's the point of walking, what's the point of amateur carnivals? But “meaningless” and “impractical” pleasures charge you with childish energy. As a child, I suppose there was no such thing as unmotivated blues in sunny weather!
- Emotional release. Are you sad and don't know why? Remember something sad and cry! Are you nervous out of the blue? Throw stuffed elephants at the sofa and darts at the Personalized Trouble's painted face! It will probably feel better.
In a peaceful direction
Surely all sensible humanity, having read these lines, has already thought: on the other hand, if dissatisfaction exists in a person, does that mean someone needs it? First of all, to this man himself. After all, if it were completely cloudless for us everywhere, we would not see progress - neither personal nor social! So we would sit in the dugouts, happy with everything: it doesn’t drip - it’s already comfortable.After all, why drive out the feeling of dissatisfaction completely and irrevocably? You can, after all, by curbing this feeling, not kill it completely and irrevocably, but simply direct it to your benefit. How can you imagine a being who never doubts anything, is happy with everything and is always in a good-natured mood... and even somehow becomes a little disgusted. Still, the same thing was in that very place - useful tool when it makes you become better and make the world around you better!
So, we take our own vague dissatisfaction, our own inner aggressiveness - and use it in a specific case of downtime and slippage as an incentive! Yeah, we got there, tore off the ribbon... And now we urgently throw the incentive we just used away! Otherwise, he may again drive there - who knows where, in search of that - who knows what... And according to our plan, rest, breathing full breasts and enjoying ordinary life!
Video: Deep dissatisfaction with life. How to defeat her?
Three wise principles
What makes a man an eligible bachelor? A tight wallet, a sharp mind and... When somewhere deep in the bottom of the soul doubts and fears swarm like an unclear shadow, simple techniques help to cope with them.- The "say it out loud" principle
It is used when something is bothering you, but you don’t know what exactly. Then you need, left alone with yourself, to try to clearly and clearly name everything that may cause discomfort in this situation. Very often it is discovered that fears and fears, “pulled out into the light of God,” appear simply funny and insignificant - and then they can be let go with a smile. - "Please clarify" principle
It is used when dissatisfaction is caused by the need to achieve something, and the meaning and level of achievement is unclear. But then no result can bring pleasure! Remember Bender’s question to Shura Balaganov, exactly how much he needs to be happy. This is the correct technique. - The "buy a goat" principle
It is used when you, in a normal and balanced state, still feel some kind of vague awkwardness - either from focusing on someone’s opinion (“they may think that I’m lazy and don’t strive for more”), or from boredom (“everyone so good that it’s not even interesting”). Create an additional difficulty for yourself so that, having gotten rid of it, you can breathe a sigh of relief - and appreciate the advantages of your situation with fresh joy!
All misfortunes are from nerves
Dissatisfaction is a terrible thing. In healthy doses, it can certainly help achieve your goals. And in unhealthy ones, it causes all sorts of troubles.- Family conflicts. Spouses, one of whom is dissatisfied with something in family life(not necessarily in the intimate sphere, although that too), they don’t always think of discussing the source of latent discontent and deciding how to eliminate it together.
More often, implicit claims result in unconstructive grinding, whims, claims and quarrels, which set the situation in motion. - Violation of rules on the roads. Russian psychologists have found that the root of many road accidents is not technical problems and, even, not in the absence of skills, but in the “head”. It is internal dissatisfaction that gives rise to aggression, which forces drivers to act recklessly and cut off, and pedestrians to carelessly stomp across traffic and at red lights.
- Addiction. When significant needs cannot be realized, dissatisfaction takes on global proportions. And if there is something that relieves this tension (games, drugs...), there is a big risk of immediately becoming addicted. Hence the pattern that more often children from dysfunctional families fall for such destructive “consolations”.
At a psychologist’s appointment you can often hear: “... everything is going well in my life. I am a completely prosperous person. But I feel bad and don’t understand why this is happening. It’s hard for me and I want to change it, but I don’t know what to change and how to do it.”
Each of our states has reasons, and so does the feeling of dissatisfaction with life.
Firstly, it is possible you're really missing something important to feel like you are living a full and fulfilling life.
Sometimes it is clear to us what exactly is missing for happiness, but for various reasons we do not make efforts to get what we lack. For example, you have long wanted to change your profession, but the need to come to terms with a temporary demotion is preventing you from doing so. wages and fear that you will not be able to achieve success in your new profession. Or someone has dreamed of playing the piano since childhood, but it seems that it is too late to start and they should give up “stupid childhood fantasies.” Sometimes the only way to change our life that comes to our mind is too radical to put it into practice.
But sometimes we don’t even understand what exactly doesn’t suit us in our own lives. Either because we consider it unimportant, or even the very understanding of what we lack already requires internal changes. Perhaps the most common example is when a woman is dissatisfied with a man’s attitude towards herself. Although she is offended by many things, expressing her dissatisfaction for her is tantamount to a decision to break up. But she doesn’t want to break up, so, unbeknownst to herself, she convinces herself that everything is fine and she has a wonderful relationship. But for “an unknown reason,” he feels dissatisfied with life and is moping.
Another reason - problems of self-esteem and self-acceptance. Some people tend to pay little attention to the good and valuable what is in them and in their lives. If you carefully question such a person, he himself will be surprised to notice that there is a lot of value in his life and this improves his mood. But usually not for long, because after a while, he habitually stops noticing the good again.
Other people are extremely demanding of themselves and mercilessly scold themselves at the slightest failure. It's as if an unfriendly critic is constantly commenting on what they think, feel and do: "this is stupid, this kindergarten, well, you got yourself into this again: of course, what else could be expected from you.” It is not surprising that they are constantly dissatisfied with themselves.
And finally, dissatisfaction with oneself can be one of the symptoms. Feelings of guilt, feelings of worthlessness and thoughts about your own uselessness - if you are familiar with these feelings, you should seek psychological help.
All these reasons may be interconnected.
For example, being overly demanding of ourselves can lead us to refuse to make efforts to achieve what we want. And why? After all, nothing good will come of it anyway. If we do not achieve what is important and valuable to us, the feeling of being a failure will grow and strengthen. With some predisposition, this can eventually lead to depression.
And it happens the other way around. A person develops depression - and he believes that there is nothing good and valuable in his life. These thoughts are so convincing that he forgets that when he was healthy, he loved and valued his work, family, friends, and hobbies.
The help of a psychologist when working with dissatisfaction with life and dissatisfaction with oneself is to find the reasons for what is happening and help eliminate them.
Help may be needed in understanding what is missing and planning how to add it into your life. Often one or two meetings with a professional psychologist are enough, and you can do the rest of the work yourself.
In other cases psychological help is to teach you to notice the good and evaluate yourself realistically, make reasonable demands on yourself, defend your interests, etc. In this case professional psychologist acts partly as a coach. He draws up a training plan, helps not to overstrain himself from unbearable loads, and supports him in case of failures. If the problem is depression, psychotherapy is necessary. Sometimes, in addition to psychotherapy, a psychologist may suggest seeing a doctor to prescribe medications.
We are all dissatisfied with ourselves sometimes and this is completely normal. But if this feeling does not go away for a long time and grows, come to us, together we will figure out what the reasons are and overcome the difficulties.
2015, Psychodynamics. When reprinting or copying texts, an active link to is required.
