Anna Bykova . An independent child, or how to become a "lazy mother"
Moscow: Bestseller, 2016

The Eksmo publishing house has launched a new author's series by the popular Russian psychologist, blogger, art therapist, mother of two children Anna Bykova, widely known in Runet as "Lazy Mom". This is a large long-term project, which will include books on the methodology of Anna Bykova and workbooks for development creativity children.

Once, taking part in an Internet discussion about the infantilism of the younger generation, Anna formulated a number of principles that later formed the basis of her article “I am a lazy mother”. She tried to convey a simple idea: if mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for the children, then the children would have to become more independent. The article had an amazing effect. From all over the country, Anna began to receive questions about raising children. Public VKontakte “Anna Bykova. "Lazy Mom" ​​has become widely known in Runet, the author's articles have caused and continue to cause active discussions, her name enjoys authority among progressive parents and practicing psychologists. Now you can read Anna's articles not only in electronic form!

The series opens with the book “Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom””, a fragment of which we publish. The book touches on an important social problem that is already quite acute in our country - the infantilism of the younger generation. Anna clearly showed the destructive connection between the overprotection of a child and the fate of an adult: some teenagers are not ready for independent living, adult children "sit on the neck" of elderly parents, infantilism is becoming the norm in many areas of life. So, not wanting it at all, parents make it difficult for their children to enter “independent swimming”. But if you think about it, the main task parents - to prepare the child for life, encourage his independence, give him all the conditions so that he can become what he wants. How to find a balance between overprotection and carelessness, how to cope with parental anxiety, how to learn to expand the scope for growing children, how to delegate responsibility to the child and make them believe in their own strength - these and other most discussed parental issues are revealed on the pages of the book.

A fragment of the book is published with the kind permission of the publisher

___________________

Anna Bykova

An independent child, or how to become a "lazy mother"

Fragment of the book

How to teach a child to clean up toys

This question is asked to me very often. In terms of popularity, the problem of cleaning toys comes right after the top three (potty, sleep, appetite). To be honest, I do not know of a single working algorithm, as a result of which each child will immediately begin to clean up after themselves. All children are different. We need different approaches, different arguments. Therefore, I simply give “toy stories” as material for reflection and search for a solution that may suit a particular mother and a particular child.

Story one

Arseny is two and a half years old. I put him to bed during the day and put him in the room perfect order: all in boxes, in boxes, typewriter to typewriter, cube to cube, book to book.

When Arseny woke up, the first thing he said in an offended and indignant manner:

- Mom, what are you? I got it, got it, and you took everything away!

And then I realized that our pictures of the world do not match - Arseniy has a completely different idea of ​​\u200b\u200border. Scattered toys are convenient, as everything is always in sight and at hand.

• Morality. The need for cleaning for a child is not obvious fact. The expediency of extra gestures in this direction still needs to be able to convey to him.

Story two

Kindergarten, group of three-year-olds. A typical situation: they grabbed all the toys from the shelves, played with them and immediately abandoned them. It never occurs to anyone that toys should be removed. What for?

I call the children to me.

- Guys, do you like to return home after playing in the kindergarten?

- And if you stayed in the garden for the night? If they forgot to pick you up? Would you like it?

- So the toys have their own houses, where they like to return after the game! Toys don't like being thrown around and forgotten about. Let's all return the toys to their houses, where they will be happy. Where do our dolls live?

• Morality. It is easier to convey a thought to a child if you rely on his experience.

Story three

Sasha is three years old. With his imagination, it seems that even toys are not needed. A roll is enough for him to have fun toilet paper. Cars drive along a snow-covered track, the track is a soft two-layer roll rolled around the apartment. “Oops,” I think, “again I didn’t have time to hide the last roll. It’s already late, I don’t feel like going to the store, I’ll have to use paper handkerchiefs ... ”At that time, a snow storm began. The soft two-layer from the tape-like turned into ... I don’t know what it turned into. The whole floor is strewn with small pieces. Satisfied Sasha rolls "in the snow", sprinkling himself with "snowflakes".

It's time for sleep. You should clean up before bed. But mom needs it, not Sasha, Sasha is satisfied with the "drifts". And mom doesn't like the mess. If mom commands: “Collect the garbage!”, Sasha will object: “This is not garbage! This is snow! Let it lie!” So, you need to convince the child that the snow needs to be collected.

- Sash, Santa Claus really needs your snow.

- Yes?! What for?

- It's May. The snow has melted. Santa Claus is hot. And your snow does not melt. Santa Claus will protect you from the sun with snow. Let's rake all the snow in this bag.

“Mom,” Sasha asks, already sweeping scraps of paper into the bag, “how will the snow get to Santa Claus?”

“How, how,” I think up right off the bat, “the magic deer will pick up the package with its antlers and take it away.

- Is he coming to our house?

- Why. We will leave the package on the balcony. He will jump.

Sasha carefully collected all the "snowflakes" into a bag.

Arseniy (he heard everything) carefully asked me about the ethics of such motivation:

Mom, are you lying?

No, I'm not lying. I invent a fairy tale for Sasha, and he plays it. Is it bad for anyone?

• Morality.

Story four

She was told by a participant in the parent training, she is not about toys, but also about cleaning and about turning cleaning into exciting game.

- I came up with a game: one of the forks became the queen. And this ugly woman decided to expel all dirty dishes. And after all, what miracles, with a revision, I decided to come exactly when we had eaten. Already several times I tried to expel my son's favorite plate from the kitchen, I saw it myself. Of course, I could help, but Their Majesty ordered her subjects to keep me away from the sink. And so, under the cover of dinosaurs, my son Savva manages to get to the sink every time to save his plate from expulsion. The plot changes a little every time, but the result is that after each meal, Savva washes his dishes more and more often.

• Moral (same). Any activity for a child will be more attractive if it can be turned into a game.

Story five

Sasha is four years old. I set a task for him: to remove the toys. He starts whining that it's a long time, that there are a lot of toys, that he won't cope, that he'll get tired, and that it would be nice to help him.

There is such a mess in the nursery that even I had the feeling that it was impossible to clean it up.

- Well, - I say, - now collect only the cars in this box.

The task is simple and clear, and Sasha quickly copes.

- And now only the cubes in this box ... And now all the soldiers in this box ... Well, now, it remains only to pick up the garbage.

Morality. If the task seems abstract and impossible, it should be broken down into concrete simple subtasks.

Story six

I set a task for the children: now Sasha collects toys, after which Arseniy vacuums. The vacuum cleaner made a noise somehow suspiciously quickly ... I go into the room and see: all the scattered toys have migrated from the floor to other horizontal surfaces. Now the table, sofa, window sill are littered with toys. Sasha, with a sense of accomplishment, reclines on the sofa among pistols, swords and dinosaurs. It is logical that this does not prevent Arseny from vacuuming.

• Morality. When setting a task, it is important that there is a common understanding of what the result should be.

Story Seven

New kindergarten. The group has just been recruited. There are several dolls, several hares, several cars, a couple of designers. There are ten children who have learned to clean up toys after themselves in two weeks of being in kindergarten. Children quickly learned where hares, dolls, cars and cubes "live". Cleaning up after the game was easy. And then they bought new games and toys for the kindergarten: finger puppets, dishes, "hospital", balls, more designers, pyramids, puzzles, mosaics, animals, railway, locomotives with wagons, lotto, dominoes ... I put everything on the shelves, according to the principle of each toy - its place. And in the morning the children came and swept everything on the floor. Not from evil, of course, and not from hooligan motives. It's just how they play. At the age of two or three years, children do not yet burden the games with plot ideas. Simple manipulations with objects: I turned it in my hands and threw it on the floor. The more toys on the shelves, the more then on the floor - pulled out, enthusiastically playing. But now it's time for dinner. Children do not have the strength and patience to clean up. They were able to lift toys from the floor, but classifying and putting them in their places is an impossible task for them. In one box were the details of the designer, and cubes, and pyramid rings, and dishes, and a finger theater.

Morality. There should be as many toys within reach as the child can pick up.

R.S. After that, I left the old set of toys plus pyramids. And new toys were introduced gradually, as the children remembered where to put what. Offering a new toy, telling how to play with it, I did not forget to show “her place of residence”. There were some hints: on a shelf or a box I pasted an image of the toy that “lives” there. If the child forgot where to put the pyramid, he simply looked for the corresponding picture on the shelf.

Story Eight

One plate is easier to wash than ten, obviously. If you wash the dishes right after eating, it will not cause as many unpleasant emotions as a whole mountain of cups and plates accumulated during the day.

One toy is easier to put away than ten. If you teach a child to return the doll / car to its place immediately after the game, then then you will not have to rake up a whole mountain of toys. The request "Put the doll in the crib" does not cause as much negativity and resistance in the child as "Clean up all the toys."

I understand that it is difficult: all day long to keep track of who took what and where they threw it. Yes, and constant control is annoying: “Roma, if you want to knock on the drum, put the engine in its place. Why did you throw him under the table? And you also have to endlessly remind the rule: "Before you take a new toy, return the old one to its place." And repeat with the children in chorus:

We are good guys
We are always fine.
We live by the rule
We played - we'll take it!

(For some reason, children learn the rules in verse better.)

But with all this, the result was noticeable after three weeks. Cleaning time has been cut three times. The number of nerves spent on cleaning also decreased, but this parameter cannot be measured.

Morality. Purely not where they sweep, but where they do not litter. It is easier to maintain the current order than to periodically arrange a total cleaning..

Story nine

- Go for a walk already, otherwise I won’t have time to wash! - A nanny, when she works for two groups, becomes understandably impatient.

- Sveta, now, we will only collect toys.

Leave the toys! I'll pick it up myself!

- Of course, it's faster. Only if now we let the children throw away their toys, tomorrow we will no longer be able to convince them that we must definitely clean everything up.

- How long do I have to wait for you?

- Don't wait, take it slow. But not with the words: “What are you digging! Let me do everything myself faster! ”, And with the words:“ Guys, well done, clean up well! Let me help you a little."

• Morality. Parenting is constancy, not something from case to case.
• More morality. If you want results - praise, it stimulates the desire to try. And criticism can kill that desire.

Story ten

Periodically, not only new toys appeared in the group, but also new children. They didn't know how to clean up toys according to the rules. And some still did not want to learn it.

- Yegorka, why don't you clean up? All the guys put the toys in their places, and you continue to play.

- I'm tired.

- If you are tired, sit here on a chair, rest. When you relax or get bored, come help us.

Sitting in a chair is boring. But I don't want to help. The guys put away toys, drank juice and went for a walk. There are also toys on the street: cars, scoops, shovels, balls.

- Yegorka, why are you taking a spatula? And suddenly you get tired?

- Yegorka, don't touch the typewriter. Sit, rest.

- Yegorka, why are you taking the ball? Then you also need to put it in its place, and you get tired ...

Yegorka can't stand it:

- Yes, I will not get tired!

“And will you take it later?”

- Good. Take what you want, but be sure to return it to its place.

• Morality. Who does not clean up after himself, he does not play!

P. S. At home, I implemented this rule as follows: if the toys remained on the floor after the game (what a stubbornness!), I put them in a box on the mezzanine and took them out only after a week.

P. P. S. A participant in my training for parents told a story about the application of the same rule - "He who does not clean up after himself does not play!" - in a game format familiar to the child:
- Toys must be removed. I taught, I taught my son to do this, for two years we cleaned the toys together, and then one day the son objected: “I won’t do it, let them lie like that.” Well, let them lie, let's go to sleep. And in the morning we wake up - toys at front door lined up, getting ready to go! Dima to them: where are they going? “Look for new owners and new houses, otherwise it’s cold on the floor.” We looked, the racing car slipped through, skittles and a couple of books managed to escape when dad came out. Dimka and I went to look for them. It turns out that the concierge managed to catch the fugitives! The concierge was given candy in gratitude for her vigilance. And the toys now always sleep in their places.

When help is bad

Once, Vanya's mother (he is two and a half) asked me for a consultation. She complained about tantrums, the reason for which is the desire of the child to do everything on his own.

- Shouts: I AM! - and when he takes it and he doesn’t succeed, at least run out of the house so as not to hear his cries.

Mom gives examples, while Vanya draws. She reaches for a blue pencil - mother automatically takes a pencil and gives it to him. Then the boy drops the pencil, and it rolls under the table. Vanya gets down from the chair to get the fallen one, but mom is ahead again. Without interrupting the conversation with me, she picks up the pencil herself and gives it to Vanya.

I ask my mother:

- Vanya could reach the pencil himself?

- Could he pick up a pencil from the floor?

"So why didn't you let him do it?"

“I wanted to help...

- Why? He himself could. And he didn't ask for help.

This is how the mother, trying to help the child, limited his activity and independence. Vanya defended his right to independent action with tantrums. Mom (unconsciously) yielded, allowed her to show independence in what Vanya was not yet capable of: for example, tying her shoelaces. Imagine the feelings of a child: he was finally allowed to do something himself, but he did not succeed ...

Help the child only when he cannot do something on his own. Give him the opportunity to try his hand, evaluate his capabilities - this is a key factor in the development of the child.

If you see that the child is not succeeding, do not tell him: “Let me do it,” and even more so: “Let me faster I'll do", "Come on, better I'll do it" - this is a blow to children's pride, a direct message: "You didn't succeed", "I'm better." The child needs your support, encouragement, not your superiority. But just to praise, without lack of results, is also not necessary. After all, the child understands that he did not succeed well and that he is not truly praised. Consider, he can conclude that a priori he is always well done, and then why try. Your task is to teach the child to notice his achievements and, so to speak, outline prospects. Even if he failed to tie his shoelaces, today he got the tip of the shoelace into the right hole. This is definitely a success, and the kid deserves praise: “Well done, you already manage to thread the lace. Let me help you tie it up. You will soon learn to tie yourself.”

This rule also applies to older children. If the child does not ask for help - do not climb. If asked, help. Just do it with him, not instead of him. And do not forget to praise him for what he did really well. Or objectively not the highest score, but subjectively better than yesterday - also praise. It is important that the child notice the dynamics of change - this motivates, because tomorrow will be even better.

The main mission of an adult is to grow a person who can succeed in all aspects of life. Is it possible without titanic efforts? Many people think not. After all, raising a child difficult process. Therefore, they focus all their attention on the baby. Especially for mothers. Most of the burden falls on their shoulders. They have neither desire nor patience for themselves "beloved". What to do? Forget about your interests, and completely focus on the baby, meekly waiting for him to become independent? Or maybe try to make it independent today? Is it possible?

Anna Bykova, the author of the essay “Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom””, which caused a lot of different gossip, declares with confidence - “yes”. You just need to learn how to behave properly with your child, switch to another wave that will satisfy not only the interests of the child, but also yours. All. Life will be completely different. Which? Light, positive, bright. Proper upbringing, competent distribution of responsibilities will help to grow a harmonious, holistic, personality free from your guardianship from a baby.

Anna Bykova is a practicing psychologist who works with adults and children. She is ready to teach all women to stop being perpetually preoccupied mothers. After studying the book, you will understand how to do everything, as you will find a lot of practical advice on the pages. You will understand: it is easy to be well-groomed, elegant, positive. “Independent child, or how to become a “lazy mom”” talks about how to raise happy personality taking into account their interests. After all, the mission of the mother is not to dwell on the desires of the baby. It is important to remain a full-fledged person, whose life is filled with diverse deeds and concerns.

Anna Bykova tried to write the book in a simple and plain language. In its open spaces there are no complex intricate words and phrases. On the contrary, the expanses of the treatise “Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom”” are permeated with humor. So it will be easy to read. After reading the interesting information in detail, start applying the recommendations. Your child's life and yours will change dramatically.

Reading the book is useful for parents of all ages. After all, the wisest mother will never refuse good advice. After reading the book, you will better understand your children, help them to believe in themselves, teach them to make decisions on their own. Believe me, the child will be grateful for the right to choose. The psychologist is sure of this, and invites everyone to the pages of the work "Independent child, or how to become a" lazy mother "". If you start reading today, you will understand how to make time for yourself tomorrow.

On our literary website, you can download the book Anna Bykova “Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom”” for free in suitable for different devices formats - epub, fb2, txt, rtf. Do you like to read books and always follow the release of new products? We have big choice books of various genres: classics, modern science fiction, literature on psychology and children's editions. In addition, we offer interesting and informative articles for beginner writers and all those who want to learn how to write beautifully. Each of our visitors will be able to find something useful and exciting.

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of a huge number of things.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

How to be a lazy parent

In fact, laziness with this approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.

Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mom.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.

Not to do for the child what he can already do is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at the age of one and a half, a child can cope with a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put toys away, at five - heat breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, clothe, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for the baby, ask yourself the question: why can't the child do it himself? It is one thing - he cannot physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

Another thing is that he cannot, because he does not want to, requires attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if the child simply does not yet know how, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don't do it for him

You need to teach the child according to the scheme “show → do it together → let it be done with a hint → let it be done by yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days to make the house safe and teach the child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve the problem, do not solve for the child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he “can’t”. How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They will help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow your child to make mistakes.

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. The lazy will not scold the child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for the jacket that is too light, not for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, be there and lend a shoulder.

It's harder than doing it all on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every "don't"

Some of the bans are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

Anna Bykova

Therefore, “no” can only be that which is unsafe. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to jump off your tongue, stop, think, answer yourself the question: “Why not?”

Anna Bykova

If it’s impossible because it’s more convenient for you, then you won’t see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get your child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child get the experience of independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”

Anna Bykova

When a child can do something, but does not want to, interest him. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make sure that the child stops needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from pedagogical experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

Preface.
It so happened that this article appeared on other people's blogs years before my own. But I think it’s also worth starting my blog with her ... Two years ago, I posted a note “I am a lazy mom” on one of the psychological sites in response to a debate in the forum about the infantilism of the younger generation. Six months later, I received a call from Minsk, from the editorial office of the journal Psychology and Me, and asked permission to publish it as an article. Two years passed, and people began knocking on my VKontakte page who were interested in whether I was the author of an article about a lazy mother. It turns out that the article is discussed on various forums, people post it on their blogs, post it in communities, share it in contact ... And some kind of truncated version of the article is walking on the Internet. From which not everyone understands that, in fact, it is not about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. About the difference between "too lazy to teach, I'll do it myself quickly" and "too lazy to do, I'd rather spend my efforts on learning." You can read more about the educational approach, in which there is no place for hyper-custody, suffocating, sacrificial parental love, but there is acceptance, responsibility and the formation of healthy boundaries of the individual, you can read in my book

An excerpt from the book by Anna Bykova "Independent child, or how to become a" lazy mother "

Why am I a lazy mom?

Yes, lazy. And also selfish and careless - as it may seem to some. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. So it is necessary to provide the child with the opportunity to display these qualities.

During the period of work in kindergarten I have seen many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that he must always eat everything. And then he will lose weight. I don't know how they fed him at home, but Slavik came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. He mechanically chewed and swallowed everything put on his plate. Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he still doesn’t know how to eat” (!!!) And so I feed him on the first day and observe a complete absence of emotions on his face. I bring a spoon - opens his mouth, chews, swallows ...
I must say that the cook in our garden especially often fails to make porridge. Many children this time refused to eat porridge (and I understand them perfectly). Slavik is almost finished. I ask: "Do you like porridge?" "No" - opens his mouth, chews, swallows. "Want more?" I bring the spoon. "No" - opens his mouth, chews, swallows. "If you don't like it, don't eat it!" Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He did not know that this was possible… At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. And then he began to eat with the addition of the dish he liked and calmly pushed the plate with the unloved one. He had the freedom to choose. And then we stopped spoon-feeding Slavik and he started eating by himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will eat himself.

I am a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At a year and a half they were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the habit of independent eating was formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor and the child himself after each meal. But this is my choice between “too lazy to teach, I’ll do it myself quickly” and “too lazy to do it myself, I’d rather spend my efforts on learning.”

Another natural need is "to relieve the need." Slavik was urinating in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our bewilderment with a recommendation to take the child to the toilet by the clock - every two hours. “I always put him on the pot myself at home and keep him on the pot until he does all the work.” That is, a three-year-old child was expecting that they would also take him to the toilet and persuade him, without waiting, he wet his pants, and did not even guess to change, take off these wet pants, ask for help from the teacher. If parents anticipate all the desires of the child, the child does not learn to want and ask for help ... A week later, the problem of wet pants was solved in a natural way. "I want to pee!" proudly informed the group Slavik, heading to the toilet.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress on their own, invent something for themselves, ask for help, solve their problems. I do not urge to give their children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that at home until 3-4 years old the child is better. I'm talking about reasonable parental egoism, in which the child is not strangled by overprotection and leaves him space for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a 2-year-old child. At 21.00 she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, became stubborn, struggled, but his mother insistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my mother from her goal: “In my opinion, he doesn’t want to sleep yet” (It’s natural, he recently came, there are children, new toys) But my friend persisted in putting him to sleep ... The confrontation continued more than an hour. As a result, her child still fell asleep. Following him, my child fell asleep. When he was tired, he crawled into his bed and fell asleep. I am a lazy mom. I'm too lazy to keep the baby in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

On weekends, I like to sleep long hours. One Saturday, I woke up at about 11. My son, 2.5 years old, was sitting and watching a cartoon, chewing a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself, he also found a DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found corn flakes and kefir. And, judging by the scattered cereal, spilled yogurt and a dirty plate in the sink, he had already had breakfast. And the eldest (he is 8 years old) is no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents to the cinema. I am a lazy mom. I said that I was too lazy to get up so early. And if he wants to go to the cinema, then let him set his own alarm and get ready. Wow, I didn’t overslept ... (In fact, I also set an alarm for myself, setting a vibrating alert as a signal, listened to how he was getting ready and closing the door, waiting for an SMS from my friend’s mother, but for the child it remained “behind the scenes”)

And I’m too lazy to check my briefcase, backpack for sambo, dry my son’s things after the pool. And I'm too lazy to do lessons with him. I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws out the trash on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier ...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. The elder immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework, warm up his lunch, make a sandwich, pack a bag and go to school in the morning. And even falling asleep alone is afraid. Grandma should be next to you! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are dependent, infantile, if it is beneficial for adults.

psychologist Anna Bykova

Anna Bykova

Schoolchildren of the "lazy mom"

© Bykova D., text, 2018

© Publishing House Eksmo LLC, 2018

From this book you will learn:

How to choose the right school

How to deal with grades

How to do homework without tension and stress

How to deal with school bullying

How to confront the teacher if he violates the boundaries of the child's personality

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Introduction

Fall is parent-teacher season. I learn in kindergarten from the educators of my youngest son that now the MOST IMPORTANT thing is preparation for school. And at school I learn from the teachers of my eldest son that now the MOST IMPORTANT thing is preparation for the exam. And it doesn't matter how many more years to wait for this moment. Even the head teacher of an elementary school speaks about the exam at a meeting of parents of future first graders. Future! That is, children still have a whole year before school, and parents are already being scared by the exam. As if nothing more important could happen in eighteen years of life. As if all childhood is a period when you need to prepare for exams. As if there is no future after a badly passed exam...

Why create such tension? There are already known cases of teenage suicides associated with excitement and anxiety on exam days. Please parents, stay calm. Good mental health is more important than good grades.

In my school childhood real example prodigy girls. Phenomenal memory. Rapid assimilation of large amounts of information. Parents were proud and aspired, she was transferred from class to class ahead of schedule. She approached her final exams at the age of twelve as a candidate for gold medal. But when passing the last exam, the girl was so worried that it happened to her nervous breakdown. I do not know the details, because at that time she was still small. I only know that she was treated for a long time in a psychiatric hospital, and after that she could no longer study ... I somehow came to the city of my childhood. My friends and I decided to go skiing. We went to the rental office, and there I saw this prodigy girl. That is, now the aunt is thirty years old. She worked as a cloakroom...

I remembered this sad story when I visited a parent-teacher meeting at a linguistic gymnasium. Just an informational meeting of the head teacher of an elementary school with parents who want to take their children to preparatory courses. Another year before school. But what tense faces the parents have ... Especially at the moment when the head teacher says that not everyone will enter the gymnasium, that there will be a strict selection based on the results of four control works that children will write during the year. Six-year-olds?! Control?! Yes. And according to the results of each control there will be individual interviews with parents.

I track the reaction of adults. Someone starts drumming nervously on their knees. Someone starts fiddling with the purse. Someone squeezes into the back of the chair and slides a little under the desk. Muscle memory reacted to the word "control". Mine too, I wanted to run away from the meeting immediately. That is, at first my feet turned in the direction of the door, and then I became aware of a springy bodily impulse: “I want to run away.” But I stayed. I sat and looked at the tense poses of my parents, listened to the head teacher’s instructions about “it’s necessary in fifteen minutes to have time to change the shift”, about “obligatory homework”, and I really wanted to extend my child (and myself) a carefree childhood for another year ... As a result I decided not to take Sasha to preparatory courses. It will be safer for the psyche if he meets with everything that is “strictly mandatory” a year later.

I also had an idea for a new book. Books for parents on how to survive these wonderful school years. No neurosis, no violence, no parental inferiority complex, no need to drink valerian.

The theme of the school is close to me. I know the school not only from the outside, as a parent of schoolchildren, but also from the inside, as a psychologist who other parents often turn to for help with school problems, and as a teacher who has worked for many years in the public education system. By first education I am a teacher of mathematics and computer science. After graduating from high school, she came to work at a school, taught computer science at primary school. Then she taught computer science and discrete mathematics already in college, was the curator of freshmen. Over time, a psychological view of the very situation of learning at school was added to the pedagogical experience. To be honest, the psychological and pedagogical views on the problems of schoolchildren are very different. Even when raising my own children, different parts of “I” often argue in me. Internal characters: teacher, psychologist, parent. Therefore, in this book I will present not one point of view, but three points of view at once. That is, I will look at situations from the point of view of the teacher, from the point of view of the psychologist and from the point of view of the mother.