It is probably difficult to find a person who has never in his life encountered manifestations of consumerism: someone has experienced all its “charms” from personal experience, having become a victim of a consumer, someone simply observed from the sidelines. But admitting that you yourself are a consumer is much more difficult.

This is usually reported by others who are tired of constantly being used.

To understand why your husband is so infuriated by the role of the eternal “breadwinner”, why your wife is offended by the lack of attention and respect on your part, believing that you treat her “like a thing”, and for what reason, in general, a well-mannered child I still haven’t learned the words of gratitude, I should thoroughly understand the problem.

What does consumer attitude mean?

Modern society is often accused of adhering to the cult of consumption: the increased level of social well-being is often externally manifested purely as the satisfaction of consumer needs.

We start collecting things because we can afford it, and if an item becomes unusable, without thinking, we throw it away and buy a new one - again, because we can afford it!

A lot has been said about the negative aspects of this phenomenon, but everything is not so scary as long as we are talking about inanimate objects, which, whatever one may say, are created to be used. Much more serious concerns arise when using the same principle in relation to people: victims of this approach, determining the nature of their sensations, often say that they feel like a thing.

A consumer person uses another person as a resource, without caring about his feelings and without trying to give something in return. If the victim understands that there is a catch somewhere and this cannot continue, she will try to break the connection with the consumer as soon as possible.

But, unfortunately, it is not always possible to assess the situation objectively, and there are often cases when a person lives his entire life side by side with the consumer - suffering, tormented, but "continuing to eat the cactus", like the mouse from the notorious joke. Sometimes out loudly indignant, sometimes silently experiencing (and then the absence of complaints on her part will be the consumer’s main argument if he wants to justify his behavior in the eyes of others).

Consumer attitude towards men

In a patriarchal society, the function of head of the family is traditionally assigned to the man, while the woman is subject to his decisions. It would seem that the man receives a very privileged position, but there is also the other side of the coin: such social roles gradually erase the personal traits of the wife and husband, driving them into the clear framework of patriarchal standards.

It is in such families that both sides most often suffer, and the tragedy of the husband usually lies in the fact that he is perceived mainly as a source of income, household comfort and well-being of the family, and not as a living person with his own emotions, needs and desires. Unfortunately, love in such marriages is either initially absent, or quickly fades into the background and gradually fades away.

At a certain stage, the husband begins to understand that his role in the family comes down mainly to financial support.

It’s good when a man has the opportunity to give his wife an expensive gift or pay for a family vacation, but it’s not normal if:

In this situation, the husband must understand whether he is ready to endure such an attitude towards himself all his life.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to re-educate an adult, and if a wife has had a certain scenario in her head since childhood, in which there is a place for consumerism, but no place for mutual respect, support, empathy and personal responsibility, it is unlikely that it will be possible to change her approach to the issue through conversations, requests or quarrels.

However, sometimes such a view of the male role in a relationship is developed by a woman already in marriage, since the husband is the first to begin to treat her as a consumer - he deprives her of the right to have a consultative voice when making important decisions and demands unconditional fulfillment "typically feminine" functions (raising children, housework, etc.), thereby forcing them to treat themselves in a similar way.

Consumer attitude towards women

1. Many husbands do not even notice how consumerist they are towards their spouses, creating conditions in the family that are more characteristic of slave relationships than of love relationships. Such men are absolutely not concerned about their wife’s mood or her relationships with others; they do not strive to help their spouse in solving everyday problems and issues. The main thing is that there is order at home, food is prepared, and children are raised, and all this should happen, if possible, without male participation.
2. Their wives can endlessly complain on forums, to girlfriends over a cup of tea or in a psychologist’s office about detachment, indifference and lack of understanding on the part of their spouse, but conversations with themselves "hero of the occasion", as a rule, do not bring a positive result. If a man sees in a woman not an individual with her own beliefs, habits and desires, but a slave who must sacrifice her life to fulfill his whims, it can be very difficult to achieve adequate treatment and self-respect.
3. And this state of affairs is not always due to the social status or high salary of the man (although these factors, of course, often influence the intrafamily balance): cases when the husband, who earns an order of magnitude less than his wife and has much more free time, still tries to shift All everyday worries are on her, and they happen all the time. Quite often, the basis for such an attitude is laid from early childhood, because not all parents are able to understand in time that they are raising a consumer.

What to do if a child shows a consumer attitude towards people?

Why does a child become a consumer?

Largely due to the fault of parents who prefer to see their baby more obedient than proactive. As a result, the infantilism instilled in childhood persists for many years. If your son or daughter at the age of one treats his parents (and any adults with whom he comes into contact) as a source of benefits, there is no point in blaming the child - being at an early stage of development, he does not yet understand where they come from and at what cost. these benefits.

But if such a situation is repeated at a more conscious age - kindergarten, school or even adulthood - this is not normal.

• Therefore, it is advisable from a very early age to leave children space for independent decisions (even at the minimum level that is accessible and safe at their age) and give them the opportunity to help their parents so that the exchange of benefits is two-way. In this way, you will be able to instill in your son or daughter more important values ​​than consumer values ​​- they will be able to appreciate the importance of mutual assistance and compassion, and will learn to show respect and gratitude.
• As for specific responsibilities, they are determined by circumstances: at an early age it can be all possible help to parents around the house, in adolescence it can be a part-time job (in order to have pocket money earned with one’s own hands). This is the only way to overcome the egocentrism inherent to some extent in every child.
• It is very easy to spoil children, because they tend to take any manifestations of attention and care for granted. And if parents experience a feeling of guilt for some reason (for example, they worry that because of work they are devoting too little time to their growing child) and regularly try to “pay off” with gifts, quite quickly the child will form a corresponding perception of the family as a group of adults obliged to please him always and in everything, regardless of his own needs and external circumstances.

The problem of consumer attitude to life

Growing up with the idea that any person should be considered primarily as a source of life's goods, the consumer child experiences serious problems in communicating with friends, relatives and colleagues in adulthood. This is exactly how women appear who will not even look at a man unless he starts showering them with expensive gifts or proves his high social status, and men who assign women the role of domestic servants.

We consume so many different things: useful and useless, high-quality and low-quality. We strive to gradually increase consumption levels. We are increasingly buying new cars, wardrobe items, jewelry, mobile phones, computer equipment and much more.

The production of new goods is developing at a rapid pace. The frequency of release of new models, brands, brands, and accessories is accelerating. Everything new is presented as the best and highest quality, advertised and promoted with large financial investments.

Through advertising technologies, installation programs are introduced into people’s subconscious minds, which create a desire to purchase the advertised product. There are a huge number of such manipulations, we just got used to them and don’t pay attention, don’t analyze, don’t think.

As a result, the level of consumption grows, and company bank accounts increase - everything goes its own way. But this cannot go on forever, because the planet’s resources are far from limitless.

Modern man is accustomed to being in constant expectation of receiving something new, of high quality. We buy phones, but often, after not using them for even one year, we exchange them for more advanced ones, throwing away the old ones. We crave to receive pleasure from outside, through the acquisition of material things. And thus we begin to destroy our inner selves.

We begin to sacrifice full communication with our own child in order to maintain a profitable job. We begin to envy our neighbors who have a more modern car. And some, in order to keep up with the latest innovations, even go to the extent of breaking the law. The consumerist attitude to life, which is cultivated by modern society, leads to a gradual impoverishment of the soul, a decrease in love in the heart, and degradation.

How to get rid of consumerism

How to recover from consumerism?

In fact, everything is very simple: you just need to remember that the spiritual should always be higher and more important than the material. And remembering, we will see the actions that are necessary to restore what was lost.

These are actions to gradually introduce the spiritual into life: prayer, Holy Scripture, church. This is what our ancestors knew well even before the times of the USSR, but was lost during the years of atheism. There is only one thing left to do - start taking action!

Most men want to “get” a woman without much effort on their part. They want to enjoy all that beauty provides without the sorrows that battle brings. This pleasure of a woman at her expense is the evil nature of pornography. Pornography can be called the desire of a man to recharge his energy from a woman; He uses her to feel like a man. This is an imaginary power, as I have already said, because it depends on external sources instead of coming from the depths of the heart. And this is the height of selfishness. Such a man offers nothing, but takes everything. The story of Judah and Tamar tells us about this type of man. If you didn't know that this story is told in the Bible, you might think I took it from a television series.

Judah was the fourth son of Jacob. You may remember him as the man who came up with the idea of ​​selling his brother Joseph into slavery. Judah himself had three sons. When the eldest son grew up, Judah found him a wife named Tamar. For reasons that were not fully disclosed to us, their marriage did not last long. “Er, the firstborn of Judah, was disgraceful in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death” (Gen. 38:7). Judah gave Tamar his second son as a husband, as required by the law and customs of that time. Onan was obliged to give birth and raise children who would bear his brother's name, but he refused to do this. He was a proud, selfish man who angered the Lord, so “He slew him also” (Gen. 38:10). You probably already understand the general idea: when a man behaves like an egoist and a woman suffers, God gets angry.

Judah had one more son, Shelah. This boy was his last son, so Judah had no desire to give him to Tamar. So he lied to her and sent her home, saying that when Shelah was old enough, he would give him to her as a husband. He didn't. What followed is hard to believe, especially if you think Tamar was a virtuous woman. She disguised herself as a harlot and sat down by the road along which Judas was about to pass. He slept with her (used her) but was unable to pay for her services. Tamar took his seal, baldric, and cane as collateral. Some time later it turned out that Tamar was pregnant; Judas, having learned about this, was filled with righteous anger. He insists that she be burned, but Tamar presents evidence against him. "...Find out whose seal it is, and the baldric, and the cane." Judas was convicted. He didn't just recognize his things - he realized what he had been doing all along. “...She is more right than me, because I did not give her to Shelah my son” (Gen. 38:25-26).

This cautionary tale shows us what happens when a man selfishly refuses to show his strength for a woman. But we see such things all the time. Beautiful women are subjected to this kind of violence all the time. They are being sought, but not as they should be; they are desired, but this feeling is superficial. They learn to offer their body, but they never try to offer their soul. Most men, as you can see, marry to feel secure; they choose a woman next to whom they feel like real men and who does not require them to behave in a manner befitting a real man. A young man I admire is struggling with his feelings for two women: one he is currently dating, and the other he failed to reciprocate several years ago. Rachel, the woman he is dating, demands a lot from him; frankly speaking, he feels that he cannot give her what she demands. Julia, the woman from whom he could not achieve reciprocity, seems to him a more suitable match; in his imagination she seems more perfect to him. Life next to Rachel cannot be called calm; life next to Julia seems to promise peace and quiet. “You want to live in the Bahamas,” I said. “And Rachel is like the Atlantic Ocean to you. Which one of them needs a real man?” In a surprising change of script, God causes the plans we have made for our own safety to turn against us and demands that we show courage.

Why don't men offer their women what they have? Because they feel it won't be enough. After the fall, some kind of emptiness formed in Eve’s soul, and no matter how much you give her, you will not fill this emptiness. This is where many men stumble. They either refuse to give the woman what they can, or they give and give and still feel like failures, since she still needs more. “Here are three insatiable,” warns Agur, the son of Iakea, “and four that will not say: “Enough!” - the underworld and the barren womb - the earth that is not satisfied with water, and the fire that does not say: “It is enough!” Proverbs 30:15-16). Don't even expect that you will fill Eve's void. She needs God more than you, just as you need Him more than her.

So what should you do? Offer her what you have. “I’m afraid it won’t work,” one of my patients told me when I advised him to get closer to his wife again. “She stopped believing that I could give her anything,” he admitted, “and that’s good.” “No,” I said, “this is terrible!” He was heading west to meet all his relatives, and I suggested that he take his wife with him and turn the trip into a vacation for the two of them. "You need to take the first step towards her." “What if I don’t succeed?” - he asked. So many men ask the same question. What won't work? She won't appreciate you as a man? Will you be able to revive her feelings? Do you now understand that you cannot come to Eve with your question? No matter how courageous you are, you will not be able to satisfy her. If you expect her to appreciate your strength, then you will inevitably get two points. But you don’t love her because she gives you a high rating. You love her because you were created for this, this is what real men do.

Eve for Adam

My friend Jen said that if a woman lives according to her nature, she will become “brave, vulnerable, and have a bad reputation.” This is the loud cry of the “churched women” whom we take as models of Christian womanhood. These always busy, tired and inflexible women have reduced the life of their hearts to a few desires and pretend that everything is fine with them. Compare them with the women whose names are inscribed in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. In a list consisting almost exclusively of men, Matthew mentions four: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth and “the wife of Uriah” (see: Matt. 1:3, 5-6). The fact that Bathsheba was included in this list, but her name was not mentioned, suggests that God was dissatisfied with her, but highly appreciated those three women for whom He made a pleasant exception by placing their names on the men's list. Tamar, Rahab and Ruth... This list will give us new insight into the "biblical understanding of womanhood."

We already know about Tamar. In the Epistle to the Hebrews (chapter 11), Rahab is called “witnessed to the faith” because she committed high treason. That's right - she hid the spies who came to investigate Jericho before taking the city. I never heard Tamar or Rahab talked about in women's Bible study groups. What about Ruth? She is often used as an example in such classes, but she is not presented as the Lord showed her to us. The book of Ruth is devoted to one question: how does a virtuous woman help her husband to be a real man? And the answer is: she seduces him. She uses all her feminine charms to induce him to behave like a man. As you remember, Ruth was the daughter-in-law of the Jewish woman Naomi. Both had lost their husbands and were in a very deplorable situation; they had no men to look after them, they were practically beggars, and in many other respects their position was very vulnerable. It began to improve when Ruth was noticed by a wealthy, single man named Boaz. We know that Boaz was a virtuous man. He offered Ruth his protection and some food. But Boaz did not give her what she really needed—a wedding ring.

And what did Ruth do? Here's how it was: in order to reap a good harvest, people worked from early dawn until late at night; Having finished their work, they held a celebration on this occasion. Ruth at this time anointed her body with incense, put on a stunning dress and began to wait for the right moment. Such a moment came late at night, when Boaz had already had a little too much drink: “Boaz ate and drank, and made his heart merry...” (Ruth 3:7). The expression "has cheered the heart" is used here for conservative readers. In fact, he was drunk, and the proof of this was what he did after that: he fell asleep unconscious. “...And he went and lay down to sleep beside the haystack” (Ruth 3:7). What happened next cannot be called anything other than scandalous; in the same verse we read: “And she [Ruth] came quietly, opened at his feet, and lay down.”

Ruth's behavior as described in this passage is by no means "discreet" or "decent." This is pure temptation - but the Lord considers it worthy of imitation, because the story of Ruth is highlighted in a separate book, included in the Bible, and her name is inscribed in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. Of course, there will be people who will try to tell you that it was quite common for a beautiful woman “of that time” to approach a lonely man (who was drunk) in the middle of the night and crawl under his covers. These same people will tell you that the Song of Solomon is nothing more than “a theological metaphor showing us the relationship between Christ and His Bride.” Ask them how to understand these verses: “Your form is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like bunches of grapes. I thought: if I could climb onto a palm tree, I would grab hold of its branches...” (Song 7:8- 9). We're looking at the Bible, aren't we?

No, I don't think Ruth and Boaz made love that night; I don't think they behaved inappropriately. But I don’t think they had a friendly dinner that night either. I want to tell you that the church cripples women when it tells them that their beauty is vain and that their femininity is best demonstrated when they “serve others.” A woman shows her best qualities when she acts like a woman. Boaz needed a little nudge to get things going, and Ruth had several options. She could tease him: "You keep working and working. Why don't you stop and show yourself as a real man?" She could tearfully ask him: "Boaz, please, don't hesitate, marry me." She might have questioned his masculinity: "I thought you were a real man; I guess I was wrong." But in order for Boaz to show himself to be a real man, she acted like a real woman. She appeared in front of him, inspired him, prompted him to action... seduced him. Women, ask your men what they would prefer.

This is a battle

Will you fight for her? This is the question Jesus asked me many years ago, on the eve of Stacy and I’s tenth wedding anniversary, just as I was asking myself what happened to the woman I married. "You're waiting for something, John,- he said. – You need to decide on something." I knew what He was saying: stop being a nice guy and act like a warrior. Be a man. I gave Stacy flowers, took her to restaurants; I tried to revive the faded feelings in my heart. But I knew that something more was required of me. That night, before I went to bed, I prayed for Stacy like I had never prayed before. I declared publicly, before all the heavenly hosts, that I would fight for her against the forces of darkness that were attacking her. To be honest, I didn’t quite understand what I was doing, I just wanted to accept the challenge thrown by the dragon. All hell has fallen upon us. That night began the spiritual battle that Stacy and I had read so much about before. And do you know what happened? Stacy found freedom. Once I started to really fight for my wife, her tower of depression collapsed.

You must not just survive the battle once, but go out to fight again and again. It is this truth that puzzles us. Some men are ready to fight once, twice, maybe even a third time. In fact, a warrior must be constantly ready for battle. Oswald Chambers asks us: “The Lord sacrificed the life of His Son that the world might be saved, but are you willing to sacrifice yours?” Daniel is fighting a very difficult battle for his wife, and the end of this battle is not yet in sight. For several years now he has had virtually no progress, his hopes are fading. Last night, when we were sitting in a cafe, there were tears in his eyes, and this is what he said: “I cannot move. I am destined to die near this obstacle.” He has reached the point that we all must reach sooner or later, when it is no longer a matter of victory or defeat. His wife may or may not respond to his actions. This is no longer the most important thing. The question is: what kind of man do you want to be? Maximus? Wallace? Or Judas? In 1940, a young Royal Air Force pilot wrote on the eve of his last flight: “The world is so big and so old that the existence of one man can only be confirmed if he sacrifices his life.”

Today Stacy and I attended our friends' wedding. This wedding was the best we have ever attended - beautiful, romantic and godly. The groom was young, strong and brave; the bride was seductively beautiful. It was these circumstances that were so painful for me. How nice it would be to start over, do everything right, marry a young man, knowing what I know now. I could love Stacy more, more faithfully, more selflessly; and she could love me stronger, more tenderly, hotter. Over these eighteen years, every lesson we have learned has been difficult for us. All the knowledge I share with you on these pages has come at a price. Last weekend, Stacy and I's relationship took a hit, and a spark flew between us. Satan took advantage of the opportunity and managed to turn this spark into a flame, although my wife and I didn’t say a word to each other. And today, by the time we arrived at the banquet, I no longer wanted to dance with her. I didn't even want to be in the same room with her. It seemed that our marriage brought us only pain and disappointment.

Only later did I understand how Stacey perceived everything that was happening to us, and this is how each of us felt. Stacey: "He was disappointed in me. And this is not surprising. Just look at all these beautiful women. I feel fat and scary." I: "I'm so tired of fighting for our marriage. I wish I could start all over again. It wouldn't be so hard. There are other options. Look at all these beautiful women." These thoughts returned and returned, like rolling waves. I was sitting at a table with friends and suddenly felt like I was suffocating; I needed to get out of there, breathe in some fresh air. To be honest, when I left the banquet, I had absolutely no intention of returning. This evening could end for me either at the bar, or at home in front of the TV. But fortunately, I found a small library next to the banquet hall; Alone, in this refuge, I struggled with all my feelings, which had been tormenting me, as it seemed to me, for about an hour. (Probably no more than twenty minutes.) I grabbed the book, but I couldn’t read, I tried to pray, but I didn’t want to pray. Finally, some words began to emerge in my heart:

Jesus, come and save me. I know what's going on; I know this is an attack from Satan. But at this moment my feelings seem so sincere to me. Jesus, set me free. Don't let this current carry me away. Talk to me, save my heart, before I do something stupid. Cleanse my soul, Lord.

Slowly, in some incomprehensible way, the wave began to subside. The passions have subsided. Clarity of thoughts returned. The spark became a spark again. "Jesus, You know the pain and disappointment that plagues my heart. What should I do?"(The bar no longer appealed to me, but I still planned to go home and spend the rest of the evening in my room.) "I want you to come back and ask your wife to dance." I knew He was right; I knew that somewhere deep down this is what I wanted. But this desire still seemed so weak. I paused for a few more minutes, hoping He would suggest doing something different. He was silent, but the devil’s attack stopped, and only coals remained from the fire. I knew again what kind of man I wanted to be.

I returned to the banquet hall and asked Stacy to dance; the next two hours we spent at this celebration were the most beautiful we've had in a long time. I almost lost this battle to the evil one; but this did not happen, and now I will be sharing this story with my friends for a very long time.

Conclusion

Stacey has given me many wonderful gifts over the years, but I will never forget the one she gave me last Christmas. We had already unwrapped all the gifts when Stacy suddenly slipped out of the room saying: “Close your eyes... I have a surprise for you.” After much rustling and whispering with her sons, she told me that I could open my eyes. On the floor in front of me lay a long rectangular box. “Open it,” Stacy said. I removed the ribbon and lifted the lid. The box contained a real antique broadsword, a Scottish sword, exactly like the one William Wallace had. I had been looking for a sword like this for months, but Stacy didn't know about it. It wasn't on the list of gifts I wanted for Christmas. She bought it out of her heart, trying to thank me for fighting for her.

This is what was written on the card:

This gift is for a man with a brave heart who fights for the hearts of so many... and especially mine. Thanks to you, I have found freedom that I could never have dreamed of. Merry Christmas to you.

EXPERIENCE AN ADVENTURE

The breath of cold weather is weaker;
From the ice of the suffering of centuries
Having freed ourselves, we began to move.
And the loud crack of floating ice floes
The riot of spring waters promises us.
Praise be to the Creator, our age is such
What evil comes in many guises
Every moment catches us
Until we're done
That grandiose rise of the soul,
There is no comparison.*

Christopher Fry

The Lord is calling you to a place where quenching the thirst of this world will bring you joy.

Frederick Buchner

A river winds through southern Oregon, originating from the Cascades mountain range and flowing to the coast. This river of my childhood, which made its way into the deep gorges of my memory. As a small boy I spent many summer days on the Horn River, fishing, swimming, and picking berries; although most often I caught fish. I like the name that the French hunters gave to this river - “The Merry One”. This name was a kind of blessing for my adventures - I was a prankster on the Horn River.**

* Translation by N. Bobrova.
** The English name of the river Rogue translates as “prankster, naughty.” – Note lane

Somewhere between Morrison's cabin and Foster Shoal there is a cliff overhanging this river. At this point the canyon narrows and the river becomes deeper and quieter before flowing into the sea. High cliff faces loom on both sides of the river, and on the northern side - which can only be reached by boat - the cliff is called Jumping. Our whole family loves to jump into the water from steep cliffs, especially when the weather is dry and hot, and the jump promises to be long enough to take your breath away when, after passing through the warm layer of water, you plunge into where it is dark and cold, so it’s cold that, gasping for breath, you will try to quickly dive back into the sun. Jumping Cliff rises above the river to about the height of a two-story house; it's high enough that you can count to five before you hit the water (jumping from the diving board at your local pool, you can barely count to two). Amazingly, the cliffs seem twice as high when we look down before jumping and every cell in our body says: "Don't even think about it."

Therefore, you don’t think, but force yourself to climb the steep slope and enjoy the free fall, which lasts so long that it seems to you that during this time you could read “Our Father” to yourself. When you dive into cold water, all your senses are heightened, and when you emerge, your family greets you joyfully, and something inside you also rejoices, because You did it. We all jumped that day: first me, then Stacy, Blaine, Sam, and even Luke. And another big, clumsy guy who was about to go down, having seen from what height he would have to fly; but he still jumped, because, having looked at Luke’s jump, he would not have been able to live further, knowing that he was afraid, that he could not do what a six-year-old boy decided to do. After the first jump, you have to jump again - partly because you don't believe you did it, partly because fear gives way to excitement. We basked in the sun and then... rushed down again.

This is how I would like to live my whole life. I would like to love even more passionately, without expecting to be loved in return. I would like to throw myself into creative work worthy of God. I would like to participate in the Battle of Bannockburn, to walk on the water after Peter, who responded to the call of Jesus, to pray for the fulfillment of true wishes of your heart. As the poet George Chapman said,

Give me the spirit that is in the stormy sea of ​​this life
He loves strong winds to inflate his sails.
Even if its deck is cracking and its masts are bending.
And his ship is listing so much to one side,
That you can scoop up water and see how the keel cuts through the air.

Life is not a problem to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived. This is its essence, and this is what it has always been since the beginning of time, when God wrote a thrilling script for this drama and said that it Fine. God designed the world in such a way that it opens to us only when risk becomes the leitmotif of our life, and this, in turn, happens only when we live by faith. A man will not be happy until his work, love and spiritual life become an adventure for him.

Correct question

Several years ago, I was leafing through the introduction to a book and suddenly came across a sentence that changed my life. God approaches us individually and speaks to our hearts in a very special way for each - not only with the help of the Bible, He uses all of creation to do this. He talks to Stacy through films. With Craig through rock 'n' roll (just yesterday he called me and told me that the song "Running Through the Jungle" inspired him to read the Bible). God's word comes to me in different ways - when I watch the sunrise, or chat with friends, or watch movies, or listen to music, or relax in nature, or read books. But it’s especially funny with books. Wandering through a second-hand bookstore, I can suddenly “hear” one of a thousand volumes as if saying to me: “Take me,” just as Augustine wrote in his Confessions: tollelegge- take it and read it. Like a skilled fisherman, God casts his fishing rod into the water where the trout swims. In the introduction to the book I picked up that day, the author (Gil Bailey) shared with readers the advice his spiritual mentor had given him:

Don't ask what this world needs. Ask yourself what brings you back to life and do it, because the world needs people who are brought back to life.

This phrase interested me so much that I was speechless with amazement. Suddenly I realized how disgusting my whole life had been up to this point; I realized that I was living according to a script written for me by someone else. All my life I've been asking the world to tell me what to do. This is fundamentally different from asking for advice or consultation; in fact, I wanted to be freed from responsibility, and especially from the need to take risks. I wanted someone else to tell me what I should be like. Thank God, this was not destined to come true. I couldn't live for long according to the script that was handed to me. It did not suit me like his weapon did for Saul. The world of posers has nothing to offer you other than to become a poser yourself. As Butchner said, we are constantly in danger of becoming not actors in the drama of our lives, but experimental creatures, “going where the world leads us, going with the flow with everything that happens around us, trying to keep up with the strongest.” After reading the advice given to Bailey, I knew it was God speaking to me. This was an invitation to leave the land of Ur. I put the book down without even looking at the next page and left the store to go in search of a life worth living.

I applied to graduate school and was accepted. Studying contributed not only to my career growth; Thanks to the changes that happened to me during the learning process, I became a writer, psychologist and speaker. The entire trajectory of my life changed, and with it the lives of many, many other people. But I almost gave up on this path. You see, when I applied, I didn't have a dime to pay for school. I was married with three children and had mortgage interest payments to pay; During this period of life, most men completely give up on their dreams. The risk seems too great to them. In addition, at that moment I received a call from a company in Washington and was offered a job that promised incredible earnings. I would find myself in a prestigious company, moving in very influential circles and earning a lot of money. In this way, the Lord made the situation even more difficult, testing my resolve. One path led to my dream, the fulfillment of desires for which I could not pay, and a completely uncertain future; the other - to success, confident career advancement and the complete loss of my soul.

This coming weekend I went to the mountains to get my thoughts in order. Life seems more understandable when you stand alone on the shore of a mountain lake with a fishing rod in your hand. When I climbed Holy Cross Wilderness, I felt as if I had been freed from my false image and the influence of this world. On the second day the Lord spoke to me: "John, you can take this offer if you want. It's not a sin. But this job will kill you, and you know it." He was right; taking this job meant agreeing to live up to a false image of myself. "If you want to follow Me,- He continued, - you must choose a different path." I knew perfectly well what He was talking about - the “other path” led to the unknown, to new opportunities and prospects. Surprisingly, three more calls followed the next week. The first was from that firm in Washington; I told them that I was not suitable for the job and that they should look for someone else. When I hung up, my fake self screamed: "What are you doing?!" The next day another call came; it was my wife. She said that the graduate school called and asked when I would make the first payment for tuition. On the third day, I received a call from an old friend who was praying for me and my decision. “We think you should go to school,” he said, “and we want to pay for your education.”

Of two roads at a crossroads in the forest
I chose the most untrodden one
And after that everything changed.

What are you waiting for?

Where would we be today if Abraham, after listening to the offer God made to him, carefully weighed the pros and cons, and decided that he would be better off if he stayed in Ur, maintaining his health insurance, for three weeks paid vacation and pension savings? What would have happened if Moses had listened to his mother's advice to "never play with matches" and had behaved carefully and cautiously, avoiding any burning bushes? We would not have a gospel if Paul had concluded that the life of a Pharisee may not be all men's dreams come true, but at least it is predictable and certainly more stable than what awaits him if he follows in a voice that I heard on the way to Damascus. In the end, people often hear all sorts of voices, and who knows whether God is speaking to them or whether it seems to them. Where would we be if Jesus Christ was not passionate, wild and romantic? Think about the fact that we would not exist in the world at all if the Lord had not taken a huge risk by creating man.

Most men spend their energy on taking as little risk as possible, minimizing it. Their children hear “no” much more often than “yes”; their employees feel tied hand and foot, just like their wives. If they manage to make their life safe, without taking risks, they weave a cocoon for themselves and at the same time wonder why they cannot breathe. If this does not work out, they curse God, redouble their efforts and suffer from high blood pressure. If you take a closer look at the false image that a person is trying to create, you will see that there are always two components in it: the desire to increase one’s competence in some matter and the rejection of everything that cannot be kept under control. As David White said, “The cost of our survivability is the sum of all our fears.”

In the Book of Genesis we read that for the murder of his brother, the Lord condemned Cain to the life of an exile and a wanderer; After reading five more Bible verses, we learn that Cain built a city (see: Gen. 4:12, 17). The reluctance to believe God and the desire to keep everything under control resides in every man. White discusses the tension between the false self's desire to "gain power" above what is happening, control all events and their consequences and the desire of the soul to gain power thanks to what's happening no matter what exactly happens." You literally sacrifice your soul and your true power when you strive to control everything, like the guy in the parable Jesus told us. He decided that he would cope with life’s difficulties, get rid of all problems by building large granaries, but died that same night (see: Luke 12:16-20). "...What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?" (Mark 8:36). By the way, you can lose your soul long before you die.

Canadian biologist Farley Mowat had a dream - to study the life of wolves in their natural habitat, in the wilderness of Alaska. The book “The Wolf Who Doesn’t Cry” is based on impressions from his research expedition. Mowat became the prototype for the main character of the film based on this book - Professor Tyler, a bookworm who had very little understanding of life on the expedition. Tyler hires an experienced pilot from Alaska, Rosie Little, to fly him and his equipment to the Blackstone Valley in the dead of winter. As they fly in a small single-engine plane over some of the most beautiful, rugged and dangerous terrain on earth, Little asks Tyler about the secret purpose of his expedition:

Little: Tell me, Tyler... what's so special about this Blackstone Valley? What is there? Manganese? (Silence.) Well, certainly not oil. Maybe gold?
Tyler: Hard to say.
Little: You're a smart man, Tyler... you keep your plans to yourself. We're all gold diggers here, aren't we, Tyler? We're all digging for something... looking in the ground...
(After a pause.) I'll tell you a secret, Tyler. The gold is not in the ground. There is no gold here. Real gold is much further south, sitting in its living room, staring at a box and dying of boredom. Bored to death, Tyler.

Suddenly the plane's engine makes several coughing sounds, then there is a crackling sound, a wheezing sound... and it freezes. You can only hear the wind fluttering the wings of the plane.

Little: (Moaning.) Oh, God.
Tyler: What's happened?
Little: Take the helm.

Little hands over the controls of the plane to Tyler (who has never flown an airplane in his life) and begins nervously searching for something in an old toolbox located between the seats. Unable to find what he was looking for, Little begins to freak out. Screaming, he turns the contents of the box onto the floor. Then, just as suddenly, he calms down and rubs his face with his hands.

Tyler: (Still panicking and trying to control the plane.) What happened?
Little: Boring, Tyler. Boring... that's what happened. What can beat boredom, Tyler? Adventure. ADVENTURE, Tyler!

With that, Little swings the plane's door open and practically disappears behind it, hitting something—perhaps a frozen fuel pipe. The engine starts again just as they nearly crash into the mountainside. Little grabs the yoke and steers the plane steeply up, barely missing the top of a mountain, and then down toward a beautiful valley.

Rosie Little may have been crazy, but he was a genius. He knew the secret of the male soul and the cure for the illness that tormented him. Too many men have given up on their dreams because they didn't want to take risks, or because they were afraid they wouldn't pass the test, or because no one told them that those desires hidden deep in their souls good ones. But the soul of a man, which Little calls real gold, is not created to keep everything under control; she is made for adventure. We have some faint memories that when the Lord settled man on earth, He entrusted him with an incredible mission - He gave man permission to explore, build, conquer and take care of everything He created. It was a blank slate to be filled, a canvas to be painted on. So, my dears, God did not take back His permission. We still have it, and the world is waiting for a man to use it.

If you had permission to do what you wanted, what would you do? Don't ask How, by doing this you will kill your desire. How- this is the wrong question, the question of a person devoid of faith. It means the following: “Until I clearly see my path, I will not believe in it, I will not dare to follow it.” When the angel told Zechariah that his wife in her old age would bear him a son named John, Zechariah asked how this was possible, and for this he was struck dumb. Question How is under the control of God. He asks you: What? What is imprinted on your heart? What brings you back to life? If you could do something you've always wanted to do, what would it be? You see, a man’s calling is imprinted on his heart, and he can only find out what it is when he stops holding back his deepest desires. To paraphrase Bailey, don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what brings you back to life, because the world needs men, who were brought back to life.

The world is gradually sliding into the abyss of consumerism, and this movement seems so inexorable that it affects even the most sacred and once pure areas of our relationships: love and friendship. The worst thing is that people don't notice it. And consumer relationships between lovers, spouses and friends are considered the norm of life. Finding a successful partner, friend, lover has become almost the main goal of life. But the word “successful” itself is already a sentence for unselfish love, since it contains an unambiguous consumer meaning.

“Why do I need a loser, a bungler, an incompetent, I need only a successful and only a lucky friend, partner and loved one. Am I really going to surround myself with people who are of no use, benefit or pleasure to me? No, thank you! Let others deal with simpletons, but I know my worth and don’t eat just anything!” – exclaims our EGO. We think that it is we who think so, but no, it is it that fools us. Because EGO is Mephistopheles inside each of us, who tempts, calls us to pleasures and conveniences and sets us up for a wave of consumption.

Love is immaterial

Meanwhile, love and friendship are not material things. Sometimes people who are truly in love cannot even clearly define why they feel affection and craving for their loved one. Why do they feel good around him, why do they love him? Simply because he exists, exactly as their hearts saw him. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that he will be a successful and lucky handsome man with a tightly stuffed wallet.

We often wonder why there are so many disappointments, divorces and unhappy love stories. Yes, all for the same reason. We are looking for a successful partner, not love. And when we find someone who seems to fit the parameters of success: rich, famous, smart, energetic, kind, caring, etc. and so on. - we grab it like a hunter catches its prey, and do not want to let go of us even a single step, thinking that this is our gift from fate. We found what we were looking for, and now only happiness and pleasure await us!

Not so! What is measured and can be weighed, measured and counted has nothing to do with love, it has to do with consumption. And if you make these numbers and indicators of well-being and success into the formulas of your life, then come to terms with the fact that you will not see selfless relationships. You will constantly be in a “you give me, I give you” relationship and swing the pendulum of acquisitions and settlements. Some time will pass, and your freshly successful candidate may quite naturally lose ground. Get sick, get old, lose weight, get fat, lose your business, money, etc. That is, you will lose the indicators that you were guided by when choosing it. And then what? One can only sympathize with him and you.

In a world of consumption

When it comes to business, relationships with unfamiliar strangers, we quite calmly perceive this consumer component. We are already accustomed to paying extra in a cafe, restaurant, hairdresser, hotel. We give extra to doctors and teachers, in the hope that they will be attentive to us and our children. And we forget (just as they forget) that this is, in fact, their job.

Living in a world of consumption, we see how materiality penetrates art, literature, and music. The whole world is based on commerce. We are used to this and even actively participate in it. But somewhere deep down we would like there to be some areas free from consumption. We have a faint hope that these are areas of our close relationships: love and friendship.

I can’t particularly please you with anything. Unfortunately, even the initially unselfish relationships between children and parents are today under attack from consumption. Children become the subject of bargaining and manipulation, parents are sent to nursing homes and blackmailed with inheritance.

The biggest risk our soul takes today is to truly fall in love and trust the one you love that he also loves you as unselfishly as you love him.

Unfortunately, in the world of consumption, selfless relationships have no place. There are fewer and fewer people among us who are able to take this risk and who are generally able to love someone other than themselves. So we conclude not marriages, but deals, and for some reason we hope that we will get something more than a transparent “you for me, I for you.” We are waiting for some sacrifices, romantic gestures, selfless acts. Come down to the sinful selling ground, a contract is a contract, get it according to the price list and don’t show off.

Isn't it time to love others?

There was a time when we were called upon to be loved by others. That is, make a name for yourself, present yourself, show, present, love. And so we heeded these tips, and we already love ourselves. Sometimes we even love too much, so much that we are no longer able to see and notice other people around us. No, we have perfectly learned to voice non-existent feelings, we swear our love to strangers right and left, it’s so simple and looks so beautiful in the comments line on our posts on social networks. But we are completely unable to love a specific living person with a lot of shortcomings, that is, different from our individual traits and characteristics, if these traits prevent us from admiring ourselves and violate our personal peace.

We try to quickly get rid of them, losers, boring unlikable people, problematic whiners, etc. And we don’t notice that we ourselves are not ideal. And all because self-love is also a manifestation of our EGO, the same Mephistopheles who fools us, accustoming us to life in the world of consumption.

How to save love in a world of consumption?

It’s probably very simple and at the same time difficult, because it requires work on yourself.
Learn to see the soul of another person, regardless of the size of his wallet, success, appearance and other measurable parameters. It’s as if you can penetrate the outer shell and feel its inner content.
Learn to think not only about yourself and your interests and needs, but also about the needs and desires of other people. Understand them, share and help them realize their dreams and plans.
By helping others, a person reveals his best traits and awakens his inner spiritual reserves, feelings and motives in other people. Only by penetrating beyond the outer shells are we able to see the real face of another person.
Not participating in consumer relationships means recognizing another person’s human value as equal to you and not seeing in him a way and means of satisfying your interests.

After all, he was not created to become your husband, to make you happy, to provide for you, to build a house for you or to create conditions for a prosperous existence. He is the same valuable unit of the universe for which God has his own plans. He does not exist for you, and you do not exist for him. It is not yours, it does not belong to you. You don’t have to like him or do what you want, imagine, or expect from him. If you understand this in all its depth, then consumption will leave your relationship. Because trust, mutual assistance, respect, acceptance and true love, etc. will dominate in them.

Restaurant. The photo is illustrative.

In the life of some couples, sometimes there comes a moment when the man sees only “borscht” in a woman, and the woman sees only “wallet” in a man. This attitude towards each other is called consumer. We'll tell you how to notice that sincerity and warmth have disappeared from a relationship, and how to get them back.

Relationships become consumer when one partner sees in the other solely a function that can satisfy some of his needs.

For example, a woman needs a man only to bring money into the house, know how to fix a broken faucet, or distract her from thoughts of unrequited love for another. But a man needs a woman exclusively so that there is comfort at home, or so that he can go out with her and all his friends will be blinded by her beauty and envied.

“In general, in a global sense, consumerism is not so bad. The “offset” type of relationship was formed centuries ago, when the functions of husband and wife were firmly established, explains psychologist Elena Lavrova. - Therefore, physically strong women were taken as wives so that they could give birth to healthy offspring and work well in the field. To a certain extent, this functionality is important and necessary.”

Indeed, if we all love each other only for our trembling souls and no one does anything, this will not lead to good. “But if a loved one turns into a function, then the relationship ceases to be warm, sincere, harmonious and happy,” summarizes Elena Lavrova.

To prevent this from happening, we will tell you by what signs you can recognize that partners treat each other conscientiously.

Sign 1: trading “you - to me, I - to you”

“I’ll pick up the child from kindergarten, and you take out the trash,” “You can go to a bar with friends, but only if I go to a cafe with my friends,” “Buy yourself this droid, but then I’ll go to the spa for the whole day.” .

In the male version: “I’m ready to work all day and make a career if you take good care of the children and keep the house in order,” “I’ll buy you a car if you give birth to a child,” “We’ll go on vacation to the sea only if you lose weight.” "

Of course, having agreements on how the responsibilities of partners in the family are distributed is very useful.

“But if the imaginary list of what a husband or wife should do prevails over the ordinary human attitude towards each other, this indicates that the other person is perceived exclusively as a function,” explains Elena Lavrova.

Sign 2: the requirement “you must/you must”

Every person has an idea of ​​an ideal partner. For example, a woman is one who cooks, cleans, looks good, is sweet, soft, or, conversely, a purposeful careerist. A man is someone who cares, is strong, confident, or, conversely, is sensual and attentive.

And every person expects that these ideas will coincide with reality. But no one is obliged to live up to someone else’s ideals. “As soon as the requirement “you must” appears, this means that a person cannot be accepted for who he is, but is perceived as a thing with a certain functionality that must work properly,” says Elena Lavrova.

If a wife is allergic to dust and cannot clean, but offers to hire a cleaner with her hard-earned money, and the husband is categorically against it, this indicates his consumerist attitude.

Sign 3: dissatisfaction

And, like any consumer who is dissatisfied with the quality of the purchased product, a person is ready to make complaints: “You’re a woman, why are you so rude/sloppy/uneconomical?”, “You’re a man, why aren’t you successful/not confident/not assertive?”

It is clear that there is no limit to perfection, and it is nice if a partner helps you develop. But, you see, a loving person who is afraid of hurting a loved one will choose completely different formulations in order to point out shortcomings and express his wishes.

Sign 4: denial of the interests of another

A typical marker of consumer attitude at the stage when relationships are just starting is the phrase “I’m interested in you and I like you, but I’m not ready for a serious relationship.” Or, “You’re so wonderful, but I just went through a difficult divorce, so I’m not capable of deep feelings yet.”

Many women buy into this. They think - if I’m so good, flexible, he’ll probably change his mind over time. “Behind this phrase there is a meaning: give me more,” Elena Lavrova is sure.