Modern life is very rich in various twists and turns of fate. Today, spouses who love each other may turn out to be sworn enemies tomorrow. And very often it happens that, at first glance, a strong marriage ends in a loud divorce proceedings.

Today, no one is surprised at the quirks of both men and women. But most often there are men who are torn at two families... And such an ambiguous situation in the modern world is very common. According to all laws in our country, polygamy is prohibited, it turns out that the status of one wife is considered legal, and the second woman will be a common-law wife. And often in both families there are heirs, and the wife knows that the man has a second family.

People always paint themselves a picture of a kind, gentle wife and bitch lover. But sometimes it happens that a decent man gets into such a situation. He genuinely tries to figure out the situation, but she absorbs him entirely. A man loves children, whom he does not intend to abandon, sympathizes with women, is afraid of losing both, is wary of shame and sidelong glances, does not know how to solve a huge problem. And the life of a man begins on two fronts.

This difficult situation presents families with a lot of suffering, because a man is trying to reconcile both families, and every woman wants to drag a loved one into her family. And it often happens that such confusing situations drag on for many years, and a man is torn into two families.

There are quite a few reasons when such families arise. The most common reason for such double families is the financial well-being of the man. Very rich men want to diversify their family life and have a young one. The girl does not intend to lose her patron, and gives birth to children for him, while receiving the unspoken status of the second-place wife. If a man is able to provide for both families himself, then women put up with the presence of a rival, fearing to lose financial stability.

The second reason for creating such marriages is a woman's fear of loneliness. According to statistics, much less men are born than women, so the fear of a woman is quite justified. So she suffers a rival, each living his own life, and dividing a man for years.

But there are also cases when a man really adores and worships both women and does not intend to part with each one. They, in turn, are attached to one man. And it turns out to be a rather complex love triangle.

Often people live like this until the end of their days, but there are families who are keenly trying to find a way out of this difficult situation. At the main stage of solving the problem is understanding the truth - how this situation can end. Once progress has been made, the decision is much easier. And strange marriages cannot be understood as something good and acceptable, because everyone, including children, feels incredible suffering.

Endless jealousy is especially destructive. Whatever the woman says, on the subconscious she wants to return the man only to herself. And if she wants to achieve her goal, then there will be no rules for her.

It is very common for both wives to stop thinking about their actions during the Cold War. Quarrels cross all legal boundaries. There were cases of disfigurement of faces by women with sulfuric acid.

Children suffer no less from such family stories. Indeed, most often a man lives with his legal wife, and pays less attention to his mistress. Children from the "second wife" may suffer from a lack of father's attention, although from the financial side they are provided with everything.

What is the final decision for a man to make?

But no matter how much the string twists, there will definitely be an end. No matter how many years a man has been sprayed into two families, one day he will have to make a final decision, after which one woman is left with a terrible and certainty that her personal life did not work out.

The man in this whole story feels much better than women. After all, in any case, he himself will not remain. But at the same time, he forgets how much pain he brings to both families. After all, a person who loves will never hurt loved ones.

Only the participants themselves can find a way out of a rather difficult situation. And here it is necessary to take into account how two women and the male instigator look at such a situation. If all participants in the love process are absolutely happy with everything, then further stumbling blocks are pointless. But if one of the members of the love triangle suffers, then the problem must be solved urgently.

The wisest decision in married life is one thing: married men have no ties with strangers, and women never destroy other people's families. This is the only way to be truly happy. Women need to value themselves and not fall for such tangled relationships. Such a person who accidentally burst into life will not bring anything good. You should respect yourself, consider yourself a person, and then there will definitely be a soul mate.

"The husband went to his mistress, but lives with me!" Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.

Once upon a time, they did not grieve, they raised children (they are still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband went to his mistress.

But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, he even transported some of the things - but he still lives at home. He takes care of children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to make gifts.

And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?

Well, I will share my idea based on experience and observation. I must say right away that the husband can be returned, but it requires colossal efforts. So colossal that I strongly doubt their feasibility.

What's happening?

In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often, no more than three. And this is not without reason.

It is highly likely that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but they ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.

When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has a mouth full of trouble with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active movement around the city, the opportunity to stay ... All this creates conditions for the appearance of a new woman in life.

This is what happens to many men - they find themselves a new spouse.

It is important to note - it is the spouse. From her, he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as a father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in the current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to the spouse as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.

In other words, a man remains a father (he takes care of children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to make gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his spouse. Hence the desire to find a new spouse.

For many, this desire is embodied in a new connection on the side.

Such a relationship is rarely beneficial to a marriage - we note this especially. In throwing "I don't go there either, and I don't stay here," the man brings his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.

According to the mind, of course, you shouldn't start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now desperately needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, do not hurt her.

In the end, be a man - say bluntly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize an opportunity to be spouses (hand over the child to your grandmother or fall asleep yourself and let your wife rest or think of something else). Everything can be improved without "turning" to a mistress.

Alas, not everyone is so sensible.

What to do next?

Depends on the woman's goal and individual reaction to cheating. If cheating is causing any noticeable pain, then the following approach is not at all about you. Here it is better to go for a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the final).

You can start like this: “Some kind of toughness in our relationship has begun. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you were carried to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start differently.

I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went to look for something on the side. "

Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is that the husband gets it - he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.

But it can even reach a divorce, then - as a curve will take out.

But if you do not hurt from infidelity (if it even can be), then you can go the other way.

In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, his wife is hammering him, on the other, his mistress is pressing him, who demands that he finally get divorced, as long as he can pull (however, the man is not at all sorry - it could not be otherwise, he had to think before ).

The way out for the wife is to become a party that does not require anything.

It is important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see. It's not about indulging a man, they say, honey, it's great that you have a mistress. It's not about keeping your face up and pretending nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.

I'm talking about the absence of requirements. Well, there, you know, how it happens: "Be determined - either I, or she!", "How long can all this go on!" etc. These requirements should not be categorical. That is, in general. And then it might work.

This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person pushes, the further the other moves away. If they are pressing from both sides, the person is more likely to move to the one where they are not pressing.

Well, he can still choose the third option - run away altogether, but this is rarely the case.

In this case - again, please read carefully! - the absence of requirements does not mean that the wife of a traitor smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. sincere expression of your feelings is very useful and encouraged in every possible way. Simply put, if you feel like crying, cry. And let the husband see.

Yes, you don't need to demand a decision from him, but you don't need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful here too - just such a case.

True, here again a serious question must be raised - will the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year, and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.

And, perhaps, this is correct. The concepts “We must live with the child’s father”, “If a man left (or did not come) is your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “such is the woman’s lot” - are utterly stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails, she is completely smeared.

So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.

Being yourself, looking and dressing the way you like, setting your own rules in life - what could be better? But sometimes it happens that a person just needs to urgently change himself and his preferences, and in a cardinal way. How to change beyond recognition? Why is there such a need? We will talk about this in detail below.

The reasons for the desire to change yourself

There can be a lot of reasons for change, because, as you know, how many people - so many opinions. People are often pushed to experiment with themselves by the following reasons:

1. Love. Especially the first, teenage love, or a keen feeling, attraction to the opposite sex. For the first time in all the years of his life, a person can wake up with the thought: "I want to change beyond recognition, so that my beloved (my beloved) could love me."
2. When a person realizes that with the current state of affairs, with the way he looks and treats people, he cannot achieve anything in life, he decides to make fundamental changes.
3. The desire to become more popular, to attract attention. Self-centered natures are very prone to frequent changes. Of course, they love themselves, but the shell, the appearance in which they are, they are constantly not satisfied.
4. Self-development. A healthy desire to change something in your life arises in yourself due to ordinary human curiosity. We all love to learn something new and bring it into our everyday life.

In addition, there are psychological factors that push a person to change. Various stressful situations, conflicts and setbacks can cause a desire to change. The new image of the subconscious will be perceived as protection from the negativity associated with the past.

External changes for men

It is quite difficult for representatives of the strong half of humanity to change outwardly without the help of a specialist. Below we will consider several ways, beyond recognition, suitable for men:

• Go in for sports actively. This is a great opportunity to change not only your lifestyle, but also your appearance. Perhaps many men dream of a beautiful, embossed body. But to achieve such results without physical activity is unrealistic.
• Cut off the regrown beard, mustache, or, conversely, grow it back. This changes the facial features a lot. Try with colored lenses, radically change your wardrobe.
• Learn to communicate correctly and competently with the opposite sex. which means that in order to get the object of passion into your networks, you need to change the manner of communication.
• Accept yourself for who you are. Consent with your own "I" accelerates the process of both internal and external transformation. Having decided on changes, be sure to coordinate this issue with yourself, having analyzed in detail why and why you are doing this.

Of course, men have fewer options for change. And the most cardinal method is plastic surgery. But is it worth resorting to such measures?

Ways of External Change for Women

It is enough for a lady to visit a beauty salon, as she is incredibly transformed. How to change a girl beyond recognition? It is enough to follow simple guidelines:

• Change of wardrobe. The change in the image should be made taking into account the peculiarities of the figure. For example, if you have short and full legs, then replacing the maxi skirt with a mini is not advisable. First, decide which style suits you best. If earlier you preferred strict, classic clothes, then for radical changes you can try a sporty or urban style.
• Change of hairstyle. Changing the shape and color of hair allows you to transform in just 1.5-2 hours. Were you blonde with long hair? Become a hot brunette with short hair! However, it is worth remembering that frequent hair dyeing can lead to hair loss.
• Use of decorative cosmetics. How to change beyond recognition? Apply makeup. Applied correctly can make your face look completely different.
• Losing weight. Do you want drastic changes? Start with your weight. It is not at all necessary to go on a rigid diet and exhaust yourself with hunger strikes. It is enough to determine for yourself the number of kilograms that you need to get rid of.

And these are not all the ways to change beyond recognition. Ladies are more inventive in this regard, they can radically change themselves in 1 day, week or month, and without the intervention of specialists.

All changes begin with internal changes. Be sure to discuss with yourself each item that you want to apply to yourself. Before starting to change, representatives of both sexes should think, but what is all this for? If you want to do this for someone or someone else, then ask yourself, will this person be next to you after all the changes? Will you become more successful, prettier and more popular? You should not drastically change everything in your life because of a fleeting desire - reincarnation should be gradual and deliberate.

How to change beyond recognition internally? Start with small steps that gradually change your lifestyle, pace of life, and character.

Prioritize

Decide what you want the most. Create a specific wish list, highlight the most coveted. You do not need to waste yourself on the implementation of household, everyday plans, for example, such as buying a new washing machine or stove. Think about the last time you got on vacation, relaxed, spent time with your family? Start off on vacation, eating out together and going out with your family. Lonely people are suitable for communication with friends and parents, new acquaintances.

Plan your day well. Make a list of the most important things for today and cross out the points as you complete it - the visual representation helps the subconscious mind to understand that the task is completed, which means that thoughts about it are no longer appropriate.

Learn what you've always dreamed of

We learn all our lives, constantly learning something new. But we do not always have the opportunity to gain the knowledge that is necessary to realize the hidden potential. Learn a foreign language, take guitar lessons, piano lessons, try yourself as a singer or designer. Any new role will allow you to open up and change in a short time.

Is it realistic to change beyond recognition in a month due to new skills and knowledge? It all depends on your desire for change, as well as the type of activity that you decided to master. The more complex it is, the longer the learning and change process will take.

New emotions - new "I"

Travel as often as possible, and not necessarily in foreign countries. Visit every little corner of your homeland - an influx of new emotions is guaranteed. Ride a bike, ride along the streets of your hometown, watch the sunrise on the shore of the lake - all this will bring a sea of ​​positive into your life. Make it a rule for yourself to smile more often - not only you change with a smile, but also the world around you.

How to change in a week beyond recognition? Start emitting positivity. In one day, alas, this cannot be achieved if a person is by nature gloomy and does not know how to enjoy life. Special training will help you master this skill.

Remember that your inner "I" is a temple, therefore do not let any rubbish in the form of everyday problems, conflicts, minor troubles into the subconscious. They destabilize the emotional state of a person, making it difficult to enjoy life.

Repetition and perseverance

Be more persistent in your actions, do not give up. The constant repetition, search and elimination of the mistakes made allows you to understand how to change beyond recognition. The character can only be changed. Define the trait in yourself that you want to get rid of as soon as possible, and start working on yourself.

If you decide to change dramatically, then start by giving up laziness and idleness. Constant control of your thoughts and actions, agreement with your own "I" - this is what will help to overcome the difficulties associated with changes.

Live in the present

What happened to you in the past should recede into the background. Even if past events bring you positive emotions and help you relax, they should still be set aside during the time of change. Remember! The person you were in the past and the person you are now are completely different people.

Concentrate your attention on what is happening at the moment, without thinking about other options for the development of events. While walking, simultaneously fix your gaze on several surrounding objects, people. Go headlong into the situation you are in. With constant exercise, you will learn how to meditate and establish contact with yourself, as well as accept reality as it is.

The lesson allows you to protect yourself from the negativity coming from ourselves, and unnecessary anxiety. Acceptance of reality helps to improve a person's life, helps him change internally, teaches him to love and appreciate what he has.

This work will consider what changes occur in the behavior of people and what they are caused by.

Recently, the tendency of discrepancy between the set of rules developed by society on the behavior of people and the behavior of a significant part of society, when they are outside the field of vision of the same society, has become more and more pronounced. Every year, more and more laws are being developed and adopted that toughen the punishment for crimes, both against humanity in general and against a person in particular. In society, the bar for the norms of human morality is being raised higher and higher. Public opinion is becoming more and more irreconcilable to the manifestation of violence against a person. Moreover, the degree of irreconcilability increases not in arithmetic, but in geometric progression. On the other hand, through the media, and some of them personally, we observe an ever-increasing number of cases of unmotivated cruelty, mockery of a person "for fun," mockery for nothing. For example, the case is quite memorable when schoolchildren in a physical education lesson dragged an elderly, plump teacher of retirement age by the hand on the parquet only because she looked ridiculous and ridiculous at the same time. Even 100 years ago, it was impossible to imagine that a hardened criminal who shot more than one person could mock an elderly weak woman in such a way. Or when teenagers, for fun, throw off a heavy tire from a lorry from the roof of a tall building onto a person passing by. Naturally, a person dies on the spot from such a strong blow. Moreover, a teenager who has thrown off the tire, in the eyes of his friends, who look at him with admiration, acquires the halo of a hero. Like, he could, but we could not. This means that the teenager who committed this murder is not a black sheep among the young people around him, he is just a little more determined among them. At the same rate, another type of unmotivated crime is growing - crimes associated with the increasing irritability of people. For example, there are cases when an inadequate motorist kills another car owner just because he accidentally touched his car. Or a passenger on public transport injures another passenger for pushing him accidentally.

So what is the recent boom in unmotivated crimes? The reasons for this can be divided into two parts. First. This is a change in physiological factors, which is expressed, first of all, in the variability of the central nervous system, which is fixed in the human genome. Second. This is what, how and how a person learns from the moment of his birth. If the first is a layer of knowledge, which includes fundamentally different explanations of both cortical formations: new cortex, old cortex, ancient cortex, and subcortical nuclei: amygdala, caudate nucleus, etc., and nuclei of the midbrain, pons, oblong brain. Even very briefly, it will take up a very large volume and will be covered later. But we will now stop at the second one.

To understand what the child learns from the moment of his birth, one must compare what the child absorbs now and 100 years ago. 100 years ago, as well as 200 years ago, as well as 300 years ago, in a family, usually with many children, it was mainly grandmothers and nannies who were entirely involved in upbringing. The child received only positive, correct explanations for any situation. In all the old fairy tales that the child learned about, good always wins. The child saw with his own eyes how the father is gallant towards the mother, how the younger obey the elders. And by the time when grown-up children fell into society, they had already firmly formed their own worldview, which was based on the optimal judgments and principles of morality developed by mankind over a long time.

And what is happening to the child now, how is his formation taking place? For a number of reasons, a child is brought up only by parents, more often by one. The time that parents now devote to raising a child is an order of magnitude less than 100 years ago, not to mention earlier times, because the parents are busy all day, first with work, then taking care of the household. And in the evening, when parents are left alone with their children, they simply do not have the strength and desire to engage in upbringing. If we add to this the fact that modern people are much more irritable than, for example, at the beginning of the last century, then the result of all these reasons will be the minimum time devoted to raising a child over the past many hundreds of years. Moreover, with each decade, this time will decrease, tending to zero. And here we come to the question: how does the child fill the vacant niche of correct, positive upbringing? This niche will be filled in three ways:

1. First. These are nursery and kindergarten teachers and school teachers. According to the original plan, they should positively sanctify the entire path of human development and the structure of modern society, in addition to knowledge on specific disciplines that are studied later. This path is the only positive of the three, and the positive effect of this path is rapidly decreasing every decade. And this will happen not because modern educators and teachers have little knowledge, but because modern people are becoming more irritable. This irritability of educators and teachers will manifest itself in the form of a shout, a raised tone, insults, and physical pressure on children. And this, in turn, will lead to a decrease in the effectiveness of training and education.
2. Second. These are the media (television, radio, Internet, etc.) with which the child is left alone, left to himself. Consider television. Every year it becomes more and more vulgar, more scandalous, more and more crimes are shown on the screen. And the level of morality and spirituality is constantly falling. It is clear that TV channels are fiercely fighting for each viewer, because their material well-being depends on this. And a person will be most interested not in what a person should be like, how he should behave in a given situation, but in what fundamentally contradicts this, the so-called "strawberry", cruelty, violence, etc. Therefore, we are not interested in how everything happens predictably on the plane, but in how some drunken passenger makes a scandal and swearing. Therefore, humorous programs are becoming more and more vulgar, and more and more people are being killed in action films, and the number of scandalous programs is growing every year. And how a small child with no life experience and with little mental development will react to these same action movies. If an adult, as it were, understands that the main character, killing dozens of bandits, administers fair justice, then the child, who is not yet versed in justice, takes out of this film, only that by killing right and left, you will have the most glory and universal respect. Cartoons are evolving in a similar vein. And as a result, television, not to mention the Internet, has a negative impact on an unprepared child.
3. Third. This is the path of spontaneous unification of different individuals of the same species. Any species of animals that live in packs will always have a male or female at the head, for any reason letting in fangs or claws to conquer or maintain leadership. So it is with a person. As soon as children begin to unite from a very early age, and this is a nursery, a kindergarten, etc., an explicit and implicit struggle for leadership immediately begins. And the victory here will always be won by a stronger boy who, without hesitation, uses his fists. And so he subjugates everyone else. And this is usually the strongest and not the most intelligent child. His inclinations are usually the lowest at this age. And he usually strengthens his authority by doing negative actions, showing what a universal subverter he is, how tough he is. The rest of the children begin to imitate him, trying to adopt what was completely unusual for them. More reasonable children become quiet people who do not show universal heroism, and therefore are usually despised by leaders and a larger mass of children. And this happens from the moment different unformed children are placed in one enclosed space. And therefore, parents are sometimes shocked by those phrases or actions of their children who came from a nursery, kindergarten or school. It's just that a child imitates his idol from the same institution. In a similar way, the child is affected by the yard in which he lives. It is clear that this has an extremely negative impact on the formation of the moral foundations and everyday behavior of children.

Of course, not all children are affected by these factors. Much depends on the genetic and physiological parameters of the child himself, which will be revealed in other works.

And in conclusion, we can say that the gap between what, from our point of view, a person should be and what he really is, is growing every year. And every year we will be more and more shocked by the kind of bullying and cruelty a modern person can come to in a seemingly civilized society.