We talked about this with expert in the field of interpersonal relationships, practicing psychologist, Yulia Kuzmina.

Maya Milich, “AiF.ru”: Is there friendship between a man and a woman?

Yulia Kuzmina: Friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. Most often, a woman then suffers from such relationships. If a woman is free, then she is in search of her boyfriend, and is always in certain expectations. Starting to communicate with a man, she begins to get used to his presence. A man is designed in such a way that he immediately determines what he wants or does not want from a person. Of course, unless he has a hidden intention to have some kind of on-duty or “weekend” relationship. A man understands himself better, who he needs, and he is more likely to allow a female friend to be close to him. Most often, what a woman calls friendship is more like friendship without obligations for a man.

Even after an affair has already taken place, it is best to transform the relationship into a friendly one and understand that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. There are friendships. You need to understand that an element of friendship is still respect, some kind of interaction.

M.M., “AiF.ru”: So friends of opposite sexes always balance on the brink of falling in love on one side or the other?

Yu.K.: Certainly. You can't command nature. In theory, falling in love can be on both sides, and some things can be completely unconscious. Our consciousness is largely responsible for friendship and respect, and it lays down some things, like: “No, I decided to be alone,” or the girl says: “I’m currently looking.” At the same time, a memory of a specific person may still live in her soul, but her soul is already asking for a new object. And when a new harmless object appears who treats her with respect and understands her, then the woman begins to develop a certain inner feeling and desire for that same love.

In addition, friends cannot help but like each other's appearance. Friends are people with whom we unconsciously share interests, outlook on life, temperament or approach to life.

Learning to be friends

M.M., “AiF.ru”: How can a married man properly build his relationship with a female friend so that his wife does not get jealous? That is, to maintain only friendly relations and not allow a woman to become an “alternate airfield”?

Yu.K.: If you are married and you already have a female friend, then at least it is worth clearly understanding that you have already officially decided on your positions regarding each other.

But the fact is that men are somewhat gullible. They believe that if they once agreed with a woman to be friends, then they can tell her about their love and personal affairs, and consult. But, if you have a wife or just a lover, then the main advice to a man is to very carefully, prudently, and from time to time check with your female friend that between you there is friendship and only friendship. It is very important to maintain and maintain distance, so that later there is no “cold” war, so that one day you don’t have to tell a woman friend: “I don’t know what you came up with for yourself.” Because a woman may perceive your friendship as a promise of something more, and in the end it will be you who will become uncomfortable in this relationship, the entire burden of guilt and personal dissatisfaction will be on you.

Every girl, sooner or later, may have the idea that such a wonderful, wonderful man can be more than a friend to her. And the gender mechanism will turn on, flirting will begin. These are all steps in one direction - desire, passion and love.

Therefore, in friendship with a woman, it is important to keep your distance and periodically clarify the format of the relationship, because a woman lives and acts more unconsciously. Therefore, for her, the transition from friendship to love can happen unconsciously and without warning. And if this happens, then it will be you who she will complain about.

M.M., “AiF.ru”: What can friendship with a woman give a man?

Yu.K.: I’ll probably say a terrible thing now, but this is the same thing that communication with a psychologist gives: relaxation, understanding of something that interests a man in a gender issue, emotional support, “swaddling”, when, for example, a woman says: “ Yes, she didn't appreciate you. You're so cool".

It's certainly awash in support. Some of what I named can be called the word “vest,” but there are different phases of emotional support, when a man comes and reasons. What do friends usually say? “Don’t worry. Nonsense. She will appreciate you later.” A girl will say the same thing to her friend, but we support our friends.

Of course, friendship with a woman is an expansion of competence. A man, communicating with a female friend, begins to receive more information about the world of women in general. About how to be popular correctly, how to manipulate correctly. We ourselves tell important secrets about ourselves to our male friends. And they, reading between the lines, understand how they can influence us to achieve what they want faster and easier.

Of course, women are more mysterious and unpredictable than men. But talking about representatives of the stronger sex as beings in whose behavior everything is clear, obvious and calculated fourteen moves in advance is also a considerable exaggeration.

If the widespread female idea of ​​men as practically single-celled creatures, driven by instincts alone and miraculously showing signs of mental activity, was true, women would not have almost panicky self-doubt regarding the question “how can I find out whether he has serious feelings for me or not?” ? This question is all the more painful and mysterious for a woman, the more she likes a man. And the entire beautiful half of humanity as a whole and each woman individually strives to determine a certain set of signs by which one could say: yes, this man is ready for a serious relationship and wants it, this one is still in thought, but nothing serious can be expected from this no need.

The difficulty is that, firstly, men in each individual case are rarely, but still unpredictable, and secondly, some of the generally accepted symptoms of a serious relationship on the part of a man are less and less common.

Take, for example, the notorious acquaintance with parents: earlier, at least twenty-five years ago, for a man to introduce his passion to his parents was a responsible step, weighed many times and indicating the high status of his relationship with a woman. Nowadays, everything is much simpler: everyone is accustomed to the free nature of relations between a man and a woman; the fact that several “relationships” can change in a year is, even if not considered normal, not shocking.

Nowadays, a man, especially if he has not yet reached, say, thirty years of age, in most cases introduces his beloved to his parents not because he is ready to marry her, but because of his mother’s constant worried and offended conversations that “I I wonder who you’re dating…” And even more so, it is not evidence of true love on the part of a man that he does not cut off mid-sentence a woman’s sweet fantasies about how many children they will have and what their names will be. Fantasies in relationships are generally a woman's affair; men, for the sake of their peace of mind, simply prefer not to interfere with them.

Nevertheless, there are still a number of signs according to which the majority (we emphasize - the majority, we cannot vouch for everyone) of men treat their chosen one seriously and responsibly.

Sign 1 - in conversations between a man and a woman and with acquaintances, the word “we” begins to appear more and more often to refer to his couple. This is pure psychology: if a man openly admits that he already identifies himself with some other person, it means that there is a high probability that in his soul he has already parted with his status as a “lone wolf” and has come to terms with it;

Sign 2 - a large amount of time spent together. Here you need to apply logic: for men, love affairs and adventures, although one of the brightest components of life, are also quite fleeting and short-lived. Only in very advanced cases do men spend the lion's share of their time on relationships that are of little importance to them. Usually, when a woman doesn’t mean anything special, a man will prefer to spend his free hours having fun in a friendly company, playing sports, doing hobbies, and at least getting an extra couple of hours of sleep;

Sign 3 - preference for communicating with a woman over communicating with other people. This sign obviously follows from the previous one: setting priorities in communication will say much more about the place that a woman occupies in a man’s life than words, which, as we know, may not be true. True, in this case there should be a stable trend; one or two times when a man refused to meet with his second cousin or neighbor in the countryside does not mean anything;

Sign 4 – trusting a woman to temporarily use one of his toys. And we are not talking here at all about iron soldiers or construction sets from men’s childhood - almost all, even expensive, technical equipment, from a computer to a car, are, by and large, toys for men. And since childhood, we all know: if a child shares his toy, especially his favorite one, this is evidence of trust and special affection;

Sign 5 – oddly enough, this is the first truly serious quarrel. Here you also need to know the peculiarities of male psychology: we will not waste time and nerves on a real quarrel with a woman who is not dear to us and with whom we do not want to be around for as long as possible. When a woman is not dear to a man, he will not argue with her - he will simply turn around and leave. Of course, a serious quarrel is evidence of a man’s serious intentions only if it ends in reconciliation;

Sign 6 – a woman’s acquaintance with friends often plays a much larger role for a man than acquaintance with his parents. Friends are a man's inner circle, a community where he can relax and be himself. Therefore, admitting a woman to this “closed club” means, on the one hand, that the man trusts his chosen one, on the other, that he is thereby, as it were, seeking approval of his choice from close people;

Sign 7 – “joint work unites”, the cat Matroskin was right. When a man and a woman are united by some joint non-professional work duties, say, a common trip to the dacha to collect the autumn harvest, this is an almost intimate moment: somewhere deep in the male subcortex, at that moment a note appears that it is possible to share life with this woman without only in moments of entertainment, but also in the moment of the battle for daily bread;

Sign 8 – the emergence of plans for a common future and joint practical steps to bring such a future closer. Plans for a joint future differ from fantasies about a joint future in that a man begins to do something for this future and takes on some responsibility for the woman. For example, if a man pays for a woman in a restaurant, this is nothing more than an almost obligatory courtesy, but if he finds a rented apartment for living together, albeit with the reservations that “this is all preliminary, so that we take a closer look at each other and so on” , this is already a step in a certain direction.

Hello, dear readers. Today we will answer the question of whether there is friendship between a man and a woman. You will learn how you can understand whether love is disguised under this concept. You will become aware of the reasons why men look for female friends, and why women need friends of the opposite sex. You will learn what you need to do to maintain such friendly relationships for a long time.

Differences between love and friendship

1. Time spent together. People in love spend virtually all their free time with each other. Friends don't even meet every day.
2. Sexual relations. There is no place for friendship.
3. Mutual dependence is characteristic of love. Between people in love, the boundaries of personal space can become blurred. You can often hear a person talking not about himself, but also about his partner, calling “we” instead of “I”. Friends do not go beyond the boundaries of personal space.
4. In love, partners idealize each other and extol each other, whereas in friendship, ideas are more real, and shortcomings are striking.
5. Future plans. Lovers have them in common, while friends have completely different ones.

Features of friendships

The psychology of friendship that arises between people of different sexes has its own characteristics. We will look at the main ones.

1. Common interests. Friendship arises when visiting the same places together, for example, at work, in the yard, at school. Such relationships can last for years, and sometimes end in marriage. There are cases when a girl grows up to be a tomboy, is friends only with guys, runs around the yard, plays computer games, and is a friend in a skirt. Although often in such a company there will be one guy to whom the girl will treat with maximum affection, not at all with friendly feelings.
2. Sport. When a man and a woman run together or go to the gym, friendships can easily arise between them.
3. When friendship is observed between people of the opposite sex, a feeling of jealousy often arises of each other, in essence, this is a feeling of ownership, the reluctance of a friend to share his comrade with someone else. In this case, the line between friendship and feelings of love is very thin.
4. Sacrifice. This is the case when, in fact, a woman or a man is in love, while the second partner experiences exclusively friendly feelings. An unrequited person in love will be forced to hide his feelings, which will lead to dissatisfaction, irritability and emotional instability. There are often cases when the second partner finds out about the feelings of the first and successfully takes advantage of this, or pretends not to notice anything, although he knows about everything.

Signs of true friendship

1. There is no egoism between friends.
2. There is a selfless affection accompanied by an emotional connection. Such people calmly share their experiences, emotions, and become close in spirit. In most cases, selfless affection is observed between friends, each of whom is already legally married.
3. The ability to show sincere joy for a friend. It is important here that there is a complete absence of envy, the desire to deceive, or to gain any benefit.
4. Lack of feelings of jealousy. True friendship is possible only when neither partner claims a sense of ownership. In fact, not every person is able to control himself. This is due to the fact that most people want to receive something, not give.

Maybe it's not her

You need to be aware of certain manifestations that will indicate that your partner does not need friendly relations, but something more. The desire for friendship is a way to disguise true feelings.

1. The partner shows increased attention. For example, he is ready to run at the first call of his friend.
2. Often gives gifts.
3. Does not feel the need to meet people of the opposite sex.
4. He tries to spend as much time alone with his friend as possible.
5. Shows increased interest in his partner's hobbies.
6. There is too much tactile contact in a relationship.
7. The friend experiences obvious feelings of jealousy.
8. He does everything to destroy his partner’s love relationship.

Sometimes it is enough just to look into a friend’s eyes to understand what is hidden in his soul, what lies on his heart.

Why is it believed that friendship cannot exist?

Many people, wondering if there is friendship between a man and a woman, answer in the negative. What dictates this opinion, what are the reasons for such thinking?

1. It is believed that any member of the opposite sex is perceived on a subconscious level as a potential partner.
2. There will always be jealousy on the part of love partners, which will definitely destroy the friendship, even if one arises.
3. It is believed that friendly relations can only take place:

• if the guy and girl were previously lovers, married or in a romantic relationship, especially if they have children together;
• in a situation where one of the partners is homosexual.

Why does a girl need such a friend?

1. He will always be great company. Walking down the street with a guy, a girl evokes a feeling of envy among other young ladies. Now you have someone to go to a party with.
2. Friendship with a guy can cause jealousy in men and potential suitors.
3. A man can help in situations that a girl cannot handle.
4. A guy friend will not be a competitor, while a female friend can always be a rival.
5. He has masculine logic, the guy looks at things differently, at the world in general, and can give valuable advice.
6. A man will help identify shortcomings and talk about them directly, while a beloved guy will not be able to say about everything that does not suit him directly to his girlfriend’s face.
7. Communication with a young person is more interesting, there is an opportunity to talk about broader topics and develop comprehensively.

Why does a man agree to such a friendship?

The opinion of men is that you should choose women as friends whom you do not consider attractive or beautiful, while having common views on life, interests and hobbies.

What motives can male representatives pursue when making friends with women?

1. He was previously married to this woman, remains on good terms, and is raising children together.
2. The man is homosexual and treats women as his girlfriends.
3. Friendship is a way to eventually get a girl into bed.
4. A man is in love, but is afraid to talk about his feelings. In this way he tries to spend more time with his beloved.
5. The opportunity to talk about topics that are difficult to talk about with male friends.
6. A way to get closer to the friend of the woman he is friends with.

What ruins friendships

If you are sure that the answer to the question of whether there is a real friendship between a girl and a guy will be positive, then it is important to know what events can negatively affect this relationship and lead to the end of friendly meetings.

1. Jealousy. At one fine moment, one of the friends will meet his soulmate, begin to spend more time with her, then everything will end with legal marriage. Consequently, your lifestyle will change, and there will be very little time left to meet with friends. Moreover, the husband or wife may not like the fact that his significant other is in a relationship with a friend of the opposite sex.
2. Your friend's significant other may also experience strong feelings of jealousy towards you. It can force your loved one to make a choice. If the love is very strong, then the friendship will be destroyed.
3. When the cards are revealed. Friendships can break down when one of the partners develops feelings of love for the other, and over time this becomes known. If the second friend does not reciprocate, then such a friendship collapses at the root.
4. Sexual intimacy. Friendship sex will not turn out to be anything good. Either more serious feelings will arise, or the man will realize that everything was just fun. Either way, the friendship will end. Sex while drunk, which will not happen again, will still leave an unpleasant aftertaste on the soul, a feeling of shame, because of which friends will begin to avoid each other until they grow apart completely.

How not to lose a friend of the opposite sex

1. It is necessary to immediately agree that you cannot cross the boundaries of personal space and allow yourself unnecessary things.
2. Friends should behave with restraint, not try to excite their partner, and not focus on their attractiveness.
3. Minimize physical touching, kissing, hugging. Eliminate flirting.
4. Try to spend more time in public rather than alone.
5. Do not talk about too intimate topics.
6. Realize that a friend is not someone else's property, and do not feel jealous of him.
7. An important component of friendship between people of the opposite sex is overcoming sexual attraction.

Now you know that friendship between a man and a woman is possible. It can last for years and completely suit both partners. Although often friendships develop into true love, friendship can end in legal marriage.