It's sad to realize this, but modern society It is not uncommon for a man to live in two families. Of course, polygamy is prohibited in our country, but no one talks about two wives. Usually one wife is official, and the second is a common-law wife or, as they say, a mistress. You can sympathize with both. A woman, unlike a representative of the stronger sex, is more inclined to monogamy, so it is difficult to bear the understanding that she is not the only one with her beloved. Why do such situations arise, and is there a way out of them?
Who is hiding behind the face of the bigamist?
Psychologists note that dual relationships are characteristic of a morally immature man. Relationships in a couple give a person special integrity, but living in two families forces him to be torn between them, which, of course, is exhausting.
What are the reasons for this phenomenon?
One of the main and especially characteristic for our society is the financial security of a man. Most of today's rich people did not earn their money the easy way. They are tired, and there is also a family routine that requires attention. In such a situation, many businessmen are looking for an outlet, and often it becomes a young “second wife”, and not necessarily a beloved one. Another important fact - with a young beautiful girl It’s so easy to create the illusion of one’s own youth, the past years disappear, and with them all the problems. Therefore, a man supports his common-law wife, often has children from her, and provides for them. At the same time, divorce is not part of his plans, because he loves his official wife in his own way, especially since he has gone through and experienced a lot together with her.
However, sometimes a man really truly loves both women, or at least believes it. He is attached to them, losing one of them is for him great tragedy. It cannot be said that a person is not tormented by remorse; some even try to break up with one of the women, but in most cases without success.
Is it possible to be happy without being the only one?
Often women live quite happily with a husband who is often not at home. Agree, this way you have more time for yourself, for get-togethers with girlfriends or other things. In addition, if the husband does not plan to be at home, there is no need to stand at the stove preparing lunch or dinner.
This illusion of well-being, as a rule, persists until the woman finds out about her rival. Some wives fall into a state of shock when they learn that their husband's eternal business trips were not business trips at all. It happens that in the depths of her soul a woman guessed that not everything was in order in the relationship, but she drove away bad thoughts. One day she finds out that the man not only has another woman, but he literally lives with her as with his wife. Then you'll be calm, harmonious life fails.
What should a woman do?
A man lives in two families - this is the very situation when it is impossible to give the only correct advice. Many women choose to endure their husband's bigamy for years. There can be many explanations for this: material security, fear of depriving the child of his father, and even ordinary habit. Some people continue to love the traitor no matter what.
This situation is fraught with the emergence of many problems. Constant jealousy and suffering not only exhaust a woman, but can cause various diseases, sometimes very difficult. It’s not without reason that they say that all diseases are caused by nerves.
In addition, having learned who their rival is, some women may decide to take a desperate step. Everyone has heard stories about scandals and even fights between women, sometimes reminiscent of military battles.
Don’t forget about children, both from your official wife and from your mistress. In any case, the child will suffer, watching the grief of his mother, quarrels between parents and the constant absence of his father. Good provision, prestigious kindergarten or school, vacations in exotic countries will not help compensate the child for the lack of harmony in the family.
If at least one party suffers in a love triangle, of course, it would be better to end this relationship. It is known that in such cases a man rarely initiates a break with one of the women, so the woman should take the initiative into her own hands. Anyway, sooner or later such relationships will end, so maybe it would be better if this happens earlier?
Mention should also be made of situations where an ambiguous position suits all sides of the triangle. A wife may know about her husband’s mistress, but not worry too much about it: “if she gets mad, she’ll settle down.” An unofficial wife may be satisfied that a man provides for her. A man in such a situation will be even more pleased: two wives and no conflicts between them. Often this position persists until the death of one of the sides of the triangle. It is interesting that, according to statistics, in most cases it is the man who dies first, and often from heart disease. Probably, bigamists still don’t live in peace. 5 votes)
Hello. I am 29 years old. My husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old.
My husband works in the vehicle maintenance industry. At first they worked, then they started earning money. My first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, and began moving up the career ladder. And I'm at home with my son. I am a good housewife, many people praise me. At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight this, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. Three years later, a second son was born. Without leaving the first maternity leave, I went on the second.
I understand that my husband was no longer interested in me. There is nothing to talk to me about except news about children. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of maternity leave have degraded me as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and am completely back in shape. He loves children very much, but spends literally half an hour with them for 4-5 days when he comes home to change clothes.
And so, literally six months ago, my husband began to leave for a day, then two. He explained this either by being busy at work or leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel.
2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.
I started a small business in addition to my main job. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all his time with his mistress. According to the facts, he is really torn between work, business, family and mistress.
When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. It seems to me that he is trying to make amends for his guilt. We don't need money either. He can't look me in the eye. But I can’t understand whether it’s a feeling of guilt or just hostility. I don’t create scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him away even more. But it is very difficult to greet with a smile a husband who comes 5 days later from another woman.
I've lost a lot of weight. Seeing what happened to me nervous soil, he feels sorry for me. He says: “What a fool I am, what did I do to you.” But still nothing changes.
I worry a lot, I love him madly, I’m ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. when the fact of betrayal was revealed - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame himself, he constantly avoids the conversation. Although I am sure this cannot continue. He must make a decision.
Hello, Anastasia! let's look at what's going on:
At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.
and this is the beginning of alcoholism! It’s worth thinking about - a person is prone to addiction, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children, he still drinks! This means he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)
2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.
this is a continuation of his frailty and immaturity - he shows his generally irresponsible position! and for you yourself it is worth noting that IT IS NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a lifestyle! think - what kind of HIM DO YOU LOVE - the way he REALLY is? or the way you would like him to be???
Maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is cheating, that all this continues - ACCEPTED all this - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept this too! and seeing his elections, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him not to make a decision - but why? the wife KNOWS and accepts! A relationship with your mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations is very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until THEY DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or your mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make a decision YOURSELF - DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE??? if NO, then the solution is not to wait until he understands it, but to resolve the situation yourself - to show it to both him and yourself! and while you are in a relationship with him, he has no motivation to change anything! The decision is still YOURS to make!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 3Anastasia,
Finding out that your beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And when you meet him, you can behave in different ways. But most women, unfortunately, behave in a stereotypical way: they expose, present and demand from the man to decide who he is with.
We know where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be kept later and to an obvious break when the spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she gets stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.
Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.
First of all, you placed responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think about it, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And here he is rushing about, and between what and what, let’s try to understand.
If you are ready, then instead of “madly” loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and like an adult woman.
Think about it, you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not just one day's work, but daily work.
Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman are not the same thing. You have focused on being a mother, but have forgotten about being a loving and loved woman.
Think about getting started individual work with a psychologist (possibly on Skype) towards discovering and developing your female potential. You can contact me.
All the best,
Sincerely
Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I have received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.
Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.
But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.
And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?
Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.
What's happening?
In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason.There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.
When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. The men here more possibilities- work, active movement around the city, the opportunity to linger... All this creates conditions for the emergence of new woman in life.
This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.
It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.
In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife.
For many, this desire is embodied in new connection on the side.
Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the rush of “I’m not going there and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.
In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.
In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.
Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.
What to do next?
Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end).You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.
I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”
Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.
But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.
But if you are not hurt by betrayal (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.
In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ).
The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.
It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.
I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.
It's a common paradox family life- the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.
Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.
At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.
Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.
True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.
And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.
So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.
Hello, my husband Anatoly, born on February 25, 1970, lives with two families, this has been going on for two years. He lives there for two weeks, a week at home. He says that when he is there he feels drawn to go home, when he returns home he feels drawn to go there. When he is there he texts me that he is bored, at home he calls her in front of me, the person has changed dramatically, from an honest person he has turned into a drone, he doesn’t work, he lies, he has mood swings, he can be silent for a long time and then smile, he’s nervous, he used to be there for three days at home for three days, he doesn’t listen to anyone, no attention at all to parents and children. Married since 1991, doesn’t want a divorce, but doesn’t have a life. Please help me understand the situation. Thank you.
Hello Svetlana!
Everything is obvious here - a love spell has been made. Moreover, the love spell was not done by a professional, but most likely by that other woman. Otherwise, your husband would have left you long ago. And so he is torn between two families, and believe me, he suffers more than you.
His experiences are a hundred times stronger, since his consciousness and feelings are tossing around and cannot find a way out, the right solution. You need to think carefully and decide whether you need this person? If you love him and are ready to go to the bitter end, winning him back from your rival, try using rituals that remove the love spell and improve relationships in the family. And if you are already so tired of all this and don’t see the point in continuing life together, get a divorce. And don’t torture yourself or them. Divorce can also be promoted.
Lapel ritual
For it, take 4 trimmings of woolen threads different color. Let's say black, white and green. White thread will symbolize you, the black one (there will be two of them) - the husband, and the green one, respectively, the homewrecker. Tie the black and green threads together. Grab them in the middle. One end needs to be lowered into water, the other end should be set on fire using a church candle.
At the same time say:
“The green serpent leads you astray from the righteous path, entangles you in chains, deprives you of happiness and joy, mortifies the flesh and mind.”
Then tie together the white and black thread. They need to be dipped in melted honey or jam. At the same time say:
“You swore allegiance to live with me before God and people, so live and be happy.”
After the ceremony, put all the threads in a box and hide it in a dark place.
For your husband's consent to divorce, take his photo and 3 church candles. Drip wax from them onto the forehead, mouth and heart area in the photo, saying: “We are born, a thought is formed, a thought comes out. Go away and don't appear again. Amen".
I hope you accept correct solution. Good luck!
