Loneliness is a state in which there is a loss of connection with others, with the outside world. And of course, it is familiar to everyone. For some, to a greater extent, for others, to a lesser extent, someone is acutely and painfully experiencing loneliness, but for someone it is a colossal source of creative energy.

Loneliness can be very different. For example, the state of loneliness caused by some external factors (death of a loved one, moving to another country, job change, divorce) is called situational feelings of loneliness. After some time, having lived and accepted the loss, a person partially or completely overcomes loneliness.

The search for one's place in the world, the awareness of one's finiteness and the fact that all people are inherently alone is called existential loneliness. Most often, it occurs during natural age crises, most acutely during a midlife crisis. In this case, trying to drown out this loneliness can only aggravate the situation. It is much more useful to perceive this state as a chance to understand something in yourself, as a temporary stop to look around and see where I am going, with whom, do I need it, am I interested in what I am doing. And here the experience of loneliness can be the most important resource for rethinking, self-development and creativity.

There is another kind of loneliness - chronic loneliness- in which a person stays for a long period of time. Who falls into the "risk zone" of people with a high tendency to chronic loneliness? First of all, these are people with low self-esteem who avoid contact with other people for fear of being criticized. Shy, unsociable natures (introverts). People with a lack of social skills, or full of fears and prejudices. Often the "tendency to loneliness" is laid down in childhood. This is often associated with traumatic childhood experiences. For example, an infant whose needs have not been fully met grows up feeling that the world is hostile and dangerous. If a child has not formed a basic trust in the world, then loneliness becomes a habitual state for him.

So what about those who feel lonely, those who lack a warm, supportive environment?

1. Accept yourself

Low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of entering into close relationships with other people - all this is a symptom that a person has no contact with himself, with his inner strength. Yes, restoring contact with yourself is a slow process that requires analysis, patience and courage. Working with a psychologist, various bodily practices, such as yoga, dance, sports, as well as any creative activity that interests you, can help you with this.

2. Improve your social skills

Expand your social circle - among hundreds of people it is easier to find a like-minded person than among a dozen. In addition, you will be more likely to acquire new habits and attitudes, which will give you the opportunity for personal growth and significantly expand the circle of people whose views and aspirations coincide with your life position. Sign up for a communication training, find a group of people for yourself with similar interests.

3. Talk about your feelings of loneliness

4. Get out of your comfort zone more often

Actively look for ways to find new contacts and new experiences. Meet on the street, go to theaters, museums, sign up for some courses. Anything that gives you the feeling of discovering previously unknown paths will do. Yes, trying something new is scary and exciting. But only in this way can you fill the inner void, get to know your inner strength and find people who are close to you in spirit. But meeting people who are not like you can also be a good experience for you!

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Despite the fact that most of us live surrounded by many other people, we nevertheless often experience a feeling of loneliness that robs us of the joy of life. Loneliness corrodes our soul and makes our life meaningless, sometimes turning it into continuous torment. Many of you will surely agree with me that loneliness is bad, very bad and sad. Meanwhile, there are so many people around us that it would seem that there can be no talk of any loneliness, but nevertheless it exists and we feel it. Why do we feel lonely and why is loneliness perceived by us so painfully? And most importantly - what do we do with loneliness, how to get rid of it? We will talk about this, dear readers, in this article. And if you feel like a lonely person, I will help you solve this problem.

Loneliness is a special emotional state of a person in which he feels his uselessness and does not feel himself. A lonely person loses his sense of himself due to the lack of contact with other people, he falls into a void in which he, as a person, does not exist. This emotional state occurs at the moment when a person does not receive full attention from other people, when he does not feel a positive emotional connection with people or is afraid of losing it. At the same time, there can be a lot of people around him and they can even communicate with him. It's all about the form of this communication - a person can simply not be listened to, not heard and not understood. Often, when communicating with people, we feel that they simply do not hear us, and therefore do not understand, and therefore we begin to feel lonely. It turns out that communication with people seems to be happening with us, but it resembles communication with a wall, from which there is little use. So it’s not at all necessary to live on a desert island and be isolated from society in order to feel lonely, you can, surrounded by a huge number of people, not only feel, but really be a lonely person - if everyone doesn’t give a damn about you.

But why don't we give a damn about those who don't give a damn about us? And because we are social beings, we all depend on each other, because we are parts of a single whole, not to mention the fact that each of us needs a partner for a fulfilling life. This is how nature intended for a person to strive to continue his race and support life on earth and to take care not only of himself, but also of the people around him, since this increases his survival. Together, people are capable of much, they were able to build a civilization and together they can solve any problems they have, but one by one they will simply die out. Therefore, such a socio-psychological phenomenon as loneliness is quite understandable. We feel lonely because we make ourselves so - we alienate, move away from each other, we emphasize our individuality, forgetting about the need to fit into the society around us, noticing other people in it and becoming noticeable ourselves. And we will never be comfortable until we are objectively lonely, until we learn to be not only ourselves, but also a part of the society in which we live, and preferably, a part of all of humanity. So we cannot be indifferent to other people, especially when we lack attention, communication, understanding, respect and love. However, if we receive too much attention from other people, we inevitably begin to neglect it, we begin to choose - with whom it is interesting and profitable for us to communicate, and with whom not. If you don’t have friends, don’t have the right partner, you will certainly feel lonely. But it is quite possible, friends, that you yourself, too, at the moment do not notice someone who notices you. Think about it.

Loneliness, meanwhile, has a positive side - it is solitude. Some people do not need constant and abundant communication with other people, they can have a full-fledged internal dialogue with themselves, they can think, read books, do some favorite things and they will be quite comfortable. Loneliness for such people is not a punishment, but grace, however, in moderation, because, as mentioned above, we all need contacts with people and their attention to us. But to a certain extent, we all need solitude, it’s another matter that because of this we should not close ourselves off from the outside world, otherwise we will become outcasts, loners, people closed in on ourselves. And this will not do us any good, rest assured. Therefore, do not try to replace communication with people with communication with yourself; this will not save you from loneliness. Supplement communication with people with communication with yourself - supplement, but do not replace it with it, live a full life - look for suitable interlocutors and communicate with them.

But let's get back to the negative side of loneliness, after all, for most people, loneliness is a problem, not a blessing, which they somehow need to solve in order not to suffer because of it. And how can it be solved? First, friends, you need to find out what causes this problem. Pay attention to the way you live and how you relate to other people. If you lead an estranged lifestyle, if for some reason you are isolated from other people, then you need to correct this situation - you need to go out to people in order to be able to communicate with them. If you communicate with people, but at the same time you do not understand them, and they do not understand you, because of which you have conflicts during communication, forcing you to move away from them or them to move away from you, then you definitely need to work on your manner of communication. In most cases, we are deprived of attention to ourselves by other people, because of our misunderstanding of them, which we interpret as their misunderstanding of us. But blaming other people for not wanting to communicate with us or not wanting to understand us is simply pointless. People behave with us the way they want and how they are forced to behave, and most importantly, they behave with us the way we allow them to behave with us. So if we do not want to hear each other, then our communication will be so meaningless that it can be compared with communication with the wall, and therefore, there can be no mutual understanding and speech in such dead communication. So why do we spit on each other, why don't we notice each other, don't hear each other and don't want to understand each other? Is it all about our upbringing? Yes, and in it too, many people are selfish and therefore indifferent to other people, and those, in turn, are indifferent to them. So we all feel lonely, even in large cities, where there are a lot of people, and even having the Internet at hand, where you can communicate with anyone and on any topic. But selfishness is selfishness, and the main problem for a person who makes other people lonely, and at the same time himself, is his lack of need for other people. We don't need each other enough to want to understand each other. Or rather, we believe that we do not need each other, and we often see other people as more enemies than friends, and therefore we try to move away from them or simply not notice them. Because of this, as I said above, we ourselves make ourselves lonely. We should have a need for those around us, then we will be more open and friendly to them, and if we don’t feel this need, then other people will only interfere with us.

How often do we complain that we lack attention, love, respect, understanding? And what have we personally done to ensure that we have all this? Do we accept the love offered to us by other people who sincerely love us, do we respect their attention to us, do we try to understand other people when we communicate with them? Alas, friends, but in most cases we do nothing of this, in any case, most of us do not properly appreciate the attention, love, understanding and respect for ourselves from other people. And as a result, some of us come to proud loneliness, in which some people, because of their pride and perseverance, remain throughout their lives. But all you need is to try to understand other people, try to hear them and find a common language with them. But people are too selfish for this, they are mainly guided by their own feelings, their own desires, their own interests, and they do not care about others. Sometimes this is justified, sometimes not, but in most cases, not feeling the need for attention from some people, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live a rich and fulfilling life in which we will have many friends and fans. They don’t get lonely just like that, this is necessarily preceded by certain actions on the part of a person that force people to move away from him. Sometimes friends, you really should be simpler so that people start reaching out to you.

However, some people, with all their desire, are not able to establish positive contacts with other people, they are either uncommunicative themselves, or because of the negative experience of the past they have become so. Also, very often, communication difficulties arise in people with low self-esteem, because of which they are simply afraid to communicate, they are afraid of being unheard, misunderstood, and not accepted. There are other psychological factors that contribute to loneliness. So, if you find it difficult to establish contacts with people, because of low self-esteem, because of fear of them, because of your lack of sociability or for some other reason, then start working on yourself, either on your own or with the help of a specialist . Otherwise, you will create a vicious circle, when your inability and unwillingness to communicate with people will lead you to the fact that your self-esteem will fall even lower and your fear of people will become even greater. And then you may have depression, with all its inherent "charms" that can finally poison our lives. You definitely need to develop your communication skills in order to be able to make acquaintances with interesting people. And if you are already quite sociable, but there are few people around you with whom you could communicate and who could understand you, then you should urgently pay attention to your behavior in order to understand what exactly you should change in it. . Loneliness always has reasons that lie primarily in ourselves. When we feel the loneliness of the soul, when it seems to us that the whole world is against us, that no one needs us and our whole life is a complete misunderstanding, be sure that we do not understand something at this moment, we lose sight of something and something we do not attach importance.

I am absolutely sure that many people need each of us, just as we ourselves also need many of them. We all need each other, in one way or another. As soon as we realize this, we will certainly open up to each other and become closer to each other, and not physically closer, there seems to be no problem with this today, but spiritually. It is time for us to abandon the consumer attitude towards people and move to a new level of perception of this world, in which our relations with each other will acquire a qualitatively new form. People must grow and develop so that such primitive and meaningless problems as loneliness stop bothering them. I also recommend that you engage in some creative activity that more than compensates for the lack of attention to you from other people. Sometimes we just feel alone, but we are not really so, we simply do not have the opportunity to express ourselves and therefore it seems to us that no one understands us. Express yourself in some work that is interesting to you, because every person without exception has some kind of talent, revealing and developing which he is able to surprise the world with his wonderful creation and express himself in this way. Then attention, and recognition, and respect, and love will be provided to you. People can't help but notice the person who created something beautiful.

And do not be afraid of people, friends. Of course, they are not ideal, and sometimes dangerous, but none of us can live a full life without them. You do not have to communicate with all people, communicate only with those who are closer to you in spirit and character, this will be quite enough so that you do not feel lonely. Try to study people, understand them, study their interests, goals, desires, and then you will be able to merge into their picture of the world and help them understand you. Draw their attention to yourself with the help of your activity and energy, because active and energetic people are hard to miss. Keep in mind that many people simply do not understand what their life should be like, what kind of people they should surround themselves with in this life, and who needs them in it. Therefore, try to convince them that they need you, show them yourself in all its glory. And you will be accepted. People are confused in their own created world, in which there is so much information that you can drown in it. Therefore, it is often difficult for them to focus their attention even on themselves, not to mention someone else who surrounds them. There are people around, but the person does not notice them, does not fully communicate with them, and therefore feels lonely. Loneliness is a problem we have imagined, in reality it does not exist. There is only misunderstanding by people of each other and their inattention to each other, because of which this heavy feeling arises.

The list of descriptions of loneliness can be anything, but the reasons for which loneliness arises, and the effect it has on a person, can be unmistakably recognized and the most accurate way out of the feeling of uselessness can be found. Realizing a clear cause-and-effect relationship rooted in the unconscious, you can unravel the tangle of your terrible state and get rid of the feeling of loneliness once and for all ...

It is easy to see how loneliness affects a person. When you are loved, realized, surrounded by friends, like-minded people, family - you are happy. When you are alone and feel bad, what do you have inside yourself? Anger, envy, deceit, hatred, tantrums, tears, fears, resentment, depression, suicidal thoughts. We go to psychologists, cry to a few girlfriends, friends, if they still remain, write on forums, change our appearance and lifestyle, place of residence, work, and loneliness, like an attached one, follows us around, looks out of our eyes, captures the soul, devastates her from the world.

And we again run from him in a circle, drowning our pain in alcohol, drugs, deep sleep, promiscuity, in hatred for each other. There are millions of us, we could be a happy human flock, but we prefer to be afraid, hate, withdraw into ourselves, go crazy in despair, demand love and attention. And we remain alone in our troubles, difficulties, problems. And everything, it turns out, can be different.

Types of loneliness, or how loneliness affects a person and his attitude to life

Modern psychology describes different types of loneliness, but if you look at any of the classifications after Yuri Burlan's training "System Vector Psychology", you can identify a pattern:

Alienating loneliness - a break in communication with society, a loss of the meaning of life - is observed in people with a sound vector.

Emotional, cultural loneliness - the rupture of emotional ties - among the owners of the visual vector.

The feeling of loneliness, when a person does not have a family or relationships with relatives are broken, is typical for the owners of the anal vector.

The list of descriptions of loneliness can be anything, but the reasons for which loneliness arises, and the effect it has on a person, can be unmistakably recognized and the most accurate way out of the feeling of uselessness can be found.

Realizing a clear cause-and-effect relationship rooted in the unconscious, you can unravel the tangle of your terrible state and get rid of the feeling of loneliness once and for all.

As loneliness affects a person, so a person interacts with the outside world. It hurts him - hurts others. How a person manifests himself at the same time, what he feels and how to get out of this depends on his vectors.

No family, no children, no stake, no yard

For example, the main value of a person with an anal vector is family, family traditions and everything connected with this. Building a house, planting a tree, raising a son is the meaning of life. Every owner of this vector dreams of raising children and grandchildren in the spirit of family traditions with respect for elders, making them real, decent, honest people. Family is everything to him!

How does loneliness affect a person with an anal vector

Not getting all this from life, a person suffers. He will not be helped by an entertaining walk through nightclubs or a long journey with a change of scenery. He suffers without a family, children, his own hearth. A person feels this suffering as loneliness, uselessness - he is ashamed to walk like a bean, and a woman in general is obliged to be married.

Loneliness in the most detrimental way affects such a person and his fate. He looks downcast, his face is offended, the folds of his lips are lowered down, he constantly complains about something. He can remember all grievances, and received at least once in a relationship can be transferred to all relationships in the future. So it turns out that, once burned, then all his life he will not trust anyone, he will want relationships, but he will not be able to build them, considering all representatives of the opposite sex unworthy. And even if by a miracle it turns out to get to know each other, he will destroy the new relationship with distrust and suspicion. And there will be one.

Possessing also the strongest libido, being lonely, he experiences serious suffering, which often results in accusations against the opposite sex, sometimes in violence, in a big serious offense for many years.

In a realized state, these are the kindest, sweetest, most honest people, the best performers, the most responsible employees, the most decent, caring and ideal mothers, wives, fathers, husbands.

Nobody loves Me. I'll die and everyone will cry

The greatest value for the owner of the visual vector is to love and be loved. This person is born with a huge emotional range, boundless imaginative intelligence. He is sensual, capable of experiencing very strong emotions, both positive and negative. His main unconscious goal in life is to build emotional bonds with others. These are people with whom you can talk heart to heart.

Breaking the emotional connection for the owner of the visual vector is like death. Loneliness for them is the highest suffering. They definitely need someone to love and be loved, otherwise why live?

How does loneliness affect a person with a visual vector

Loneliness is incomprehensible to the owner of the visual vector. It frightens, disorients, because it is, striving to constantly be close to other people. Having survived more than one break, a bereavement, a naturally sensitive person with a visual vector can harden his soul, become indifferent to others. This condition affects the quality of life, a person is not able to rejoice, cry, love, sympathize. He cannot build real relationships, establish emotional ties.

People with a visual vector in certain states like to go to psychics, fortune-tellers, magicians and astrologers, believing in black magic, the evil eye, damage, vows of celibacy and other esoteric nonsense. In fact, their loneliness is a traumatic consequence of heavy losses, fear of mental pain.

A lonely owner of a visual vector, emotionally unstable, often pursued by phobias and panic attacks, he is always in search of love. to yourself. He is full of longing for real feelings - such that they are lifted to the seventh heaven with happiness. And he talks about it all the time. But it is in a state of fear, not love.

If a person’s soul has completely hardened, his natural desires to establish ties with other people seem to have died. He will live alone, surrounded by cats, flowers, because they are better than people for him. In this case, he will never be able to experience the full range of feelings of the visual vector.

How tired everyone is, leave me alone!

How tired everyone is, leave me alone! The only one who strives for loneliness and dreams about it is the owner of the sound vector. Night, silence, the search for the meaning of life - this is all that is needed for happiness. And people seem too loud, annoying, stupid.

The owner of the sound vector lives daily with a global unconscious question that moves him along the road of life: And it is this inner search that affects the quality of life of a person with a sound vector.

The deepest egocentrics with a bottomless abstract intellect, without realizing which, they sink to the bottom of this very life. Drugs, depression, alcohol, suicide. The owner of a sound vector in a state of depression can pass away silently without warning and without scenes. He doesn't care about people at all. It will be an act of resistance to God, an account with a higher power.

Taking his own life, the sound engineer does not know how much he is mistaken, hoping to get rid of this “pathetic” body and gain freedom. He is deluded all his life, looking for meaning in himself, and, of course, does not find it. He carries loneliness like a cross, not sharing with anyone, not letting anyone into his world.

However, even these geniuses in the potential, capable of one thought, the idea of ​​turning the minds of all mankind, change the course of history, technological progress, even they suffer greatly from loneliness. Consciously striving for silence and complete solitude, the sound engineer goes crazy, not being able to talk about his thoughts, to be understood, not understanding others around him. Mutual misunderstanding leads to complete immersion in oneself, to conversations with oneself. The world is seen by him as some kind of unreal picture, an illusion. Everything is fake and everything is meaningless. And further according to the scenario: either replacing the real meaning with the Internet, weed, drugs, alcohol, sects, religions, or a psychiatric hospital, or suicide ...

Quiet, inconspicuous, on their own. Frequent signs are headphones, a hood, dark glasses, hard rock in headphones. Maximum isolation from the outside world, so that no one interferes with thinking about the eternal.

How does loneliness affect a person with a sound vector

The only person whose suffering from loneliness is almost impossible to recognize. How many examples from life when relatives are surprised: he lived for himself, everything was as usual, and suddenly on you - he committed suicide ...

He suffers not from the fact that he is not loved, not from the fact that there is no family, car, apartment, status in society, but because he has not found the meaning. His loneliness is constant, unceasing. He cannot convey this state of unbearable suffering in words, because he himself cannot understand the inner unconscious call.

The soundman's pain is quiet, imperceptible and deep from the outside, he feels it as a void, a black abyss. And few people manage to recognize what kind of hell is going on inside a person. But there are still features that indicate that a person is on the verge:

He often repeats: "There is no point."

He says strange things, tries to tell his thoughts, but immediately calms down and is silent again.

He hates people, considers them stupid.

He is constantly on the Internet. Avid computer games, strange closed groups and communities, gloomy posts on social networking pages, most often about death.

This does not mean that each owner of the sound vector has a complete set of such features. But if some signs are present, this is a reason to think that now he is experiencing inner suffering, which he is trying to overcome alone.

He will never cry or complain. He is unsociable, closed, seems insensitive, indifferent to everything. Yes, he needs solitude to think, but not loneliness. Being in constant focus on himself, the owner of the sound vector cannot come close to the desired answers about the meaning of everything that surrounds him.

And we see an adult who has not found himself in life, hanging around idle, lying motionless for days and years on end, a gray shadow, a silent creature, an idler, a drunkard, a drug addict, whose oppressive state is incomprehensible to anyone. Everyone just sighs and shakes their heads: I would find a job, get married, take up my mind, somehow unwind, in the end! But no one can answer his question: “Why all this?”

What causes a person to be lonely?

Psychology has long explained that many human problems originate from childhood.

There are people who, in principle, do not know and do not understand what loneliness is. And even if they experience something similar, they quickly cope with this problem. Loneliness brings real suffering the most to people with the three described vectors. At the training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, the exact causes of not only loneliness, but also other problems of human life in each of them are revealed.

Causes of loneliness in the anal vector

It all started in childhood, when he lacked his mother's love, praise, when his mother compared him with others, did not appreciate his efforts, did not notice his small achievements. And he tried so hard ... Mom is the most important person on earth for him! All this affects the further mental development of a person.

For the owner of the anal vector, all future life depends on maternal affection, care, and attention. And the lack of the most valuable is expressed later in resentment, bad experience, constant internal lack of respect and recognition.

Even if it is possible to build a house in such a state, plant a tree, raise a son, then it will be an unhappy family, downtrodden children, a fragile house and a stunted tree, if at all the hands reach to plant it. Injured in childhood, the owners of the anal vector are prone to procrastination, resentment, they do not know how to take a decisive step, a life choice. A sad experience causes irreparable damage to the soul, and a person lives alone all his life.

Causes of loneliness in the visual vector

Indifference to the feelings of the child leads to hardening of his soul. To raise a callous and cynical person, it is enough not to develop his feelings, to ridicule them. Buy him a hamster that will one day die before his eyes, and it will leave a trauma in his soul for life, throw a cat or dog out of the house. Forbid crying and expressing emotions, teach you to think only about yourself, not get involved in other people's problems. Divorces, funerals, parting with relatives and friends - all this hits the sensitive soul of the owner of the visual vector, affects the person and his future fate.

Of course, it is impossible to protect from everything in the world. Life is too complicated and contradictory. But so that loneliness does not overshadow life, it is very important to develop the feelings of the child. So that instead of tears for himself, he would have the urge to cry for others, to empathize with other people's suffering, then he will survive his own with dignity and without psychological trauma. And never be alone.

To develop and nurture strong feelings, there are art, literature, theater. If a child is deprived of such development, then he does not know how to control his emotions, he cannot share his warmth with others. This means that he will not be able to create strong, full-fledged relationships in adulthood, he will be prone to tantrums, emotional dependence, or he will live alone all his life, talking with flowers or fish.

Causes of loneliness in sound vector

Loud screams, rude words, obscenity, hissing hatred in the voice - this is a blow to the most important erogenous zone of the sound engineer - the ears. Even if mom never screamed, but hatred, pain, irritation sounded in her voice, the owner of absolute pitch will distinguish the quietest, barely audible emotion in her voice. It is impossible to deceive the sound engineer with a word. He hears what others feel but hide. He hears the meaning hidden in the words. And it is this meaning that affects a person with a sound vector. Sometimes these most terrible words, angry and merciless, a voice filled with hatred, then sound in his head all his life.

He seeks loneliness, dreams about it and suffers from it when he plunges into it with his head.

Closing itself from this unbearable pain, the owner of the sound vector loses the ability to perceive information by ear, as the neural connections in the brain responsible for this work are destroyed. And suddenly, for no reason at all, the child stops doing well at school, they already consider him a half-wit, they take him to psychologists and psychotherapists, they stuff him with pills.

Silence, classical music and reading literature are very important for the development of the sound vector. The ability to think, ask questions, get answers from adults. These are real whys that baffle with their questions. It is at this moment that the sound engineer thinks and learns to realize his natural potential. He learns to understand the world around him, to endow it with meaning, to find its still undiscovered, unsolved mysteries. Having become an adult, the realized owner of the sound vector does not strive for loneliness, because there are so many more discoveries in this amazing world!

The absence of these factors and the presence of negative noise, scandals, insults leads to a loss of communication between the outside world and the person. One day he may close himself forever, although he was born to focus on others.

Still, loneliness is not a sentence. A deep awareness of the causes helps to get rid of the consequences, to regain the joy of life and communication.

How to solve the problem of human loneliness

The effect of loneliness on a person is not so harmless, if you look at how many unfortunate, lonely people are around. We are truly happy when someone is needed, but we often do not understand that you can become needed only when you do something not for yourself, but for another. Overcoming loneliness begins with self-awareness, and also with understanding the feelings, thoughts and desires of another.

Different vector sets in the human psyche correspond to different ways of getting out of this painful state. What needs to be done urgently:

Recognize yourself in yourself and others in others. In order not to look blindly anymore, how to help yourself or a loved one cope with loneliness, you need to understand who you are.

Realize your properties the way nature intended.

Come to the training "System-Vector Psychology" and learn how to do it accurately.

Get rid of psychological trauma and get a new life full of real events, meetings, experiences.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

Some people suffer from loneliness. As a rule, they are completely immersed in their suffering, and they become even lonelier when they watch others, at ease communicating with each other. Even more difficult for a lonely person is the situation when there are mostly couples around him - friendly or loving. After all, friends or spouses are connected by deep relationships, which a single person is completely deprived of. Longing and loneliness corrode his soul more and more, and the person falls into a deep depression. And depression is like a spring, which the stronger and longer you squeeze, the stronger it then “shoots”. Protracted depression in lonely people threatens to turn into a disaster, up to suicide. Not without reason among lonely people the percent of a suicide is rather high.

And how to overcome the feeling of loneliness and is it possible at all? And what kind of "beast" is this - loneliness? In what situation does a person begin to feel lonely? And does any loneliness make a person unhappy? We asked a lot of questions, now let's figure it out.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is a constant emotional state in which a person feels isolated and empty. He understands that no one needs him, no one needs his company and himself. This is a common misconception about the feeling of loneliness. This is, in general, correct; but the fact is that loneliness is different from loneliness. Sometimes it happens that loneliness is the choice of some people in some specific situations, and a person feels lonely, even being among other people. This most often happens in cases where a person does not find contact with others and sees the need for self-isolation. Obviously, they have no desire to overcome loneliness, because such isolation serves as a defense mechanism for such people, creating a comfort zone for them.

Loneliness is different for every person. Some people feel lonely in relationships with specific people. Some feel lonely in a crowd (we just talked about this). Some feel lonely because they haven't found their love. Some feel lonely because they suffer from depression (in this case, first there was depression, and then a feeling of loneliness, and not vice versa), increased anxiety and other painful conditions. It turns out that loneliness is a very broad concept, and everyone feels it differently. But there is something that unites all these feelings - this is the lack of connection with other people or with any particular person.

So, it becomes clear that loneliness is a very complex, multidimensional phenomenon. Therefore, there is no single “cure” for loneliness, simply because there are many different types of loneliness. Agree: the loneliness of a widow who recently lost her husband is significantly different from the loneliness of a boy who is sick, in bed and cannot go outside to play football with my friends. And just as there is no single type of loneliness, there is no single solution to how to get rid of the feeling of loneliness. Different problems require different solutions.

What are the types of loneliness?

One of the most important aspects of loneliness is the frequency with which this feeling occurs in a person. Some people rarely feel lonely, and if they do, it happens in certain situations. For example, someone may experience such feelings on a cloudy rainy day, and someone on a business trip, in an unusual environment and away from family and friends. Psychologists call this type of loneliness “situational state of loneliness” because such a feeling occurs only in connection with a certain set of circumstances. The exact opposite is a more persistent type of loneliness, where the feeling of loneliness persists regardless of the situation. In this case, it is not circumstances that make a person feel inner discomfort, but his own choice. Loneliness for such a person is, as it were, a defining feature of his personality. Here we can talk about chronic loneliness.

Chronic loneliness is usually a more complex phenomenon. And also ambiguous. People who voluntarily prefer solitude can be divided into several categories. The first category is people who give up efforts to solve their loneliness problems and end up using a passive "survival" strategy. These strategies are more of an attempt to distract from the pain of loneliness than an attempt at a real solution to the problem. Such loners, drowning out melancholy, begin to "jam" it, or they begin to drink, sleep too much, spend all their free time in front of the TV - there are many options. Naturally, this only exacerbates the state of loneliness. Psychological studies show that such a state of a person may be somehow related to problems in his past. This is the most severe form of loneliness, and such people usually need the help of professional psychologists.

There is another category of chronically lonely people. With regard to them, it can be said that their main problem is “the lack of an object for dividing the disaster”. Do not be intimidated by such a complex wording, in fact, it is not difficult to understand. From the moment we are born, we form our attachments. For a child, the object of affection, first of all, is those people who provide care for him - the parents. Grooming gives the child a sense of security and comfort, and it is with this feeling that we later associate any affection. Have you ever seen a child who got lost in a crowded place? There are many people around, but he cries and calls his mother. Her absence seems to him a serious disaster, because he cannot trust anyone in the whole world like her. And it seems to the baby that he was left alone in a vast and hostile world. Something similar happens with some lonely people. They are looking everywhere for a possible object of their affection, but they cannot find a person whom they could love and completely trust him. But why can't they do it?

There are several possible reasons. Firstly, it happens when a person already had an object of affection, but it is lost - it can be death, divorce, moving to another place of residence, and the like. It happens that, having endured suffering in the past, such a person no longer wants to be open to another love, so as not to get burned again. Fortunately, over time, many of these “conscious” loners begin to relax their all-round defenses, realizing that time and patience will help ease their pain, and openness to new relationships will lead to new love and happiness.

Another reason may be that a person lacks the social skills to create new bonds - friendship, love, friendship. Such persons may be shy or overly anxious, wary. In addition, our modern society can serve as a cause to some extent. Now the individuality and freedom of the individual are valued. But any successful interpersonal relationship requires compromise. And the need for compromise can be regarded as an encroachment on personal freedom. So people can not find a common language ...

And one more category of singles is worth mentioning. Paradoxically, but these people consciously try to retire, finding joy in their loneliness. Renunciation from the outside world helps them take a break from the hustle and bustle, allows them to be alone with themselves and with their thoughts, calmly deal with some problems or focus on what they love. This condition is especially characteristic for creative people. They accept loneliness in order to get rid of external stimuli and express their thoughts and emotions in poems, paintings, created images. More often than not, they end up experiencing a sense of renewal after a period of self-imposed solitude. Of course, such a state can in no way be considered as painful, because loneliness brings satisfaction to this category of people and can be interrupted without any effort on their part.

As you can see, loneliness can stem from a number of reasons. A person can be lonely because of painful experiences, insecurities, personal preferences, and even because of nonconformism (the desire to contradict generally accepted norms in everything). One thing is clear - for whatever reason a person is lonely, the state of loneliness is actually his personal choice. He may well dispel the consequences of loneliness, if only he himself wants it. The real problem that such a person may face is the unwillingness to leave his protective "cloak" of loneliness, which, like a cap of invisibility, hides him from the outside world.

How to get rid of loneliness?

What needs to be done to get rid of this oppressive feeling? Different people deal with this in different ways. Greater success is achieved by those who take the most active position in solving the problem of their loneliness. Such people focus on finding the cause and ways to eliminate its consequences. They also try to use what is called an "active coping strategy": listening to their favorite music, exercising, taking up hobbies, and so on. All of this helps them take their mind off loneliness and use their time more positively.

Maybe you feel that no one understands you and there are no people who think like you. And you start to refuse new situations and communication with other people. But if you want to ever overcome your loneliness, then you must fight the urge to act the way you usually do. To get rid of loneliness, you need to get up and go to the light, even if you are more comfortable sitting in the dark and crying. We want to offer you a few steps that will bring you closer to getting rid of the feeling of loneliness. The tools that we will talk about are effective, but for different people they can work in different ways. But anyway, they work!

A few steps to get rid of loneliness

1. Use the "logging" method

   To make it easier for you to get out of the state of loneliness, try to analyze its causes and all the problems that are caused by it. At first, you can simply write down all the facts that you consider involved in your condition. When a certain number of entries are collected, re-read and try to analyze them impartially. Play the role of your own consultant. If at first you fail to treat your posts with an open mind, try to imagine that you are not reading your own, but someone else's posts. If you regularly analyze your thoughts and actions, then soon you will be able to understand that your loneliness deprives you of too many opportunities. It will make you see the light, and you will see that there are many things in the world that can fill your void.

2. Expand your social circle

   Perhaps you view loneliness as a form of silent protest against society or your environment. One of the most common complaints of single people is that they can't find people who understand them. This opinion is actually contrary to the truth. The larger the social circle, the more diverse the types of people with whom you have to communicate. Among hundreds of people it is easier to find a like-minded person than among a dozen. In addition, you will be more likely to acquire new habits and attitudes, which will give you the opportunity for personal growth and greatly expand the circle of people whose views and aspirations coincide with your life position.

3. Let me know about your feelings of loneliness

   If you are silent, then people do not know about your true feelings. After all, emoticons do not flash above our heads that would tell others about our emotions. And if your friends or loved ones do not understand that you feel lonely, then, of course, they do not even think about helping you. Pull your feeling out of the far corners of your soul, shake off the dust from it and show it to others! You can talk about your feeling and how to get rid of it. Only, of course, you should not talk with a half-drunk fellow traveler on the next seat of the bus, but with a person whom you love and trust. Or with a trained professional. Be prepared for the fact that you may not quite like their impartial assessment of your actions. The medicine is usually bitter!

4. Beware of depression

   Some people who experience loneliness actually experience clinical depression. Depression leads to the development of many symptoms, including sadness, irritability, sleep problems, loss of appetite, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, excessive, overwhelming feelings of loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. If you have reason to suspect that you have depression, then you need to get rid of it, and not from the feeling of loneliness.

5. Try something new

   If you do not walk for a long time, then your knees stop bending. And if you sit in your dark corner for a long time, then you can completely lose your communication skills. Actively look for ways to find new contacts. Don't be afraid to meet people on the street, join a local club, take a class, or buy a pool membership. There are many options, the main thing is that you like what you will do. By doing what you love, you can find people who enjoy the same things as you. But meeting people who are not like you can also be a good experience for you!

6. Get a pet

   For a huge number of people, a small dog or a funny kitten has helped to cope with loneliness. It is impossible to feel lonely next to a creature who recklessly loves you! In addition, walking, for example, your dog, you can meet other dog lovers. People like to get together to talk about their pets. You will also be familiar with veterinarians and employees of veterinary pharmacies and shops. You can take a thoroughbred baby, or you can warm your soul with a good deed, taking him from a shelter or even from the street - unhappy and as lonely as you have been until now. If you are able to handle pet care, a dog or cat will make your loneliness better. You will have new responsibilities, and keeping busy is one of the most important ways to overcome loneliness.

Kill your loneliness so it doesn't kill you!

Overcoming loneliness, if it is a long-term and all-pervasive, and not just a fleeting feeling, is not an easy work on oneself. Often, people who feel lonely are forced to struggle not only with negative emotions, but also with low self-esteem, an eating disorder, an alcohol addiction problem, a desire for self-harm, or a complete refusal to communicate with people. Agree, it's not easy. Therefore, do not let loneliness drag you into your pool. Fight him! How to overcome loneliness? The recommendations we have given are only some of the ways to solve the problem; everyone must choose for himself the most acceptable path. Most importantly, try to stay active. If you really want to be healed, then just keep in mind that you can achieve results if you are brave enough to go against all odds. So take your bold first step!

Talk 3

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The feeling of loneliness is a state familiar to almost every person. Everyone in life experiences periods of temporary voluntary or forced refusal to communicate, and if for some such “withdrawals into oneself” are associated with the need to “rest” from social activity, then for others loneliness becomes a constant and depressing companion of life. How does it happen that, previously sociable and open to others, a person suddenly closes himself in four walls, losing the joy of communicating with people close to him and refusing the usual pleasures of life?

Causes of loneliness

Oddly enough, many people not only do not suffer from loneliness, but also consider it a natural and comfortable way of life. As a rule, these are representatives of creative professions, whose work requires maximum concentration and at the same time gives a person pleasure. They say about such people: "He devoted himself completely to his beloved work." Creative individuals fully realize themselves in their hobby, without experiencing a sense of deprivation in communication, so being can rather be called conscious solitude.

Genuine loneliness means the complete limitation of a person's contact with the outside world due to the presence of a deep internal conflict or a traumatic experience of human communication. Here are the most common reasons that prompt a person to close himself off from the world and others.

Self-doubt.

Your physical and social viability. Modesty, shyness, the presence of physical disabilities or low, in the opinion of the loner himself, social status, contribute to the emergence of deep internal complexes, forcing a person to consciously refuse to communicate in society. At the same time, left alone with his experiences, he is increasingly immersed in a sense of his own inferiority, which is capable and, moreover, often serves as a motive for suicidal acts.

The experience of unrequited love.

Or failed close relationships. If the first case, which affects the activity of a person’s social behavior, is most common among adolescents and young people and is motivated by attachment to the object of love, then the second is most often related to people of a more mature age and is associated with an unwillingness to again experience pain and a sense of disappointment from an uncomplicated relationship. .

Death of a loved one.

A severe loss entails a deep psychological trauma, and the unwillingness of the one who has lost a loved one to contact others is quite natural and necessary for the restoration of mental and physical strength.

Divorce.

It is not without reason that this turning point in a relationship is called the “little death”, because in terms of the strength of its influence on the mental and psychological state, it is second only to the physical loss of loved ones. Left alone with a difficult situation and the uncertainty of the future, a person will have to comprehend and accept what happened, and not everyone is able at this moment to let in the world of their own experiences of other people.

Teenage loneliness.

Lack of attention from parents and mutual understanding with them, conflicts with peers and teachers - all this leads to the fact that the child feels unnecessary and uninteresting. It is the feeling of loneliness and lack of support during this period that can lead a teenager to a passion for alcohol or drugs, and often to suicide.

How to get rid of loneliness?

First of all, you should stop feeling sorry for yourself. Constantly exaggerated thoughts about their own deprivation only exacerbate the already oppressed state of a person who feels lonely. You should try to take for granted the fact that at present there is no loving person nearby and does not visit you or just a reliable friend who you can trust, and try to change the course of your life in such a way that the feeling of loneliness forever remains in the past. And to achieve such changes, simple efforts on yourself and the desire to free yourself from your own fears and insecurities will help.

1. First you need to figure out what exactly became the starting point on the path to loneliness. You can take a blank sheet of paper and list all the reasons. Then you should highlight those factors that depend on the person himself and which he is able to change (for example, shyness, excessive fullness, inability to dress beautifully and modernly, etc.)
2. As soon as the personal motives of a forced solitary lifestyle become clearly identified, a person has a goal - to get rid of these obstacles through his own efforts. And the most difficult moment is the moment of the first effort on oneself and one's passive life position. As soon as a person enters into a struggle with hated loneliness, he suddenly begins to feel a kind of discomfort, called the "effect of getting rid of the old skin", when instead of continuing to feel sorry for himself and revel in his own loneliness, it is necessary to finally try to break this vicious circle and break out of the voluntary imprisonment.
3. During the period of getting rid of internal clamps and complexes, the presence and support of a person who has encountered a similar problem and successfully coped with it may be required. Now there are clubs and social network communities where you can always meet a like-minded person, ask for help and advice.
4. As changes occur within a person, self-confidence appears and the desire for a goal intensifies. And, as a rule, after a short time, he begins to notice that with the disappearance of internal problems in the list, external sources of loneliness gradually disappear, new acquaintances are established and social communication is established.

How to overcome the fear of loneliness?

Trite, but the roots of the fear of loneliness usually lie in the stereotypes that prevail in society. It is believed that being lonely means not taking place in life as a person or. This stereotype is further strengthened by others when, with a surprised or sympathetic look, they are interested in a loner about the reasons for such a “strange” way of being. It is public opinion that often causes many people to surround themselves with pseudo-friends and pseudo-lovers, enter into marriages that are not based on feelings, and have children in these marriages for the sake of “a glass of water brought in old age.” And, paradoxically, they later feel even more alone than before.

In order to expect only joyful and happy moments from the future, it first of all follows, with all its shortcomings and virtues. And, of course, work to transform the first of these qualities into the second. Exercise equipment, a gym, beauty salons and the purchase of stylish clothes - and the admiring glances of passers-by will instill confidence in your own irresistibility. An original hobby associated with creative self-realization - and you will certainly have like-minded people. Acting and oratory courses, reading the classics and attending interesting events - and you will forget about the former shyness and indecision. Life loves optimists: as you can see, even in this love requires sincere and constant reciprocity.