Children are so cruel that even teachers give in to them. School bullying, senseless and merciless, has always been, is and will be. We tried to figure out where it comes from, who is at risk, what can be done about it, and whether it is worth changing schools if a child is attacked.

Some people remember school with nostalgia, others with horror. The latter arises not because of poor conditions or a boring program, but because of school bullying.

Bullying is the aggressive persecution of one of the members of the team (especially a group of schoolchildren and students, but also colleagues) by the rest of the team members or part of it. When bullying, the victim is unable to defend himself from attacks, thus bullying differs from a conflict, where the forces of the parties are approximately equal.

Don't confuse bullying with not having hundreds of friends. The child may be introverted, withdrawn, alone, or unpopular. But he shouldn't be a victim. The difference is in regular and conscious aggression towards a child.

Relatively recently, cyberbullying has also appeared - this is emotional pressure, only on the Internet, especially on social networks.

How often does this happen?

Much more often than it seems. 30% of people aged 5 to 14 years have experienced violence. This is 6.5 million people (according to 2011 data) Sherengi, F. E. School violence against children and adolescents under the age of 14. . Of these, a fifth are due to school violence. The number is not just big, it is huge.

Why is school bullying dangerous?

In addition to the fact that bullying can take the form of physical violence, that is, lead to injury, it can also be psychological and emotional. Her traces are harder to spot, but she is no less dangerous.

Bullying destroys a person's self-esteem. The target of bullying develops complexes. The child begins to believe that he deserves to be treated poorly.

Bullying interferes with learning because the child has no time for classes: he would like to survive at school. Bullying causes anxiety disorders, phobias, and depression National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Understanding School Violence. .

And not a single person who went through the rejection of the team will ever forget this. Subsequently, a negative attitude towards life in the classroom can spread to any community at all, and this means problems with communication in adulthood.

Who is at risk?

That's all, really. For bullying, they look for a reason, something in which the child differs from others (in any direction). These could be physical disabilities, health problems, poor academic performance, glasses, hair color or eye shape, lack of fashionable clothes or expensive gadgets, even a single-parent family. Often those who suffer are closed children who have few friends, children at home who do not know how to communicate in a group, and in general anyone whose behavior is not similar to the behavior of the offender.

It is useless to correct any features that have become a reason. Those who poison can, if they wish, get to the lamppost.

And who, exactly, is poisoning?

There are two completely opposite types of attackers.
Popular kids, kings and queens with their school retinue, leaders ruling over other kids.
Asocial students left behind the team who are trying to take the position of kings, gathering their own court.

A separate type of aggressor is adult school employees. As a rule, teachers.

Why do they bully?

Because they can. If you ask grown-up offenders why they engaged in bullying, as a rule, they answer that they did not understand that they were doing something wrong. Someone is looking for excuses for their behavior, explaining that the victim received “for the cause.”

Researchers conclude that the source of bullying is not in the personality of the victim or the offender, but in the principle by which Peter Gray classes are formed. GraySchool Bullying: A Tragic Cost of Undemocratic Schools. .

Children in schools are collected based on one characteristic - year of birth. Such a group would never have formed naturally. Therefore, conflicts are inevitable: children are forced to communicate with those who are imposed on them, without the right to choose.

The situation at school is reminiscent of the situation in a prison: people are forcibly driven into one room, and they must be monitored by people who have no less strict control.

Bullying is both an opportunity to establish one’s power in such an unnatural group, and to unite offenders into a cohesive group. And in any group, responsibility for actions is blurred, that is, children receive psychological indulgence for any actions Ruland, E. How to stop bullying at school. .

There's only one thing required condition, without which bullying is impossible: connivance on the part of teachers or tacit approval of such behavior.

So it's all the teachers' fault?

No. The fact is that teachers don't see bullying. Attackers know how to behave quietly, pretend to be good boys and mock the victim when no one notices. But the victim, as a rule, is no different from such cunning. And if he gives an answer, he catches the eye of the teachers.

Result: the teacher sees how the student violates the order, but does not see what became the reason for this.

The problem cannot be denied, though. Many adults believe that children will figure it out on their own, that it is better not to interfere, that the target of bullying is “himself to blame.” And sometimes the teacher does not have enough experience, qualifications (or conscience) to stop bullying.

How can you tell if a child is being attacked?

Children are often silent about their problems: they are afraid that adult intervention will aggravate the conflict, that adults will not understand and will not support. There are several signs that may indicate bullying.
Bruises and scratches that the child cannot explain.
A lie in response to the question of where the injuries came from: the child cannot come up with an explanation and says that he does not remember how the bruises appeared.
Often “lost” things, broken equipment, missing jewelry or clothing.
The child looks for an excuse not to go to school, pretends to be sick, and often suddenly gets a headache or stomach ache.
Changes in eating behavior. Particular attention should be paid to cases when a child does not eat at school.
Nightmares, insomnia.
Deteriorated academic performance, loss of interest in classes.
Quarrels with old friends or loneliness, low self-esteem, constant depression.
Running away from home, self-harm and other destructive behavior.

How to stop bullying?

In fact, none of the researchers can give a recipe for how to stop bullying. It must be taken into account that if bullying starts at school, it is impossible to eliminate the problem at the “victim-attacker” level, because this is ineffective. You need to work with the whole team, because in bullying there are always more than two participants Petranovskaya, L. Bullying in a children's group. .

The entire class and teachers are witnesses who are also affected by the unfolding drama. They also take part in the process, albeit as observers.

The only way to really stop bullying is to create a normal, healthy community at school.

This is helped by joint assignments, working in groups on projects, and extracurricular activities in which everyone participates.

The main thing that needs to be done is to call bullying bullying, violence, to indicate that the actions of the aggressors have been noticed and that this must be stopped. So everything that offenders consider cool will be shown in a different light. And this must be done either by the class teacher, or by the head teacher, or by the director.

How to respond to aggression?

Discuss all cases of bullying with your child so that he can respond to the actions of the offenders. As a rule, the scenarios are repeated: name-calling, petty sabotage, threats, physical violence.

In each case, the victim needs to act in a way that the aggressors do not expect.

Always respond to insults, but calmly, without slipping into retaliatory abuse. For example, say: “And I’m talking to you politely.” If a child sees that someone has ruined his things, he needs to inform the teacher about this, so that the offenders can hear: “Maria Alexandrovna, there is chewing gum on my chair, someone has ruined the school furniture.” If they try to beat you or drag you away, if you can’t escape, you need to shout loudly: “Help! Fire!". Unusual. But letting yourself be beaten is worse.

Since the methods of bullying are varied, the responses will be individual. Can't figure out what to do? Ask the psychologists who should be in every school.

What can be done with offenders?

There are few options. If a child is beaten, you need to go to the emergency room, undergo a medical examination, report to the police and go to court for compensation for harm. Parents and the school will be held accountable for unlawful acts. The offenders themselves are responsible only after 16 years of age (for grievous harm to health - after 14) Criminal Code Russian Federation. Article 20. Age at which criminal liability begins. .

But if bullying is only emotional, it is unlikely that you will be able to prove something and attract law enforcement. You need to immediately go to the class teacher, and if the teacher denies the problem, to the head teacher, director, RONO, City Education Department. The task of the school is to organize that very psychological work within a class or several classes in order to stop violence.

If I intervene, won't things get worse?

It won't. Bullying is not an isolated conflict. There can be many of them. If a child has become the target of bullying, he can no longer cope with aggression on his own.

The worst policy is to decide that the child will deal with the problems himself.

Some people really succeed. And many break down. It can even lead to suicide. Do you want to test with your child whether he will be lucky or not?

How to support a child?
If bullying already exists, then this is a reason to consult a psychologist, and the whole family needs to sort it out at once. If a child takes the position of a victim in the family, then the same will happen at school.
Show that you are always on the child’s side and are ready to help him and deal with difficulties until the very end, even if it is not easy. No suggestions to endure difficult period there shouldn't be.
Try to destroy fear. The child is afraid of both offenders and teachers, who can punish him for violating norms of behavior if he fights back or complains. Tell him that his self-respect is more important than the opinions of his classmates and teachers.
If your child lacks opportunities to assert himself at school, find such opportunities for him. Let him show himself in hobbies, sports, and extracurricular activities. We need to instill confidence in him. To do this, you need practical confirmation of your significance, that is, achievements.
Do everything that will help raise your child’s self-esteem. This is a separate topic. Search the entire Internet, re-read all the literature on this topic, talk to experts. Everything so that the child believes in himself and his strength.

What can't you say?

Sometimes parents take a position in which their help becomes harmful. Some phrases will only make things worse.

“It’s your own fault,” “you’re behaving this way,” “you’re provoking them,” “you’re being bullied for something.” The child is not to blame for anything. And each of us can find differences from others, shortcomings. This does not mean that everyone can be bullied. Blaming the victim and looking for reasons for bullying means justifying the offenders. This way you will side with your child’s enemies.

There is an opinion that there is a special victim behavior, that is, a pattern of a victim who cannot help but be attacked. Even if so, this is not a reason to make a child a scapegoat. It’s just not possible, period.

"Do not pay attention". Bullying is a gross invasion of personal space, and it is impossible not to react to this. At some point, the offenders may indeed fall behind. It is not a fact that by this time there will be at least something left of the child’s self-esteem and self-esteem.

"Give them back." Risky advice that jeopardizes the child’s health and escalates the conflict. If the victim tries to resist clumsily, the bullying only intensifies.

“What are you doing, he’s feeling bad!” These or similar words trying to calm the attackers. Don't try to reach those who bully by explaining that the victim is feeling bad. This way you will only prove that the victim is weak and the offenders are strong, that is, you will confirm their position.

Do I need to transfer my child to another school?

The popular position is that transferring a child to another class or school is an unsuccessful measure, because the same thing will happen in the new place. It is better to teach a child to behave in a new way so that he can strengthen his character and be able to fight back.

Not really. As we have already found out, bullying begins where the child does not have the right to choose a team. Anyone can become a potential victim. And bullying is impossible if the teaching staff knows how to stop bullying at the very beginning.

That is, moving to another team (for example, to a school where subjects close to the child are studied in depth) or to another teacher can correct the situation.

If you cannot solve the problem, if teachers at school turn a blind eye to bullying, if the child is afraid to go to school, then change it.

And then, in a new place and with new strength, go to a psychologist and teach your child moral fortitude.

Is my child doing well and is he not at risk of being bullied?

Let's hope not, and that your child will be neither a victim nor an aggressor. But just in case, remember:
Bullying is a common phenomenon that has always been there.
Bullying grows where it is grown: in a team where too different children are gathered without common goals and interests. Anyone can become a victim, since we are all different from others in some way.
Children do not always tell their parents about bullying, but it is difficult to solve the problem without adult intervention. Bullying needs to be eliminated in the entire class at once, working with teachers and psychologists.
The main thing is to save children's self-esteem so that this does not result in serious psychological problems in adulthood.
If school staff pretend nothing is happening, look for another school.

Anastasia Pivovarova

Moscow resident Natalya Tsymbalenko faced bullying at school: her son was humiliated by classmates, and along with him other “uncool” people. Teachers and other parents failed to act, so she took matters into her own hands. Now Natalya talked about how you can break indifference and force teachers, supervisory authorities, children and adults to behave according to their conscience and according to the law.

Natalya Tsymbalenko, an employee of the Moscow government, wrote about how the events at the school where her son Peter studies in the last three years, and especially in the last few months. Facebook. During this time, she managed to encounter the rudeness of her son’s classmates, the inaction of teachers, and the rudeness of other parents. But in the end she managed to change the situation: the bullying stopped.

It all started when after primary school Peter entered the gymnasium in the fifth grade - Natalya asked not to publish the school number, as well as the photograph of her son. As often happens in children's groups, the students in the class were quickly divided into “cool” and “uncool.” But the consequences of such a division in this case were quite serious.

According to Tsymbalenko, it all started with ridicule and “name-calling,” but then there was overt violence and serious bullying. Several people were injured by the hooligans, including Natalya's son.

A core class quickly formed, the so-called “cool”, who began to cling to the “uncool”. Well, for example, my fifth-grader son brought Legos and plasticine to school - “ugh, uncool.” This is a reason for ridicule and name-calling. The son’s name is Petya, they began to call him “Pedya”, the son was embarrassed and did not know what to say in response. He avoided conflicts, was afraid of fights and loud showdowns - “uncool.”

The affected children themselves could not find a way out of the situation. But, Natalya writes, at first they did not receive help from teachers and parents. Class teachers and other employees are partly to blame for this educational institution who believed that children should “figure out” the problem on their own. Natalya admits part of her guilt: she waited a long time, listened to the teachers, and reacted late.

The class teacher, in conversations with parents, discusses the topic that “children do not like informers,” “we need to strengthen our character,” and “be able to find an approach to our comrades.” The parents of the instigators are all shouting as one in the parent chat that their child is “sacred,” they are being slandered, and “you provoked it yourself.”

To somehow rectify the situation, Tsymbalenko enrolled her son in the sword fighting section and martial arts. This helped him stop being afraid. By the eighth grade, he had already dropped out of the school party category, and direct violence against him had stopped.

But other children continued to suffer, writes Tsymbalenko. There were serious consequences.

And then our best friend Misha is twice “conned out of money” by his classmates, promising to buy him a vape and not buying it. After all, if you want to be cool, you must smoke a vape! The “holy children” are simply rude to Misha’s mother and tell her that her son is “hydrocephalic.” The mother of the student who took the money says it even more beautifully: “Explain to me how you allowed your son to encourage my son to buy a vape.” Well, in general, the situation is great. And then another one of his son’s classmates posts photos of Peter on his page and makes fun of the fact that his son has started to “swing.”

Natalya began to act. She demanded a meeting with the school principal and the chairman of the governing council, preparing for them a 20-page statement, which was accompanied by screenshots of correspondence regarding vaping, social media pages and photoshopped photos. She took a copy to the commission on juvenile affairs at the district government and received the numbers of the incoming documents.

According to Tsymbalenko, threats to involve the prosecutor's office and trial on the parents of the hooligans had no effect. But when the juvenile affairs inspector got involved in the case, the situation changed. And the teachers, and after them the parents of the “cool” ones, became polite, says Natalya. According to her, the teenager who sold vapes was registered, and the money to his friend Misha for the vape he had not purchased was returned.

The class (and I mean both children and parents) froze. In such, you know, neutrality. No one expected that I would not participate in “parental battles” and find out whose son should “wash himself better and maybe then they will be friends with him,” but that we would follow the wonderful bureaucratic path of letters and complaints. Everyone immediately learned the culture, they stop those who want to draw photojabs and don’t annoy those around them.

Natalya says that the council also told her that it was preparing an official response to her statements and “took measures.”

Medialeaks spoke with Natalya Tsymbalenko about what will happen next and whether she is satisfied with the results of her struggle.

How did your son go through these three years and especially through the recent events? How does he perceive everything, does he want to continue studying at the same school?

We discussed everything with the boys. At first they were very scared. Moreover, the aggression of the “cool” even intensified after our meeting with the parents. The “cool ones” discussed how to meet guys after school, showed Misha notes “1,000 rubles or your dog will die.” But we decided not to miss school. I called at every break, my husband picked Petya up from school. I also promised to hire them a bodyguard if the threats became even a little bit like reality. But the more activity the school developed (meetings, conversations), the more the class realized that this was all serious. And he calmed down. I gave Petya this post to read and asked what to write. He said everything was okay. They communicate with the classmates from the described story calmly and, at most, both sides clarify each other’s assignments. And school representatives regularly check with him about how things are going in the class.

What are your future plans? What can be considered a final victory or at least an acceptable result?

My son and I are satisfied with our working relationship in the classroom: he does not crave communication with those who treat him badly. Peter has a friend, has a team (he is involved in e-sports - we support this), goes to the Dostoevsky library for video blogging courses, and together with his dad at the district library he teaches classes for children (car racing on simulators, road safety). He has enough communication. And he is comfortable that they have stopped clinging to them. We regularly monitor the situation in the classroom. If there are precedents, we will intervene. And so, I hope we have ended the conflict.

Each parent chooses how to help their child fight bullying. The mother of American teenager Keaton Jones appealed for help last year social networks and, who complains about bullying from classmates.

At first, the video touched everyone so much that Captain America actor Chris Evans, singer Rihanna and dozens of actors and sports stars stood up for Keaton. True, he is fast and keeps the Confederate flag at home. Then many refused to support, suggesting that the guy might be bullied at school because he was a racist. And the situation for Keaton became even worse than it was.

The year before last, a very touching story happened in Russia with a boy named Styopa. He was interested in dinosaurs and Minecraft, so things didn’t go well with his classmates from the very beginning. But my mother asked friends on Facebook, and a miracle happened: the boy and other Russian stars.

Soon the schoolboy’s popularity skyrocketed, and VK even temporarily returned the page ranking function for his sake. Thus, potential future bullying was nipped in the bud, and instead of screenshots from Minecraft, Styopa could proudly post .

Psychologist, arranger Irina Zavodnikova gave several useful tips about what to do if your child is bullied at school.

School bullying (English terms “bullying” - when one aggressor bullies, “mobbing” - many aggressors) today, as before, is a very common phenomenon. According to statistics, about 30% of children aged 5 to 14 years have experienced violence, of which a fifth occurs at school. The consequences of bullying affect a person’s entire life, making it difficult to further build relationships in the family, at work, and in society. It is important to understand that bullying is not only when they beat, but also ignore, gossip, damage clothes and personal belongings, bully on social networks (cyberbullying) and use other forms of psychological violence.

Who is involved in bullying?

The victim, the aggressor and witnesses are those who do not directly attack, but support in another way: they simply watch, comment, film on their phone, and also know about it and do nothing (do not tell their parents), and this, as a rule, is the whole class . Also, an accomplice can be a teacher who connives and tries to “not notice” because he does not know how to cope, does not want to ruin his reputation and generally “wash dirty linen in public.”

How can you tell if a child is being attacked?

He refuses to talk about school (so as not to remember the traumatic situation once again), becomes anxious, withdrawn, feigns illness in order to avoid going to school, and can often accidentally cut himself, hit himself, get burned (i.e., not being able to respond to offenders , children transfer aggression onto themselves).

What to do?

Even if a child is just a witness to bullying, it is the parent’s direct responsibility to raise this issue, since it directly affects the children’s communication and the atmosphere in the classroom, they begin to think that suppressing and humiliating is normal and the way it should be.

I myself witnessed bullying at my school. This was due, first of all, to the fact that the teacher in the class did not have authority, did not know and was not able to unite, unite the children, give the opportunity to the aggressors to express themselves in school affairs, and they established themselves through the humiliation of the weak. That is, he left all the cool things to chance. All the children in the class knew about this, but preferred to close their eyes, afraid to divert the attacker’s attention to themselves. The bullying ended when one of the students brought an older teenager, who calmly and with dignity was able to explain to everyone (everyone!) that this is not just a cool game, but real violence and that you can’t do that, says Irina Zavodnikova.

This task can easily be performed by the class teacher or school director. But important point- make it clear not only to the instigator, but also to all classmates (after all, schoolchildren are just forming their own opinions, these are not fully mature people) that bullying and humiliation are not the norm, thus the aggressor will lose the silent consent and support of the class.

The worst thing a parent can do in a bullying situation is to leave their child to deal with it themselves. If bullying has begun, it means that the children (both the victim and the attacker) have no longer coped with it. “Give back,” “just be smart and pass by,” “be patient and it will pass” - does not work and means that the parent does not know how and does not want to help his son or daughter.

The most important thing is to explain to the child that this should not be the case, no one has the right to insult him, you are completely on his side and will help solve the problem, that the child is very dear to you, his trust is valuable and in fact everything is fine with him, then he is not “something different” and, of course, he is not to blame for what happened.

Looking for those to blame, by the way, is unlikely to lead to anything, although I really want to throw out my anger and despair on the offender’s parents, teachers and psychologists, and spouse. And this is a normal reaction, but after you “let off steam” (if possible in safe ways), return to drawing up an action plan. You may have to raise this issue among the parents of the class, talk with the parent of the instigator, discuss with the teacher, and if you are not heard, then go higher - to the director, to the Regional Educational Institution, to the City Education Department.

Collect facts (notes, words of eyewitnesses, screenshots of correspondence from social networks), carefully find out the details from the child, without turning it into an interrogation.

At the same time, invite your child to enroll in a hobby group or section, where he could express himself, express himself and find approval from an authoritative adult (coach, teacher), that is, gain the experience of trusting interaction.

Should I change school?

The most important thing is to find a friendly and authoritative class teacher, who will not humiliate children in order to look better at their expense. You also need to take into account that transferring, even from an unloved school to a new one, is always stressful for a child, and for some time he will especially need your support. But if you are changing schools for the second time and the situation repeats itself, then perhaps it’s not just the school.

Who is at risk?

First of all, children from families where a difficult life situation: moving, divorce, death of a loved one, birth youngest child. Then parents pay less attention to their son or daughter, there are not enough resources, love, even just time and energy to come up and hug.

All my clients who were bullied at school remember it as horrible dream. And in almost all families at that time there was an atmosphere of conflict between mom and dad or child and parents. As a psychologist, I think these things are directly interrelated.

Also check whether you are using a child in your family as a drain for emotions - your anger or sadness, shame, envy and jealousy. Does he know that he is important and valuable to his parents? Do the principles of respect and dignity apply in the family?

At the same time, do not artificially inflate your self-esteem. High and low self-esteem are two poles of one problem, the problem of not believing in yourself, in your right to be loved. Work on your own or together with a psychologist to strengthen the child’s self-confidence (and here the basis will be your deep and unshakable faith in him), as well as to adequate self-esteem.

If your child is the organizer of bullying?

It is always unpleasant for a parent to admit this. But remember that the torturer himself receives no less psychological trauma than his victim, he also needs help. And the faster you can deal with this, the better it will be for him. Aggressive behavior means that the child feels insecure and, in need of self-affirmation, chose this method. Help him by recognizing his value and importance in the family, organize sports clubs or sections where he can also gain the experience of a winner. There is an opinion that through violence such a child receives the love that he was not given in the family.

What if a teacher bullies you?

The teacher has opportunities for bullying and sexual violence much more, he is protected, the children will remain silent, and it’s difficult to prove. And here, more than ever, it is important to first establish a trusting relationship with the child, support him, and only then deal with the teacher and administration of the educational institution.

How can you help a child?

It is important to understand that it is not so easy to trick a happy and beloved child, but it is easy to piss off a fearful, unloved child, which is what the aggressor, feeding on the emotions of shame, despair, tears and anger of the victim, expects.

When violence, humiliation, rudeness and disrespect are practiced in the family, the child will transfer this behavior to school. If people at home show interest, respect, and warmth towards each other, then this will greatly help in the event of terrorism and they will be able to calmly and firmly stop it.

Therefore, try to go to a psychologist who will help you become happier and more whole, and such changes will definitely affect your son or daughter.

And finally, a little psychological practice:

Try to imagine that your child has an inner sun. Activate it in any way: notice it, let it shine brighter and brighter. Instead of criticism, tell your child: I am happy that you are my son, we love you, the world is good, and I will show it to you, you are completely safe in the family, I am so glad that you were born to us.

After all, it’s really wonderful that you have such a little sun in your family, even if he’s already a head taller than you?

I was nine years old when I first went to camp. An ordinary pioneer camp, from my mother’s work, very decent. There were no expectations or fears about relationships with peers, nor fantasies. I quickly became acquainted with my roommates, became friends with the boys from the squad, signed up for three clubs... The shift was long, 49 days, for some reason my parents were not allowed to come. After two weeks I was very sad.

And here is a counselor from another unit, young, very beautiful, just a movie star. For some reason she liked me, she began to invite me to drink tea or go for a walk. And after a few days I didn’t leave her side. And she asked to join her squad.

In childhood, a year difference is Very a lot of. The ten- and eleven-year-old girls seemed quite grown up to me, they were much larger and stronger, they knew unclear words and kept cotton wool in the nightstands “just in case.” And they started to poison me.

It's simple. You enter the room, everyone falls silent, stares for a while, then laughs in unison and continues the conversation as if you are not here. You get into the shower and find that all the shampoo and... toothpaste squeezed into one bag and mixed thoroughly. Things were hidden, shoes were thrown out the window into the rain. Sand and crumbs were poured under the blanket.

Why did they do this? Out of boredom, because one (the eldest, and, as I now understand, the most disadvantaged) girl suggested, and the others happily took it up. Entertainment.

I couldn't do anything about it. I tried to complain, but the beautiful counselor just waved it off and said: “Think about it, maybe you yourself are to blame for this?” I tried to ask the offenders themselves - they got even more excited and tried to arrange a real “dark” for me, like in prison.

I fought back and asked to return to my old squad. The counselors, two young medical guys, couldn’t come up with anything better than to give me a “show trial of a traitor”: you turned away from us, went to strangers, now stand and listen to what your comrades say about you. The comrades were not silent, no, not all of them, of course, but many loudly expressed their dissatisfaction.

Eight or nine years old, baby. They do what they are told. But it hurt me a lot.

What is the difference between bullying and “unpopularity”?

There are simply unpopular children with whom no one is friends, but who are not bullied either. It’s one thing when a child doesn’t have a close friend (not one), he doesn’t know who to ask for his homework, and he’s not invited to birthday parties.

It’s completely different if classmates systematically they tease, make you cry, take away, hide or spoil things. They defiantly refuse to sit at one desk and throw their briefcase around. Watch the movie “Scarecrow”, everything is shown there in great detail.

If it seems to you that your son or daughter’s relationship is not going well, you can take the initiative (with the approval of the child himself): organize an away event for four or five, invite the most “socially close” classmate to visit, ask the class teacher to give a collective task . Sometimes a little effort is enough to turn the situation in the right direction. For example, at the very beginning of fourth grade, when we moved from elementary to high school, our amazing young cool announced a one-day hike, with his parents. Those who went were friends until the end of school and, in general, were much closer to each other than those who were afraid and stayed at home.

But what to do if your child finds himself in the position of a truly outcast, a black sheep, and becomes an object of bullying?

Terrifying a large number of adults prefer not to interfere in this situation. Parents, teachers, educators. “Children have to figure it out themselves. He must learn to build relationships. It’s okay, it will be stronger.” Sometimes they say directly: “It’s your own fault that you’re being bullied, you need to be (more flexible, softer, kinder, more cheerful).” Or - the dissident version: “You should be above this, not notice, let the crowd mock you, we know that you are (higher, better, smarter, cleaner).” In fact, these are two sides of the same coin: those who are not with us are against us.

Meanwhile, for bullying to begin, it is absolutely not necessary to stand out in any way. Group aggression can fall on anyone who is simply unlucky enough to be “in the wrong place at the wrong time.” But the role of adults in the process cannot be ignored. It is enough for the teacher to allow herself a few derogatory comments, to make sarcastic comments about the student’s mental abilities or appearance, and if the situation is already tense, the situation is ready: the whole class is up in arms against one.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya writes in an article devoted to the analysis of the situation of bullying in any children's group that it is very important, firstly, to call the phenomenon by its proper name, and, secondly, to designate it as a group problem.

What does it mean?

Come to school and tell the class teacher: “My child is being bullied in class, what are you going to do about it?” And don’t agree to the formulation “Well, he’s like that, we can’t force children to be friends with him.” This is not about who goes to the cinema with whom and chats on social networks, but about a serious threat to the psychological health of both your child and the entire class as a whole. Because bullying (like any violence) destroys not only the psyche of the victim, but also everyone who participates in it and even just observes. (Therefore, there is no need to show children news from the Crime Chronicle series).

If the teacher does not support you and insists that nothing terrible or extraordinary is happening, go further and higher: director, RONO. But, as a rule, the director is already enough. It is important not to demand immediate reprisals against the offenders, but to ask them to sort it out, preferably with the involvement of specialists, school psychologist, For example.

Make sure that you and the psychologist/teacher/director have the same idea of ​​how to solve the problem. That everything will not turn into a class hour with rhetorical squeals of “How could you, nasty children, offend the good and smart Vanya, who has such a scandalous mother!” Or even worse - like in my childhood - into a discussion of Vanechka and what exactly his traits and actions PROVOKE the class to beat him.

This is what needs to happen. An authoritative adult explains what bullying is, why it destroys people, where, from what deep and bestial antiquity this tradition came from. He gives the example of the story of the Ugly Duckling, and draws attention not only to the suffering of the hero himself, but also to the unsightly future of stupid chickens and evil ducks.

The group norm must be declared: “In our class, no one will ever be bullied. Dot". It is very important not to slip into blaming those who attacked; there is a danger that the former “aggressors” will feel threatened and go on the defensive: “What about us? And we are nothing! Yes, he started it himself!” It is necessary to find such words so that the whole class feels the current situation exactly as general a problem that makes everyone feel bad.

Parents' feelings

What happens to parents when they discover that their child is in serious trouble? If the parents themselves have similar experience, they will most likely try to apply it. “I myself was bullied at school, no one defended me, so now I’ll go and smash them all to pieces,” is one option. “I was bullied myself, I fought to the last, and won – and you go and fight, you’re a man,” is another option. The reaction that I described above is very, very professional; not all teachers know what to do. But in order not to fall into emotions, it would be good to track them and name them.

Ask yourself: “Why is this situation a problem for me?” Am I afraid to be alone? I can't stand the feeling of helplessness? I feel such destructive rage that I'm afraid to intervene in case I hurt someone?

Probably the most difficult fear to bear is the fear of being rejected; it is biologically determined; in the conditions of a primitive community, an exile died quickly and inevitably.

So, no matter what, you had to remain a member of the group, the tribe. Again, a baby abandoned by its mother has no chance of survival. That’s why we all try so hard to adapt to the requirements and expectations of the community: family or team, it doesn’t matter. Therefore, we experience almost euphoria when we find ourselves “at ease,” where we are understood and accepted.

For example, for the first time I found myself among my own people only at the university, at the philology department, everyone was talking and interested in the same thing as me, there were a lot of Jews, there was no need to hide my well-readness and intelligence. Before that, I lived in the firm belief that “there was something wrong with me.”

So, if you see that the situation is out of control, if you do not find understanding with the school administration, if your child refuses to go to school and begins to get sick for no apparent reason... Perhaps the best solution is to change schools. A sign that the problem is in the classroom and not the child may be the fact that in others social situations He is doing well: in the camp, at the dacha, in the section, he communicates well, makes friends, and walks with enthusiasm.

But if you see that everywhere you go, the same story about the scapegoat develops - then oops. Then you need to go to a psychologist (preferably a family psychologist) and figure out why your child attracts group aggression, what message you are conveying to him, how relationships are built in your family. Sometimes we find that a son or daughter unconsciously transfers the family behavior model to their peers: “It’s all my fault, beat me.” And he can’t handle this on his own; he needs help.

It was quite difficult for me to write about all this, even now, thirty years later, those memories are alive, although they do not hurt. But there is a desire to protect children, and a very strong one. Don't leave your child alone with group bullying, please.

According to foreign studies, every fifth child has experienced first-hand what it is - school mobbing or simply bullying. Boycotts and beatings, laughing and poking, rejection and powerlessness. Every seventh person participated in bullying themselves. It is difficult to count how many students found themselves in a passive, helpless and no less harmful role as an observer. Why children bully each other and what to do if they suddenly bully a child, says Ksenia Buksha.

For those preparing for the main school exam

Reasons and participants

Children grow up and master social interactions. Many of them need to experience cohesion in some way. If there are good, positive reasons, children willingly take them. The trouble is that in modern schools no one is creating such foundations; school today is a “supplier” educational services" And the fact that a group of children will necessarily solve their problems at the expense of some of their members - the school as a system does not care about this. So, in the absence of constructive tasks, children inevitably rally against someone. And often this is not a struggle between factions, but rather the persecution of one or two renegades of the class. Almost any child can become such a renegade. More often, those who are different are unlucky: those who are too sensitive, very smart, or, conversely, intellectually inhibited and a little retarded socially.

External signs (glasses, clothes, etc.) play a secondary role, but can contribute to bullying if that comes to it. The instigators of bullying are often children “close to the ideal” - strong leaders, excellent students, hopes are placed on them in the family and school, and, accordingly, within whom there is a deep social fear of “falling off the pedestal”, or children - informal leaders, often not very prosperous people who did not receive enough parental love. By the way, these two groups are not mutually exclusive: a child can study well and succeed, but at the same time have not very warm relationships in the family.

Next to the instigators there are their minions, at some distance there is a “swamp” of observers who see the bullying, do not particularly participate in it, but also do nothing to stop it (because they are also afraid of becoming scapegoats). Sometimes defenders also appear - emotionally mature children who cannot bear to see their classmate being tortured.

Bullying is very serious. You can't underestimate what's happening

At stake are at least several ruined years of life for all members of the team. The instigators gain an unhealthy experience of omnipotence and increase their own shame and fear of social decline. Observers experience indifference and, again, shame and fear. The target of bullying may seriously suffer from self-esteem and faith in people, and emotional development slows down.

According to research by Olweus and Gilmartin, cases of violence are common in adulthood in families of aggressors. Former “victims” find it more difficult than the population average to establish close contacts with people. And passive observers may show less empathy for the suffering of others.

There are even worse consequences: it has happened that a child driven to despair severely injured or killed his tormentor, and teenagers committed suicide as a result of bullying. Relentless statistics show that the severity of verbal and social bullying (unlike physical bullying) does not decrease over the years, and teenagers, on average, sympathize with victims much less than younger students. Therefore, we need to act. The question is - how?

1. Assess the situation and tell the teacher everything

You need to clearly understand what is happening in this children's group. It’s one thing when a child simply has no friends, when classmates are indifferent to him. Another thing is if he is actively bullied, mocked, not greeted, ridiculed, demonstrably “hated.” Believe me, these are completely different things that cannot be confused. Since you obviously have some kind of contact with your child, you won’t be able to ignore the bullying and you shouldn’t pretend that the child is “simply unpopular.” Because the actions in the first and second cases are fundamentally different.

If a child is timid and would like to stick out more, it makes sense to help him open up, show his the good side, skills. But if he is being bullied, it will not help, it will only get worse! Any, absolutely any trait of the child will be turned against him. If you are bullied, you can be an excellent student, a poor student or a good student, gray and downtrodden or bright, you can be able to stand on your ears, draw comics, have a cool tablet - and you will be bullied for exactly this. It is useless not to pay attention and not to cry, it will not help him learn to fight back (there are more attackers, and rejection is not limited to physical violence), he will not be able to turn the bullying to his advantage.

2. The teacher must take responsibility

If you see that a child is really being bullied, you need to report this to the teacher and, if necessary, to the school management. Bullying is a systemic bug of the school community, and dealing with it at the level of children and parents is absolutely ineffective. The essence of what is happening must be brought to the attention of teachers.

Often teachers begin to blame the bullied child: “he is not like others,” “he behaves incorrectly,” “he sets himself up,” “they don’t like him.” Or even: “she’s so smart, but they don’t like smart people.” The main thing is not to succumb to these provocations, even if they look like compliments to the child. We remember that the victim cannot be to blame for the violence. But there is also more unobvious knowledge: the instigators of bullying are also not entirely to blame, especially if we're talking about about junior high school students. This is not a conscious villainy, but a consequence of a misdirected instinct. Therefore, punishment - an attempt to change the behavior of the instigators - will not work in the same way as nonsense like “let her show how well she can jump over a rubber band and everyone will respect her.”

Still from the film "Scarecrow", 1983. Director - Rolan Bykov

That is why it is ineffective to talk to the parents of the instigators - after all, the point is not in these children-leaders themselves, but in the prevailing style of behavior of the entire group. Targeted measures will not work. To stop bullying, adult members of the school community must remove responsibility from children and take it upon themselves. If the teacher is not ready for this, it makes sense for the parent to turn higher. Perhaps he will find greater understanding from the principal or school psychologist.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya,

psychologist

Article “Children in a Cage” from a blog dedicated to school mobbing:

“If this is a leader, let him give the order and monitor implementation, or do it himself, since his subordinates are not capable. Turning to external authorities is a last resort, but if there is no other way out, there is no need to delay. In our case, changes began only at the director level. The director also tried to play the game “why didn’t you work with your child?”, but after the question: “So you sign that your teaching staff cannot cope with the bullying of a child in the class?” she quickly changed the style of conversation and we both "It was a nice agreement for everyone."

3. Should I leave or not?

Many people suggest simply transferring the victim or perpetrator to another school. But there is no guarantee that the situation will not repeat itself in a new place: a newcomer to the team with recent unpleasant experience of being a victim of bullying is increased risk rejection, especially if the class turns out to be problematic again. The new instigator is also under stress, and will most likely try to reproduce a similar hierarchy in a new place, even if not in the role of a leader, but in the role of a “slander.” And the old group, accustomed to bullying as a way of life, will choose other members to play the role of leader and scapegoat. Of course, there are situations when you just need to run and save a child (teenager). But the trouble is that it is in such situations that changing schools may not help. Nowadays, bullying, especially among children over 9-10 years old, often continues through social networks, which are full of pages like “Who hates Vasya Pupkin.” It is impossible to take away a teenager’s cell phone and cut him off from the Internet. So, if we are not talking about salvation at the cost of flight, but about stopping bullying as a phenomenon, perhaps it makes sense not to remove individual children from school, but to try to overcome the situation together.

Still from the film "Scarecrow", 1983. Director - Rolan Bykov

4. Teacher and class together against mobbing

The only way. Not “the teacher stands up for the victim” and not “everyone denounces the instigators.” It won't help. Only long-term, gradual measures to improve the climate in the classroom will work. IN severe cases, if a group of children has been living with bullying for many years, it makes sense to disband the class and/or change the class teacher. But if the bullying started recently, if the school is still elementary, there is a sequence of steps that will help turn the situation around.

The teacher must, without shaming or naming individual “culprits,” let the class understand how disgusting and dangerous what is happening in their team is. Often children themselves do not understand what harm they cause to the victim; it seems to them that their actions are completely innocent. It is the teacher’s job to explain this to them, as well as the unattractive role they themselves play.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya,

psychologist

“Having reminded the children of the passage [in the fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling”] in which bullying is described, we can say something like this: “Usually, when reading this fairy tale, we think about the main character, the duckling. We feel sorry for him, we worry about him. But now I want us to think about these chickens and ducks. Everything will be fine with the duckling later, he will fly away with the swans. And they? They will remain stupid and evil, unable to sympathize or fly. When a similar situation arises in the class, everyone has to decide who they are in this story. Are there any of you who want to be stupid, evil chickens? What is your choice?

When everyone in the class agrees that they no longer want to continue living with bullying, the healing process begins, which is strictly monitored by the teacher. Every day, every week he monitors the process positive changes and tracks whether there were fights, ridicule, threats. The atmosphere in a group of schoolchildren is really the concern of the class teacher. It is too early to rely on the moral sense of children; even if it awakens in someone, then one student does not have enough influence to truly change and turn the situation around. Therefore, you can change the class only under strict control above. And there should be only one leader in the class - the teacher.

Many countries have national programs to prevent child bullying, for example, the Olvius program in Norway has been in place for twenty years, and during its existence the number of victims of bullying has decreased by 50%. Among other things, this program involves a higher authority - an interschool committee on the problem of mobbing. In the UK, there is a Tattuma program that establishes a court of students and teachers in each school to deal with such complaints. For cases of severe teenage bullying, there is a technique called “shuttle diplomacy”: the psychologist alternates between meeting with the target of bullying and then with the aggressors, developing conditions under which the parties could meet and conclude a truce.

Once the bullying has stopped, it's time to take care of the very thing mentioned at the beginning of the article - positive reasons for collaboration. Of course, no one needs to be forced into the team. There are children who will never want or will not be able to actively make friends and participate in joint games and activities. But it is important that those who need to express themselves can do so without violence.