Reading time: 8 minutes.

You might be surprised by the choice of topic for this article. It would seem that what does “interesting life” have to do with it? But, according to statistics, two-thirds of the audience of “ZHI!” - women, for them the topic of love is always relevant. And the theme of suffering in love

You might be surprised by the choice of topic for this article. It would seem that what does “interesting life” have to do with it? But, according to statistics, two-thirds of the audience of “ZHI!” - women, for them the topic of love is always relevant. And the topic of suffering in love is doubly relevant! To love means to suffer. This folk wisdom from women sounds naive and simple, but in life this is often what happens. Sad statistics: about 70% of cases, the reason for turning to a female psychologist is the pain of unhappy love. Personally, I know of stories where the breakup of a relationship was so severe that the woman needed not only psychological, but also medicinal support. Once upon a time, I myself experienced a painful breakup and experienced strong sad feelings for a long time... It is very important to realize that such states are powerful a resource that must be used for your own benefit, and under no circumstances focus on your suffering!

Let me tell you my story.

After divorcing my husband, it took me a long time to come to my senses, completely unwilling to enter into a new relationship. Once in a company I met a man who I really liked. At that time he was married, and I had no illusions. A year later, I accidentally found out that he was divorced. We met, talked, he offered to see each other again... A whirlwind romance began with all that it implies: love, passion, dizzying joint plans. I accepted with joy that he was offered a high position with a move to another city, because he had dreamed about it for a long time . So my beloved left. At first everything was wonderful, he came often, we continued to meet, and I was sure that he would soon offer to move in with him. But he disappeared. Suddenly. Without a trace. No explanation. "The subscriber is temporarily unavailable."

It was a shock. I couldn't understand what was happening! I waited for the call, without letting go of the phone for a second, I called myself - to no avail. I repeated to myself that this is not just the case, that he is not capable of deception and betrayal. I simply refused to believe what was happening. I was choking on tears of despair. What happened next? Quite a sad story. From our mutual friend, I learned that my loved one was framed, the matter is very serious, and he is in a pre-trial detention center under investigation. Since then, my life has been divided into BEFORE and AFTER. At first, I couldn’t believe that I might never see him again. I felt so bad! Then it seemed that life was over and what was happening was worse than death... He was given a sentence. I found him, came to meetings “through glass”. However, I could not give up on myself and wait for his release. My child was growing up, and I had to find the strength to live on. This story lasted two years. Just imagine, I voluntarily doomed myself to two years of suffering instead of a bright, happy life! The decision came suddenly. I decided to get a second higher education. I changed my surroundings and met new people. I saw new opportunities and prospects. While studying to become a psychologist, I myself underwent a course of psychotherapy, thanks to which I understood the causes of my own problems and two years of suffering. I understood a simple thing: any positive changes are possible only when a person takes full responsibility for what happens to him. It is from the moment of realizing this obvious fact that changes begin in a person’s life. But in order to understand this, it took me personally two years of suffering. Don't repeat my mistakes. Appreciate every day of your life!

To speed up your “recovery” from unhappy love, I have made several recommendations: what you should and should not do in case of a painful separation from your loved one.

What to do if you are abandoned

You are desperate. It is unbearable! It seems that life is over, and there is only melancholy and torment ahead. Yes, perhaps parting was the right decision for the two of you, but why is it so painful, so hard... To resolve the problem, you have two ways: continue to suffer, feel sorry for yourself and hope for a miracle, or start living more consciously and effectively, perceiving your condition as a resource that can and should be used for your own benefit. All roads are open to you. Take your pick! Let's look at this story from a different perspective. What happened happened only at your request, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. It is important to understand that without deep work on yourself, without fundamental shifts in your system of self-esteem and the assessment of others, you will select all subsequent partners exactly like the previous one. “We choose each other for a reason. We only meet those who are already in our subconscious.”Sigmund Freud Here is the real story of one of my clients. She was married five (!) times, and gave birth to a child from each husband. All men living married to her became alcoholics. As a result, they broke up, after which the man returned to a sober life. Personally, she does not consider this a pattern, and is still in search of her ideal.

Five Steps to Successfully Overcoming a Love Crisis

Determine what you would like to achieve in the near future (“bringing back your loved one” does not count). The wording must be extremely precise. For example: “I want to control my feelings during a breakup and be calm,” instead of “I want to forget him.” Or “I want to be more confident in myself and learn to say no,” instead of “I want to become a better person.” Remember your goal and keep it in mind. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It is self-pity that prevents you from looking at the situation objectively. Being in a state of emotional chaos, you cannot see the true reasons for the current situation. Self-pity and the voluntarily chosen position of the victim are a dead end. Moreover, this is dangerous because you will unconsciously build relationships in which self-pity is encouraged. Change your environment. The influence of the environment is great. If you are communicating with a friend whose main goal is a successful career (and your goal is family and relationships), think about whether it is worth maintaining such a friendship, because your ideas may conflict and interfere with an objective assessment of the situation. Some of you will be forced to give in. Stop hoping for a miracle and waiting for quick results. A deep wound takes time to heal. Don’t expect that you will listen to an online training, read a couple of articles on the Internet, learn the art of seduction - and everything will immediately change for the better. Working on yourself is a long and continuous process. And if you have set out on this path, it simply doesn’t make sense to stop, just as it doesn’t make sense, for example, to lose weight before a corporate party in order to fit into a beautiful dress and immediately overeat at the festive table.. Carefully analyze all your love stories. Complete the “Relationship History” exercises. This must be done in order to understand the true reasons for failures. To do this, you need to remember and write down in chronological order all the partners who had a strong influence on you. Once the list has been compiled, answer the following questions:

• How did you meet?
• Who was the initiator?
• Why did you like it?
• How did the relationship work out?
• Why did you break up?
• Who initiated the breakup?
• What did this relationship give you?

Analyze what is common in all cases. Be impartial. This way you can track your mistakes, because your suffering is not accidental.

Time is the most valuable resource

Count how many hours you have spent in grief and suffering. How many nights have you spent in tears, waiting for his calls? How many times have you humiliated yourself, asked for a meeting, talked about your feelings, but you were not heard? Are you ready to endure this further? Or maybe you want to repeat the fate of the grotesque heroine of Dickens’s work, where the bride, who has already become an old woman, in a half-decayed wedding dress, sitting at the wedding table, waits for her groom, who did not come to the church for the wedding. Remember: a clear understanding of the situation is always more beneficial than rose-colored glasses. Now imagine that you have turned into a woman who knows how to manage her emotions, does not give in to the temptation to suffer and creates relationships herself. How will your life change? Write down your answer! Track your thoughts and remember: as soon as you change your attitude towards yourself, your whole life will change.

Who is guilty?

You've probably heard that a poor man who wins a million in the lottery remains a poor man. After all, internally he is not ready for wealth. Within a couple of months, not a trace of the money will remain, and the “lucky one” will be overcome by depression and debts even greater than before receiving the jackpot. The same thing happens in relationships. A woman who is not internally ready for marriage meets a man. Even if he is perfect, she will manage to ruin the relationship and suffer after that. As one of my clients commented: “Only by accepting responsibility and recognizing that everything that happens in life happens not TO ME, but BY MY WILL, only then do you understand that you also suffer by your own will, and you allow unworthy people into your life also by your own will... Then you think - what’s the point of deliberately dooming yourself to suffering?” You can continue to blame your ex for all the sins, but the fact remains that the source of the pain of separation lurks within yourself. Until you change the “root” attitudes in your “I”, there will be no sense in suffering. What do you choose?

Is it necessary to try to get rid of any pain, how to console someone who is presenting an account to God, and why a person always cries “for a reason” – theologians and psychologists discussed

On December 14, the conference “Suffering and the peculiarities of providing assistance to suffering people in church and secular practice” was held at PSTGU. The central speeches of the conference were two reports - by the dean of the Faculty of Theology of PSTGU, Archpriest Pavel Khondzinsky and Doctor of Psychological Sciences Fyodor Efimovich Vasilyuk, who discussed the topic of deliverance from suffering from different angles.

Anesthetized man

The report of Archpriest Pavel Khondzinsky, “The Anesthetized Man,” was dedicated to the impact that the invention of pain relief had on the worldview of modern man.

For quite a long time, suffering was perceived in the Christian tradition as a gift, the acceptance of which “as a necessary condition for approaching Christ was not questioned either in the East or in the West.” Archpriest Pavel recalled that back in the 17th century, Blaise Pascal perceived grief as a voluntary sacrifice of a person: “It is not shameful for a person to surrender to the power of grief, but it is shameful to surrender to the power of pleasure. Grief does not at all try to tempt us, does not lead us into temptation, it is we who bow to it of our own free will, recognize its power and therefore remain the masters of the situation, we are submissive to ourselves, and only to ourselves, while, enjoying, we become slaves of pleasure. The ability to manage and control oneself always exalts a person, slavery always covers him with shame.”

The speaker also recalled the saying of the Apostle Peter that unjust suffering pleases God. “It pleases God if anyone, thinking about God, endures tribulations, suffering unjustly” (1 Pet. 2: 19).

“This statement, strange for a modern person, can obviously be interpreted as follows,” reflects Fr. Paul. - Fallen man is doomed to suffer; in the scroll of his life, according to the prophet Isaiah, sobbing, pity and grief are written. Moreover, these sufferings, being a consequence of original sin, cannot in any way be called unjust. Only Christ, in the proper sense of the word, suffers unjustly (innocently), since He is like us in everything except sin. However, His redemptive suffering, without destroying the community of the law of suffering, at the same time creates the possibility of innocent suffering for those who have joined them through the Church. Now the one who suffers unjustly, thinking about God, suffers in this sense innocently and thereby draws closer to Christ.”

Thus, from the point of view of Christian anthropology, it is unjust suffering that can be called a person’s voluntary sacrifice, bringing him closer to God.

However, by the 17th century, the view of the problem of suffering was changing. From now on, unjust suffering is perceived as a reason to reproach the Divine. Thus, the need to justify God arises, and in parallel, the corresponding genre of theodicy arises.

More than a hundred years later, the situation is radically changed by technological progress. On October 16, 1846, at the Boston Clinic, William Morton for the first time successfully performed an operation to remove a tumor in a patient's neck using anesthesia.

“It was then that the damage to fallen human nature was, as it were, proportionately compensated by the achievements of technical progress. Man did not cease to be fallen, but seemed to have regained (or rather decided that he had regained) the properties of the primordial Adam,” says Fr. Pavel Khondzinsky.

The church's assessment of the new discovery did not appear immediately: “Only in February 1957, Pope Pius XII confirmed that “the Christian duty of renunciation and internal purification is not an obstacle to the use of anesthesia.” The Eastern Church did not make a conciliar assessment of anesthesia.

However, the advent of anesthesia had a profound impact not only on medicine, but also on the worldview of modern man in general. “Anesthesia has firmly taken possession of not only the physical, but also the mental and spiritual nature of man, as evidenced by the countless number of antidepressants and other drugs of the same kind offered to modern man in one form or another that anesthetize mental pain,” noted Fr. Paul.

Having experienced living under anesthesia, modern man actively tries to avoid any suffering at all.

Hence many modern problems - loneliness, inability to compassion, suggested Fr. Paul.

“An act of contact (physical or mental) is always potentially fraught for me with either my own pain or the need to take into account the pain of others, that is, co-suffering, which in turn is suffering for myself. It is now quite clear that from the point of view of the “anesthetized person,” if it is impossible to anesthetize the act of communication, then it is better to abandon it completely.”

According to the speaker, the most important characteristic of the “anesthetized person” was impatience.

“There is no life according to the commandments without patience, there is no patience without grace. However, for the modern person who does not know and does not seek grace, this gift is replaced by anesthetized impatience, the flip side of which, obviously, should be the ever-shortening periods between doses of anesthesia and the increasing inability to do without it.”

Many modern problems arise, according to Fr. Paul, precisely because of such impatience:

“Teenagers commit suicide after receiving a bad grade in their diary or not finding enough likes on their photos on social networks. According to WHO, by 2020, depression will take first place in the structure of morbidity and will affect 60% of the population, and mortality from severe depression, often leading to suicide, will take second place among other causes of mortality.”

In the end, the idea of ​​anesthesia, according to the speaker, replaced the idea of ​​anastasis - resurrection.

Paradoxizing the topic, Fr. Paul introduces the concept of “an anesthetized person”: “An anesthetized person” is a person who knows no remorse, is not responsible for his desires and actions, has no patience, is lonely and afraid of love.”

Does this mean that Fr. Does Pavel oppose the use of painkillers? No. “To the question, is it necessary to alleviate people’s suffering? - there should be an unequivocal answer - of course, it is necessary: ​​both by relieving them of physical pain and co-suffering, which is the sharing of suffering with the sufferer.”

Suffering seeks meaning

Doctor of Psychological Sciences Fyodor Efimovich Vasilyuk highlighted the topic of suffering from the other side - how to help a person survive suffering.

The suffering of another person confronts us with the need for compassion. In this situation, according to the speaker, three reactions are possible - theodicy, asceticism and consolation of the suffering. Psychologists and priests are close in the need to console the suffering. At the same time, experience, according to the psychologist, is not just an emotional state, but a lot of mental-structuring work.

“Experience as the experience of loss is the work of finding new supports and building suffering.

In general, the word “suffering” comes from the word “strada” - according to Dahl, “hard crowbar work, strained labor.”

At the same time, the psychologist who helps the client survive suffering is not in the position of a naturalist, he is involved in compassion. M.M. Bakhtin spoke about the existence of three forms of compassion - assistance, advice and sympathy. The psychologist is unable to do either the first or the second; he is left with counseling.”

Of course, when consoling a person, you need to remember that often he himself creates the situations from which he suffers. We need to entrust him with the zone of proximal development. We must allow him to endure the pain that he is able to endure. However, often any expression of love from others at this moment becomes support for people and helps them survive the pain easier.

“Experience,” said Fyodor Vasilyuk, “seeks meaning. A meaningless experience is one thing, an experience filled with meaning is another. We all remember Soviet-era dentists' offices, which looked more like torture rooms. But the pain on the way to the dentist and on the way from him are different pains.”

Sometimes finding or constructing meaning makes it easier to survive physical pain.

“I remember one grandmother - she was over ninety, she could hardly see anything, and her leg hurt very much. At moments when the pain became especially unbearable, she said: “Let it hurt even more, but let the granddaughter be fine with her husband.”

Obviously, she thought that the family’s suffering was somehow shared jointly: if some had more, then others less - let’s forgive her for this delusion. But it gave her suffering meaning.

I also remember Father Dmitry Ovsyannikov talking about a prisoner who believed in prison. And so, on the advice of his confessor, he turned his cell into a cell and began to learn monastic prayer. Outwardly nothing has changed - only his attitude has changed.

This is not an escape from suffering, but a situation where it ceases to be an enemy and serves as a means of helping loved ones or prayer.”

In addition, according to the speaker's observation, experience is always dialogical. A person always cries for a reason, he cries to “someone”. Sometimes an incomprehensible address distorts the relationships around a person; he needs to be helped to understand it himself.

“For example, one day a man without a nose came to me. He had certain disorders due to schizophrenia, which also left an imprint on the situation. He was once in love, but his chosen one rejected him. He considered that the reason for this was his appearance, and had plastic surgery, then the second, third, and on the fourth, he simply had to remove his nose.

But now he came with another problem: “I read the entire “Bible” several times, I traveled a lot to monasteries and pilgrimages. The Bible says that God does not give tests beyond one’s strength, but I am exactly the person to whom he gave such tests.”

I felt that this man came not with a defense, but with an accusation. If I had uttered some standard admonitions, he would have simply stated that in one other place he had not been helped. But I also felt that everything said was not addressed to me. And then I said:

Did I understand correctly that you suffered a lot, searched for meaning, turned to God with this question, but did not receive an answer?

Yes,” my client answered, after thinking, “God is silent, life passes, and I’m scared.”

In his understanding, nothing has changed, but he came out of the position of general accusation, and dialogue became possible.”

Also, according to F. E. Vasilyuk, the relationship between the mental and spiritual in help is important.

A cold call to pray is inappropriate for a wounded person; his pain must first be alleviated.

As an example, the speaker cited an episode from Dostoevsky’s novel, when a woman who had recently lost a child came to Elder Zosima. The usual admonitions that the baby was certainly with the Lord had no effect on her. And then the elder said: “Do not be comforted and cry! But remember that every time your son looks at you and points to the Lord. And this maternal cry will be enough for you for a long time. And in the end it will turn into quiet joy.”

The woman was acquitted of the charge of impious suffering, and her suffering was even shown respect. She was allowed to suffer, but a branch of prayer was grafted onto the tree of suffering. The perspective of suffering changes - not “you look at the sky,” but “the son is looking at you from there.” As a result, the situation of grief “opened up”, began to be perceived in a broader perspective, and communication with God turned out to be possible.

Descent into Hell

Talking about suffering is important, but also painful. How can I give advice here without having my own experience of suffering? Theoretical conversation is important, but it can turn out to be like a sharp knife, causing unnecessary pain. “Whoever has not suffered himself should not prescribe suffering for others,” Fr. Pavel Khondzinsky.

In conclusion, we would like to quote the words of a deceased priest who helped children with cancer and their parents - Fr. Georgy Chistyakov. Father George, it seems to us, places the most important emphasis in this conversation:

“In our churches, among the holy icons, the “Descent into Hell” occupies a rather prominent place - Jesus in this icon is depicted descending somewhere into the depths of the earth, and at the same time into the depths of human grief, despair and hopelessness. The New Testament does not speak about this event at all, only in the Apostles’ Creed there are two words about it - descendit ad inferos (“descended into hell”), and quite a lot in our church hymns.

Jesus not only suffers himself, but also descends into hell to share the pain of others.

He always calls us with him, telling us: “Come for me.” Often we really try to follow him. But here...

Here we try not to see someone else’s pain, we close our eyes, plug our ears. In Soviet times, we hid disabled people in reservations (like, for example, on Valaam) so that no one would see them, as if pitying the psyche of our compatriots. Mortuaries in hospitals were often hidden in the backyard so that no one would ever guess that people sometimes died here. And so on and so forth. Even now, if we consider ourselves non-believers, we try to play “cat and mouse” with death, pretend that it does not exist, as Epicurus taught, fence ourselves off from it, etc. In other words, in order not to be afraid of death, we use what - kind of like an analgesic.

If we consider ourselves believers, then we act no better: we say that it is not terrible, that this is God’s will, that there is no need to grieve for the deceased, because by doing so we are grumbling against God, and so on. One way or another, like non-believers, we also fence ourselves off from pain, shield ourselves from it instinctively, as if from the blow of a hand raised above us, that is, we also use, if not a drug, then at least an analgesic.

This is for yourself. And for others we do even worse. We try to convince a person who is in pain that it only seems to him, and it seems because he does not love God, etc. and so on. And as a result, we leave a person who is ill, hard and in pain alone with his pain, abandoning him alone at the most difficult place on the road of life.

But we should just go down with him to hell following Jesus - to feel the pain of the one who is nearby, in all its fullness, openness and authenticity, to share it, to experience it together.”

I have developed a number of rules for myself that keep me afloat every day and do not allow me to plunge headlong into suffering. Little by little, the background begins to change, and increasingly the norm becomes not avoiding misfortune, but a persistent feeling: “everything is going as it should.” Although not without whining, of course. How to get rid of suffering and start living life to the fullest?

It all started with a message from a friend. Something completely banal in the category of “what if they get offended” and “I can’t do that.” And inside there is fear. Do something wrong, make a mistake, say no. Fear of what they will think and, God forbid, refuse. Fear, behind which we hide our imperfections and accumulate discontent.

The origins of suffering lie within ourselves

Do you know what is the most disgusting thing about all this? We lose ourselves behind the mask of fear. We become angry, envious, and judgmental. And we suffer. It seems to us that the cause of everything is an arrogant neighbor, an inattentive husband or a rude boss - we do not realize that the sources of suffering lie within ourselves.

Suffering is a personal choice. Haruki Murakami

I read stories about adult children resenting their mothers, and guilt-ridden mothers, betrayed wives and single women in search of love - and to many I want to say: I know, I was there: offended, tormented, deceived and lonely. Did not like. Do not want anymore.

I could write a book about how they didn’t understand me, how they walked with dirty boots on my delicate mental organization, how I cried in the school toilet from humiliation and resentment, how I dreamed of recognition and love, how, as an adult, I rummaged through containers with inscriptions “childhood”, “adolescence” and “youth”, looking for reasons for the effects I have. Perhaps I could have stayed in one of these black boxes, if not for one BUT: why? Why do I need all this?

Suddenly an understanding came: poking around in the past is pointless, may the psychotherapists forgive me.

You can find an excuse for everything. This is exactly what I did, arranging events, feelings and expectations on the shelves of my own soul and giving each a name and number. I was stuck in my suffering, fueled by more and more whining and complaints, and the pain did not want to go away.

I have developed a number of rules for myself that keep me afloat every day and do not allow me to plunge headlong into suffering. Little by little, the background begins to change, and increasingly the norm becomes not avoiding misfortune, but a persistent feeling: “everything is going as it should.” Although not without whining, of course.

How to get rid of suffering and start living life to the fullest?

First of all, in order to avoid misunderstanding, I would like to divide suffering into real and imagined.

Real suffering is a reaction to events that happened regardless of our desire: illness, loss of loved ones, job loss or other unpleasant circumstances.

Here we can only wish for spiritual strength and faith that we are given exactly as much sadness as we can bear. Every test is an opportunity for spiritual growth and development.

When you finally get really honest with yourself, you admit that happiness doesn't necessarily awaken you any more than sadness, pain, or suffering—quite the opposite, it turns out. Pain and suffering awaken you more...

Ram Dass, "Grain to the Mill"

I want to talk about the suffering that we experience of our own free will. All of them are in our interpretation and unwillingness to look at the world and ourselves in it differently.

It's time to admit: we suffer because we like it.

I have fun while I suffer. This is my long-standing custom. Salvador Dali

Everything from the color of a tie and lipstick to your close circle and relationship with your parents - the result of our choice. Including suffering. Whatever happened in the past, only one thing matters now: to take responsibility for everything we do, for every experience we live.

Perhaps all changes begin with the recognition of this fact. Next is a matter of technology.

1. Remember that there is a choice. Always

Every morning I wake up and decide how to live. What will my day be like, what will I fill it with: joy or suffering, favorite activities or complete irritation, communication with like-minded people or dissatisfaction and grievances? All this is my choice. In this regard, the position of positive psychology is close to me:

Nikki tossed weeds into the air as she danced and sang. I barked at my daughter, told me not to disturb me, and she disappeared. But a few minutes later Nikki returned.

“Dad, I want to talk to you,” she said.

- Yes, Nikki. I'm listening to you.

- Do you remember what a crybaby I was before I was five years old? She whined every day. And when I was five years old, I decided that I would not cry anymore. It was very difficult for me, but I managed. And if I could stop crying, then you can stop grumbling too.

This was a revelation for me. Nikki stepped on a sore spot. I actually grumble quite often. For fifty years I carried all the troubles in my soul, and for the last ten I looked like a gloomy cloud in a sunny family environment. If luck smiled on me, it happened contrary to my gloomy forecasts.

And then I decided to change.

Martin Seligman, “In Search of Happiness.” How to enjoy life every day"

2. See the love behind the fear

First of all, it is worth understanding that suffering is the same experience as joy. But it so happens that right now we are looking at this experience from a different angle. This is fine. You just have to keep watching. Don't run away, but live and let go.

Nobody likes to feel pain and disappointment, and neither do I. But almost always pain is the machinations of the mind, and disappointment is disappointed expectations.

Behind both lies fear.

Fear of loneliness and condemnation, fear of being misunderstood and rejected, fear of not succeeding or succeeding too much. Any fear ultimately comes down to a lack of love. We are afraid of being unloved in this world.

So, if you look at fear closely, it dissolves, just like physical pain. It slowly begins to fade and at some point disappears completely.

Our task is to learn to see love behind suffering and live not out of fear, but out of love. Amen.

3. Think about wealth and abundance

Abundance is the natural state of our lives, which I was convinced of from personal experience.

Unfortunately, due to objective reasons in the form of life experience and upbringing, we are accustomed to saving, including in relation to our desires. We persist in one thing, not daring to hope that we can be successful in many things. Here are just a few examples of how freezing occurs:

- I am successful in my career, I hold a good position, I earn enough to have a car and an apartment, but I am lonely, I have no family and children.

- I am a wife, mother of three children, but I have absolutely no time for myself and my hobbies, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel.

- I work hard from morning to night, I hate my job and my boss, I only relax on vacation: skiing in the Alps or going to a spa hotel in France.

- I do what I love: I draw illustrations for children’s books, but I only have enough money for basic needs - I haven’t even dreamed of a vacation for the last five years.

We impose restrictions on ourselves, not considering it possible to have abundance in all areas of life: in profession, health, financial, family and spiritual well-being. In fact, these restrictions are the source of suffering.

Successful people think completely differently. Here's what Grant Cardone says about his own implementation:

I'm not interested in balance, I'm interested in prosperity.

Some may think, “If I'm rich, I can't be happy,” or, “If I'm trying to get ahead in my career, I can't be a good father, mother, husband, neighbor, church member, or spiritual person.” This type of thinking is wrong, and neither time management nor the idea of ​​balance will solve your problem. Stop thinking, limiting yourself to the “either-or” framework, start thinking “about everything at once.”

However, you should not grab onto everything at the same time - there will not be enough internal resources or simply strength. I always start with one thing that worries me the most: health, work, family, relationships - and in small steps I move forward and always expand my perspective.

4. Plan

Purpose and a clear understanding of WHY we do something- this is the minimum set of suffering before entering a new life of fun and joy.

To get moving, you need a goal that will make you want to get off the couch today and continue to get up every day. This is a guiding star: we can walk without a map, compass or clothing, but we must see where we are going.

I have a friend who has a lot of questions about excess weight, fulfillment in her profession and her personal life, but she has a very clear goal for the next six months: learn Spanish, save up money for a ticket and fly to the Canary Island of Fuerteventura to learn surfing. So I have never met a person more satisfied with life - the goal lifts her out of bed and carries her like a mad hurricane towards her dream. Do you know what I mean?

A goal is the same dream, but with one condition: we take daily steps in its direction. It is the feeling of moving towards the cherished peak that completely relieves us of suffering, filling life with meaning and depth.

5. Step out of your comfort zone and embrace fear.

The comfort zone is a cozy swamp where the food is soft, warm and tasty. It also smells of rotten meat and there are dead chickens floating around. Haven't you noticed? Me too - it’s too much of a risk to go out, it’s better not to breathe or look.

However, all changes happen outside this zone, all the most interesting acquaintances are also there, and any more or less serious achievements are impossible without expanding the boundaries.

And in the swamp sits suffering. It is served for dessert, lunch and dinner. Along with dreams nailed to the wall.

Knowing this whole simple theory, I am in a stupor every time: take a step and take a risk or stay in a puddle dear to your heart? Scary.

I walk more often: I write to a stranger and offer to meet, I send an article to a magazine, I speak German where I can speak Russian or English.

Do you know what is most surprising? Everything that was “for” smoothly moves “in”, thereby expanding the comfort zone and not forgetting to increase self-confidence. Cool!

6. Live in the moment, let go of expectations and trust

Trust in life is a skill that comes with experience and work on yourself, even if there is fundamentally no such trust. As soon as we understand that we are valuable in ourselves, regardless of conditions and circumstances, as soon as our inner adult wakes up and begins to take care of our inner child, we feel strength and support.

The ability to stay in the present without grinding past achievements and failures, all these “did I do the right thing” and “what will he think of me” and without looking into the future, shaking with fear or building castles of expectations - this is also a skill. It can and should be developed. For example, through meditation and simple self-observation, checking yourself from time to time with the question: “Where am I now?”

People would suffer much less if they did not so diligently develop the power of imagination, if they did not endlessly remember past troubles, but lived in the harmless present.

Johann Wolfgang Goethe, "The Sorrows of Young Werther"

In order to achieve what you want, you need to give up attachment to the result, completely devoting yourself to the process of doing. This is not easy, because we really want confirmation that we are doing everything right and will certainly be rewarded for our efforts.

However, you just have to believe in your own strengths and give up expectations, as new doors and opportunities open, and life is filled with meaning. Moreover, without guarantees it is much more interesting - you can always get more than you can imagine.

How successful and happy we are depends on our internal state and attitude. Trusting yourself and the world is, perhaps, the surest cure for suffering.

7. Suffering is a habit. This is exactly how he should be treated

But this point is the most important. For me it’s so accurate, because when I deeply consider “why am I somehow sad today” I often end up right here.

Even when everything is good or even just wonderful, we say: “fine,” “nothing,” and “that’ll do.” Thus, we broadcast to the world the state: “everything is not good enough” and we ourselves believe in it. We don't know how to notice pleasant things and prefer to complain.

The force of habit pushes us to drink coffee in the morning, chew a sweet bun and frown. Sometimes there is almost no reason for this, often there is none at all. What if you try saying “I’m having a lot of fun today” or “a great day to start a new life”?

Whining prolongs the problem. As long as you continue to complain to everyone about how bad things are for you, there is simply no room left in your life for any positive changes. This is exactly how life works. You can't concentrate on a solution while you're complaining about a problem because you can't do two things at the same time.

Larry Winget, "Stop whining, keep your head up!"

Evgenia Degtyareva

Anna basis

Each person chooses his own path. He can cope with any obstacles in his path or, conversely, ruin his life. One of these obstacles is suffering. You need to worry for serious reasons and not for long.

Who are the lucky people? These are the people who control their feelings and do not give in to despair and despondency. and make your wishes come true.

How to free yourself from suffering when you fail

It is not difficult to free yourself from what prevents you from living normally. In this case, it is necessary to find the real reason for the occurrence of this problem. It is not always possible or easy to detect it. Therefore, you cannot do without a complete change in the situation and decisions. You must be fully prepared to complete them. It seems difficult, but you cannot cope without overcoming an internal illness, and after a small improvement, the habits will appear again, but with renewed vigor.

There is a category of people who are self-pitying. They are like this, not because their life is too bad, but because they are pleased with the compassion of their family and loved ones. This makes their life much easier. The occurrence of this behavior has various reasons. Such people must have the desire to improve and change everything, otherwise, no matter how much they say that they are tired of suffering, they will continue to talk about their difficult life. And those who want to overcome this and rush to the top will not discuss unpleasant things and will focus on positive emotions.

Without mentioning the torment and suffering caused by life's tragedies, we can say that many worry because of groundless fears and unwillingness to be responsible for their actions and behavior. Many sufferers choose such a pitiful and bleak path. It is easier for them to blame unsuccessful actions on circumstances and people around them. And we should take advantage even from unfavorable circumstances.

In this case, there is no point in proving to a person that he is doing wrong or condemning him. The important thing here is that he needs to be saved from the torment that is caused by negative reasons, but he himself must want to change.

To stop experiencing feelings that bring grief, make the following choice and accept yourself for who you really are. Don’t be tormented by reproaches instead of eliminating the reasons that prevent you from changing your life activities.

It is not easy to accept yourself as you have been since birth. Since childhood, we have learned that we need to have certain qualities in our character in order to achieve success and receive the praise and approval of others. But no two people are the same and everyone looks at things differently. Although there are general moral values, in many areas of life we ​​do things based on life views, temperament, and experience.

Each person has his own path and there is no single correct plan for achieving success that unites everyone. We are not alike enough to do everything the same way. Many lose years to become like those who got what they wanted. But they are the ones who do not achieve this. As a result, failure leads to torment, torment and loss of hope. Therefore, you must agree that you are not like others: you have a completely different environment, abilities, preferences. You have your own path that you must walk with dignity.

Everyone’s idea of ​​a prosperous and happy life is based on their own temperament and preferences. So, some people feel comfortable in big cities and want to be famous and wealthy, while others prefer quiet provincial cities and are happy with a good family and an interesting job. Therefore, if you have a different life view of the world than most people, do not strive to achieve their so-called happiness. Do not sacrifice yourself even to satisfy loved ones, because you are responsible for your choice, not them.

Otherwise, you will doom yourself to a miserable and joyless existence.

How to get rid of the thought of suffering

You yourself can make sure that you don’t suffer over trifles. Everything depends on you. Your soul cannot be reprogrammed by anyone but you. So do this for yourself and change your attitude towards yourself and the world.
Someone who loves and respects himself will not allow a person or circumstance to cause him inconvenience. Banish all negative things and forget him. There are no events or people that oblige you to sacrifice your goals so helplessly. Remember that you do not have to suffer because of the bad behavior, insolence and stupidity of others who believe that everyone is in their debt.
It is impossible to be good for all people, therefore, do not strive for this. Don't worry about people being flawed. Focus on more significant tasks that require strength and attention.

Change your attitude towards people. Nobody owes you anything, and neither do you, by the way. Don't expect appreciation and gratitude when doing noble actions. You do them not for admiration of your personality, but for yourself personally.
Stop placing high demands on others. This will protect you from worries, torment and suffering. Stop tormenting yourself because the world is unkind to you (as you think).
Do you want to reach the heights of successful people? Then carefully study their biography. Of these, you can count few people whose road is strewn with flowers. Many of them went through difficult obstacles that are beyond the capabilities of most people. Don't take the unpleasant situations that happened to you to heart. Take only the benefits from them and minimize the negative effects. Do you know what the power of personality is? It lies in how many times she rose after adversity, failure and defeat, and not in how many successes she was able to achieve.
Successful people are those people who free themselves from unnecessary and incorrect thoughts, things and people. To become more successful and happy, clean up your life.
Think about what negative experiences give you, how they help you fulfill your desires and avoid suffering. If they don't give you anything, you're wasting your time. Don't relive what has already happened.

There is no past, and it will not affect your life, and the future has not yet arrived. You have the present and you need to live it, taking everything positive from life and not engaging in empty and sad activities - self-flagellation, self-compassion. Don't waste time on these stupid and harmful things, because time is precious and during this period you could do a lot of positive and useful things. Stop tormenting, worrying, suffering and tormenting yourself. Dedicate yourself entirely to your loved ones and live a calm, measured life. Let go of the situation and it will be decided in your favor.
Every situation in life affects a person the way he allows it. Our attitude determines whether we will “enjoy” compassion and empathy for ourselves or use this period of time to get what we intended. Life is short and it goes by quickly. Don't waste your life on empty things.

Suffering harms health and turns people into weak individuals. Direct your energy to, and do not waste time on a aimless and empty life.

Instructions: how to stop torment and suffering

Not happy with life? Then do this: imagine a positive, smart, happy, successful person. Put yourself in his place and do as he would do. Does it seem like a game? Play with anything and you will see that the mental “muscles” that are responsible for suffering change. In return, muscles that give happiness will become toned.
Don't evaluate yourself in the present, but imagine yourself in the future. Character is easy to change. Overcome the fear of losing yourself. You will not lose yourself, but you will become what you imagine yourself to be.
Advice: Perceive the rest as a shape, a color that can be changed. Suffering appears as a dark color, which, if desired, you can turn into a light, cheerful color.
With the help of your will, stop whining, complaining and suffering. Give the command to improve yourself and what you don’t like. Make some effort, because without it it is impossible to become a happy person. Be inspired and don’t despair; when the inspiration passes, don’t stop and keep moving forward towards self-improvement and changing things both inside and around you.
To change your thoughts correctly, answer questions about what you want from life, or what kind of people you care about, or what kind of person you want to be. Then you will understand everything and your mood will change.
Take a piece of paper. Draw two columns. Write down your ideas, desires, dreams in the right column, and in the left column write what you need to implement them. Write down the bullet points and do everything starting today. Don't delay.
During periods when the positive energy in you decreases and pity, suffering, apathy, hopelessness raises its head, in this case, do breathing exercises. Breathe calmer and deeper, distract yourself from painful life issues and concentrate on breathing. You will feel a surge of positive energy, good mood, and hope will fill your soul.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and programming yourself for failure. Think about a bright future and recharge yourself with positive thoughts. Don't suffer and torment yourself because of past things. Still can't change anything. Think that after a while this problem will turn out to be insignificant for you, and you will not remember about it. Set desires, achieve and fulfill them. They will help you forget about the torment and worries. Enjoy life and love it. Take the positives from her and give her positivism. Good luck, success and a happy life!

20 February 2014, 09:56

Words hurt and words heal; at one time they bring suffering, at another they bring salvation. Due to a habit that has been developed over the years, we have associated words with our experiences. When I say the word “nose”, some part of me unconsciously, almost imperceptibly from my personality, touches it with attention. When I say “suffering,” I do not experience specific pain, but its echo fleetingly flashes through my consciousness. The more specifically the words reflect the content of the psyche, the more clearly they reveal its contents. If you are equated with dirt, some deeply repressed experience that is associated with this dirt may awaken as an echo of pain. Sometimes, the more energetically a person denies some quality in himself, the more clearly this quality is manifested in him in a suppressed form. Suppression is one of the psychological defense mechanisms. And here, again, I am not sure that my subjective understanding of this process is similar to the understanding that psychoanalysts put into suppression. Based on many years of introspection, I view repression as a global process by which a person denies reality, which ultimately is the cause of all his suffering. And working with this process can lead to relief from suffering.

Deliverance with verbal techniques

A little higher I already spoke about the “witchcraft” power of words. This tool is available to everyone. You can keep a diary, communicate with a close friend, analyze on your own, but a sincere desire to understand yourself may not be enough. We ourselves do not notice how we deceive ourselves. Therefore, you can use the power of words most effectively next to a person who can help identify self-deception.

Honesty with oneself helps to open mental blocks, which is why the client’s frankness is so important. But no one has the right to demand this frankness. A person must mature and want to solve his problem. Otherwise, when opening someone else’s wound, you can get hit in the neck and face the person’s reluctance and unwillingness to work with these experiences. If there is no readiness to digest the suppressed material yet, but the protective mechanism of suppression is already broken, the person will try with all his might to restore this mechanism. Restoring such protections is a tedious process, but sometimes it is appropriate.

How to determine whether a person is ready to work or not? Here, unfortunately, there are no clear criteria, except for one single thing - your own sincere desire to sort out your problems. How sincerely does a person want deliverance? Sometimes it depends on the duration and intensity of the experience - sometimes you just need to be fed up with your neurosis in order to fully feel its uselessness in your own life.

Perhaps you yourself can remember a moment when you felt psychological suffering and felt how you wanted to intensify the dull pain, turn it into an acute one, in order to feel this experience more clearly. At this time, a person unconsciously feels that this is exactly how he will be able to go through suffering and come to relief.

Suppression

Somewhere on the site I already said that pain and suffering should be distinguished. Pain is an intense experience that we endure with relative ease as long as there is no suffering involved. Suffering occurs at the mental level. The basis of suffering is the suppression of experiences.

When we experience something that our psyche cannot cope with, we unconsciously narrow the “channel” of perception in which this phenomenon arose. This is how we suppress experiences and create mental blocks and clamps. It is this suppression that brings suffering, dull suppressed pain. At this time, psychic energy seems to encounter a block that we have created in its path. Resting against this block, energy accumulates and intensifies the pain. Usually, instead of relaxing and allowing life energy to move freely, we again begin to suppress the dull pain that has already been created, overwhelming it with a new cascade of blocks.

That is, the “original experience” that we could not accept, after the first suppression, causes dull pain, then on this dull pain we pile a second portion of blocks, completely depriving ourselves of one of the mental channels of perception. This is how a dump of the subconscious is formed, like a crowd of depressed people. All this is a very approximate picture of what is happening, a symbolic map of one of the limits of our multifaceted psyche.

You may have heard a common phrase from psychologists that “we all come from childhood.” This means that most of the trends and laws by which our personality functions today were laid down in our childhood. Sometimes our greatest achievement is our greatest neurosis, by compensating for which we achieve something in this life. Most neuroses are formed in childhood, because the young consciousness is not ready for most of the complex experiences that happen to it.

As an adult, with a more or less developed psyche, a person copes with experiences more effectively, so “archaeological” excavations of one’s own unconscious are sometimes very appropriate. You can think of this as a storeroom guarded by a toy monster. A small child was scared of him at one time and ran away, slamming all possible doors behind him. Over the years, he worked himself up, and as he grew older, he burdened the guard he saw in childhood with his matured images of terrible monsters. And when I decided to meet my fears, overcoming my own frightening fantasies, I encountered that same harmless toy monster.

Removing blocks releases suppressed energy and expands consciousness. That is, not only does self-knowledge lead to getting rid of fears, but we also become wiser, more attentive and stronger in all respects. And so that new clamps do not appear, you should treat everything calmly, accepting it as it is, without distortion or twisting. This helps maintain mental health and allows you to respond to life soberly.

If we work with suffering, we dismantle the sarcophagus that we ourselves placed on our little smoking psychic nuclear power plant in early childhood, the dull pain that is opened at some point develops into acute pain. Sometimes it is humiliation, shame, fear, fright, or despair, sometimes it is a whole accumulation of contradictory experiences that the child’s psyche refused to digest and eventually hid in the unconscious. Purification, deliverance, catharsis occur through the exacerbation of the “disease”. No wonder the Japanese say that “ suffering is the seed of joy».

Devastation and sublimation

All our desires are our unrealized energy, our potential, which rests on mental blocks. And by the way, as an example, the desire to chat is vital energy that encounters one of the mental blocks in the throat area. To prevent this energy from tormenting him, the chatterbox uses up energy in conversation with his chatter. Similar processes occur in our thinking. We are constantly in the dreams of the mind, and we long to receive impressions in order to burn off the mental energy that puts pressure on subtle blocks, manifesting itself in boredom, melancholy and despondency.

Suppression of experiences is blocking the natural flow of mental processes, which in turn leads to various psychosomatic ailments. Suppression, in general, resembles the strangulation of life itself. Working with a psychologist, physical activity and work are just some of the methods of "getting rid" and making life easier. Below I will try to describe additional technique for relieving suffering, blocks and clamps, which I myself used for a long time.

Work "directly"

So, getting to practice. Many times, while practicing relaxation, I came to an extremely interesting experience. I have never seen a description of it anywhere in the literature, so I’m not sure that such experiences are common to everyone in general. Perhaps this is due to some individual patterns according to which the psyche of an individual person functions. Therefore, although we are all similar, we are each unique in some way. Given this context, it is worth understanding that the site is not some kind of universal psychological reference book, but a subjective expression of the understanding of an ordinary person.

As I relaxed, I contemplated my own experiences, paying particular attention to those areas in which relaxation was most difficult. As I immersed my attention in these areas, I saw that it was there that the most painful experiences were hidden, which I had unconsciously suppressed, simply in order to drown them out. We record experienced events in experiences. Some “complex” sensations that we refuse to experience, when they appear, do not immediately go away, but seem to get stuck in our unconscious as a dead weight.

At some point, I discovered that by directing attention to the most painful point of my own being, I ceased to feel suffering... simply because at this point - at the very source of suffering - the suffering itself did not yet exist. There is simply some experience that is suppressed. What kind of experience is this?

This extremely interesting experience is like some kind of wave-like bundle of nerves that constantly oscillates in an attempt to find balance. But it seems that by its very nature this fidgety “thing” is completely unstable, and it is precisely due to this instability that it lives. I wanted to come up with a name for it, but changed my mind. I feel that without a name this phenomenon will be easier to understand.

As I approached this “original experience” again and again, I felt like something in me was trying to block it, losing myself in thoughts. But gradually I managed to stay “there” longer and longer. And at these moments I literally felt as if something was twisting me in a spiral, turning me over in space. Sometimes it was like a long flight in some thin plane. On a sensory level, this is vaguely similar to the experience that occurs when our limbs swell after sitting for a long time.

It was an extremely uncomfortable but interesting experience. But there is no pain and no suffering in it. Each such twisting lasted several minutes and afterwards brought relief and relief. Perhaps this is what is called unraveling the knots of karma. I don’t know how many such nodules are in me. But it seems that it is on them that my entire human personality rests as something living.

An extremely important point in this practice is to contemplate the very sensation that the mind is trying to suppress. This is precisely the most “painful” point of the initial experience. And if you feel like you want to get up, get distracted, leave, then you are missing this “center”, it means you are standing at the “wall” where suppression occurs, from which suffering arises, but you do not feel what exactly you are suppressing behind this "wall". And behind this wall is the very original experience from which it all began.

When you have penetrated the wall of blocks and feel the “center”, you do not have the desire to quit practice, go and get distracted, because you feel the reason for this very desire to “get distracted”. You get to the center of the reasons for all possible motivations to do something about something. But, staying in this center, you are satisfied with everything and there are no reasons to change your life.

All this time you wanted something, you went somewhere, moved, chatted, and all this happened to satisfy eternal dissatisfaction, or simply to forget yourself in the usual bustle of life, and not feel suppressed suffering.

The psyche is accustomed to suppressing pain, and does it unconsciously, in the background. And now, when you do not suppress, but with conscious attention penetrate into the essence of what is happening, at first attention every now and then spontaneously slips from the object of contemplation to thoughts. This jumping off itself is suppression. When this happens, you want to finish the practice. This is a very subtle moment of awareness, imbued with which you will be able to remain in the source of experiences longer and longer.

Finding yourself in the center, at the source of your experiences, you hold the puppeteer by the strings. What has guided you all your life and forced you to make decisions under the influence of dissatisfaction is now in your hands - under your gaze. At the same time, you are as if in the center of a tornado. Around us the whole world is rushing at terrible speed from the past to the future. But you are here and now, at a point of peace, allowing what happens to happen, without interfering, without correcting, you do not push, do not hold, do not press or pull, but simply relaxed, letting go of all the threads, remaining yourself within yourself.

At some point, something prompts you to return to everyday life. There are unfinished business here. The “karma” of responsibility encourages you to monitor the body and direct it in different directions. And you accept it. Why not? Being in the “center” of experiences, everything loses meaning. You don't need to know the latest news. This desire, I am sure, was caused by an unconscious craving for the “source” of your experiences. And it doesn’t matter to you anymore whether you stay “there” or return to the familiar world. But something encourages you to return, and some part of your mind is sure that this is the right thing to do. Then forgetting can happen in the world. Part of the mind remembers that “there” in the depths of oneself... something very important, intimate was happening - the reason for everything. But what it was, at first the mind is unable to remember and understand.

In everyday life, I still often feel dissatisfaction, which, whenever possible, I try to use as a way to set goals. Sometimes this dissatisfaction is spontaneously suppressed and becomes the cause of some very superficial experiences - fussy irritability, anxiety. And only by calming my mind do I understand, or “remember,” why I live. Perhaps now it is necessary to somehow integrate all this.

This practice is good because you don’t have to dig into your past and pull out specific situations from there. You work with experiences directly. But this practice is not for everyone. To use it, a person must already have a certain level of sobriety and sensitivity. And then, as I became convinced, many blocks are still much easier to work through using verbal methods, in a conversation that reveals the essence of habitual misconceptions. Perhaps it’s not for nothing that nature has given such tools?

So, to get rid of suffering, relieve stress and solve problems, methods such as working with a psychologist, intimate frank communication, keeping a diary, physical activity, sports, work, study, relaxation and contemplation are quite suitable.