Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon, I couldn’t find the question I was interested in in these sections, but I know for sure that I’m not the only one and decided to turn to a psychologist.

I have an 11-year-old son from my first marriage, and my husband also has a 5-year-old daughter from his first marriage. My husband and I have only recently lived together; the relationship between stepfather and son is neutral. The problem is me and his attitude towards his daughter. He spends a lot of time with her, and not just one-time meetings, walks and trips somewhere, but takes his daughter to the village 1 hour drive from the city (his relatives also live there) and all such trips are accompanied by overnight stays. The last time we left for 1.5 weeks, my daughter says she misses me very much, and she even forgets to call me back, not to mention to warn me that she’ll be staying in the village or just to ask how I’m doing. When my daughter is around, she completely forgets about me. But if my daughter calls, she immediately calls her back and sometimes just quickly ends the conversation with me. I am not against his communication with the child, but such sleepovers do not suit me. And I am very offended and probably humiliated by this attitude towards me, I feel superfluous. And he is angry that I am a grown woman and behave like a child. It’s not my fault that he doesn’t live with the child, my son doesn’t see his father at all (we live in different cities with ex-husband). I don’t know what to do, I’m very offended by this attitude, but what hurts me even more is that no matter what I say about my daughter, he perceives everything as aggression. Then, having really figured it out, he apologizes, because I was right in this or that situation. And his daughter also manipulates him, that it is not her reason that she calls him, and he, without understanding the situation, immediately goes into battle. I should probably, on the contrary, be happy about this attitude of my husband towards his daughter, because he himself did not grow up in a prosperous family and, in principle, his past relationships with women were little like good domestic trusting ones family relationships. I would like to understand that perhaps I am wrong in my judgments and his attitude like this is normal, and my jealousy towards this girl speaks to me. Although children love me very much, both little ones and my son's friends, I easily find relationships with them. mutual language. But I’m already quietly starting to hate her and I’m glad that her husband doesn’t bring her to our house. He doesn’t want to bring her back to the apartment, but in the village she is allowed to do everything and there she has her own toys and girlfriends, in general Fresh air and freedom. I myself don’t go to the village with them, there’s simply nowhere for all of us to stay, and I don’t want to interfere with their communication, I already feel superfluous, but with them it’s generally the same. My husband and I love each other very much, we solve problems easily, but our relationship with our daughter is always a reason for a quarrel, and sometimes it begins to seem to me that our relationship has no future. I can't stand it this long.

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello Julia!

As you correctly noted, the problem in relationships with new partners and their children from previous marriages is an exciting topic for many. But, as they say, everyone who encounters it solves it in their own way. Some people succeed more or less successfully, others fail in new relationships, not finding a way to solve this problem.

It seems to me that the main motive for approaching such a situation should be the understanding that people deciding on remarriage or a new relationship may have their own history, their own experience in relationships, which should be treated with respect, and not demanded to “cross out everything, what happened before us."

It seems to me that your letter contains a lot of bitterness and unfair accusations against the little girl! Starting from jealousy and ending with accusations of manipulative behavior.

Let's try together to track the feelings that you experience about your husband's relationship with his daughter.

Jealousy. Typically, jealousy is a consequence of lack of confidence in yourself and your strengths, as well as doubt that your partner will make a “comparison” in your favor, all other things being equal, with another woman. Jealousy of a little daughter from a previous marriage in this context looks, in my opinion, completely inappropriate! Only a woman who deeply doubts herself can see a competitor in a child. After all, she has a number of undoubted advantages on her side - life experience, the opportunity various forms satisfaction of desire, including sexual, which is acceptable and welcomed in society, while such a way of expressing love between an adult man and a child is not only not allowed by society, but is also punished by it.

Resentment. Watch yourself. How exactly does your jealousy towards an unequal partner manifest itself? Perhaps you are not so much jealous as you suffer from the lack of attention that your husband directs to his daughter? Well, then you just need to inform your spouse about this and discuss how he can show you his attention, so that you are not offended by his natural interest in your daughter and her development. You may be able to find some answers to this behavior in your childhood. It is possible that your father did not give you the attention that you, as a girl, needed, and now, seeing the relationship with your husband’s daughter, you are offended by this.

Parental separation sometimes manifests itself in children's behavior in very different ways. So you write that the relationship between your new husband and son is neutral, which personally seems to me not at all as neutral as you think. And the fact that your child is deprived of such an opportunity as seeing his father can even more cause natural jealousy of your new partner in your son, which he will carefully hide from you and from everyone, but which over time can break out in a very unexpected way. situation. By the way, your bitterness about this is also present in your attitude towards the father-daughter situation. Building new relationships is sometimes difficult even for adults, let alone children. They very often tend to blame themselves for their parents’ breakup, experience such a breakup, and experience the “betrayal” of one of the parents who is about to build a relationship with another partner again.

It’s good when everyone tries to build new relationships at once and with all members, especially with children from their other marriages. This difficult work will certainly allow all members of the new family to get to know each other and themselves better, and it will be easier to overcome all the difficulties of creating a new “unit of society.”

Therefore, I personally see that your reluctance to include your husband’s daughter in communication and establish contacts with her, perhaps even to get her as an ally in your desire to create a strong and friendly family, further aggravates the problem of your new family relationships and pushes back the understanding that You can be together.

Instead of insulting your inner child, try to release wisdom into the world adult woman. You will no longer be able to change the situation with your husband having a daughter in a previous marriage, but you can respect his right to be the father of his own child and support him in this natural and, today, quite rare impulse. If you can cope with your grievances, then you have a chance that your new husband will want, in response to your understanding and acceptance of the situation, to demonstrate attention and understanding for your son and replace him with the authority of an absent parent. This will be useful not only for your relationship with him, but also for your children from other marriages.

More joint communication, more understanding and acceptance. And then you yourself will discover that your spouse will become more gentle towards you, more attentive to your son, more caring husband and the father of the family, will no longer hide from your irritation by forgetfulness and unwillingness to listen to your reproaches about the lack of attention to you for the sake of communication with your daughter.

You are a woman, it is easier for you to understand and forgive. It is in your power to unite and build something new, and not to destroy and break what has already been established. Moreover, the unhappiness of his daughter due to the inability to be with her father will definitely not make you happier.

Wisdom and understanding to you!

4.7068965517241 Rating 4.71 (29 Votes)

Does a man worry about this? - the women will ask. After all, the stronger sex is strong enough to endure love trials. The opinion is very popular, but no less erroneous. Science confirms that the strong half of humanity survives a breakup love relationship heavier than the weaker sex.

And if you delve deeper into the analysis of family psychology, you will discover another fact - the psyche of guys is generally weaker than the psyche of girls. And it turns out that the stronger sex also cries, only inside itself. They are also capable of sentiment: remembering the first meeting, touching, kissing. The only difference is that they don't share it with anyone.

Okay, but what if it’s just an affair “on the side”? Alternative option– return to your spouse and live as before - do men experience a breakup in this case? Logically, there is no place for suffering here. After all, a person has an outlet - a legal wife and, probably, children, to whom he can immediately switch. In addition, there is always a chance to find a new sex partner.

All this is true and it seems that it should be so, but in reality it does not happen. Let’s agree right away that we are not considering a one-day affair with a friend whose name is forgotten the next day, but a long-term relationship between lovers in which feelings have already appeared. So, for anyone normal person, no matter how many “outlets” he has, parting with his beloved will always be something unpleasant, often associated with pain and depression.

What stages does a person go through after breaking up with his loved one? The breakup of a love relationship is considered by psychologists as a type of loss. Therefore, a lover who decides to stay with his wife and for some reason leaves his second beloved will not be able to quickly get into the usual rut. Here you will have to go through several emotional (and not entirely pleasant) stages. Some of them can be observed by the wife nearby.

The first stage is denial, the second is anger.

When in denial, the partner does not believe that he was able to lose his mistress, or rather, that this event is irreparable. Plans are still being made in his head to spend time together, and there is a glimmer of hope that this is just another quarrel, after which reconciliation will come.

Anger comes after realizing that the relationship is no longer there. Under the influence of anger, the behavior of a stronger half is not always predictable: emotions can manifest themselves openly, or they can rage inside and be invisible to others.

This stage is characterized by hidden accusations of the friend for her passivity, anger for the fact that she could not prevent his departure. Then the accusations fall on himself. Often the spouse can also be a victim. Especially if she is aware of what happened and the couple had a conversation on this topic. Often, a husband can harbor a grudge and mentally lead with his wife " cold war“or openly declare your indignation, finding fault with every little thing.

Stages three and four - bargaining and depression

He bargains with himself or gets in touch with his former beloved and arranges a bargain with her. What does bargaining mean? When a man experiences a breakup, he tries to set some deadlines in order to determine the time interval required for the return of his beloved. And this is normal, because this is how the psyche tries to cope with negative emotions and get used to the idea of ​​parting.

At some point, the realization comes that it is too late to do anything, and there is no point in denying what happened. Indifference, sadness and depression come to a person.

Fifth and final stage - new life

Depression turns into the understanding that all this time you have not lived, felt sorry for yourself and were in search of something uncertain. That’s when a man “reboots.” He pulls himself together, begins to make new plans and again feels the strength and desire to implement them.

Actions and deeds of men

How do men cope with a breakup? If a married man breaks up with his mistress, and if the end of the romance is put on a woman’s initiative, he feels a terrible emptiness - a vacuum, as psychologists call the phenomenon. This is especially acute when everything collapses suddenly, groundlessly, as if out of nowhere.

The situation is further aggravated by the presence of emotional dependence on a former passion. This case suggests all the reasons for the stress that the body is exposed to at all levels.

One of the reasons for this reaction is its secretive nature. Holding emotions inside and not wanting to splash them out leads to adrenaline levels going off scale in the blood. How does a man behave when he experiences this? He goes to great lengths. For example:

• Goes on an alcoholic binge. Sometimes it turns into addiction.
• He goes to the gym and expels his anger there (usually, he breaks his hands and bleeds).
• He gets into the car and rushes at high speed.
• Finds an active physical activity that he spends the whole day doing. This way, not only does aggression spill out, but also a state of physical exhaustion comes, which helps to “turn off” the thought process.

If a relationship is an addiction

According to research by psychologists, it is dependent partners who experience a break with their loved one the hardest. Such people are advised to immediately contact a psychotherapist, otherwise, trying to switch to something else, it is easy to fall from one addiction to another (for example, alcoholism).

Dependent people confuse their feelings with love. In fact, addiction is inherent in those who do not love themselves. That is why they desperately try to find love in another, believing in the illusion that he will make him happy and protected. But reality proves the opposite - if there is no love inside the person itself, then there will be no love outside.

An abandoned person needs to realize that his salvation is only in respect and self-love. If he is terrified of losing, this will definitely happen. This is the law of the universe.

But there is another option for separation - by mutual agreement. Here the situation is a little easier, and farewell will most likely be painless. The time spent together will leave the couple with pleasant memories and slight sadness, and instead of regret and pain, people will experience mutual gratitude. In this situation, it will be easier for a representative of the stronger sex if there is a loving wife, ready to forgive the betrayal and start all over again.

A proper separation, psychologists say, is when the void created after a break with a partner is filled with something pleasant and new. So, in some cases married man introduces his girlfriend to a new gentleman (someone of his acquaintances) and unobtrusively brings them together. This method is called “leaving unnoticed.”

How to get through a difficult period?

How to survive a breakup with your lover? Is there a recipe to make it easier to survive a breakup with your lover? If an event is difficult to experience, psychologists advise looking for the “pluses” (and they certainly exist) and concentrating on them.

For example:

1. Set a goal - to forget about what happened once and for all - and follow it relentlessly. Try to provoke yourself: arouse interest in sports, start a competition with yourself, test your inner strength.
2. You need to forget about SMS, phone conversations and letters from a man to his mistress. Delete previous correspondence, do not go on social networks to check when she was last online, and do not keep the phone near you for the long-awaited call. Believe me, the less time you devote to such actions, the less pain you will experience.
3. Think about your wife. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to imagine how she feels. If your spouse knows about going “to the left,” believe me, it’s even harder for her than for you. If she doesn’t know, then she probably noticed from your atypical behavior that something happened and she’s worried no less.
4. Think about the fact that sooner or later this had to happen. And be glad that it happened now, and not later, when the situation would have escalated to its peak, and your wife would have found out about the betrayal. Or you would have to take responsibility and make a choice between women.
5. It’s great that now you don’t have to be torn between two fires and sophisticated in lies and tricks.
6. When you leave, leave. Don't answer calls and texts, no matter how much you want to.
7. Take your wife and children (if you have any) and go on a two-week trip. After such an ordeal, men need to get closer to their family, a change of environment and new experiences more than ever. Perhaps, after all the storm of emotions, you and your wife will begin to new stage in marriage.

conclusions

Getting over a breakup takes time and can be frustrating. Be patient, you should feel like yourself again in six months, says David Wexler, a psychologist quoted in the article “ Best ways deal with the breakup." In the meantime time goes by encourage yourself and refrain from making important decisions.

It's sad to realize this, but modern society It is not uncommon for a man to live in two families. Of course, polygamy is prohibited in our country, but no one talks about two wives. Usually one wife is official, and the second is a common-law wife or, as they say, a mistress. You can sympathize with both. A woman, unlike a representative of the stronger sex, is more inclined to monogamy, so it is difficult to bear the understanding that she is not the only one with her beloved. Why do such situations arise, and is there a way out of them?

Who is hiding behind the face of the bigamist?

Psychologists note that dual relationships are characteristic of a morally immature man. Relationships in a couple give a person special integrity, but living in two families forces him to be torn between them, which, of course, is exhausting.

What are the reasons for this phenomenon?

One of the main and especially characteristic for our society is the financial security of a man. Most of today's rich people did not earn their money the easy way. They are tired, and there is also a family routine that requires attention. In such a situation, many businessmen are looking for an outlet, and often it becomes a young “second wife”, and not necessarily a beloved one. Another important fact - with a young beautiful girl It’s so easy to create the illusion of one’s own youth, the past years disappear, and with them all the problems. Therefore, a man supports his common-law wife, often has children from her, and provides for them. At the same time, divorce is not part of his plans, because he loves his official wife in his own way, especially since he has gone through and experienced a lot together with her.

However, sometimes a man really truly loves both women, or at least believes it. He is attached to them, losing one of them is for him great tragedy. It cannot be said that a person is not tormented by remorse; some even try to break up with one of the women, but in most cases without success.

Is it possible to be happy without being the only one?

Often women live quite happily with a husband who is often not at home. Agree, this way you have more time for yourself, for get-togethers with girlfriends or other things. In addition, if the husband does not plan to be at home, there is no need to stand at the stove preparing lunch or dinner.

This illusion of well-being, as a rule, persists until the woman finds out about her rival. Some wives fall into a state of shock when they learn that their husband's eternal business trips were not business trips at all. It happens that in the depths of her soul a woman guessed that not everything was in order in the relationship, but she drove away bad thoughts. One day she finds out that the man not only has another woman, but he literally lives with her as with his wife. Then you'll be calm, harmonious life fails.

What should a woman do?

A man lives in two families - this is the very situation when it is impossible to give the only correct advice. Many women choose to endure their husband's bigamy for years. There can be many explanations for this: material security, fear of depriving the child of his father, and even ordinary habit. Some people continue to love the traitor no matter what.

This situation is fraught with the emergence of many problems. Constant jealousy and suffering not only exhaust a woman, but can cause various diseases, sometimes very difficult. It’s not without reason that they say that all diseases are caused by nerves.

In addition, having learned who their rival is, some women may decide to take a desperate step. Everyone has heard stories about scandals and even fights between women, sometimes reminiscent of military battles.

Don’t forget about children, both from your official wife and from your mistress. In any case, the child will suffer, watching the grief of the mother, quarrels between parents and the constant absence of the father. Good provision, prestigious kindergarten or school, vacations in exotic countries will not help compensate the child for the lack of harmony in the family.

If at least one party suffers in a love triangle, of course, it would be better to end this relationship. It is known that in such cases a man rarely initiates a break with one of the women, so the woman should take the initiative into her own hands. Anyway, sooner or later such relationships will end, so maybe it would be better if this happens earlier?

Mention should also be made of situations where an ambiguous position suits all sides of the triangle. A wife may know about her husband’s mistress, but not worry too much about it: “if she gets mad, she’ll settle down.” An unofficial wife may be satisfied that a man provides for her. A man in such a situation will be even more pleased: two wives and no conflicts between them. Often this position persists until the death of one of the sides of the triangle. It is interesting that according to statistics, in most cases it is the man who dies first, and often from heart disease. Probably, bigamists still don’t live in peace. 5 votes)

Between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Women regularly come to me asking for help - they need to “discourage” their husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.

And I tell everyone who applies the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, the husband) cannot solve anything in such situations. He just can’t physically.

Let me explain it in my fingers.

We live among systems

In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of a building, a member of a theater studio, a son, a grandson, a friend, a matchmaker, a godfather, a brother, and so on.

A person belongs to these systems with varying degrees of attachment. And – what’s important! – the more attractive the system is for him, the more attached he is to it, the more more system he is attracted.

Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and nothing more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive enough to become attached to it.

I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life,” but here we’ll simply state that a person lives in such systems and these systems differ in the degree of attractiveness.

When the mind is powerless

While we live in a situation where different systems different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - priorities are set, goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and compote for the third.

The problems start where both systems become equally attractive.

For example, a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not overwhelmed by children and everyday life, always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is certainly attractive.

But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, children together, an established life, a fair amount of familiarity. The “wife” system is attractive in a different way, but no less.

This is where this crazy swing begins, when a man decides, that’s it, I’ll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind his crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever... And within a week he is going back - home, to his wife.

At this moment, the wife is happy, the children are relaxed, everything is back to normal…. And within a week the man is going back to his mistress.

It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed since he cannot make up his mind (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).

In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person will not be able to use it.

It is extremely natural for a person to be torn in such a situation. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off a tail (for lack of a tail).

A person cannot, simply cannot, take and choose in such a situation - he does not have sufficient resources in his head for this.

Be patient and wait

And here we come to the very difficult moment- to solve this situation.

I assure you, you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, at least in certain matters.

Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has the task of keeping a man (although why is he needed?), then she must wait and endure.

The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all others it is the most effective. So to speak - the best among the worst.

Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need to not put pressure.

After all, at some point the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to make a decision, and then her attractiveness to a man will begin to sharply decrease (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly encounter this at work).

And the wife is silent at this time and does not demand anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, one is drawn to her.

There’s no need to choose here - he’s back, he doesn’t want to go anywhere else, everything is the same again. That's the end of the fairy tale.

The only problem is that it is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult to endure and wait (and, by the way, usually for a very long time - until three years, It happens). Few people can survive all this.

And here the question for the woman is whether she is ready for such tests for the sake of this man. There is no correct answer here, everyone decides for themselves.

One thing I can say for sure is that other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.

Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does this not out of malice or weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the functioning of his head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will survive are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.

That's all I have, thanks for your attention.

Pavel Zygmantovich